Star Trek: Phoenix-X
Guinea Pigs cut scenes
1
(The Phoenix-X hovers peacefully in space. A couple dust particles hit the shields)
Ensign Dan(reading the sensor panel): Oh my God!!! We're being attacked by dust particles!! Red alert!! Red alert!!
Gotens(steps off the turbolift and approaches him): Calm down, Ensign! We are not under attack!
Ensign Dan: But sir, look! Dust particles!!
Gotens: Oh my God, you're right! Dust particles!! Red alert!! Battle stations everyone!!!
Daniel(steps off the turbolift and runs over to them): Calm down you two!! It's just dust!
Ensign Dan: Sure, it's just dust at first....but wait until it gets in your eye...
(Daniel turns to Data and Cloud who are steping off the turbolift)
Daniel(shrugs): Heh. We don't get enough action on this ship.
(The three walk into the Captian's ready room)
Gotens(looks at Ensign Dan): Waytago, Ensign Dan. Some commanding officer you are. You're relieved!
Ensign Dan: Well you're an idiot!
Gotens: Yeah, well at least I'm a respectible idiot.
(Two people walk by and laugh at the Commander's different colored socks)
(Daniel takes a seat in his chair. Data and Cloud just stand there)
Cloud(loses patience): Well aren't you going to ask us to have a seat!?
Daniel: Oh! Heh, heh. Right. Where are my manners? I totally forgot. You know with Data being an andriod and all, I figure he doesn't need--
Cloud: Just ask us!!
Daniel: Oh, right. Admiral, why don't you have a seat? Data, you can have a seat too.
(They take a seat)
Data: Thank you.
Daniel: Now, Admiral Cloud, what is all this comotion about? You'd think you were about to send us on a death threatening mission or something.
Cloud: Captian Daniel. Lieutenant Commander Data. I am going to send you two on a death threatening mission.
Daniel: Ooo, my specialty.
Cloud: You two, alone, are to invade Corallas 2 and retrieve a prototype multi-spacial shield generator located deep within the northern frozen caverns.
Daniel: Ohhh, so that's why I need Data. He knows how to disengage the shield generator from whatever computer it could be hooked up to, right?
Cloud: That, and Starfleet doesn't really trust Changelings.
Daniel: Uh!
(The Bridge is quiet. Gotens relaxes in the Captian's chair)
Gotens(glances at the doorway to the conference room): I wonder what's taking them so long. It's been seven hours already.
Ensign Dan(walks over to him): They were in the Captian's ready room, you idiot, and they left it five hours ago!
Gotens: Stop caling me an idiot. I'm a Trill, remember? I have the wisdom of four previous life times.
Ensign Dan: Yeah four idiot lives. Idiot! Jeez you're such an idiot.
Gotens: Is there a reason you're here?
Ensign Dan: Yeah, you idiot!! ...Can I Command the ship for a while?
Gotens: Well... you did just call me an idiot...
Ensign Dan: But that's just friendly fun. You know...? Idiot? Plus I've studied all the technical manuals; and all the senior officers are off on some other mission to invade the Borg.
(Somewhere else in the galaxy a war rages between two peoples. The U.S.S. Xena fires torpedoes upon the Borg cube)
Aeris: Wow, I'm glad to see that the Phoenix-X was able to give it's most technically smart people up for this fight.
(Kugo, Armond, Red, Walace, and Kayl are at the controls.)
Armond: Well, we had nothing else to do.
(Ensign Dan takes a seat beside Gotens)
Ensign Dan: Aren't you tired of not being a part of these important missions?
Gotens: Well...yeah. But I'm sure that my expertise is going to be urgently needed for the next big mission.
Daniel(enters the Bridge): Commander. I have a big mission. Now, your expertise isn't going to be needed so you'll stay here. I'll need Vector 3 to be prepared for lone deep space travel; so load it with extra quantum torpedoes--
Gotens(stands up): Is that all I am to you!? Your faithful servant, Egor!? Your butler, Alfred!? Your genie from Aladdin, Genie!? Here to execute all your little commands and wishes!?!?!
(Pause)
Daniel: Well, yeah. That's your job.
Gotens: Oh yeah.
2
(The Phoenix-X docks at Starbase 55. Admiral Theseus looks out his office window to see the ship)
Theseus: Ahhhh yes. My guinea pigs. Heh, heh, heh. Hahaha! AAaahahahahaha!!--
Cid(sitting at the table): --Uhhh, I don't get it.
Theseus: Shut up, you!
(The Enterprise treks through space)
Riker: Well, Data, the Bridge is yours.
Data: Mine to keep?
Riker: No. It's night watch.
Data: Very good sir. My android build up also consists of info red sensory. I will have no problem seeing in the dark.
Riker: Whatever, Data. Just make sure the plasma transfer doesn't get interrupted.
Data: Yes, sir; ...must interrupt plasma transfer.
Riker(shakes his head in disappointment and heads for the turbolift): Jeez, and I thought he was supposed to be the smartest guy in Starfleet.
(Theseus and Daniel enter the Phoenix-X's Captian's Ready Room. They take a seat)
Theseus: Captian. I have an important and dangerous mission for you.
Daniel: Oooo, those are my favorite.
Theseus: You are to invade Corollas 6 and retrieve a Trill prototype for a multi-spacial shield genorator.
Daniel: But Corollas 6 is located deep within Breen space. The Breen are walking dinosaurs!!
Theseus: Do not worry. I have downloaded all 34 Jurassic Park movies into your computer for you to study.
Daniel(turns on his computer): Heh. That Spielberg just went too far.
(Data sits with good posture, on the Bridge of the Enterprise)
Data: Ensign McKnight, how is plasma transfer to the shuttle bay handling?
McKnight: It is operating at 100 percent peek level.
Data: That is not enough. Boost power input.
McKnight: Yes, sir.
(McKnight whispers to an officer that is walking by)
McKnight: That andriod thinks he's all that. Well I've got news for his positronic net, he's not. So neeeaaa.
Picard: Excuse me, Ensign?
McKnight: Oh! Captian, what are you doing here?
Picard: I accidentally left my underwear on the Bridge. Heh. That Doctor Crusher is a wild one.
(Daniel walks onto the Bridge of the Phoenix-X)
Daniel: Commander, how is everything on the ship?
Gotens: Well, Lieutenant GoyCho got his foot stuck on the Klingon Cloaking Device; since we can't see him anymore, we can't help him. Other than that, everything is fine.
Daniel: Evacuate Vector 3 and ready it for deep space travel. Post the Omega team as its skeleton crew. And Lieutenant Red, engage Transwarp to Sector 492.
Red(turns around in horror): But sir. That will take us straight into the Disney Planet!!
Daniel(shakes his head): Oh sorry, I mean Sector 294.
Red(turns around in horror): But sir. That will take us straight into Breen space!!
Daniel: Do not question my actions, just do it! ...Nike.
Gotens: What in Kirk's pants is going on?
Daniel: I have an important and dangerous mission. The ship is noticable when it's cloaked because we leave a small subspace bandwith distortion that is detectible by the Breen. If I just take in Vector 3 and cloak that; we won't be detectible because Vector 3 doesn't have main Transwarp control. So I will take Omega team, myself into Breen space.
Gotens(playing with a finger trap): Oh I'm sorry, did you say something?
Daniel(steals it away): Argh!! I said I'm taking the Omega team myself into Breen space!!
Gotens: But, sir, the Breen are dangerous; you will be killed! I order you not go on this mission.
Daniel: Listen, I am Captian and you are Commander.
Gotens: Come again?
Daniel: You can't order me around!!!
Gotens: Well then take me along.
Daniel: No! You'll just play with the finger trap!!
Gotens: Yeah, but I'll help too.
Daniel(gives the finger trap back): I'm pretty sure I won't need you on this mission.
(Daniel leaves the Bridge)
Ensign Dan: That Captian Daniel thinks he's all that just because he's a Changeling. Oooo, I'm a Changeling, I can change into any thing I want to. Oooo, look at me, I'm a fasion model for a big hair spray corporation. Why does he think he's a big God or something?
Gotens: Well, his race is worshipped by two other alien races.
Ensign Dan: Oooo, look at me, I'm God, worshipped by two other alien races. I can change into anything I want. Ooo, I'm God. Ooo--
(Ensign Dan is suddenly struck by lightning)
(Data walks into the shuttle bay of the Enterprise)
Ying(approaches him): Commander, I didn't know you'd be coming down here. The plasma transfer is finished and the Runabout is ready for the Planet of the Apes mission--
(Data's head twitches)
Ying: Sir, your head just twitched. Are you about to grab my neck and throw me aside?
(Data grabs Ying's neck and throws her aside)
LaForge(runs over): Data! What's going--
(Data hits LaForge with a backhand and approaches a control panel. The Shuttle Bay doors begin to open. Red alert goes on. More guards attack him)
Lieutenant Drecon: Attacckkk!!!! Oh, you guys are already attacking. Good job. Heh, I'm a better security guard than Worf ever was.
(Gotens walks into the Sickbay of the Phoenix-X)
Lox(juggling electronic padds): Sir, what is it?
Gotens: I gashed my shoulder while trying to help GoyCho out of the cloaking device. Where's the Doctor?
Lox: I am the Doctor.
Gotens: Yeah but you're a crazy doctor. Where's the EMH?
EMH(appears): Please state the nature of the medical emergency.
Lox(confronts the EMH): If you don't mind, I can handle this.
EMH(picks up a cellular regenerator device): You couldn't handle a Terrelian sex change.
Lox(grabs it away from the EMH): Yes I can!
(Lox accesses a control panel. The EMH disappears)
Gotens(steps back): But I don't trust you. Last week you caused Jaden to have a third eye.
Lox(grabs Gotens's arm and heals the injury): Jaden needed it, his nose was getting so big.
Gotens(thinks about it): Well... maybe. But just don't die my blood green again.
Lox: I can't promise that.
(The last person exits the room. Lox and Gotens are alone)
Gotens: Listen, Doctor. I need you. You can't tell any of the crew.
Lox(giggles): Ooo, why Commander. I knew that Picard and Crusher were doing it, but you and me?
Gotens(slaps him upside the head): Not that, you idiot!
(The Phoenix-X re-enters normal space. The bottom Vector separates and floats beside the other two Vectors that are still together. Daniel stands at the bridge of Vector 3)
Daniel: Vector 3 to what's left of the Phoenix-X, we are go.
*Walace: Aye sir.
Daniel: Red, drop shields, turn on the cloak and engage into Breen space.
Red: Aye, Captian! I will not let you down! My honour will--
Daniel: Just do it! ...Nike.
(Gotens and Lox are in the cloaking device room, on Vector 3, they are sitting on top of the cloaking device and are invisible)
Lox: Are you sure that this is a good idea?
Gotens: Oh yeah. The Captian practically asked me to sneak aboard.
Lox: What do you need me for?
Gotens: I need you to finish healing this gash in my shoulder.
Lox: Oh right.
(Daniel takes a seat)
Red: Captian. I'm detecting a Runabout. They're asking to board.
Daniel: Board them before someone detects us!
Red: Aye sir. That means yes, right?
Daniel: Yes!!
Red: Oh okay, just making sure.
(Kugo walks by the cloaking device)
Kugo: Did you hear something?
Gewdeque: Hmm...
*Gotens: Shh!! Quiet, they'll hear us!
*Lox: Well get your elbow off my hip!
*Gotens: Then get your finger out of my nose!!
(Kugo and Gewdeque reach over the cloaking device and pull Gotens and Lox off it. Gotens and Lox fall on the floor and are visible)
Gotens: Uhhh, hi.
Kugo: Commander?
Gotens(stands up): That's Commander to you! --Oh, you did say Commander ...nevermind then.
(A guard escorts Data to the bridge of Vector 3.)
Data: Thank you.
GoyCho: Your welcome. What a nice android.
Gotens(walks onto the bridge): Where's the Captian?
Data(looks at Gotens): Ahh. Trill. A joined host and symbiont. Your body acts as host and a worm-like creature in your stomach acts as symbiont. In essence, you are two beings.
Gotens: Very observant. Now, let's see if I can guess you. You are a powder man. No doubt, you powder your face every morning and put yellow contacts on to give yourself an aids look.
Data: No. I am an android.
Gotens: Close enough.
(Red carries a bucket from the Ready Room to the middle of the Bridge)
Red: There is the Captian.
Data(looks at it confused): I do not understand.
Gotens(kneels down and swishes the liquid inside around): He's really lazy sometimes.
(The liquid shoots out of the bucket and collects in a place on the floor. The liquid shapeshifts into Daniel)
Gotens: He always has to make an entrance.
Daniel: Commander! What are you doing here!? Data! What are you doing here!? Red! What is my bucket doing here!?
Red(picks it up): Oh, sorry, sir.
Data: My internal transiever has been recieving encoded inpulses from an unknown source until now. I have already injured five people, escaped and stole a Runabout from the Enterprise and almost jepordised your mission.
Gotens: But you don't powder your face every morning?
Daniel: Why would you want escape from the Enterprise? I hear the Travleing Galaxy Carnival is coming aboard it.
Data: I have been taking actions against my will.
Daniel: And what are you doing here? Have you also been taking actions against your will too?
Gotens: No. I stowed away on purpose.
Daniel: Well what do you suggest I do with both of you? Throw you into the brig??
Data: It would be the logical choice.
Gotens: Hey, shut up Mr. "R2-D2--C3peeo--Danger Will Robinson--Danger Will Robinson".
Red: Captian, we are approaching Corollas 6. It's heavily guarded; 5 Breen ships are orbiting it.
Daniel: Go through very, very slowly.
Red: Aye sir. That means engage, right?
Daniel: Yes!!
Red: Oh okay, just making sure.
(The invisible Vector 3 slowly pulses by a large Breen ship. The side of the Vector becomes visible by accidentally runing through the Breen's shields.)
Red: They've detected us. Shall I continue to go slow?
(Gotens runs to weapon control. Data takes a seat, beside Red, at the second helm.)
Gotens: They're loading weapons and preparing to fire at us.
Daniel: Ebvasive manouvers, Red.
Red: I can't! My controls have been rerouted to Data's panel!
(Data takes ebvasive manouvers. Vector 3 drops cloak and raises shields. The Breen ship fires a bright torpedo. Vector 3 flies out of the way.)
Daniel: Data, what are you doing!?
(Another Breen ship approaches. Vector 3 flies towards the second Breen ship. The second Breen ship and Vector 3 are on an intercept course. The second Breen fires and miss. The first Breen ship, behind Vector 3 fires torpedoes. Vector 3 locks a tractor beam on the second ship and pulls it downward. The torpedo from the first ship hits the second Breen ship. Electric bands engulf the ship and disable all equiptment; it explodes.)
Daniel: Oh, nevermind ...just keep doing whatever it is that you're doing.
(Vector 3 changes course and heads down to the planet. The first ship pursues. Vector 3 enters the thermosphere and releases a plasma trail. The trail of plasma egnites and the Breen ship explodes as it comes into range. Vector 3 flies down and hovers above the ground. A visual of the land goes on screen)
Daniel(steps forward): Where are we?
Red: On the battle bridge of Vector 3, sir.
(Daniel glances at him)
Red: Oh, oh. Corollas 6, sir.
Daniel: It's so barren and cold.
Gotens(checks sensors): There is no life on this planet.
(The engines are engaged again and Vector 3 flies towards the mountians in the distance)
Gotens: Data stop! There's titilian radiation coming from the north pole; our shields won't be enough to prevent organic life from being eaten away.
GoyCho: Heehee. He said titilian. Heehee.
Daniel: I'm immune from titilian radiation.
GoyCho: Heeheehee.
Gotens: Yeah, but there are 24 other people on this Vector that aren't. And half of them are allergic to cheese.
Data: Might I suggest that we take the Runabout.
Daniel: Good idea.
(Daniel and Data head for the turbolift)
Gotens: Wait!
(They look at him)
Gotens(shrugs): Uhhh... Don't I get a kiss goodbye?
(The doors slam shut)
Gotens: Well I had my moment.
(The Runabout undocks the Vector and heads for the mountians. Clouds cover the sky and electrical storms almost hit the ship. The Runabout manouvers around bolts of lightning and approaches the mountians. They find a huge cave and fly into it. They hover slowly through the cave.)
Daniel: It's gotta be around here somewhere... The Breen aren't just protecting the planet for thier health.
(Two Breen operate a ship)
Breen1(looks over at his friend): Hyw rae ew etticnporg thsi nalpet?
(Translation: Why are we protecting this planet?)
Breen2(shrugs): I ghtutho it asw orf oru eatlhh.
(Translation: I thought it was for our health)
(The Runabout begins to shake violently within the cave)
Daniel: AAaahhh!! Runaboutquake!!
(A large mechanical spider jabs it's front legs into the back of the Runabout and pulls it down to the ground. Daniel and Data glance at eachother. An enormous leg breaks through the cieling, right through Daniel's body, and through the floor. Daniel liquifies and gets away. The legs pulls out.)
Daniel(takes shape): What's that!?
Data: It seems to be a large spider. We'd better get out of here.
Daniel: Computer, beam us outside.
*Computer: Unable to comply. Transporting systems are inoperatible.
Daniel: Why?
*Computer: There is not enough love.
(Two more legs jab through the cieling and almost hit them. Daniel liquifies and shoots through and shatters the front window. Data leaps out. The spider walks by the Runabout and swings its leg towards the two. Data grabs the leg and tears it off. The spider swings another leg around and cuts Data's uniform. Data jumps back and then swings the leg in his hands around like a bat and hit the spider. The spider shrieks. The Daniel liquid circles the spider's remaining legs and ties them. Data leaps ontop of the spider and jabs the broken leg right through it's body. The mechanical spider dies. Daniel reshapes. They both jump off it.)
Daniel: Well done, Lieutenant.
Data: Thank you, sir.
Daniel: Next time, we'll bring phasers.
(They begin walking. They suddenly bump into a force field)
Daniel: What in Scotty's rolls is that!?
Data(goes to touch it again): It seems to be a--
(His hand falls through)
Data: It is gone.
(They walk through it. They enter a deep cavern. They turn the corner and find technical equiptment everywhere. They look around for life signs and find that there is a man lying on a bed with tubes and computers hooked up to him)
