Subspace Racing
(On the Phoenix-X; Lt. Commander Armond carefully takes a seat in the Captain's chair)
Armond(paraniod): Ugh--oh man…
Ensign Dan: What? What is it?
Armond: Well now that there are two Changelings on the ship, that means that they could be anywhere… watching our every move… when we eat, sleep, bathe and even when we scratch obscene places of our bodies.
Ensign Dan(scratching his butt): Heh. Yeah right.
Shane(deliquifies out of the floor and points at him): Haha.
(Somewhere…in an alien ship on the other side of the galaxy…)
Gardrax(points at the sensor screen): There they are, Kibbo.
Kibbo: That Starfleet Phoenix-X ship?
Gardrax: No! The nudist ship in the next sector!
Kibbo: Well sir, being a scouter vessel for the galaxy's most popular subspace races, I would think we should be picking the Pheonix-X… Right?
(Pause)
Gardrax: I had an affair with your wife.
(The Captian and the Commander of the Phoenix-X both exit the holodeck)
Daniel: Man, that was a great game of Dragonball-Z!
Gotens: Dragonball-Z? I thought we were playing Final Fantasy. No wonder the computer kept adding a holographic tail to my ass.
Shane(deliqufies out of the floor and points at him): Haha.
Daniel: Rally the crew. I want to recommend this program to everyone!
Gotens: I'm sorry, sir. Most of the crew is on summer vacation, there's nothing I can do.
Daniel: Oh jeez.
Gotens: But I do have many trained monkeys and chimpanzees working in their places.
(They pass two chimpanzees working on an open conduit)
Gotens: See?
Daniel: Hm. Looks productive.
(One of the chimpanzees gets electrically shocked and shot straight into the Captian's jelliton stomach)
(BOB carries an electronic padd to Armond)
BOB: Here's that Klingon porno you wanted.
Armond(steps back): Keep that padd away from me! It could be Shane again…
BOB: Sir, you're gonna have to touch something sooner or later.
Armond: No! The only thing I'm touching for now on is my comm badge and my uniform!!
(His uniform liquifies, falls off, and turns into Shane. Armond stands there in his underwear)
Armond: Aaahh!!
Shane: Aaaahahahahaa!!!
Red: Sir, we are receiving a communica from an approaching vessel. On screen.
*Gardrax(goes on screen and sees Armond in his underwear): Aaah!! I knew these humans were disgusting.
*Kevor: Now, now. We must respect their customs.
*Gardrax(pauses and looks over at Kevor): Ahem. I had an affair with your wife.
*Kevor: What!!?
Armond(covering his nipples): What do you want?
*Gardrax: We're part of the Milkyway Subspace Racing Association, and would like to enter you in our race!
Armond(thinks about it): Will there be prizes?
*Gardrax: All the Klingon swimsuit calanders for the next 25 years…
Armond: Wohoo!
(The Captian walks into the ship's bar and approaches the counter)
Daniel: One twisted Vulcan wine glass for me to shapeshift into.
(A chimpanzee pops up from behind the counter with the bartender's bow tie on his neck)
Daniel(jumps back): Aaahh!!!
Chimpanzee: Eee, eee, ooo, ooo?
Gotens(enters the bar): Captian, Armond wants to know if he can enter the Phoenix-X into the Milkyway Subspace Racing Assoc--
(The cimpanzee leaps off the counter and tackles Gotens to the floor)
Gotens: AAaahhh!!!
Daniel: The what?
(Another chimp starts picking jelliton pieces of the Captian's leg off)
Daniel: Aaaah!!
Gotens(pushes the chimp off): Arggghh. You're answer?
Daniel(shaking his leg): Aaah! Fine, whatever!!
(The Phoenix-X and the Scout ship both accelerate into transwarp. They re-enter normal space on the other side of the galaxy; where there's a huge red gaseus wall and a whole bunch of racing ships floating around. Gardrax beams onto the bridge of the Phoenix-X)
Daniel: Welcome aboard. Feel free to use our sonic toilets if absolutely necesscary.
Gardrax: Thank you. Now. I've entered you into the race. I had to pull some strings and make love to the owner of the subspace race track; so you'll be starting in a couple minutes.
Gotens: A couple minutes!? That doesn't give us enough time to put a racing stripe around the ship.
Gardrax: Well I told you guys in the transwarp conduit to hurry up. But nooooo, the Captian had to regenerate.
(The Phoenix-X lines up with four other alien subspace warp capable ships; the Gilmagesh, the Stronzli, the Pab Loca, and the Quesar; in front of the huge red misty wall that has a diameter of 100 lightyears)
Daniel(takes a seat in the Captian's chair): Aaahhh… This chair feels crooked. How am I supposed to race like this? Commander, get a rapair team on this immediately.
Gotens: I'm sorry sir, the standard repair team is on vacation.
Daniel: What!? Arrgghh. I'll just compensate the angle by adding more volume to my left butt cheek.
Shane(deliqufies out of the floor and points at him): Haha.
Daniel: By the way, Armond, what is this huge red gaseus wall?
Armond(checks the sensors): It's unidentifiable, sir.
(He checks more into the sensors)
Armond: In fact, everything is unidentifiable!! The computer reads every thing in this room is a hologram!!!
(The surface of the control panel liquifies and Shane's head shapeshifts out of it)
Shane: Aaaaaaahahahahahahaaa!!!
Armond(runs away, scared, into the turbolift): Aaaaaahhhh!!!!!!
Daniel(glances at the Commander): Where's the pilot? Vacation!?
Gotens(takes a seat at the helm): No. He's using the sonic toilet.
*Gardrax(goes on speakers): All ships. On your mark. Get set… Horseshoe!! Gaahahahahahaaa!! I always crack myself up on that one. Okay, okay, seriously. On your mark, get set… Pencil!! Gaaaaahahahaaa--
*Levi: Uhhh, sir? I think they are losing patience.
*Gardrax: Shut up! I had an affair with your wife!!
(On the signal to go, the Phoenix-X and the four other ships all advance into transwarp at the same time, right into the red cloud. All five ships race, side by side, in the conduit.)
Daniel(watches the viewscreen at the couple other ships ahead of him): You know, maybe going through this is a bad idea. It's dangerous, we don't know the rules, most of my crew is on vacation, and this is probably a total abuse to my privliges as a Starfleet Captian.
Gotens: We'll be destroyed if we leave the transw--
(Suddenly the ship shakes)
Gotens: We're being fired upon by the Quesar!!
Daniel: Return fire!
(The Phoenix-X fires three quantum torpedoes and destroys the Quesar. A big piece of the Quesar smashes into the Stronzli. The Stronzli explodes)
Gotens(checks the rules): That was perfectly legal, sir.
Daniel: Oh my gosh. What kind of race are they running here!?!? Ensign Dan, you're relieved!!
(Pause)
Gotens: Captian, you relieved him an hour ago.
Daniel(slams his fist on the chair): Arrgghh!!
(The Pab Loca flies closer to the Gilmagesh and bumps them. The Gilmagesh falls back behind the Phoenix-X, but stays in the race. The conduit takes a downward curve. The Gilmagesh fires torpedoes, but misses the Phoenix-X and the Pab Loca. The ship misses the curve and flies right through the conduit wall. It re-enters normal space, into the red mist. The gas seeps into the ship. The hull of the ship starts to disentegrate.)
Gardrax: …Haha! And that's how we are able to have control of where the subspace conduit goes.
(He flirts with some girl, on his Scout ship.)
Gardrax: Wanna hear more about subspace tubes, baby? Grrrrowl.
(Armond enters his quarters)
Armond: Oh man. Do I needa go bad.
(He enters the washroom and stands in front of the sonic toilet)
Armond: Now... I'll just pull my pants dowww-- Computer!! Quickly put a force field around the sonic toilet!!
(The force field goes up. The toilet liquifies and turns into Shane)
Armond: Hahaha!!! Gotcha!!
Shane: Hey!
(Armond leaves his quarters. The Phoenix-X manouvers around the Pab Loca. The Pab Loca bumps the Phoenix-X. Daniel almost falls off his chair)
Daniel: Aaahh!! They're using brute force! Of which the Federation doesn't recognize!
Gotens: I'm flying the best I can!
Daniel: There must be an easier way to maneuver around them in this cramp conduit.
Gotens: What if we separate the ship?
Daniel: I know! We'll separate the ship!! Computer, multi vector mode!!
*Computer: Unable to comply. The ship is in transwarp. Many functions are screwed up during transwarp. Self-destruct in 2 seconds.
Daniel: Cancel that. The modifications have to be done manually. Darn! Captain to Engineering, modify the vector structural containment field to withstand a three-vector separation.
*A Chimp(on the comm): Ooo, ooo, eee, eee?
Daniel: What the--?
(Armond enters turbolift 4. The floor begins to liquefy)
Armond(starts shuffling his feet on the floor): Oh hey, Shane.
TheFloor(being tickled): Hey! Haha! Stop--!
(The liquid turns into Shane)
Shane: Aren't you afraid of me anymore?
Armond(sticks his hands into Shane's stomach and swishes them around): Nope.
Shane(tickled): Heh! Stop--!! This is sexual harassmen-- Haha! Don't--!
(Shane retreats through the wall. The ship shakes again. The Commander falls off his chair)
Gotens(gets back on): Captian! You can't always depend on the crew. You have to do it yourself!!
Daniel(stands up): Are you telling me what to do--
(The ship shakes again)
Daniel(gets behind the controls): Arrghh. I hate manual labour. Especially when it's needed.
(The Phoenix-X goes into multi-vector mode; it separates into three. The three vectors playfully circle the Pab Loca. The Pab Loca fires phasers at them, but misses. One of the vectors fires phasers back, and takes out the Pab Loca's phaser banks. The vectors fly ahead of the Pab Loca and re-assemble into the Phoenix-X. The conduit dissapates; and the two ship's re-enter normal space on the other side of the red cloud; where a whole bunch of other ships are waiting. The Phoenix-X comes in first, and the Pab Loca comes in second.)
Ensign Dan(claps): Well done!
(He elbow's the guy next to him)
Ensign Dan: Hey, I know that guy, eh.
(The guy next to him punches him the face. Daniel stands up in front of the crowd, on the Scout Ship. Gardrax put's a latinum medal around Daniel's neck and a gold medal around the Captain of the Pab Loca's neck)
Lab Poca: Oh man. I can't believe I got second place.
Daniel(hands Gardrax a chip): Thanks. But instead of going through these dangerous races, why don't you just play this Dragonball-Z program? Dragonball-Z programs for everyone!!!
(The crowd cheers. Gardrax hands Armond the Klingon swimsuit calandars)
Aromnd: Uhh, I don't think I'm into Klingon's anymore. There's a nudist ship back home.
Gardrax(puts his arm around a girl): Well then I'll just keep these. Right, baby?
Lab Poca: Hey!! That's my wife!!
(Lab Poca grabs Gardrax; and shoves his head down the sonic toilet that's in the middle of the bridge)
Gardrax: Aaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!! I was gonna tell you sooner or later---!!!
(The toilet transforms into Shane)
Daniel(taps his comm badge): Daniel to the Phoenix-X, four to beam up.
(The four of them dematerialize)
