"Subspace Racing"
(On the Phoenix-X, Lieutenant Commander Armond carefully takes a seat in the Captain's chair)
Armond: Ohhh, man.
Ensign Dan: What is it?
Armond: Well, now that there are two Changelings on the ship, that means they could be anywhere, watching our every move— When we eat, sleep, bathe and even when we scratch obscene places.
Ensign Dan (scratching butt): Heh. Yeah, right.
(The floor liquifies and Shane pops half his body out to point)
Shane: Haha!
(On the other side of the Duro sector, on the Norcadian starship Tukedon, its Captain points at the viewscreen)
Nardrax: There they are, Kibbo.
Kibbo: That Starfleet Phoenix-X ship?
Nardrax: No! The leisure ship in the next system!
Kibbo: Well, sir. Being we are a scouter vessel for the galaxy's most popular subspace races, I would think we should be picking the Phoenix-X. Right?
Nardrax: Oh, fine. But I had an affair with your mistress.
(On the Phoenix-X, Deck 9, Captain Daniel and Commander Gotens exit the Holodeck)
Daniel: Man, that was a great game of Dragon Ball!
Gotens: Dragon Ball? I thought we were playing Final Fantasy. No wonder the computer kept adding a holographic tail to my butt.
Shane: Haha!
(On the other side of the Duro sector, on the Norcadian starship Tukedon, its Captain points at the viewscreen)
Nardrax: There they are, Kibbo.
Kibbo: That Starfleet Phoenix-X ship?
Nardrax: No! The leisure ship in the next system!
Kibbo: Well, sir. Being we are a scouter vessel for the galaxy's most popular subspace races, I would think we should be picking the Phoenix-X. Right?
Nardrax: Oh, fine. But I had an affair with your mistress.
(On the Phoenix-X, Deck 9, Captain Daniel and Commander Gotens exit the Holodeck)
Daniel: Man, that was a great game of Dragon Ball!
Gotens: Dragon Ball? I thought we were playing Final Fantasy. No wonder the computer kept adding a holographic tail to my butt.
(The floor liquifies and Shane pops half his body out to point)
Shane: Haha!
Daniel: Rally the crew. I want to recommend this program to everyone!
Gotens: I'm sorry, sir. Most of the crew is on summer vacation. There's nothing I can do.
Daniel: Uh! How rude.
Gotens: But, I do have many trained live monkeys and chimpanzees working in their places.
(They pass two chimpanzees working on an open conduit. One of them gets aggravated and attacks the other)
Gotens: They'll work that out.
(On the Bridge, BOB hands a PADD to Armond)
BOB: Here's that salacious Klingon opera you wanted.
Armond: Keep that away from me! It could be Shane again.
BOB: Sir, you're going to have to touch something sooner or later.
Armond: No! The only thing I'm touching from now on is my commbadge and the tug handles of my uniform.
(His uniform liquifies, falls off, and turns into Shane. Armond stands there in his underwear)
Armond: Aaahh!!
Shane: Hahahaha!
Red: Sir, we are receiving a communique from an approaching Norcadian starship. On screen.
>Nardrax: Under clothes? I knew these humans were indecent.
>Kevor: Now, now. We must respect their customs.
>Nardrax: Ahem. I had an affair with your mistress.
>Kevor: What?
Armond (covering): What do you want?
>Nardrax: This is the Tukedon. We're part of the Trans-Galactic Conduit Race and are impressed enough with your vessel to invite you to take part in our event.
Shane: Haha!
Daniel: Rally the crew. I want to recommend this program to everyone!
Gotens: I'm sorry, sir. Most of the crew is on summer vacation. There's nothing I can do.
Daniel: Uh! How rude.
Gotens: But, I do have many trained live monkeys and chimpanzees working in their places.
(They pass two chimpanzees working on an open conduit. One of them gets aggravated and attacks the other)
Gotens: They'll work that out.
(On the Bridge, BOB hands a PADD to Armond)
BOB: Here's that salacious Klingon opera you wanted.
Armond: Keep that away from me! It could be Shane again.
BOB: Sir, you're going to have to touch something sooner or later.
Armond: No! The only thing I'm touching from now on is my commbadge and the tug handles of my uniform.
(His uniform liquifies, falls off, and turns into Shane. Armond stands there in his underwear)
Armond: Aaahh!!
Shane: Hahahaha!
Red: Sir, we are receiving a communique from an approaching Norcadian starship. On screen.
>Nardrax: Under clothes? I knew these humans were indecent.
>Kevor: Now, now. We must respect their customs.
>Nardrax: Ahem. I had an affair with your mistress.
>Kevor: What?
Armond (covering): What do you want?
>Nardrax: This is the Tukedon. We're part of the Trans-Galactic Conduit Race and are impressed enough with your vessel to invite you to take part in our event.
Armond: Will there be prizes?
>Nardrax: All the prurient Klingon opera calendars for the next twenty-five years.
Armond: Sold!
(On Deck 5, Daniel enters the Mess hall and approaches the bar)
Daniel: One twisted Vulcan wine glass for me to shapeshift into.
(A chimpanzee pops up from behind the counter with the bartender's bow tie on his neck)
Daniel: Ah!
Chimpo: Eee, eee, ooo, ooo?
Gotens (enters): Captain, Armond wants to know if he can enter the Phoenix-X into the Trans-Galactic Conduit Rac—
(The chimpanzee leaps off the counter and tackles Gotens to the floor)
Gotens: AAaahhh!!!
Daniel: The what?
(Another chimp starts picking gelatin pieces of Daniel's leg off)
Daniel: Aaaah!!
Gotens (struggles): Arggghh. the Trans-Galact— Ahh!
Daniel (shaking leg): Aaah! Fine. Whatever!
(The Phoenix-X and Tukedon speed through transwarp before re-entering normal space on the other side of the Duro sector where there's a huge red gaseous wall and several starships floating around. Nardrax beams onto the bridge of the Phoenix-X)
Daniel: To be clear, we're participating as means to understand your foreign, competitive culture and not because a chimpanzee intimidated us.
>Nardrax: All the prurient Klingon opera calendars for the next twenty-five years.
Armond: Sold!
(On Deck 5, Daniel enters the Mess hall and approaches the bar)
Daniel: One twisted Vulcan wine glass for me to shapeshift into.
(A chimpanzee pops up from behind the counter with the bartender's bow tie on his neck)
Daniel: Ah!
Chimpo: Eee, eee, ooo, ooo?
Gotens (enters): Captain, Armond wants to know if he can enter the Phoenix-X into the Trans-Galactic Conduit Rac—
(The chimpanzee leaps off the counter and tackles Gotens to the floor)
Gotens: AAaahhh!!!
Daniel: The what?
(Another chimp starts picking gelatin pieces of Daniel's leg off)
Daniel: Aaaah!!
Gotens (struggles): Arggghh. the Trans-Galact— Ahh!
Daniel (shaking leg): Aaah! Fine. Whatever!
(The Phoenix-X and Tukedon speed through transwarp before re-entering normal space on the other side of the Duro sector where there's a huge red gaseous wall and several starships floating around. Nardrax beams onto the bridge of the Phoenix-X)
Daniel: To be clear, we're participating as means to understand your foreign, competitive culture and not because a chimpanzee intimidated us.
Nardrax: Many others have diverted from the same thing. Now, I've processed your agreement to participate but, by extension, you will be party to our track support of this thousands of lightyears wide Antarian transwarp conduit network. Your skill and our data collection will come from your handling of its harmonic sheers, hairpin turns and turbulent tachyons. Oh, and you're starting in a few minutes.
Gotens: A few minutes!? That doesn't give us enough time to put a racing stripe down the center of the ship.
Nardrax: Honestly, a lot of people do that.
(The Prometheus-class Phoenix-X approaches four other alien transwarp capable starships, the Trozonian starship Gilmagesh, the Carthaginian starship Stronzli, the Larvekken starship Pab Loca, and the Flortarios starship Quesar. They position and line themselves up in front of the massive hundred lightyear wide, red, misty nebula)
(On the Bridge, Gotens reads through a PADD)
Nardrax: Honestly, a lot of people do that.
(The Prometheus-class Phoenix-X approaches four other alien transwarp capable starships, the Trozonian starship Gilmagesh, the Carthaginian starship Stronzli, the Larvekken starship Pab Loca, and the Flortarios starship Quesar. They position and line themselves up in front of the massive hundred lightyear wide, red, misty nebula)
(On the Bridge, Gotens reads through a PADD)
Gotens: According to this, a lot of non-transwarp capable species have their ships outfitted with transwarp capable components by the Race to get them in.
Armond: Sounds like they're desperate?
Daniel (sits): Ah. This chair feels crooked. How am I supposed to race like this? Commander, get a repair team on this, immediately.
Gotens: Yeah, the standard repair team is on vacation.
Daniel: What!? They know how dependent us upper deckers are on them! Never mind. I'll just compensate the angle by adding more volume to my left butt cheek.
(The floor liquifies and Shane pops half his body out to point)
Shane: Haha!
Daniel: By the way, Armond, what is this red plaster of volatile nebula?
Armond (checks): It's unidentifiable, sir. In fact, everything is unidentifiable? The computer reads every thing in this room is a hologram??
(The surface of the control panel liquifies and Shane's head shapeshifts out of it)
Shane: Hahahaha!
Daniel (sits): Ah. This chair feels crooked. How am I supposed to race like this? Commander, get a repair team on this, immediately.
Gotens: Yeah, the standard repair team is on vacation.
Daniel: What!? They know how dependent us upper deckers are on them! Never mind. I'll just compensate the angle by adding more volume to my left butt cheek.
(The floor liquifies and Shane pops half his body out to point)
Shane: Haha!
Daniel: By the way, Armond, what is this red plaster of volatile nebula?
Armond (checks): It's unidentifiable, sir. In fact, everything is unidentifiable? The computer reads every thing in this room is a hologram??
(The surface of the control panel liquifies and Shane's head shapeshifts out of it)
Shane: Hahahaha!
Armond (runs away): Aaahhhh!
Daniel: Damn. He was one day left to retirement. By the way, where's our pilot? Vacation!?
Daniel: Damn. He was one day left to retirement. By the way, where's our pilot? Vacation!?
(The Commander quickly takes the helm)
Gotens: Actually, Red's on a monkey fight break. Our timing is way off today.
Gotens: Actually, Red's on a monkey fight break. Our timing is way off today.
(On the Tukedon, the leaders transmit over-air communications to all vessels)
Nardrax: All ships. Welcome to the Voroniak Nebula, the roughest, toughest, inter-spatial anomaly unintentionally the result of the manufacturing of these transwarp conduits. On your mark. Get set, horseshoe! Gaahahahaa! I always crack myself up on that one. Okay, okay, seriously. On your mark, get set, pencil! Gaaahahaaa—
Levi: Uhhh, sir? I think they are losing patience.
Nardrax: Shut up! I had an affair with your mistress!
(On the signal to go, the Phoenix-X and the four other ships all advance into the transwarp aperture, right before the red cloud. All five ships race, side by side, in the enormous conduit)
Daniel: You know, maybe we should have just read the pamphlet on these people instead of rushing into an unscrutinized competition? We literally did no research because they complimented us.
Levi: Uhhh, sir? I think they are losing patience.
Nardrax: Shut up! I had an affair with your mistress!
(On the signal to go, the Phoenix-X and the four other ships all advance into the transwarp aperture, right before the red cloud. All five ships race, side by side, in the enormous conduit)
Daniel: You know, maybe we should have just read the pamphlet on these people instead of rushing into an unscrutinized competition? We literally did no research because they complimented us.
Gotens: Honestly, the dilly dallying before any action is the most boring part.
(Suddenly, the Phoenix-X shakes from a photon torpedo impact)
Gotens: We're being fired upon by the Quesar!
Daniel (hails): We're allies, you dolts. Don't you remember us defending your planet from a Dominion invasion??
Gotens: We're being fired upon by the Quesar!
Daniel (hails): We're allies, you dolts. Don't you remember us defending your planet from a Dominion invasion??
#Heivha: Not really, since we've been avoiding Flortarios III for three years now. Also, if you're familiar with us, you would know we're socially obligated to be an unscrupulous people. Also, this is completely within the rules of the Trans-Galactic Conduit Race!
Daniel (checks pamphlet): Damn. He's right. I guess we're fighting then?
#Heivha: We are. Thank you for understanding.
(The Phoenix-X hesitantly return fires its own photon torpedoes and knocks the Quesar backward into the Stronzli. Both those vessels lose harmonic stabilization and are suddenly dropped out of the transwarp conduit)
Gotens: Ahhh, vacation.
Daniel: Oh my gosh. What kind of race are they running here? Ensign Dan, you're relieved!
Gotens: Captain, you relieved him an hour ago.
Daniel: Right. As a relaxation thing. Thank you.
(Meanwhile, ahead, the Pab Loca moves closer to the Gilmagesh and bumps them causing the Gilmagesh to fall back and behind the Phoenix-X. Suddenly, the conduit takes a downward curve just before the Gilmagesh fires its own photon torpedoes, missing the Phoenix-X and the Pab Loca. Unprepared, the Gilmagesh flies right through the conduit curve and re-enters normal space)
(On the Tukedon, outside of the Voroniak Nebula, the leaders, monitoring the movements, are joined by Norcadian women)
Gotens: Ahhh, vacation.
Daniel: Oh my gosh. What kind of race are they running here? Ensign Dan, you're relieved!
Gotens: Captain, you relieved him an hour ago.
Daniel: Right. As a relaxation thing. Thank you.
(Meanwhile, ahead, the Pab Loca moves closer to the Gilmagesh and bumps them causing the Gilmagesh to fall back and behind the Phoenix-X. Suddenly, the conduit takes a downward curve just before the Gilmagesh fires its own photon torpedoes, missing the Phoenix-X and the Pab Loca. Unprepared, the Gilmagesh flies right through the conduit curve and re-enters normal space)
(On the Tukedon, outside of the Voroniak Nebula, the leaders, monitoring the movements, are joined by Norcadian women)
Nardrax: Yeah, baby! The conduit regulator rings are how we're able to control the size and where the track goes.
Cheka: Ohh, impressive. But isn't the malformed conduit variation what's causing the nebula and its technologically harmful radiation?
Nardrax: Don't you worry your pretty little head about things that don't matter, missy. Just be a race bunny!
Cheka: Ohh, impressive. But isn't the malformed conduit variation what's causing the nebula and its technologically harmful radiation?
Nardrax: Don't you worry your pretty little head about things that don't matter, missy. Just be a race bunny!
Cheka: I think you have man brain? That can't be a good sign.
(On the Phoenix-X, Armond rushes into his Living Quarters)
Armond: Oh, man. I just need to relax and enjoy what time I have left on this ship.
(He goes to the couch, about to sit his butt down)
Armond: Now, I'll just go here annnnd— Computer! Quickly put a force field around the couch!
(The force field goes up. The couch liquifies and turns into Shane)
Armond: Haha! Gotcha!
Shane: Hey! Starfleet officer's can't do comeuppances?!
Armond: Oh, man. I just need to relax and enjoy what time I have left on this ship.
(He goes to the couch, about to sit his butt down)
Armond: Now, I'll just go here annnnd— Computer! Quickly put a force field around the couch!
(The force field goes up. The couch liquifies and turns into Shane)
Armond: Haha! Gotcha!
Shane: Hey! Starfleet officer's can't do comeuppances?!
(On the Bridge, Daniel and Gotens have the Phoenix-X maneuver around the Pab Loca, prompting the Pab Loca to bump shields with them. Daniel almost falls off his chair)
Daniel: Uh! They're using brute force and it's not even mating season.
Gotens: I'm flying the best I can!
Daniel: There must be an easier way to maneuver around them in this transwarp conduit without losing harmonics.
Gotens: What if we separate the ship?
Daniel: I know, we'll separate the ship! Computer, initiate multi vector mode.
#Computer: Unable to comply. The ship is in transwarp. Many functions are flabbergasted during said warp misconduct. Self-destruct in two seconds.
Daniel: Cancel that! It's clear the modifications have to be done manually. Darn! Captain to Engineering, modify the vector structural containment field to withstand a three-vector separation.
#Chimpo: Ooo, ooo, eee, eee?
Daniel: What the—?
(Elsewhere, Armond enters s turbolift just before the floor begins to liquefy. He then starts shuffling his feet)
Armond: Hey, Shane.
Shane-floor (tickled): Hey! Haha! Stop!
(The liquid surface turns into Shane)
Shane: Aren't you afraid of me anymore?
Gotens: I'm flying the best I can!
Daniel: There must be an easier way to maneuver around them in this transwarp conduit without losing harmonics.
Gotens: What if we separate the ship?
Daniel: I know, we'll separate the ship! Computer, initiate multi vector mode.
#Computer: Unable to comply. The ship is in transwarp. Many functions are flabbergasted during said warp misconduct. Self-destruct in two seconds.
Daniel: Cancel that! It's clear the modifications have to be done manually. Darn! Captain to Engineering, modify the vector structural containment field to withstand a three-vector separation.
#Chimpo: Ooo, ooo, eee, eee?
Daniel: What the—?
(Elsewhere, Armond enters s turbolift just before the floor begins to liquefy. He then starts shuffling his feet)
Armond: Hey, Shane.
Shane-floor (tickled): Hey! Haha! Stop!
(The liquid surface turns into Shane)
Shane: Aren't you afraid of me anymore?
(The human sticks hands into the Changeling's stomach and squishes them around)
Armond: The whole point of Starfleet is to accept entities like yourself and your perpetual encroachment has made me realize I can't do that if I'm always running away.
Shane: Heh! Stop! That's abuse! Haha! It tickles!
(The Phoenix-X shakes again. The Commander falls off the helm)
Gotens (gets back up): Captain! We can't always depend on the crew. Sometimes we have to conduct ingenuity ourselves, like some kind of evolutionary ape ancestor— If that's where Trill and Changelings come from?
Daniel: Of course! Being in command for so long has dazed us from where we started. Common, lower decks style labor.
(The ship shakes again, prompting Daniel to get to an engineering console)
Daniel: Let's do it for the crew and, any equipment we mess up, they'll be more than happy to fix later.
(Soon, the Phoenix-X splits into multi-vector mode, separating into three. The three vectors playfully circle the Pab Loca while the Pab Loca fires phasers, but misses. Vector Alpha returns phaser beams and takes out their ventral weapons before all vectors fly ahead and re-assemble into the Phoenix-X. Both vessels drop transwarp outside the Voroniak Nebula with the Phoenix-X coming in First, and the Pab Loca in Second)
(On the Tukedon, several crew from both ships transport over to an excitable crowd of cheering fans and the closing ceremonies)
Ensign Dan (claps): Well done! Hey, baby, that was my ship.
(Cheka shoves him away. Nardrax hangs a latinum medal around the neck of Captain Daniel of the Phoenix-X and a gold medal around the neck of Captain Jichan of the Pab Loca)
Jichan: Oh, man. I can't believe I got Second Place, the worst of all the places.
Daniel: The worst of all places is this race to begin with. The Phoenix-X isn't one of your cobbled together transwarp mish mashes, Nardrax. We have instruments that measure the structural integrity of existing conduits.
Gotens: Meaning, we know your track being harmonically all over the place is what's causing the Voroniak Nebula.
Nardrax: Well, what do you expect? Imperfection stems from desperation for a bigger, more popular marathon since my people love racing. Perhaps one day we'll make peace with our adversaries and, when that day comes, I'll supply them the best rally in the galaxy.
Gotens: Captain, I believe Nardrax needs starships to keep going through these conduits because their regulator rings aren't enough to hold them long term.
Nardrax: Like I said, you're helping!
Daniel: What about the starships that get trapped in the nebula? You're okay with them sacrificing their lives for your vanity project? That's why you'll let even the most scrupulous, trigger-happy vessels join.
Nardrax: I have man brain?
Daniel: Captain to Phoenix-X. We're going back into the conduit and neutralizing it to save those other starships.
#Armond: But, outside of transwarp, we'll be inundated with harmful tetryon radiation?
Daniel: Theoretically, with the nebula's fuel cut off, its intensity should go down enough for our doctors to compensate. Oh, gosh. I can't believe we'll be depending on our own medical chief? We have to do this before I change my mind. Commander, you have the Tukedon. Let's do this.
(The Phoenix-X, Pab Loca and Tukedon line up in front of the starting point before all jumping into transwarp. Splitting into three vectors, Phoenix-X Vector Alpha and Beta drop transwarp early, with Shane in command of Vector Beta)
#Armond (hails): Wait. You? But you're just a gelatin guy and stuff?
Shane: You made me stop pranking, so I guess I have make myself useful once in a while or what's the point of me? Also, my Bridge crew are the chimps.
Chimpo (smacking controls): Ooo! Ooo! Aaa!
Shane: He's detecting the Flortarios and Carthaginian starships!
#Armond: Okay. Those things need to go back to the Zoo.
(In the red mist of the nebula, both vectors change course for the Quesar and the Stronzli)
Chimpo: AAhh! Ahhh!
Shane: Aww, I love you too.
(Meanwhile, as the Pab Loca exits at the curve to save the Gilmagesh, Phoenix-X Vector Gamma and the Tukedon continue on in an attempt at destabilizing the conduit regulator rings)
#Gotens: Are we sure about this, Captain? This could be the greatest race track to ever exist?
Daniel: It's a fascinating concept of over-poweredness display, but sometimes too much is just too much.
#Gotens: But that fast-paced, quick-thinking mental state is so addicting. Making turns has never been so fun.
Daniel: Starships are supposed to be slow and lumbering. Almost submarine-like in a stand-off-against-Romulans sort of way. Not whatever this is?
#Gotens: Hey. If we can't experiment ourselves into other things, then we can't appreciate what we are. Thanks, Captain.
(Quickly, the other starships re-enter the transwarp conduit before everyone exits back again at the start point. The Phoenix-X reintegrates and Nardrax is given back command of the Tukedon)
Nardrax: What have these people done?? My precious track has disintegrated under the collapse of the regulator rings. Now it's just a big nebula in space!
Levi: The Norcadian Council will want to know our progress in order to gloat against our enemies.
Cheka: Here's an idea, we do a sublight course but, the catch is, we'll have to be at peace first.
Nardrax: Motivating our people for good and at the slowest speed possible? It goes against everything I stand for. We'll put it on the chalkboard. In the meantime, speed us out!
(The Tukedon turns and transwarps away from there)