Factors of Humanity
(Ensign Dan enters the ship's Dance Club. He sits at the bar and some girl approaches him)
Elly: Hey, there. I'm a sexy security officer from Deck 17. Are ya lookin for a little fun?--
Ensign Dan(confused): What?
Elly(she laughs): Oh I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.
(She walks away)
Ensign Dan: Oh man. Why do I have to be such a loser?
BOB(cleaning a glass from behind the bar): She didn't run away because you're a loser, you loser!
Ensign Dan(shocked): The Ferengi, BOB!? What are you doing here?
BOB(shrugs): Eh, I thought I'd be one of those Quark imitaters. You don't understand. You're a Bajoran. Bajoran's have been through some of the most toughest situations in the Quadrant-- they've been slaved, beat up-- and did I mention slaved? Because you were mostly slaved and beat up.
Ensign Dan: So? I was never slaved. I lived on Earth's moon. That's why I'm so light headed.
BOB: So, she don't know that. Heck; Deck 17 is the ignorant deck. Bajorans are the one of the most toughest people in the galaxy. Loley peep's like us--well, we fear you people.
Ensign Dan(thinks about it and glances at Elly): ....Really...eh?
BOB: Yeah, so you gonna order somethin or am I gonna hafta get Elly, there, to throw you out?
(The Phoenix-X enters another sector. It slowly impulses by a couple dead Jem'Hadar warships)
Daniel(stands up from the Captian's chair): Whoa...
Gotens(eats a popcorn): What we are seeing, is the remains of one of many battles between the Federation allies and Dominion enemies.
Armond(checks sensors): There's an abandoned planet and 23 dead Dominion ships in the sector. But I'm detecting life signs in two of them--Oh nevermind. That was just a popcorn on the control panel; I'm only detecting life signs in one of them.
Daniel: How many?
Armond: There was only one popcorn, sir.
Daniel: How many life signs!?
Armond(checks sensors): Eight, sir. 2 Cardassians, 1 Vorta, and 5 Jem'Hadar. Their life support could go any day now.
Gotens(glances at the Captian): I say we leave them there to die. Heh, heh.
Daniel: No. As a Federation Officer, we must respect and help all life. Kayl, beam them aboard.
Kayl(eating popcorn): Huh? Oh, right, right.
(Ensign Dan walks down the hallway.)
Ensign Dan: Dootoodootoodoo... I'm walkin' down a hallway... yippie-ki-o-ay...
(Someone walks by)
Ensign Dan: BOO!!
Billy(runs away, scared): AAahhh!!!
Ensign Dan(continues walking): Heh, heh.
(Daniel and Shane enter the Brig. The prisoners are organized in three cells according to alien race)
Daniel(glances at Shane): Ready for this?
Shane: I'm never ready for anything.
(They approach the first cell with the two Cardassians)
Charco(behind the forcefield): Greetings, Captian.
Daniel: Don't greet me. You're the enemy! The enemy isn't suposed to greet thier enemy--us!!
Charco: Oh but Captian. The war is over, and the Cardassians went to your side to defeat the Dominion, remember?
Daniel(pauses): Oh--right; I almost missed that episode. Then that means you guys are allies.... But that doesn't mean I have to like you!
Charco: Yes it does.
Daniel: Oh, man.
Charco: Me and Loma spent all those lonley months playing with eachother and convincing the Vorta and the Jem'Hadar that the Changelings abandonned them. Then you guys came and saved us before our life support failed. Thank you!!
Shane: You're welcome.
Charco: Did you have anything to do with saving us?
Charco: Then we're not thanking you!!
Shane: Well, then I'm not welcoming you.
(Shane and Daniel move onto the Vorta cell)
Kolit(behind a forcefield): Founders?
(Daniel and Shane glance at eachother)
Daniel: No, we're the dudes that saved you.
Kolit(bows): My life is but to serve you.
(The 5 Jem'Hadar in the other cell also bow)
Shane: Wow. Everyone is bowing to us. Do I have my Chinese eyes on?
Daniel: That's because we're Changelings!
Shane(glances at the Cardassians): Why aren't you bowing!?
Loma(glances at Charco): We have bad backs.
Charco(glances at Loma): It's my sacroilliac.
Shane: And why does everyone have to keep glancing!?
Daniel(glances at the prisoners): What are we gonna do with these guys?
Shane: Stop glancing!
(Everyone stops glancing)
Shane(glances around to make sure that no one is glancing): That's more like it.
Daniel: It seems that we have total control.
Daniel: I'm gonna try something. Computer, release force fields...
(Kayl sits at the bar in the Dance Club)
Kayl(drinking): Hic--well, BOB. The ship may be over run by Changelings; we may be letting Dominion prisoners walk around the ship; half of the crew may be Klingon Exchange Officers; and we may even have a Ferengi bar tender; but at least this Dance Club is run by just Federation Officers! Yeah! Hic. Go Federation, go!!
BOB: But I'm the Ferengi bar tender, and I am running this Dance Club.
Kayl(slams her drink on the counter): Damn!! I hate those Klingons--Hic.
(Red enters the Dance Club)
BOB(cleaning a glass): Here comes a Klingon right now.
(Red takes a seat beside Kayl)
Kayl: Aw sh-- crap. Hic.
Red(glances at Kayl): Do you have a problem with my being here?
(Kayl pauses. She looks around the Dance Club and sees only Federation Officers everywhere, dancing, and talking. She looks back at Red, the Klingon)
(She stays quiet and continues drinking)
Red: I will have a blood wine.
BOB: Coming right up.
(Kayl laughs and then shuts up)
Red: You do have a problem.
Red: You think that I shouldn't be here!!
Kayl: Hic--well ya shouldn't!! Jeez. Can't there be any place on the ship where the Federation can enjoy themselves--with thiemselves--not including the closet!! --Hic.
Red: What do you mean by "hic"!?
Kayl: Oh, you know what I mean...
(They give eachother the evil eye)
(Ensign Dan enters the Bridge)
Ensign Dan: Hey what up, Commander G?
(He slaps the Commanders hand)
Ensign Dan: Pisshhh.
Gotens: What's wrong with you?
Ensign Dan: Nothin, man. Yo, is that a free seat?
Gotens: Yeah, and you can't sit in it.
Ensign Dan: What!? How you tryin to play me? I thought we was brothas!? You an' me comin from the same hood, you know what I'm sayin?
Gotens: You mean the Xena?
Ensign Dan: Yeah, man! You be gettin weak!
Gotens: What? You're relieved!
Ensign Dan(heads for the turboift): Yo, I'll be back, man. Don't you doubt that!
Gotens: I sincerely doubt that I will be not doubting that.
(Shane and Daniel rest in hammocks, in the Arboretum)
Daniel: Aaahhh.... this is the life, eh Shane? Artificial sun, artificial heat, and even artifical trees.
Shane(sipping a martini): Yeah... Hey, Kolit!! Where are my slippers!?
(Kolit comes running up)
Kolit: I couldn't find them, sir.
Shane: Who cares! I'll just shapeshift them onto my feet!!
(Daniel and Shane laugh)
Daniel: Hey, where's my drink!?
Kolit: Oh, yes, sir. I'll get right on that. What drink do you want?
Daniel: Who cares! I'm a Changeling, I don't need to drink!!
(Daniel and Shane laugh thier heads off)
Kolit: Oh, your heads. I'll get those for you.
(Kayl and Gewdeque sit at a table in 10-Forward, drinking coffee)
Gewdeque: Heh. I can't believe that GoyCho could go on and on all night like that.
Kayl(stares at the two Klingons sitting across the room): Yeah, yeah. GoyCho was the same with me.
Gewdeque: What!? You stupid little--
Kayl: Look at them, Gewdeque.
Gewdeque: I was looking at them. He had them sticking out all night.
Kayl: Look at those Klingons. They think they're all that. Just because their bigger, taller, stronger, tougher, and even heavier, doesn't mean that thier any taller and tougher than us Federation types.
Gewdeque: Heh. Well, it wasn't that strong. I mean, you can feel these things even at night.
Kayl(making eye contact with Red): Klingons. They're so stupid looking. They're dirty, smelly, they have long scraggly hair, thier foreheads are so ugly, their uniforms clash with the ship, thier skin is brown and there's always something in thier nose. They shouldn't be allowed to roam free!
Gewdeque: GoyCho has dark brown skin.
Kayl: Yeah, but he's not Klingon. He's just a guy who sleeps with everyone.
(Red and Kortos sit at the table accross the room drinking blood coffee)
Red: Look at them, Kortos.
Kortos(looking at himself): It shrinks when I go into battle.
Red: Those Federation Officers think they're all that. Just because this is thier ship, the air is clean, the computers are always working, and the floor is carpeted, doesn't mean that thier air is clean. Just because they have it better, doesn't mean that they're any better than us.
Kortos(still looking at himself): Theres is better?
Red(making eye contact with Kayl): Humans. They're so repulsive. They're clean, smelly, they have short straight hair, thier forheads are so small, thier uniforms are pajamas, thier skin color varies, and there's always something in thier nose! This arsenal of a warship should be ours to have the dominating power of.
Kortos: Thier skin color varies?
Red: Yes. They are like camilions.
(Ensign Dan enters 10-Forward and sits at the table with two other Bajorans)
Ensign Dan: 'Sup?
Ligus: Hello. You're one of the Bridge Officers.
Ensign Dan: Yo, man. That Bridge is full of idiots. They don't know nothing. I say we mutiny. Ya'll up for that?
Ensign Dan: I thought youse was my possie!? You know, we Bajorans have been takin abuse from the upper class for long enough.
Keno: We've never met you before.
Ensign Dan: Oh, so it's gonna be like dat? Man, I thought you'd have an understanding. Bajorans come from the projects, know what I'm sayin? But you people don't know nothin.
(Ensign Dan walks away. Keno and Ligus glance at eachother)
Keno: So whatcha doin' tonight?
(Daniel sits up in his hammock)
First(runs up to him): Yes?
Daniel: You will address me as Your Majesty.
First: What? Who do you thin--
Daniel(slaps him upside the head): Address me!!
First: Yes, Your Majesty...?
Daniel: I am getting tired of resting in this hammock. Fetch me my bucket.
First(grumbles): I'll fetch you something, you stup--
Shane(kicks him in the butt): Jem'Hadar!!!
Shane: You will address me as the Lord.
First: Yes, the Lord?
Shane: I also want my bucket.
Daniel: You don't have a bucket.
Shane: Oh, right. Then just get me one of those twisted Vulcan wine glasses.
First: Yes, your holyness.
Shane: Chop, chop!
(Gewdeque enters the Conference room. About 43 other Federation non-Bridge Officers are in the room)
Gewdeque: What the--?
Kayl: Join us, Ensign.
Gewdeque: Join you with what?--And please tell me it's group sex.
Kayl: No... I have rounded up 42 more people who are against Klingons on the ship. We are the Against Klingon Klan!!
Gewdeque: The A.K.K.?
Gewdeque: I think you're crazy.
Kayl: Well I don't!! Is everyone ready to make a stand!?!!
(TheCrowd): Yeah!!! Wooo!!! Yeah!!!
Gewdeque: Wow, you're all synchronized. But where are you gonna find a whole bunch of Klingons in one spot at this time of space day?
Kayl: Their's a Blood Pieta Barbeque going on in 10-Forward. We plan to make an appearance!!!
Gewdeque: Oh. That's thoughtful of you.
Kayl: When I say that, I mean we're gonna crash, trash, and smash the party. Yeah!!
Gewdeque: Oh. Well that's not thoughtful.
(Two Jem'Hadar walk down a hallway)
First(holding the bucket): Are you okay?
Second(holding the twisted Vulcan wine glass): No. I have been beat up by those two Changelings for two hours. I have pain in places I never even knew I had.
First: We have to fight back.
Second: No! It's not right! They are Changelings, their people created us! They gave me the third nipple that I love so much!
First: We have to!! I don't know what it is, but it doesn't feel right to be abused this way.
Second: You're just unhappy that they pulled your yanky.
First: Yes.... that I am. Are you with me!?
Second: Yes! I will also get the other three to fight back. No doubt thier yanky's were pulled too.
(The two Cardassians enter the Dance club)
BOB: Hey, what can I get ya?
Loma: I would like a Bajoran Trove on the rocks.
Charco: I would also like some rocks.
BOB: Coming right up.
Ensign Dan(walks into the Dance club): There you are!!
Shera(dancing with GoyCho): I'm sorry Ensign Dan, but I had to cheat on you!! My life depended on it!! Plus it's fun.
GoyCho(looks at Shera): You're Ensign Dan's girlfriend!? Cool.
Ensign Dan: What? No. I'm pointing to the Cardassians!
Loma: What of us?
Ensign Dan: You put the Bajorans into labour camps! You will go to hell for that!!!
Loma: Oh yeah? Well the Cardassians don't believe in hell!!
Charco: Yes we do.
Loma: Oh, right.
(Ensign Dan runs, dances accross the dance floor, runs again and drop kicks them.)
(Daniel deliquifies out of his bucket and takes shape. Shane comes out of his twisted Vulcan wine glass)
Shane: You're right, those are comfortable. I had dreams of twisted Vulcan women.
Daniel: Where's those Jem'Hadar? They're supposed to sing us a Britney Spears song.
First: I am here.
Shane: Where've you been!? Do you want me to pull your yanky again!?
First(takes out a phaser): No, but I'll be happy to pull yours!
Shane: Eeuu, no. We're Changelings, we don't have any.
(The Jem'Hadar fires the phaser at Shane. Shane liquifies his head and the phaser misses.)
Daniel: Heh. That was good trick, Shane.
(Shane walks around headless)
(The Jem'Hadar First jumps into the bushes and starts firing. The four other Jem'Hadar fire from behind surrounding bushes. Daniel and Shane dodge the phasers)
Daniel: Aahh!! They're rebelling!! Someone hide my bucket!!
(The crowd of Federation Officers barge into 10-Forward.)
Kayl: There you are!!
(The bunch of Klingons having a barbeque look at the Federation crowd)
Red: Heh, heh. What's this?
(KlingonCrowd): Yeah!? Arrr. Grr.
Kayl: This is Federation power!!
(FederationCrowd): Yeah!! Wooo!!!
Billy: Go! Go! Power Rangers!!
(Everyone looks at him)
Billy: Oh that's the mob in the messhall, isn't it? Sorry 'bout that.
Kayl(looks at Red): I challenge you!!
Red(pauses): What kind of challenge? There are many traditional Klingon challenges to choose from.
Kayl: Oh they're all the same. Let's just fight!!
(The Federation crowd and the Klingon crowd converge in battle. Kayl kicks Red at the head; Red blocks and jabs his fist at Kayl's stomach; Kayl blocks and jump flips over Red; Red goes to turn around, but Kayl back kicks Red; Red falls down and swings his leg to Kayl's shin; Kayl is tripped)
(Daniel and Shane dodge all five phasers. Daniel liquifies and shoots himself at a Jem'Hadar. The Jem'Hadar fires a phaser, the Daniel liquid spirals around it and goes into the Jem'Hadar's stomach. The Jem'Hadar drops the weapon and grabs his stomach. The Jem'Hadar explodes, sending pieces of his body all over the Arboretum. An arm hits another Jem'Hadar in the face. Shane puts force fields around the four other Jem'Hadar and the firing stops. Daniel takes shape and approaches Shane.)
Daniel: I now have a full understanding of the inner organs of a Jem'Hadar. I have to report this to the Doctor.
Shane(looks around): I wonder what made them break out like that?
First(surrounded by a force field): It was you two!! You wouldn't care about our needs and would never listen to us!!
Daniel: Be quiet, we're trying to figure this out!
Shane: Maybe they ran out of tetra cel white? They are clones, you know.
First: Yes!! That is why! We haven't had any for months!!
Daniel: No! You both are wrong. It was because we enslaved them. I have learned a valuable lesson from all this.
Shane: That you've always had the power to walk through walls?
Daniel: No! That slavery is wrong. This is where we have faulted. I know what we have to do. Free the slaves!!! Free them!!
(Daniel releases the force fields. The Jem'Hadar start firing again)
Daniel(puts the force fields back up): Aahh!! Maybe not. Oh, I know what we'll do!!
Shane: Bring them to a Federation Rehibilitation Camp?
First: Yes! Bring us to that! I've heard so many stories of those places.... You get your own Condo, a beauitiful garden, an inground pool, luscious food, and a holographic wife that touches you in places you never knew you had!! I want to go there!!
Daniel: No!! I will not let you suffer anymore. I will set you free on this planet!
First: No! The planet is rugged and cold.
Daniel: You'll thank me for this. Go, Jem'Hadar. Go! Be free!! Be your own master!!! Run naked in the wind!!
(Gewdeque walks into 10-Forward and breaks up the fight between Kayl and Red)
Kayl: What? What is it?
Gewdeque: You all should be ashamed of yourselves!
Elly(cries): I am! I am!! I've been wearing red shoes with this uniform!! I'm so sorry!! Fasion is a crime!!
Gewdedue: No, I'm talking about this AKK thing. I can't stand by and watch as you tear eachother apart. You all have to look past phisical appearances and accept eachother for who they are!!--If not judge for who you are then at least for judge for how sexy your body is.
Red(looks down): She is right.
Kayl: Yeah, I'm sorry, Red. I let my insecurity take over me... plus I was drunk at the time.
Red: Do not apologize. Come with me to the gym and show me that left hook of yours.
(Kayl puts her arm around Red, and they walk out the room)
Kayl: Left hook? I've got more moves than that.
(The two groups walk out the room)
Gewdeque(puts her arm around Kortos): Hey, when you look at it at a certian angle, it's pretty strong.
Kortos(still looking down at himself): You think?
(The two Cardassians pin Ensign Dan up against the wall. The Commander walks in)
Gotens: Hey, Ensign Dan, I was looking all over for you.
Ensign Dan: Yo man, back me up! These Cardi's be frontin me!!
Gotens: Is that true, BOB?
BOB: For a bar of latinum it could be.
Loma: He made fun of our mama's.
Ensign Dan: I'm tryin to protect Bajoran honour. We've been pushed around by these guys and now you expect us to get along with them and thier takeela's!!
Gotens: Pushed around? Takeela's? Ensign Dan, have you ever been in one of thier labour camps?
Ensign Dan: ....No.
Gotens: Has a Cardassian ever pushed you around?
Ensign Dan: Well....not really.
Gotens: Then you don't got no beef with them!!
Loma: I'll have a beef.
BOB: Coming right up.
Gotens: Now, stop acting like something you're not and get back to your duty so you can once again be relieved of duty!!
Ensign Dan(salutes): Yes sir!!
Ensign Dan: Uhhh... can you guys put me down?
Charco: No. Heh, heh.
(The Phoenix-X treks through space, leaving the Sector)
*Daniel: Captian's log, Stardate a whole bunch of numbers. I've set the Dominion Prisoners free on the planet to flourish and reprocreate--I hope they are succesful since they were all male. The Federation may not agree with my decision, but I know I have done what is right.
*Kayl(buds in): I think I also have to leave a log, Captian.
*Kayl: --'Scuse me--
*Daniel: --Wha--don--Get your own.--Owe--get off--!
*Kayl: Lieutenant's log, same Stardate. Thanks to Gewdeque, the A.K.K. is finished for good. I put aside my misconceptions of the Klingons over another drink of Takeela. I believe that we're gonna get along with the Klingons very well for now on....plus I'm sleeping with Red.
*Ensign Dan(buds in): Excuse me. I need to say a log too.
*Daniel: Hey! Stop--! Get off me--owe--!!
*Kayl: Hey!!--Don't touch me there--!!
*Ensign Dan: Ensign's log, Stardate whatever. My respect for the Bajoran's still remains, but I've learned that that was the past and I was never in thier position. I don't know where to go with my life from here...but what I do know is that I'll be spending a lot more time in that Club--cause the fly honies be all over me when they drunk.