"Factors of Xenology"
(On the Phoenix-X, Ensign Dan enters Conference Room 2 on Deck 7 now transformed into a night club with lasers and people dancing and mingling. He sits at the bar and is approached)
Elly: Hey, there. I'm an overtly flirtatious security officer from Deck 10 if you catch my drift?
(She pauses)
Ensign Dan: Why'd you stop?
Elly: Oh! I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.
(She walks away)
Ensign Dan: Oh, man. Why do I have to be such a loser?
BOB (cleaning a glass): She didn't run away because you're a loser, you loser!
Ensign Dan: BOB, the Ferengi bartender and advisor? What are you doing here?
BOB: Both of those things! Figured I'd be one of those Quark imitators. As for you, she walked away because you're a Bajoran and Bajorans have been through the most devastating Occupation in the galaxy. They've been slaved, beat up, and did I mention slaved? Because you were mostly slaved and beat up.
Ensign Dan: So? I lived on Earth's moon during all that. It's why I'm so light headed.
BOB: She doesn't know that! Bajorans are some of the toughest people in the galaxy. Lowly privileged like us, well, we'll never understand.
Ensign Dan: I guess you have a point.
BOB: Of course I do! Now, you ordering or am I going to get Elly to throw you out?
(The Phoenix-X drops transwarp in the Dubhe sector. It slowly impulses by a couple dead Dominion attack ships. The senior staff observes from the Bridge)
Daniel: Report!
Gotens (eats popcorn): What we are seeing are the remains of one of many battles between the Federation and Dominion during what historians will now be calling the Dominion War.
(She pauses)
Ensign Dan: Why'd you stop?
Elly: Oh! I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.
(She walks away)
Ensign Dan: Oh, man. Why do I have to be such a loser?
BOB (cleaning a glass): She didn't run away because you're a loser, you loser!
Ensign Dan: BOB, the Ferengi bartender and advisor? What are you doing here?
BOB: Both of those things! Figured I'd be one of those Quark imitators. As for you, she walked away because you're a Bajoran and Bajorans have been through the most devastating Occupation in the galaxy. They've been slaved, beat up, and did I mention slaved? Because you were mostly slaved and beat up.
Ensign Dan: So? I lived on Earth's moon during all that. It's why I'm so light headed.
BOB: She doesn't know that! Bajorans are some of the toughest people in the galaxy. Lowly privileged like us, well, we'll never understand.
Ensign Dan: I guess you have a point.
BOB: Of course I do! Now, you ordering or am I going to get Elly to throw you out?
(The Phoenix-X drops transwarp in the Dubhe sector. It slowly impulses by a couple dead Dominion attack ships. The senior staff observes from the Bridge)
Daniel: Report!
Gotens (eats popcorn): What we are seeing are the remains of one of many battles between the Federation and Dominion during what historians will now be calling the Dominion War.
Daniel: What? We called it that now and it literally just ended with their surrender and heavy casualties on both sides. Odo, a Changeling, saved it, by the way.
Armond: Captain, there's an abandoned planet and twenty three dead Dominion ships in this star system. But I'm detecting life signs in two of the attack ships. Oh, never mind. That was just a popcorn on my console. I'm only detecting life signs in one of the attack ships, the Hinxen-728.
Daniel: How many?
Armond: There was only one popcorn, sir.
Daniel: How many life signs!?
Armond: Eight. Two Cardassians, one Vorta, and five Jem'Hadar. Their life support could go any day now.
Gotens: I say we leave them. Those murderous bastards invaded our Quadrant. They started the whole space battle thing! We were literally just sitting here debating Android rights.
Daniel: As a Starfleet officer, we can't compromise our ethics and must respect and help all life. Kayl, beam them aboard.
Kayl (eats popcorn): Huh? Oh, right, right.
(On Deck 5, corridors, Ensign Dan walks along)
Ensign Dan: Dootoodootoodoooo. I'm walking down a hallway. Yippie-ki-o-ay.
(Someone passes)
Ensign Dan: Boo!
Billy (runs): AAahhh!
Ensign Dan: Heh, heh.
(On Deck 8, Brig, Daniel and Shane enter. The prisoners are organized in three cells according to species)
Daniel: Ready for this?
Shane: Honestly, I'm never ready for anything.
(They approach the first cell with the two Cardassians, Charco and Loma)
Charco: Greetings, Captain.
Daniel: You don't get to greet me. You're the enemy! The enemy isn't supposed to greet their enemy—us!!
Charco: But, Captain, the war is over and the Cardassians went to your side to defeat the Dominion. Remember?
Daniel: Oh. Right. I almost missed that episode. Then that means you guys are allies. But that doesn't mean I have to like you!
Charco: Yes it does.
Daniel: Oh, man.
Charco: After the surrender, Loma and I spent all that time trying to convince the Vorta and the Jem'Hadar that their Founders abandoned them. Then you guys came and saved us before our life support failed. Thank you!
Shane: You're welcome.
Charco: Did you have anything to do with saving us?
Shane: No.
Charco: Then we're not thanking you!
Shane: Well, then I'm not welcoming you.
(Daniel and Shane then move onto the Vorta cell)
Kolit: Founders?
Daniel: No. We're the dudes that saved you.
Kolit: My life is but to serve you.
(The five Jem'Hadar in the other cell also bow)
Shane: Wow. Everyone is bowing to us. Do I have my Vulcan ears on?
Daniel: It's because we're Changelings!
Shane (glances at the Cardassians): Why aren't you bowing!?
Loma (glances at Charco): We have bad backs.
Charco (glances at Loma): It's my sacroiliac.
Shane: And why does everyone have to keep glancing!?
Daniel (glances at all): What are we gonna do with these guys?
Shane: Stop glancing!
(Everyone stops glancing)
Shane (glances around to make sure that no one is glancing): That's more like it.
Daniel: It seems that we have total control.
Shane: Yeah.
Daniel: I'm gonna try something. Computer, release force fields.
(On Deck 7, Conference Room 2, Kayl sits at the night club bar)
Kayl: Hic! Well, BOB. The ship may be overrun by Changelings, Dominion soldiers, Klingon Exchange officers, and a Ferengi bartender, but at least this night club is a safe haven for Starfleet officers! Yeah! Hic. Go Federation, go!!
BOB: But, I'm the Ferengi bartender and am the one running this ad-hoc night club in lieu monotonous meetings that could have been electronic mail.
Kayl (slams drink): Damn those Klingons! Hic!
(Red enters)
BOB (cleaning a glass): Here comes a Klingon right now.
(Red takes a seat beside Kayl)
Kayl: Aw sh— crap. Hic.
Red (glances): Do you have a problem with my being here?
(Kayl pauses. She looks around the night club and sees only Starfleet officers everywhere, dancing, and talking. She looks back at Red)
Kayl: Hic! Ye— No.
(She sips)
Red: I will have a blood energy drink.
BOB: Coming right up.
(Kayl laughs and then shuts up)
Red: You do have a problem.
Kayl: No!
Red: You think that I shouldn't be here!
Kayl: Hic! Well, we have our own culture too! Can't there be any place on the Phoenix-X where Starfleet can enjoy themselves, with themselves, not including the closet? Hic!
Red: What do you mean by hic!?
Kayl: Oh, you know what I mean.
(They give each other the evil eye)
(On Deck 1, Bridge, Ensign Dan enters)
Ensign Dan: Hey, what's up, Commander G?
(He slaps the Commanders hand)
Gotens: Don't ever short form me again. Also, informality was banned in 22nd century?
Ensign Dan: Whatever, man. Is that a free seat?
Gotens: It's the Captain's chair and it's off limits.
Ensign Dan: What? I thought we were bros!? We come from the same neighborhood. You know what I mean??
Gotens: Are you referring to the U.S.S. Xena?
Ensign Dan: Yeah!
Gotens: You're relieved!
Ensign Dan: Ohhh, I'll be back. Don't you doubt that.
Gotens: That's literally how schedules work.
(On Deck 10, Aeroponics, Shane and Daniel rest in hammocks near some potted small trees)
Daniel: Aaahhh. This is the life, huh Shane? Increased humidity, artificial UV, and growing leaves.
Shane (sips martini): Yeah. Hey, Kolit!! Where are my slippers!?
(The Vorta comes running up)
Kolit: I couldn't find them, sir.
Shane: Who cares? I'll just shapeshift them onto my feet.
(He and Daniel laugh)
Daniel: Hey, where's my drink?
Kolit: Oh, yes, sir. I'll get right on that. What drink do you want?
Daniel: Who cares! I'm a Changeling and don't need to drink.
(He and Shane laugh their heads off)
Kolit: Oh! I'll get those for you.
(On Deck 5, Messhall, Kayl and Gewdeque sit at a table, drinking coffee)
Gewdeque: Heh. I can't believe that GoyCho turned out to be a reputable lover. The database gives him five stars.
Kayl (preoccupied): Yeah, yeah. He was the same with me.
Gewdeque: What!? How dare you confirm casual promiscuity—
Kayl: —Look at them, Gewdeque.
Gewdeque: I was looking at them.
Kayl: I mean the Klingons! They think they're so mighty. Just because they're taller, stronger, tougher doesn't mean that they're any taller, stronger, tougher than any of us Starfleet types.
Gewdeque: That's exactly how they are, though.
Kayl: Klingons. They're so boorish, unkempt, lack any manners and their uniforms clash with the ship!
Armond: Captain, there's an abandoned planet and twenty three dead Dominion ships in this star system. But I'm detecting life signs in two of the attack ships. Oh, never mind. That was just a popcorn on my console. I'm only detecting life signs in one of the attack ships, the Hinxen-728.
Daniel: How many?
Armond: There was only one popcorn, sir.
Daniel: How many life signs!?
Armond: Eight. Two Cardassians, one Vorta, and five Jem'Hadar. Their life support could go any day now.
Gotens: I say we leave them. Those murderous bastards invaded our Quadrant. They started the whole space battle thing! We were literally just sitting here debating Android rights.
Daniel: As a Starfleet officer, we can't compromise our ethics and must respect and help all life. Kayl, beam them aboard.
Kayl (eats popcorn): Huh? Oh, right, right.
(On Deck 5, corridors, Ensign Dan walks along)
Ensign Dan: Dootoodootoodoooo. I'm walking down a hallway. Yippie-ki-o-ay.
(Someone passes)
Ensign Dan: Boo!
Billy (runs): AAahhh!
Ensign Dan: Heh, heh.
(On Deck 8, Brig, Daniel and Shane enter. The prisoners are organized in three cells according to species)
Daniel: Ready for this?
Shane: Honestly, I'm never ready for anything.
(They approach the first cell with the two Cardassians, Charco and Loma)
Charco: Greetings, Captain.
Daniel: You don't get to greet me. You're the enemy! The enemy isn't supposed to greet their enemy—us!!
Charco: But, Captain, the war is over and the Cardassians went to your side to defeat the Dominion. Remember?
Daniel: Oh. Right. I almost missed that episode. Then that means you guys are allies. But that doesn't mean I have to like you!
Charco: Yes it does.
Daniel: Oh, man.
Charco: After the surrender, Loma and I spent all that time trying to convince the Vorta and the Jem'Hadar that their Founders abandoned them. Then you guys came and saved us before our life support failed. Thank you!
Shane: You're welcome.
Charco: Did you have anything to do with saving us?
Shane: No.
Charco: Then we're not thanking you!
Shane: Well, then I'm not welcoming you.
(Daniel and Shane then move onto the Vorta cell)
Kolit: Founders?
Daniel: No. We're the dudes that saved you.
Kolit: My life is but to serve you.
(The five Jem'Hadar in the other cell also bow)
Shane: Wow. Everyone is bowing to us. Do I have my Vulcan ears on?
Daniel: It's because we're Changelings!
Shane (glances at the Cardassians): Why aren't you bowing!?
Loma (glances at Charco): We have bad backs.
Charco (glances at Loma): It's my sacroiliac.
Shane: And why does everyone have to keep glancing!?
Daniel (glances at all): What are we gonna do with these guys?
Shane: Stop glancing!
(Everyone stops glancing)
Shane (glances around to make sure that no one is glancing): That's more like it.
Daniel: It seems that we have total control.
Shane: Yeah.
Daniel: I'm gonna try something. Computer, release force fields.
(On Deck 7, Conference Room 2, Kayl sits at the night club bar)
Kayl: Hic! Well, BOB. The ship may be overrun by Changelings, Dominion soldiers, Klingon Exchange officers, and a Ferengi bartender, but at least this night club is a safe haven for Starfleet officers! Yeah! Hic. Go Federation, go!!
BOB: But, I'm the Ferengi bartender and am the one running this ad-hoc night club in lieu monotonous meetings that could have been electronic mail.
Kayl (slams drink): Damn those Klingons! Hic!
(Red enters)
BOB (cleaning a glass): Here comes a Klingon right now.
(Red takes a seat beside Kayl)
Kayl: Aw sh— crap. Hic.
Red (glances): Do you have a problem with my being here?
(Kayl pauses. She looks around the night club and sees only Starfleet officers everywhere, dancing, and talking. She looks back at Red)
Kayl: Hic! Ye— No.
(She sips)
Red: I will have a blood energy drink.
BOB: Coming right up.
(Kayl laughs and then shuts up)
Red: You do have a problem.
Kayl: No!
Red: You think that I shouldn't be here!
Kayl: Hic! Well, we have our own culture too! Can't there be any place on the Phoenix-X where Starfleet can enjoy themselves, with themselves, not including the closet? Hic!
Red: What do you mean by hic!?
Kayl: Oh, you know what I mean.
(They give each other the evil eye)
(On Deck 1, Bridge, Ensign Dan enters)
Ensign Dan: Hey, what's up, Commander G?
(He slaps the Commanders hand)
Gotens: Don't ever short form me again. Also, informality was banned in 22nd century?
Ensign Dan: Whatever, man. Is that a free seat?
Gotens: It's the Captain's chair and it's off limits.
Ensign Dan: What? I thought we were bros!? We come from the same neighborhood. You know what I mean??
Gotens: Are you referring to the U.S.S. Xena?
Ensign Dan: Yeah!
Gotens: You're relieved!
Ensign Dan: Ohhh, I'll be back. Don't you doubt that.
Gotens: That's literally how schedules work.
(On Deck 10, Aeroponics, Shane and Daniel rest in hammocks near some potted small trees)
Daniel: Aaahhh. This is the life, huh Shane? Increased humidity, artificial UV, and growing leaves.
Shane (sips martini): Yeah. Hey, Kolit!! Where are my slippers!?
(The Vorta comes running up)
Kolit: I couldn't find them, sir.
Shane: Who cares? I'll just shapeshift them onto my feet.
(He and Daniel laugh)
Daniel: Hey, where's my drink?
Kolit: Oh, yes, sir. I'll get right on that. What drink do you want?
Daniel: Who cares! I'm a Changeling and don't need to drink.
(He and Shane laugh their heads off)
Kolit: Oh! I'll get those for you.
(On Deck 5, Messhall, Kayl and Gewdeque sit at a table, drinking coffee)
Gewdeque: Heh. I can't believe that GoyCho turned out to be a reputable lover. The database gives him five stars.
Kayl (preoccupied): Yeah, yeah. He was the same with me.
Gewdeque: What!? How dare you confirm casual promiscuity—
Kayl: —Look at them, Gewdeque.
Gewdeque: I was looking at them.
Kayl: I mean the Klingons! They think they're so mighty. Just because they're taller, stronger, tougher doesn't mean that they're any taller, stronger, tougher than any of us Starfleet types.
Gewdeque: That's exactly how they are, though.
Kayl: Klingons. They're so boorish, unkempt, lack any manners and their uniforms clash with the ship!
Gewdeque: Some would say those are positives.
Kayl: Conflated disorder wroughts absolute disorganization. It's totally counter to our science-militarization. GoyCho told me last night.
(Red and Kortos sit at the table accross the room drinking blood coffee)
Kayl: Conflated disorder wroughts absolute disorganization. It's totally counter to our science-militarization. GoyCho told me last night.
(Red and Kortos sit at the table accross the room drinking blood coffee)
Kortos: Heh. I can't believe that Elly turned out to be a fascinating conversationalist. Also, promiscuity is a thing that happens.
Red: Look at them, Kortos.
Kortos: It shrinks when I go into battle.
Red: I mean the Starfleet officers! They think they're so mighty. Just because they're cagey, cleaner, better, doesn't mean they're cagey, cleaner, better any more than any of us Klingon types.
Red: Look at them, Kortos.
Kortos: It shrinks when I go into battle.
Red: I mean the Starfleet officers! They think they're so mighty. Just because they're cagey, cleaner, better, doesn't mean they're cagey, cleaner, better any more than any of us Klingon types.
Kortos: Theirs is better?
Red: Starfleet. They're so fastidious, wit-obsessed, depend far too much on manners and their uniforms look like pajamas!
Red: Starfleet. They're so fastidious, wit-obsessed, depend far too much on manners and their uniforms look like pajamas!
Kortos: Some would say they temper what would otherwise be an out-of-control warship.
Red: Over-order wroughts absolute persnickety. It's totally counter to our drop-dead heroism and bravery. Elly pointed out as much at her recent security lecture.
(Ensign Dan enters the Messhall and sits at the table with two other Bajorans)
Ensign Dan: What's up?
Keno: Uhh. Hi?
Ligus: Hello. You're one of the Bridge frequenters.
Ensign Dan: That Bridge is full of morons. They don't know nothing! I say we mutiny. Are you all up for that?
Keno: Sounds like an overreaction, to be honest.
Ensign Dan: I thought you were my people? We Bajorans have been taking abuse from the upper class for long enough.
Keno: We've never met you before and social class hierarchy is more subtle and muted in a militaristic-science pecking order.
Ensign Dan: Oh, so examining our bearings is how we deal with stuff? Bajorans rose from the Occupation! Rising from things is our thing!
(He exits. Keno and Ligus glance at each other)
Keno: So, I heard promiscuity has been added to the database with ratings.
(On Deck 10, Aeroponics, Daniel sits up in his hammock)
Red: Over-order wroughts absolute persnickety. It's totally counter to our drop-dead heroism and bravery. Elly pointed out as much at her recent security lecture.
(Ensign Dan enters the Messhall and sits at the table with two other Bajorans)
Ensign Dan: What's up?
Keno: Uhh. Hi?
Ligus: Hello. You're one of the Bridge frequenters.
Ensign Dan: That Bridge is full of morons. They don't know nothing! I say we mutiny. Are you all up for that?
Keno: Sounds like an overreaction, to be honest.
Ensign Dan: I thought you were my people? We Bajorans have been taking abuse from the upper class for long enough.
Keno: We've never met you before and social class hierarchy is more subtle and muted in a militaristic-science pecking order.
Ensign Dan: Oh, so examining our bearings is how we deal with stuff? Bajorans rose from the Occupation! Rising from things is our thing!
(He exits. Keno and Ligus glance at each other)
Keno: So, I heard promiscuity has been added to the database with ratings.
(On Deck 10, Aeroponics, Daniel sits up in his hammock)
Daniel: Jem'Hadar!!
Ghr'Torek: Yes?
Daniel: You will address me as Your Majesty.
Ghr'Torek: What? Who do you thin—
Daniel (slaps): Address me!!
Ghr'Torek: Yes, Your Majesty?
Daniel: I am getting tired of resting in this hammock. Fetch me my bucket.
Ghr'Torek (grumbles): I'll fetch you something, you—
Shane (kicks): Jem'Hadar!!!
Ghr'Torek: Yes?
Shane: You will address me as the Lord.
Ghr'Torek: Yes, the Lord?
Shane: I also want my bucket.
Daniel: You don't have a bucket.
Shane: Oh, right. Then just get me one of those twisted Vulcan wine glasses.
Ghr'Torek: Yes, your Lordiness.
Shane: Chop, chop!
(On Deck 1, Conference Room 1, Gewdeque enters to find it full of Starfleet officers)
Gewdeque: What the—?
Kayl: Join us, Ensign.
Gewdeque: Join you with what? Is this an extension of the promiscuity thing?
Kayl: I have rounded up tons of more people who are against the Klingons on the ship. We are organized!
Gewdeque: I think you're crazy.
Kayl: Well I don't!! Is everyone ready to make a stand!?!!
Crowd: Yeah!!! Wooo!!! Yeah!!!
Gewdeque: Wow, you're all synchronized. But where are you gonna find a whole bunch of Klingons in one spot at this time of space day?
Kayl: There's a Blood Pieta Barbeque going on in the Cargo Bay. We plan to make an appearance!!!
Crowd: Yeah!!!
Gewdeque: Oh. That's thoughtful of you.
Kayl: When I say that, I mean we're gonna crash, trash, and smash the party. Yeah!!
Crowd: Yeah!!
Gewdeque: Oh. Well that's not thoughtful.
(On Deck 5, corridors, two Jem'Hadar walk down a hallway, one with the bucket and one with the twisted Vulcan wine glass)
Ghr'Torek: Are you okay?
Yel'Denol: No. I have been morally bankrupted up by our Founders for two hours. I have emotional pain in feelings I never even knew I had.
Ghr'Torek: Perhaps we must fight back.
Yel'Denol: No! It's not right! They are our gods. They created us! They gave me the third nipple that I cherish.
Ghr'Torek: We have to!! I don't know what it is, but ever since the end of the war, independent thought has become so enticing.
Yel'Denol: You're just unhappy that you can't get into the promiscuity database.
Ghr'Torek: There is that. Yes. So, are you with me!?
Second: Yes! I will also get the other three to fight back. No doubt they lust emotionally driven morality as much as any post-war soldier would.
(On Deck 7, Conference Room 2, the two Cardassians enter the night club)
Ghr'Torek: Yes?
Daniel: You will address me as Your Majesty.
Ghr'Torek: What? Who do you thin—
Daniel (slaps): Address me!!
Ghr'Torek: Yes, Your Majesty?
Daniel: I am getting tired of resting in this hammock. Fetch me my bucket.
Ghr'Torek (grumbles): I'll fetch you something, you—
Shane (kicks): Jem'Hadar!!!
Ghr'Torek: Yes?
Shane: You will address me as the Lord.
Ghr'Torek: Yes, the Lord?
Shane: I also want my bucket.
Daniel: You don't have a bucket.
Shane: Oh, right. Then just get me one of those twisted Vulcan wine glasses.
Ghr'Torek: Yes, your Lordiness.
Shane: Chop, chop!
(On Deck 1, Conference Room 1, Gewdeque enters to find it full of Starfleet officers)
Gewdeque: What the—?
Kayl: Join us, Ensign.
Gewdeque: Join you with what? Is this an extension of the promiscuity thing?
Kayl: I have rounded up tons of more people who are against the Klingons on the ship. We are organized!
Gewdeque: I think you're crazy.
Kayl: Well I don't!! Is everyone ready to make a stand!?!!
Crowd: Yeah!!! Wooo!!! Yeah!!!
Gewdeque: Wow, you're all synchronized. But where are you gonna find a whole bunch of Klingons in one spot at this time of space day?
Kayl: There's a Blood Pieta Barbeque going on in the Cargo Bay. We plan to make an appearance!!!
Crowd: Yeah!!!
Gewdeque: Oh. That's thoughtful of you.
Kayl: When I say that, I mean we're gonna crash, trash, and smash the party. Yeah!!
Crowd: Yeah!!
Gewdeque: Oh. Well that's not thoughtful.
(On Deck 5, corridors, two Jem'Hadar walk down a hallway, one with the bucket and one with the twisted Vulcan wine glass)
Ghr'Torek: Are you okay?
Yel'Denol: No. I have been morally bankrupted up by our Founders for two hours. I have emotional pain in feelings I never even knew I had.
Ghr'Torek: Perhaps we must fight back.
Yel'Denol: No! It's not right! They are our gods. They created us! They gave me the third nipple that I cherish.
Ghr'Torek: We have to!! I don't know what it is, but ever since the end of the war, independent thought has become so enticing.
Yel'Denol: You're just unhappy that you can't get into the promiscuity database.
Ghr'Torek: There is that. Yes. So, are you with me!?
Second: Yes! I will also get the other three to fight back. No doubt they lust emotionally driven morality as much as any post-war soldier would.
(On Deck 7, Conference Room 2, the two Cardassians enter the night club)
BOB: Hey. What can I get ya?
Loma: I would like a Bajoran Trove on the rocks.
Charco: I would also like some rocks.
BOB: Coming right up.
Ensign Dan (enters): There you are!!
Shera (dancing with GoyCho): I'm sorry Ensign Dan, but I had to cheat on you!! My life depended on it!! Plus it's mandatory for the database.
GoyCho (looks at Shera): You were Ensign Dan's girlfriend!?
Ensign Dan: What? No. I'm pointing to the Cardassians!
Loma: What of us?
Ensign Dan: You put the Bajorans into labor camps! You will go to hell for that!!!
Loma: Oh yeah? Well the Cardassians don't believe in hell!!
Charco: Unless you consider the afterlife judgement a kind of hell.
Loma: Yeah. There's that.
(Ensign Dan runs, dances across the dance floor, runs again and then drop kicks them)
(On Deck 10, Aeroponics, Daniel deliquefies out of his bucket and takes shape. Shane comes out of his twisted Vulcan wine glass)
Loma: I would like a Bajoran Trove on the rocks.
Charco: I would also like some rocks.
BOB: Coming right up.
Ensign Dan (enters): There you are!!
Shera (dancing with GoyCho): I'm sorry Ensign Dan, but I had to cheat on you!! My life depended on it!! Plus it's mandatory for the database.
GoyCho (looks at Shera): You were Ensign Dan's girlfriend!?
Ensign Dan: What? No. I'm pointing to the Cardassians!
Loma: What of us?
Ensign Dan: You put the Bajorans into labor camps! You will go to hell for that!!!
Loma: Oh yeah? Well the Cardassians don't believe in hell!!
Charco: Unless you consider the afterlife judgement a kind of hell.
Loma: Yeah. There's that.
(Ensign Dan runs, dances across the dance floor, runs again and then drop kicks them)
(On Deck 10, Aeroponics, Daniel deliquefies out of his bucket and takes shape. Shane comes out of his twisted Vulcan wine glass)
Shane: You're right. Those are comfortable. I had dreams of twisted Vulcan men.
Daniel: Where are those Jem'Hadar? They're supposed to sing us an ancient Earth Britney Spears song.
Ghr'Torek: I am here.
Shane: Where've you been!? Do you want me to demoralize you again!?
Ghr'Torek (takes out a phaser): No, but I'll be happy to unmorality you!
Shane: Eew, no. We're Changelings. We don't have morals.
(The Jem'Hadar fires the phaser at Shane. Shane liquifies his head and the phaser misses)
Daniel: Heh. That was good trick, Shane.
(Shane walks around headless)
Ghr'Torek : Attack!!!!
(Jem'Hadar First Ghr'Torek jumps behind a large potted plant and starts firing. The four other Jem'Hadar fire from behind other surrounding plants of various shapes and sizes. Daniel and Shane dodge the phasers)
Daniel: Where are those Jem'Hadar? They're supposed to sing us an ancient Earth Britney Spears song.
Ghr'Torek: I am here.
Shane: Where've you been!? Do you want me to demoralize you again!?
Ghr'Torek (takes out a phaser): No, but I'll be happy to unmorality you!
Shane: Eew, no. We're Changelings. We don't have morals.
(The Jem'Hadar fires the phaser at Shane. Shane liquifies his head and the phaser misses)
Daniel: Heh. That was good trick, Shane.
(Shane walks around headless)
Ghr'Torek : Attack!!!!
(Jem'Hadar First Ghr'Torek jumps behind a large potted plant and starts firing. The four other Jem'Hadar fire from behind other surrounding plants of various shapes and sizes. Daniel and Shane dodge the phasers)
Daniel: Are you kidding me? They're rebelling?? Uh! How rude.
(On Deck 9, Cargo Bay, the xenophobic crowd of Starfleet officers barge in to find a peaceful gathering of Klingon exchange officers having a blood barbeque)
Kayl: There you are!!
Red: What? How dare you intrude in on our very elaborate culture.
Klingon group: Yeah!? Arrr. Grr.
Kayl: Starfleet power!
Starfleet group: Yeah!! Wooo!!!
Billy: Go! Go! Power Rangers!!
(Everyone looks at him)
Billy: Oh, that's the mob in the Messhall, isn't it? Sorry about that.
(He leaves)
Kayl (eyes Red): I challenge you!!
Red: What kind? There are many traditional Klingon challenges to choose from.
Kayl: Oh, they're all the same. Let's just fight!!
(The Starfleet group and the Klingon group converge in battle. Kayl kicks for Red's head but Red blocks and jabs his fist toward Kayl's stomach. Kayl blocks and jump flips over Red who goes to turn around, but Kayl back kicks Red. Red falls down and swings his leg to Kayl's shin, tripping her)
(On Deck 10, Aeroponics, Daniel and Shane dodge all five phasers. Daniel liquifies and shoots himself at Ghr'Torek as he is firing. The Daniel liquid spirals around it and goes all over Ghr'Torek like a second skin, controlling his movement and knocking Yel'Denol in the face. Daniel separates and takes shape as Shane erects forcefields, prompting them all to stop)
(On Deck 9, Cargo Bay, the xenophobic crowd of Starfleet officers barge in to find a peaceful gathering of Klingon exchange officers having a blood barbeque)
Kayl: There you are!!
Red: What? How dare you intrude in on our very elaborate culture.
Klingon group: Yeah!? Arrr. Grr.
Kayl: Starfleet power!
Starfleet group: Yeah!! Wooo!!!
Billy: Go! Go! Power Rangers!!
(Everyone looks at him)
Billy: Oh, that's the mob in the Messhall, isn't it? Sorry about that.
(He leaves)
Kayl (eyes Red): I challenge you!!
Red: What kind? There are many traditional Klingon challenges to choose from.
Kayl: Oh, they're all the same. Let's just fight!!
(The Starfleet group and the Klingon group converge in battle. Kayl kicks for Red's head but Red blocks and jabs his fist toward Kayl's stomach. Kayl blocks and jump flips over Red who goes to turn around, but Kayl back kicks Red. Red falls down and swings his leg to Kayl's shin, tripping her)
(On Deck 10, Aeroponics, Daniel and Shane dodge all five phasers. Daniel liquifies and shoots himself at Ghr'Torek as he is firing. The Daniel liquid spirals around it and goes all over Ghr'Torek like a second skin, controlling his movement and knocking Yel'Denol in the face. Daniel separates and takes shape as Shane erects forcefields, prompting them all to stop)
Daniel: I now have a full understanding of the body of a Jem'Hadar. I have to report this to the Doctor.
Shane: I wonder what made them break out like that?
Ghr'Torek: It was you two!! You wouldn't care about our needs and would never listen to us!! We now understand the oppressive rule of the Founders thanks to you.
Daniel: Be quiet, we're trying to figure this out!
Shane: Maybe they ran out of ketracel white? They do love that stuff.
Ghr'Torek: Yes!! That is why! Now it all makes sense!
Daniel: No! You both are wrong. It was because we enslaved them. I have learned a valuable lesson from all this.
Shane: That you've always had the power to walk through walls?
Daniel: No! That casual, non-ranked subjugation is wrong. This is where we have faulted. I know what we have to do. It's what the Dominion should have done a long time ago. Free the slaves! Free them!!
(He releases the force fields. The Jem'Hadar start firing again. He quickly puts it back up)
Daniel: Ah, I know what we'll do.
Shane: Bring them to a Federation rehabilitation center?
Ghr'Torek: Yes! Bring us to that! I've heard so many stories of those places. You get your own condo, a beautiful garden and an inground pool! I want to go there!!
Daniel: No!! I will not let you suffer anymore. I will set you free on this planet.
Ghr'Torek: But that planet is rugged and cold?
Daniel: You'll thank me for this. Go, Jem'Hadar. Go! Be free!! Be your own master!!! Run naked in the wind!
(On Deck 9, Cargo Bay, Gewdeque enters and breaks up the fight between Kayl and Red)
Shane: I wonder what made them break out like that?
Ghr'Torek: It was you two!! You wouldn't care about our needs and would never listen to us!! We now understand the oppressive rule of the Founders thanks to you.
Daniel: Be quiet, we're trying to figure this out!
Shane: Maybe they ran out of ketracel white? They do love that stuff.
Ghr'Torek: Yes!! That is why! Now it all makes sense!
Daniel: No! You both are wrong. It was because we enslaved them. I have learned a valuable lesson from all this.
Shane: That you've always had the power to walk through walls?
Daniel: No! That casual, non-ranked subjugation is wrong. This is where we have faulted. I know what we have to do. It's what the Dominion should have done a long time ago. Free the slaves! Free them!!
(He releases the force fields. The Jem'Hadar start firing again. He quickly puts it back up)
Daniel: Ah, I know what we'll do.
Shane: Bring them to a Federation rehabilitation center?
Ghr'Torek: Yes! Bring us to that! I've heard so many stories of those places. You get your own condo, a beautiful garden and an inground pool! I want to go there!!
Daniel: No!! I will not let you suffer anymore. I will set you free on this planet.
Ghr'Torek: But that planet is rugged and cold?
Daniel: You'll thank me for this. Go, Jem'Hadar. Go! Be free!! Be your own master!!! Run naked in the wind!
(On Deck 9, Cargo Bay, Gewdeque enters and breaks up the fight between Kayl and Red)
Gewdeque: Stop!!!
Kayl: What? What is it?
Gewdeque: You all should be ashamed of yourselves!
Elly: I am! I am!! I've been wearing red shoes with this uniform!! I'm so sorry!! My fashion is a crime!!
Gewdedue: No, I'm talking about this anti-Klingon thing. I can't stand by and watch as you tear each other apart. You all have to stop interpreting your differences as negatives and accept each other for who you are!! Think of the promiscuity.
Red: She is right.
Kayl: Yeah, I'm sorry, Red. I let my insecurity and ignorance take over. Plus, I did have Bajoran Trove.
Red: I had the blood version of that! But let's not undercut our lack of responsibility. Come with me to the gym and show me that left hook of yours.
(Kayl puts her arm around Red, and they walk out the room)
Kayl: I'll show you more than that.
(The two groups also walk out the room)
Gewdeque: Hey, Kortos. You didn't shrink at all.
Kortos: Qapla'!
(On Deck 7, Conference Room 2, the two Cardassians pin Ensign Dan up against the wall in the night club. Gotens enters)
Kayl: What? What is it?
Gewdeque: You all should be ashamed of yourselves!
Elly: I am! I am!! I've been wearing red shoes with this uniform!! I'm so sorry!! My fashion is a crime!!
Gewdedue: No, I'm talking about this anti-Klingon thing. I can't stand by and watch as you tear each other apart. You all have to stop interpreting your differences as negatives and accept each other for who you are!! Think of the promiscuity.
Red: She is right.
Kayl: Yeah, I'm sorry, Red. I let my insecurity and ignorance take over. Plus, I did have Bajoran Trove.
Red: I had the blood version of that! But let's not undercut our lack of responsibility. Come with me to the gym and show me that left hook of yours.
(Kayl puts her arm around Red, and they walk out the room)
Kayl: I'll show you more than that.
(The two groups also walk out the room)
Gewdeque: Hey, Kortos. You didn't shrink at all.
Kortos: Qapla'!
(On Deck 7, Conference Room 2, the two Cardassians pin Ensign Dan up against the wall in the night club. Gotens enters)
Gotens: Hey, Ensign Dan, I was looking all over for you for relieving opportunities.
Ensign Dan: Bro! Back me up! These Cardies are the worst!
Gotens: Is that true, BOB?
BOB: For a slip of latinum it could be.
Loma: He made fun of our mothers.
Ensign Dan: I'm trying to protect Bajoran honor. We've been pushed around by these guys and now you expect us to get along with them and their kanars!!
Gotens: Pushed around? Kanar? Ensign Dan, have you ever been in one of their labor camps?
Ensign Dan: I saw holograms of one once.
Gotens: Has a Cardassian ever pushed you around?
Ensign Dan: The holograms from that simulation did.
Gotens: That doesn't count. Your beef is with cultural disparity. Not these guys specifically!
Loma: I'll have a beef.
BOB: Coming right up.
Gotens: Now, stop acting like something you're not and get back to your duty so you can once again be relieved of duty.
Ensign Dan: Yes, sir.
(Pause)
Ensign Dan: Sorry, Cardies. Can you guys put me down?
Charco: Fine.
(Later, the Phoenix-X treks through space, leaving the Dubhe sector)
Ensign Dan: Bro! Back me up! These Cardies are the worst!
Gotens: Is that true, BOB?
BOB: For a slip of latinum it could be.
Loma: He made fun of our mothers.
Ensign Dan: I'm trying to protect Bajoran honor. We've been pushed around by these guys and now you expect us to get along with them and their kanars!!
Gotens: Pushed around? Kanar? Ensign Dan, have you ever been in one of their labor camps?
Ensign Dan: I saw holograms of one once.
Gotens: Has a Cardassian ever pushed you around?
Ensign Dan: The holograms from that simulation did.
Gotens: That doesn't count. Your beef is with cultural disparity. Not these guys specifically!
Loma: I'll have a beef.
BOB: Coming right up.
Gotens: Now, stop acting like something you're not and get back to your duty so you can once again be relieved of duty.
Ensign Dan: Yes, sir.
(Pause)
Ensign Dan: Sorry, Cardies. Can you guys put me down?
Charco: Fine.
(Later, the Phoenix-X treks through space, leaving the Dubhe sector)
#Daniel: Captain's log, Stardate 52958.4. I've set the Dominion officers free on Planet Rokunda to flourish and procreate somehow. I hope they are successful since they were all male. The Federation may not agree with my decision, but I know I have done what is right.
#Kayl: I think I also have to leave a log, Captain.
#Daniel: What? Ouch—
#Kayl: Excuse me.
#Daniel: Wha— Don't— Get your own. Owe! Get off!
#Kayl: Lieutenant's log, same Stardate. Thanks to Gewdeque, xenophobia is finished for good, everywhere, all the time. I put aside my misconceptions of the Klingons over another drink of Bajoran Trove. I believe that we're going to get along with the Klingons very well from now on. Plus, the promiscuity thing with Red.
#Ensign Dan: —Excuse me. I need to say a log too.
#Daniel: Hey! Stop— Get off me. Owe!!
#Kayl: Hey!
#Ensign Dan: Ensign's log, Stardate that. My admiration for the Bajorans remains, and I've learned that that was the past and my respect for their hardships must not be self-serving. I don't know where to go with my life from here, but what I do know is that BOB shut down that night club due to money not being a thing on this ship.
#Kayl: I think I also have to leave a log, Captain.
#Daniel: What? Ouch—
#Kayl: Excuse me.
#Daniel: Wha— Don't— Get your own. Owe! Get off!
#Kayl: Lieutenant's log, same Stardate. Thanks to Gewdeque, xenophobia is finished for good, everywhere, all the time. I put aside my misconceptions of the Klingons over another drink of Bajoran Trove. I believe that we're going to get along with the Klingons very well from now on. Plus, the promiscuity thing with Red.
#Ensign Dan: —Excuse me. I need to say a log too.
#Daniel: Hey! Stop— Get off me. Owe!!
#Kayl: Hey!
#Ensign Dan: Ensign's log, Stardate that. My admiration for the Bajorans remains, and I've learned that that was the past and my respect for their hardships must not be self-serving. I don't know where to go with my life from here, but what I do know is that BOB shut down that night club due to money not being a thing on this ship.
#Daniel: We had a what? You're relieved!