The Return of the Borg
(The ship is at red alert, everyone is at emergency battle stations. Daniel stands up from his Captian's chair.)
Armond: They're hailing.
Daniel: On scre--
*(Voice): We are the Borg. Lower your shields and prepare to be boarded. Resistance is futile. This is a recording. ...We are the Borg--
(The Borg Queen goes on screen)
*Borg Queen(takes out the cassette): Sorry about that. It just goes on automatically sometimes.
Daniel: Hey! You're not the nudist ship in distress. You tricked us!!
*Borg Queen: Yup, we faked the distress signal. Ha! Ha! Ha! You Federation lowbreds are so gullable.
Ensign Dan: Oh my gosh, we're lowbreds!? Only if I had known!! Oh the shame!! The shame!!
Daniel: What do you want?
Ensign Dan: A cappucino.
Daniel: Not you! I wanna know what the Borg want!
*Borg Queen: Oh you know, the usual; We are the Borg, lower your shields, blah, blah, blah. Resistance is futile, yada, yada, yada....
Shane(steps up): Well you won't get us without a fight!
Daniel: I say the dramatic lines on this ship, okay?
(The Phoenix-X raises shields and backs up a little. The Phoenix-X fires two quantum torpedoes at the Borg Cube. The two Quantum Torpedoes blast holes in the Cube. The momentum of the torpedoes push the Cube back a little.)
Shane(makes a fist): Haha! Let's see them recover from that!
*(The Borg Cube regenerates; the holes in the ship disappear as the wires and tubes rebuild)
Shane(pauses): Oh ...they are recovering from that.
Daniel(steps up): Red. Abvasive manouvers, Alpha-Beta-Cereal.
Red: Yes, sir.
(The small Phoenix-X flies towards the enormous Borg Cube. The Cube fires torpedoes and misses the Phoenix-X. The Phoenix-X speeds up and flies circles around the Cube, releasing plasma gas. The Pheonix-X hovers away from the Cube, turns around to face it, and fires torpedoes. The torpedoes egnite the plasma, and a circle of destructive explosions hug the Borg Cube. Four adjacent sides of the Cube are shattered. The Cube is severely crippled)
Daniel: Well done, Red.
Red: Sir, it is an insult to compliment a Klingon.
Gotens: Are they dead?
Daniel: Yup. I think this is the last we've seen of the Borg. Come on, everyone, let's go home...
(Three Borg drones beam onto the Bridge)
Gotens(glances at Daniel): Why do you always have to be wrong?
Daniel: I wasn't wrong about bringing Spike on the Bridge.
(The dog, Spike, walks over to the Commander and pees on his leg)
Gotens(jumps back): Oh man! I just had these shoes polished!! Now I gotta go through all the trouble of asking the computer to do it again. Computer, polish my shoes, please.
(The computer acknoledges)
Gotens: ...Jeez, five seconds of my life, wasted away...
(A drone grabs a random Federation transient, Ensign Joe, and aims its fist at Joe's neck; two tubes shoot out from the fist into Joe's neck. Joe becomes disorientated and his skin turns pale. Tiny Borg implants burst out the surface of his skin and spread into his body like a virus.)
Ensign Dan: Oh, damnit, Joe owes me two bars of latinum!
(Lieutenants GoyCho and Elly step off the turbolift and discharge thier torpedo rifles at that drone. The drone explodes, sending body pieces all over the Bridge)
GoyCho: Just a little upgrade we worked on, Captian. You should see what we've done to the urinals.
(Shane and Daniel take on the remaining two drones. Daniel liquifies and goes inside the drone's body, through its nostrals; the drone's life support fails, and it falls to the floor, dead. Shane grows fangs and pointy eye brows; his upper body bursts into muscles and he grows taller; his left arm thickens as horns break out all around it and his hand transforms into a large claw. Shane pulls his claw back and swings it across the other drone; the drone's upper body is torn off and flung over to the other side of the Bridge)
Gotens: Jeez, Shane, all you needed was the claw. What's the deal with the fangs, horns, muscles, and pointy eye brows?
Shane(reverts back to his usual shape): I needed proper momentum ....plus it looked really cool.
Daniel(pours out of the other drone and takes shape): Well, the action has finally died down and everyone is safe again ...I have wierd feeling that this isn't the last we've seen of the Borg. Come on, everyone, let's go home...
(Ten more Borg beam onto the Bridge)
Gotens: Why do you always have to be right?
Daniel: Hey, I was wrong about Michael Jackson's comeback.
(Armond checks internal sensors)
Armond: There are Borg all over the ship. They're like bugs, they're everywhere!! Ahh!! Ahh!!! There's a spider on my uniform!!! I'm arachnophobic!! Ahhh!!!!
Ensign Dan: We're gonna die!!! I'm still a virgin!!!
Tong: I married my cousin and devorced her for my sister!!!
Shane: No need for confessions, everyone.
(Shane approaches Armond's control panel and taps at it)
Armond: Hey! Do I tap at your control panels!?
(Shane beams out. Everyone in the room scatters to fight back at the Borg. Each and everyone's battles are death defying and courageous--well, except for Ensign Dan's.)
Ensign Dan(runs around in circles): Aaahhhh!!!!
(Suddenly, the Borg drones stop in thier tracks. They just stand there, like statues... it's all quiet. Everyone looks around and hesitates to move for fear of the worst.)
Gotens(at a control panel): Captian, the Borg are hailing us.
(The Borg Queen and Shane go on screen)
*Borg Queen: Greetings Captian.
Armond: Aahh!! It's the Borg Queen!!
*Borg Queen: Where!?--oh, you mean me. Heh, heh. Yeah, I get that a lot. But I just happen to look like her. We have the same Proctologist though.
Ensign Dan: Hey, do that cool head separation thing.
*Borg Queen: No! That's my method of foreplay.
Daniel: Shane, what's going on? And don't tell me you're her Proctologist.
*Borg Queen: Go ahead, Shane. Tell him.
*Shane: Well, it's about time I told you about a chapter of my life that I thought I'd never have to reveal...
*(The room dims and the spot light goes on him)
*Shane: It was my fifteenth year on the Hou-Ling... the Gogh was always fresh... Captian Sergio was going through a midlife crisis... bellbottoms were in style for the hundereth time... and Michael Jackson was trying to make another comeback...
(3 Years Ago... Shane enters the Bridge, of the Hou-Ling, with two of his Klingon friends)
Derok: Ha! Ha! And did you see that Jackson guy!? Ha! Ha! He's doing surgury to become a Klingon!
Shane: Ha! Ha! Ha! Did you see the bell bottoms the Captian was wearing!? He was trying to dance to Klingon Disco!
Sergio(standing there in bell bottoms): Ahem.
(Shane and his two friends look at the Captian)
Loytic(walks over to the Captian's side): Shane, how could you dishonour the Captian like that? Do not mind, Shane, father. I will challenge him to a fight.
Shane: Oh please. I could kill you five times before you enter Kovostor. Besides, you're my brother.
Loytic: I see bad things in your future, with an attitude like that.
(The ship goes into red alert. A voice goes on audio)
*(Voice): We are the Borg. Lower your shields and prepare to be boarded. Resistance is futile. This is a recording. For more information on the Borg, contact your local Borg Travel Agent. Call now and get a two for one assimilation kit.
Derok(lowers shields): Aahhh!! We'd better do what they say!!
(A drone beams onto the Bridge and grabs Shane. It shoots its tubes into Shanes neck)
Shane: What is this?
(Shane pushes the tubes out, internally. He shoves the drone away and spits out the implants. The drone looks confused.)
Shane: He's trying to have robot sex with me!!
(The drone moves on and grabs Loytic. The drone inserts the implants into Loytic. Loytic's skin turns pale and he stumbles to the floor.)
Shane(suddenly begins to dematerialize): Loytic!!
(Shane is beamed into the central Borg chamber. The Borg Queen approaches him)
BorgQueen: What are you? We cannot assimilate you for some reason.
Shane: Stop that thing on my ship and I'll tell you!!
BorgQueen(holds up her hand): There. It is stopped. Now, what are you?
Shane: I'm a Changeling--a Founder--a Shapeshifter--Jelloman--Gumby--Jiggilypuff--and so on.
BorgQueen: I see. Where are you from?
Shane: I am not sure. I was found, floating around in space.
BorgQueen: I see. How do you make lov--
Shane: Listen, I'd love to stay for 20 questions. But you just killed my brother. I think it's time for revenge.
(Shane begins to transform into a large creature)
BorgQueen: If you attack me, I will assimilate your entire crew.
Shane(reverts to normal): What do you want!? Can't you see the emotional state I'm in!? ...These are the kinda times I wish I could drink Klingon vodka.
BorgQueen: I want to assimilate your crew. The Klingons are a new species for us.
Shane: Well, don't assimilate them. A couple of them owe me money.
BorgQueen: That is our nature! Unless you give us something more interesting....
(Back to present time...)
*Shane: So I gave her half the volume of my Changeling Protoplasm to leave the crew alone--well, that, and we rocked the casba.
Daniel: You sacraficed half of yourself for the entire crew?
*BorgQueen: Precisely.
Daniel: Jeez. Not even I'd do that for my crew.
*Shane: Listen, Captian, you're responsible for hundreds of lives.
Ensign Dan: ...Heh, yeah, kinda makes you think....
*Shane: So I'm giving the Borg the rest of my Changeling Protoplasm to let the Phoenix-X go.
Daniel: The rest of your Changeling Protoplasm...? But that's all you are. You'll be giving yourself!
(A violin begins to play)
*Shane: Go, Daniel. Go and save the rest of your crew! Do it for Old Yeller. Turn around and don't look back! It's for the best.
Daniel: But--
*Shane: Just go!!
Daniel(turns around): Alright! Ya ain't gotta tell me twice...
(The screen goes out)
Ensign Dan: Phew. Finally, he's gone. One down, one to go. Now waddaya say we get outta here?
Red: Setting a course for Klingon space, heh, heh.
Armond(looks at all the Borg drones, still on the ship): Ahh!! What are we supposed to do with all these drones!? Throw a drone party!?
Gotens: Oh no! There's a bloch of dirt on my pants!! We have to do something!!
Daniel: No!
(Everyone looks at the Captian)
Daniel: We're not going without Shane. That crazy Changeling was willing to give half of himself for his crew; now I'm willing to give half of my crew for that crazy Changeling! Red, fire a full spread of quantum torpedoes at the Borg Cube, with attitude!
Red(with attitude): Yes sir!
(The Phoenix-X fires a spread of Quantum Torpedoes at the Cube. The Cube's shields absorb it)
Armond: Aahh!! The Borg have adapted!!
Ensign Dan: Yeah, wooptido, let's just get outta here before they beam all of us off the ship into thier Borg Brig.
*Borg Queen(goes on screen): You have stayed specifically when we told you to leave! I'm going to beam all of you into our Borg Brig before you try to get out of here!!
Armond: Aahh!! No-no. Our finger just slipped. We have butter fingers!!
(There's a massive beam out. Every single person on the ship, except the Borg, are suddenly beamed out)
[commercials.]
(Every person from the Pheonix-X is beamed into Borg jail cells; 5 people-per cell.)
Gotens: Oh man. This lighting is definitely going to ruin the color-fade of my uniform.
Daniel(looks out of the cell at the Borg drones walking by): I wonder why they're not assimilating us.
Armond: Don't wonder, just be happy.
Ensign Dan: Oh man. Since when do the Borg have jail cells? I can't believe I got stuck in a cell with you guys.
Red(picks up Ensign Dan by the neck): Do you have a problem with my presence...?
Ensign Dan: Ack-- no, of course not--!
(The Borg Queen approaches the viewscreen, in the central Borg chamber, and turns it off.)
Borg Queen: Heh. I knew that they would come back.
Shane: Hey! What are you gonna do with them now?
Borg Queen(walks over to him): Well, that all depends on one thing...
Shane(thinks): Uhh... whether I'll have sex with you?
Borg Queen: No! Whether you'll succomb to my wishes.
Shane: ...Rrriiiight.
(Kayl and GoyCho make out, in another cell)
Kayl: Mm, take me baby--
GoyCho(stops kissing her): But won't Red be mad?
Kayl: Yeah, but since when do you care about the other person?
*Daniel: Daniel to Kayl.
Kayl(taps her comm badge): Yes, sir?
*Daniel: It would seem that the Borg are oblivious to our comm-badge frequency.
Kayl(looks at GoyCho): Damn.
*Daniel: I want you and your group to work on upgrading those dischargers.
Kayl(taps her comm badge): Aye, sir. Kayl out.
(The Borg Queen approaches Shane, in the Central Borg Chamber)
Borg Queen: Jeez, Shane, you're more boring than Picard and Seven of Nine ever were. Just change into a festive puppy for me.
Shane: No!
Borg Queen: Fine! I'll just have to find another method of foreplay ...Wanna see the head trick?
Shane: What's with you and sex with your enemies?
Borg Queen: Data never asked questions. Well, I might as well show you what we've done with your other half.
(A drone leads a Shane-look-alike out)
Borg Queen: Shane, meet Shoon. We tried giving him the same name as you, but one of our Scottish Borgs messed up on the pronoonciation.
(Shoon looks exactly like Shane)
Shoon(expressionless): Greetings.
Shane: He acts exactly like your drones. You guys don't do drugs, do you?
Borg Queen: We've found a way to assimilate him; Borg nano probes at the cellular level of his Changeling Protoplasm. We have total control of him and what shape he can turn into.
(She pinches Shoon's cheek)
Borg Queen: He's my little baby. Yes you are. Oh, yes you are.
Shane: Please stop that.
(Kugo taps at a control panel, in her cell)
Tong(looking out the cell): Are you sure that this is such a good idea? There are Borg everywhere!
Kugo: This cannot be. The Borg have the same encoded Transwarp algorythms as the Phoenix-X...
(She taps at the panel)
Kugo: ...And the same configurations and frequiencies...
Gewdeque: They must've assimilated thier Transwarp technology from the same species that we got the blueprints for our Transwarp technology!!
Kugo(taps her comm badge): Kugo to Captian. I believe I have found a way to hack into the Borg computer without them knowing.
*Daniel: Good work, Lieutenant.
(Shoon approaches Shane)
Shane: Ahh!! Get away from me!!
Shoon(puts his hand on Shane's shoulder): Link with me, Shane.
Shane: No! Go away!! You're touching my special area!
Shoon(glances at the Borg Queen): I cannot link with him, to assimilate him, unless he allows it.
Borg Queen: Yes, I already know. We're linked as one mind, remember?
Shane: I'm gonna go run a muck, now, if that's okay with you?
Borg Queen: No!! Link with Shoon, or I will assimilate the entire crew of the Phoenix-X!!
(Commander Gotens taps at the control panel, in his cell)
Gotens: There, I've gained access to the Borg central computer. Hey, cool, they have solitare.
Daniel: Can you release the cell's force field?
Gotens: Yeah. But I wouldn't reccomend it until we're totally ready. Any alteration to any small part of the ship is going to alert the Borg.
Armond: Who needs to fight the Borg? Why don't we just stay here and live out our sentence?
Red: That would be dishonourable and very boring.
Gotens: I think I can access thier sensors and reroute it to a holographic viewscreen.
(A floating viewscreen appears. Gotens taps at it)
Daniel: What's going on?
Gotens(reading the screen): The Phoenix-X is still intact. There are Borg all over it.
Daniel: Spike will take care of them.
Gotens: Oh my gosh.
Daniel: They didn't assimilate Spike, did they!?
Gotens: No. The Phoenix-X is in Sector 34! They're going to assimilate a Federation planet from the Phoenix-X!
Armond: Aahh!!
(Shane glances at the Borg Queen)
Shane: Do I have to link with Shoon to be part of your Borg collective?
Borg Queen: Yes!!
Shane: But can't I just be a janitor or something? I'll do a really good cleaning job.
Borg Queen: No!! Perhaps you need a little pursuasion...
(The Borg Queen stretches out her arm to signal a drone to step forward. The drone walks up to Shane. Shane immiediately recognizes the Klingon drone)
Shane: --Loytic!!!
Borg Queen: He is part of the collective now.
(Gotens taps at the floating holographic panel)
Daniel: It all makes sense. The Borg desguise themselves as the Federation; The Phoenix-X is welcomed to any Federation planet; and all of a sudden, with the Federation's defenses down, the Borg start a mass assimilation. ...It's either that, or the Borg are going to do the mombo.
Gotens: They're starting with the Federation planet, Trunkola. The tree species.
Armond: Oh man. Some of my best friends are trees.
Daniel: Is there anyway you can stop the Phoenix-X?
Gotens: ...No. But the Phoenix-X is sheduled to come back here after the first four hundred troops beam onto the planet's surface.
Daniel: Good. When it comes back, we'll be ready. We'll beam back onto the ship.
Ensign Dan: Oh great. From a Borg cube, filled with drones, to a ship, filled with drones.
Gotens: The ship is only gonna have a skeleton crew of Borg drones.
Armond: Aahh!!! Skeleton!? Where!?
Gotens: I can't access transporters from this control panel. The transporter control panel is located down the hall to the right, from our cell.
(The Borg Queen looks over at Shane)
Borg Queen: ....Well? What is your decision?
Shane: Okay, okay. I'll conform to your wierd procedures of physical pleasure.
Borg Queen: No!! I want you to link with Shoon!!
Shane: Alright, aliright. Just as long as I don't have to conform to your wierd procedures of physical pleasure and you don't assimilate the Phoenix-X crew.
(The Borg Queen nods. Shane liquifies his arm and shoots it out to Shoon's shoulder)
Shane: Here goes nothing.
(GoyCho tickles Kayl as she works on the weapons)
GoyCho: Tickle, tickle, tickle...
Kayl: Stop! I have to modify these dischargers.
(The Phoenix-X returns to normal space, in front of the Borg Cube. The Borg Queen approaches Shane. Shane is taller, now being combined with his original other half, Shoon)
Shane(glances at the Borg Queen): ....
Borg Queen: Excellent. You are now part of the collective. The Phoenix-X is back. You will lead it to Starfleet Headquarters and transport five hundred drones onto the Earth's surface. If that is successful, we will assimilate your Changeling homeplanet.
Shane(nods): ....
(Daniel paces in his cell)
Daniel: I feel like a lab rat.
Ensign Dan: That's because you're starting to shapeshift into one.
Daniel(reverts): Oops. My mind just goes off sometimes.
Gotens(looking at the panel): The Phoenix-X is back.
*Kayl: Kayl to Captian. The upgrade is finished. I can replicate the torpedo rifles.
Daniel: Very well. Commander, release the force field.
(The force field of thier cell is dropped and the Cube's red alert goes on. The five of them grab the torpedo rifles as they are replicated in mid-air)
Ensign Dan(loads his rifle): Alright. Let's boogy.
(Two Borg run up to them. Ensign Dan and Red discharge two torpedoes at them, and they blow apart. The five of them start running down the hallway as Borg drones chase them. A drone intercepts them at the front; Red whacks the drone across the face with the rifle. Gotens access the control panel as the other four discharge thier torpedoes at incoming drones. Body pieces splatter all over the place)
Gotens: I'm attempting to reverse the previous transport so that everyone will beam back onto the Phoenix-X.
Armond(ducks a flying arm and a whole bunch of guts splatter in his face): Okay, you do the dirty work while we just play around.
(The amount of drones attacking, doubles. One of the drones grabs Ensign Dan and shoots out two tubes from its fist. Ensign Dan and the other four dematerialize before being assimilated. The Borg Queen watches everything and slams her fist against her chair in anger)
Borg Queen: Aaarrrggh!!!!
(The five of them beam onto the Bridge of the Phoenix-X. Three drones are presently operating on the control panels; they turn around and walk towards the five. The Captian discharges three torpedoes and explodes the three drones)
Armond(access internal sensors): The ship is practically assimilated. There are Borg devices all over it. Hull integridy has improved by 200%! --And look, Solitare!
Gotens(reading another panel): Captian, the rest of the crew didn't beam aboard. It's just us five against six hundred Borg drones.
Red(reloads his rifle): I can handle those odds.
Daniel: Can you beam the rest of the crew aboard?
Gotens(taping at the panel): I'm trying... but a subspace warp field is blocking it.
Armond: We're going into Transwarp.
(The Phoenix-X disappears as it enters subspace transwarp. Still inside the Borg Cube, the rest of the Phoenix-X crew releases themselves from the cells and fight back at the Borg drones. Back at Starfleet Headquarters, Admiral Cloud plays mini golf in Admiral Ross's office.)
Cloud: Yes! Hole in one!! --Admiral Ross, eat your heart out.
(The Phoenix-X re-enters normal space, at Earth. Nine more drones enter the Bridge of the Phoenix-X and walk towards the five.)
Armond: Captian, there are twenty more Borg coming.
(Lieutenant Red fires the torpedos at the Borg.)
Gotens(at a panel): Captian, the Phoenix-X is hailing Starfleet Headquaters from a different location on the ship.
Daniel: Who?--From where!?
Ensign Dan(falls back and fires at the drones): We hafta get outta here!!
Gotens: From the Vector 2 Battle Bridge.
Daniel: Beam us there.
Gotens: Okay. ...dotodotodoo...
(Daniel looks at him. The Borg are seconds away)
Gotens: --Oh you mean now?
Daniel: Yes!!
(Back at the Borg Cube, the crew desperately fights back)
GoyCho(discharges his rifle): Ha!! Take that!!
(The Borg absorbs it)
GoyCho: Oh my gosh. You did take that.
Kayl(access a control panel and puts up a force field around the group of Borg attacking them): Heh. Let's see them get outta that.
(The drones walk right through the shields)
Kayl: Damn. I hate being contradicted.
GoyCho(glances at her): Contra--what? --Wanna you do some quick sex before we die?
Kayl(access her rifle and changes the discharge frequency): I have a better idea.
(She fires and blasts the drones into pieces. Ensign Dan, Red, Gotens, Armond, and Daniel beam into the Vector 2 Battle Bridge of the Phoenix-X. Shane is standing there looking at the viewscreen of Borg beaming onto the surface)
Daniel: Shane!
Armond(takes a tri-quarter reading): He's been assimilated. I'm sorry, there's nothing we can do.
Red(aims his rifle): Sure there is. We can blow him to bits! Ha! Ha! Ha!! --I'm just so blood thirsty today.
Daniel(pushes Red's rifle away): No!! I can try to de-assimliate him by linking with him.
Gotens: But you'll be assimilated too!!
Ensign Dan: Wohoo, go for it Captian! You have my full support.
Daniel: No. To link you have to choose to. Shane chose to be assimilated to save our lives--I'll just link with him, and choose not to be assimilated.
Ensign Dan: Oh, man.
Daniel: He'll accept me, because he wants to assimilate me...
Ensign Dan: Yeah, Shane's always trying to frisk people.
Armond(at a panel): 300 Borg are already on the surface of Earth. They've broken into the White House--puh, cheap security.
(Daniel liquifies and shoots into Shane. Shane's shape warps and he liqufies. The body of liquid swerves around in battle)
Gotens: Can we stop the Borg transports?
Armond: No, sir. The Borg are still in control of the ship. Wanna have a two player game of Solitare?
(Two Federation Officers walk along the lakeside, beisde Starfleet Headquarters. Three Borg drones beam in front of them. They attempt to fight back, but get assimilated. In the Borg Cube, the crew fights back. Most of them are lost in all the hallways.)
Kugo(discharges a couple torpedoes): I am running out of frequencies. Are there any numbers higher than 9 ultra-illion and 84?
Gewdeque(access another panel): Sir, 78 people from our crew have been assimilated!!
Kugo: Ahh!!! I'm scared--oh wait, I am a Vulcan, I am not supposed to be scared. Ensign, I order you to be scared.
Gewdeque: Yes, sir. --Aaahhh!! I'm scared!!!
(Three Federation Starships, the Xena, the Manila, and the Enterprise, fly infront of the Phoenix-X. They fire phasers and photon torpedoes on the Phoenix-X. The Phoenix-X's shields are down because of Borg transport; and holes are blasted into the hull.)
Picard(clenches his fist): Let's see them recover from that!!
(The holes in the hull of the Phoenix-X repair themselves.)
Picard: Oh dear! The Phoenix-X has the same regenerative abilities as the Borg!!
(The body of liquid still fights around in itself, in the Battle Bridge of Vector 2)
Ensign Dan: That's kind of disgusting.
(Red blasts away the remaing Borg on that deck)
Red: Ha! Ha! Ha! I may be a warrior succombing to fire power, but at least I'm a warrior who can cook fresh Gogh.
(The body of liquid bursts. Daniel, Shane and Shoon go flying accross the room, hitting against the wall)
Daniel(gets up): There.
(Two Borg break into Admiral Ross's office. Admiral Cloud just stands there)
Cloud(pees in his pants): Eep.
(The drones walk towards him. They suddenly lose balance and collapse to the floor. All the Borg on the planet, collapse unconscious.)
Cloud: Phew. --I needa towel. ...Wait a second... peeing in your pants...that's much more convienient than traditional means...
(Kugo meets up with Kayl in one of the Borg hallways and they fire at incoming Borg drones.)
Kayl: It's no use.
(They fire at the Borg, but they've already adapted and are walking towards them.)
Gewdeque: Only if they would just stop in thier tracks and fall down.
(The Borg drones suddenly stop in thier tracks. They fall down.)
Kugo: Wohoo!! --I mean, Ensign, cheer for me.
Gewdeque: Wohoo!!
GoyCho(comes on to Kugo): Well, hello there, gorgeous. That's a really nice uniform, it would look even better on the floor of my quarters.
Kayl(slaps GoyCho): Jerk!
GoyCho: We could have a threesome...
Kayl(thinks about it): Well...
Gewdeque: What about me?
GoyCho: No. You never do anything.
Gewdeque(slaps GoyCho): Jerk!
(The Borg Queen slams her fist into her chair again and breaks it)
Borg Queen: Aaaaahhh!!! The link! Where's the link!?! I can't feel the collective!!
(The chair begins to shake and all the equiptment hanging above her collapses on top of her)
(Gotens walks over to Daniel and helps him up)
Daniel: Thanks.
Gotens: Don't be thanking me! You got Changeling residue all over my shoes!!
Ensign Dan: What happened? Did you get assimilated?
Daniel: No. Shane was in constant mental contact with the Borg; so I got him to send a sabatoge signal back to the collective. We also had time to play, Guess What I'm Thinking.
Shane(gets up and dusts himself off): The link of every Borg from that Cube was severed because they were connected too. I told them to sleep.
Shoon(stands up): Whoa...my head...
Armond: Aahh!! Another Changeling!!!
Ensign Dan: Hey, that's my line.
Shane: Me and Shoon mixed eachother with the cells with the Borg nano probes. They were unable to replicate, but was enough to control both of us together. Now that we are apart, half of me has Borg nano probes, and half of Shoon has Borg nano probes. Since only half of us are assimilated, it's not enough to take over us. So we're back to normal--
Gotens(scrubbing his shoes): Would you shut up! Can't you see the crisis I'm in!?
Armond(picks up a phaser and aims it at the Borg): You know. Blasting the Borg to pieces is all good an' all if you wanna decorate the ship. But I'll take a clean phaser any day.
(He fires at the Borg on the floor, and the borg vapourizes. Shane walks up to Shoon)
Shane: I can't believe that you developed into a sentient being. Wanna rejoin me?
Shoon: Uhh... no thanks. I just wanna get back to the Hou-Ling.
Shane: The Hou-Ling was destroyed a long time ago. That's why I'm here. But if you wanna meet up with old friends, Derok transferred to the Bochnah before the Hou-Ling was destroyed.
Shoon: That stupid Derok. If he never lowered the shields to the Hou-Ling, the Borg would've never assimilated Loytic. I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind--after I ask to live on the Bochnah with him. Heh, heh.
Shane: That's the old Shane I used to know--I mean, be. Consider me your evil double from another universe--or twin brother.
Shoon: --Well, okay. As long as we don't have to trade presents on our birthdays.
Armond(at a panel): Captian. I have control of the ship, again. I believe I can surpress most of the Borg technology on the ship except for this certian one.
Daniel: What one?
Armond: There seems to be a highly advanced replicating system mapped out around the hull of the ship. There are ship bios and shematics programmed into its own computer; a self regenerating system for the hull.
Daniel: Interesting. I guess we have to keep it.
Armond: I might be able to dismantle it in time. If you want.
Daniel: I'll think about it.
*Picard(goes on screen): Captian, are you okay?
Daniel: Yes, you bald headed freak.
*Picard: Captian, remember my emotional attachment to the Borg.
Daniel: Oh yeah, sorry. Well, anyways, I want you to start vapourizing all these Borgs on the surface before they become the living dead. God, I hate those movies.
*Picard: Understood.
(The screen goes out. Daniel stands at the head of the Bridge. The Next Generation theme song starts to play in the background.)
Daniel: Well, so ends another near death episode. Come on, everyone, let's go home...
Gotens(inturupts the music): --But we are home. We're at Starfleet Headquarters.
(The Next Generation theme song begins again)
Daniel: Oh, right. Well then, let's go back to that Borg Cube to pick up the rest of the crew. Engage!
