Episode 64

Star Trek: Phoenix-X
King of the Iron Fist Tournament

The Phoenix-X enters the Bejorkas System. Captain Cell takes a seat at his command chair.
Cell: “Aaahh… Now this is the life. Exploring new worlds, seeking out new life and new civilizations. I mean, who wouldn’t want to do all that?”
Seifer: “You make a good point there, Captain.”
He slouches in his chair too.
Amp: “What are you guys talking about? You’re just using that as an excuse to do no actual work!”
Seifer: “Hey, we never said it wasn’t easy.”

The screen suddenly clicks on.

>Merg: “Greetings! We are the Blegerk! We would like to join your Federation under this sudden encounter of social standpoints.”
Seifer: “Yeah, sure. Whatever.”
>Merg: “—You mean… We have joined? Just like that?”
Cell: “Yup.”
>Merg: “Um… Alright then. I suppose we’ll just… Uhh… pack.”
Cell: “You do that.”
>Merg: “But there is one more thing!”
He presses a button on his ship’s control panel.
>Merg: “It’s our custom to make other races battle each other until they reach their boiling point! Hahahaha!”

Suddenly the entire Senior Staff appear on a desolate planet. There, they’re confronted by giant Gorn.

Gorn1: “Gggoooorrrrr…!”
Seifer: “Ahh! Where are we?”
Kugo, looks around: “It appears as if we’re being forced to fight to the death.”
Cell: “Oh that’s original! Like this type of thing hasn’t been done before!”
RaeLuna: “Who are you yelling at?”
Cell: “No one.”
Omega: “I will practice non-violence. For that is the way of the Federation.”
Cell: “Are you kidding me? The Federation is all about violence! Now come on everyone. Let’s fight!”
Everyone looks at each other, hesitantly.
Lox, raises his hand: “Uhh, what about those of us that can’t fight?”
Seifer: “Alright, anyone to ignore Lox’s scream for help when the Gorn attack, say ‘aye’?”
Cell/Kugo/RaeLuna: “AYE.”
He looks over to Omega.
Seifer: “Don’t act like you’re not one of us. Follow the group.”
Omega: “—Err… ‘Aye’?”
Lox: “Hey!”

Suddenly the group of Gorn engage the whole senior staff of the Phoenix-X. Each and everyone battles to the death. Piles of Gorn begin to layer up next to the group.

Amp, sits alone on the Bridge of the Phoenix-X due to his limitations of being a hologram: “Hey. Where’d everyone go?”

Meanwhile, the Senior Staff has killed all the Gorn. Cell’s shapeshifted heart is pounding, along with his adrenaline.
Cell, breathing heavily: “Ha! Alright—more! Send more!”
Seifer, cracking his knuckles: “That was a bit of a challenge. But I enjoyed it.”
RaeLuna: “I was born a fighter.”
Kugo: “Same here.”
Omega: “Android Fighting Skill—Leveled up; Level 24. HP; 4399. MP; 234.”
Lox comes crawling in, with major cuts and bruises: “Aaahh! Ack! I made it...Hhh! I’m… I’m alive…”

The Blegerk alien, Merg, from earlier, appears.

Merg: “What the? You were supposed to die or fight until you got fed up!”
Cell: “Are you kidding me? I want more! Bring it!”
Merg: “This is crazy! I’ve never met an organization so obsessed with fighting…!”
Kugo: “What about the Klingons?”
Merg: “They’re like fairies compared to you! I’m out of here! We’re joining some more peaceful organization! …Like the Borg!”

He disappears.

Seifer: “Well that’s kind of a downer.”
Cell: “Puh! We don’t need him. Come on everyone, let’s go home.”
He turns around and begins walking towards the sunset. The others just stand there, confused.
RaeLuna: “Where is he going?”
Seifer, nods: “…Where he has to RaeLuna… Where he has to…”

Later, everyone returns to the Phoenix-X for some much needed food-in-taking. Lox and Amp sit at a table, while Amp watches Lox eat plates and plates of food.
Lox: Chomp! Chomp! Chomp!
Amp: “Man, Lox! I’ve never seen you so hungry before.”
Lox: “Hey, an organic being has to eat you know.”
He continues feeding.
Lox: “Besides. That fight was hectic. I was lucky to get out of there alive! You’ve got to enjoy life to its fullest.”

Seifer sits at the next table with Kugo. He is also eating plates and plates of food.
Kugo: “Why are you so hungry? You fought with minimal injury and maximum success.”
Seifer: “I’m just trying to beat Lox in the food amounts. I won’t let him eat more than me!”
Kugo: “That is not logical.”
Seifer: “It’s a male superiority thing.”
Kugo: “That is perfectly logical.”

Suddenly, Captian Cell enters 10-Forward, where everyone is.

Cell: “People! Lend me your ears!”
The crew become afraid that they have to actually tear off their own ears and throw it at him.
Cell: “No, no. Not literally! You silly bunch.”

Ensign Billy, rubs a bandage that is wrapped around his head: “Oh thank God, not again.”

Cell: “What I really mean, is listen up!”
Everyone glances over.
Lox: “Hey, wasn’t he walking towards some sunset?”
Amp, shrugs: “I dunno.”
Cell: “Stop talking! Due to some suggestions that we should do more fighting, I’ve allotted a Tournament to be held in the Battle Arena. This will be a tournament of wits… strength… and agility!”
Grath, raises his hand: “What about honour?”
Cell: “Sure, whatever.”
Grath, feeling mopey: “…I like honour…”
Cell: “People! This Tournament will be taking place in one week! So sign up and start practicing!”
He walks out 10-Forward.

Lieutenant GoyCho enters.
GoyCho: “Huh? I missed it. What’s going on?”

Everyone turns to each other, talking over themselves.

Amp: “Whoa! Can you believe it! An actual fighting tournament!”
Lox, puts his food down: “I know! This is amazing!”
Amp: “Um… shouldn’t you be against it? I mean, you are a Doctor.”
Lox: “Yeah, but it means more patients for me. I get so lonely in Sickbay.”
Amp slowly moves away in fear.

GoyCho takes a seat with Seifer and Kugo.
Kugo: “It’s about time we put some use to that Arena.”
GoyCho: “Hey, what’s going on?”
Seifer: “I think I’ll sign up. I’d like to see how far I can go.”
GoyCho: “Far? Are we going somewhere?”
Kugo: “Well, Commander. I think I’ll sign up aswell. I feel I have a certain amount of confidence in myself.”
GoyCho: “Conference? Are we going to a conference?”
Seifer: “In that case, Lieutenant Commander… I look forward to seeing you in the ring.”
Kugo: “Likewise.”
They stare at each other competitively.
Kugo: “But no biting the knee caps!”
Seifer, wines: “Awww!”
They get up and leave.
GoyCho: “Kneecaps? Is the conference on kneecaps?”

RaeLuna enters the Tech Room where Omega is, and crosses her arms.
Omega: “Good evening, Luna of Rae.”
RaeLuna: “That is not even my name!”
She uncrosses her arms.
RaeLuna: “Ugh! I cannot even believe this Tournament! Who would in their right minds support something of violence? I mean, that’s wrong!”
Omega: “I’m merely an Android. I have no real opinion.”
RaeLuna: “Oh, Omega. Has everything I’ve studied about the Federation been wrong? I thought they were an organization of peace… Was I wrong, or are they changing?”
Omega: “I—cannot—handle… emotion—Circuits failing…”
RaeLuna: “I know, I know. This whole Federation thing will get better one day… I hope.”

Commander Seifer enters the Captain’s Ready Room.
Seifer: “Hey Captain, I just wanted to say; great idea on the Tournament. It’s the best one yet!”
Cell, looking up from reading a report: “Huh? The what?”
Seifer: “The Tournament! The one you announced so enthusiastically in 10-Forward the other day.”
Cell: “Ohhhh yeah. I tend to announce random things. So there’s a Tournament, huh? What is it? Chess? Smoking?”
Seifer: “Fighting!”
Cell: “Right! That fighting Tournament. You know I’ve been wondering… I suppose it was pointless for me to start that since there’s no one I can really fight. Remember, the omni’X bestowed upon me their X power. How can I possibly fight without instinctively resorting to it? I would blast anyone away.”
Seifer: “True. I guess, the only person that probably stands a chance against you is Omega.”
Cell: “Wait a moment… You’re right! Omega is practically a destruction machine!”
Seifer: “Just like our last combat android, Trunks, was.”
Cell: “Who?”
Seifer: “Nevermind.”

Elly punches a punching bag in the Gym. GoyCho approaches.
GoyCho: “Well I just got the new TR-23’s in stock. Nice weapons.”
He holds up a phaser rifle.
Elly, punches: “Ugh! –Nice. But nothing will compare to the element of fighting hand-to-hand combat!”
GoyCho: “Are you kidding me? A phaser blast can vapourize those hands in a nano-second.”
Elly: “You’ve got to realize, GoyCho; people nowadays are fast. I mean, really fast. They can punch faster than some of those phaser’s can be shot.”
GoyCho: “Well, you can have your hand-to-hand combat style. I’ll stay with my preferred weapon of choice… a weapon!”
He holds up his phaser rifle again.
Elly: “You do that. In the meantime, I’ll be showing you up in this Tournament. The winner gets two free tickets to Voyager’s EMH Opera. He goes all out in a new performance explaining his trials as a hologram!”
GoyCho: “Really? I actually wanted to see that. Anyway, I refuse to join this barbaric tournament for fear of losing appendages. –Oh my God, WHAT IS THAT?"
He points to the open doors.
GoyCho: “I thought I saw someone sneak by.”
He holds up his rifle and starts walking towards the doors. Getting there, he finds no one.
Elly, smiles: “Oh GoyCho! You’re always wanting to test out your new weapons. When will you ever learn, silly!”

A bunch of Klingons sit in 10-Forward, drinking.
Kortos: “When will this Tournament staaaarrrrrt? I’m getting aaaannnnxious…!”
Amos: “Quit your wining! You are a Klingon of the Empire!”
Kortos: “What did you say to me? I am the aggressive one here!”
Amos: “Oh right, my apologies.”
Targon: “As Klingons, we might prove ourselves in battle.”
Grath: “No kidding, Targon. What did you just realize that now, or did you finally turn Klingon?”
Amos: “Yeah! We’ve known that all our lives! Why would you try telling us that now as if we were ignorant?”
Targon: “Well… I just wanted to give you the heads up…”
Grath: “Well next time don’t! There are things we already know, and that is one of them. Another one is how to wash blood wine out of a white shirt. Use cold water in sugar.”
Amos: “Really? Does that work for blood pudding aswell?”
Kortos: “Enough of this episode filler! We must act out plot now!”
Targon: “What did you have in mind?”
Kortos: “It’s that Tournament that’s been bothering me… or should I say, enlightening me! Hah!”
Targon: “You may.”
Kortos: “We must show our strength to the crew. We must defeat the Captain in battle!”
Amos: “Hahaha! That is crazy! We don’t stand a chance against that abomination of a Captain!”
Targon: “Amos, how could you say that? He taught you how to love again.”
Amos: “That’s disgusting! And it was kung-fu he taught me!”
Grath: “It was I that learned to love again.”
Kortos: “Shut up with that! We are not mutinying against the Captain, God rest his soul; We are just fighting him for honour!”
Grath: “Klingons do not believe in God, and the Captain is not dead. You were just talking about him!”
Kortos: “More sidetracking? I will kill you!”
Grath: “Aww, that was the kindest thing you’ve ever said to me.”
Targon: “Okay! Okay! We will fight the Captain, and we will show this crew who are the real Klingons!”
Amos: “Which reminds me. Has anyone seen that group of humans on Deck 16 who are trying to dress and act like Klingons? I mean, come on!”
Targon: “Hah! They make human-inter-racial copying look like circus games!”
Kortos: “Anyways… Break!”
They each pile their hands like a team and break off into opposite directions.

GoyCho sneaks down a corridor quietly, following someone with his rifle. The person has no idea and turns a corner. When GoyCho gets a good look, he realizes it’s an alien intruder. The alien looks Blegerk.

GoyCho: Gasp! “What should I do? If I report this, the entire Tournament will be interrupted. But if I don’t, this alien will destroy us all! …Oh, it’s a hard decision to weigh.”

He thinks for a moment.

GoyCho: “Or, I can just say, if I report it, I will lose the advantage I have on the alien! Yes, that will work for reverse-engineering my reasoning.”
He continues sneaking down the corridors.
GoyCho: “But what is that alien doing here…?”

Seifer and Kugo are in the Gym, practicing fighting. Seifer launches a kick to which Kugo grabs the leg and kicks her own into Seifer’s stomach. Seifer is knocked back, but keeps his stance.
Seifer: “Nice one. But you won’t get that lucky in the Tournament!”
Kugo: “Speaking of which… When is this Tournament starting?”
Seifer: “Yeah good point. It feels like it’s been forever!”
Kugo: “More like eternity!”
Seifer: “Yeah! Why didn’t I say that instead of ‘forever’? Oh man, I must be losing the vocabulary to all this kung-fu. –Hey I know! I’ll just start the Tournament early!”
Kugo, nods in agreement: “Right! And then you won’t lose as much vocabulary!”
Seifer, nods: “Right! Hey, let’s say ‘right’ more often. I like it.”
Kugo, nods again: “Right!”

The bells ring, and the Torunament starts. People crowd around the Battle Arena, yelling and cheering as the EMH and the EMKH take the center of the Arena to host the show.
EMH: “Welcome to the King of the Iron Fist Tournament 6-hundred and 80-thousand! I’ll be your host, the Emergency Medical Hologram.”
EMKH: “And I will be your second less pitiful host, the Emergency Medical Klingon Hologram! Tell me the nature of your emergency or I will rip out your throat!”
The crowd cheers in excitement.
Billy, nudges his friend: “Heh heh! He once force-palmed my face for being too yokel!”
Matt, annoyed: “I’d be in this, but my Armlet broke!”
The EMH walks around with the microphone.
EMH: “Well, to start out this event, why don’t we introduce the sponsors? We have the 24th Century Santa Claus here today and Admiral Ross with his new line of g-strings!”
The crowd cheers in excitement as the two walk out waving. Ross shows his g-strings.
EMKH: “Your sponsors suck! The Klingons have come up with their own, more powerful sponsors. Let me introduce the President of the Blood Wine Association, General Hitokei and two Ferengi lackeys! –And to their left, we also have the support of thatFantome Species! The lovable yet freakishly strange race of night-crawlers!”
The crowd cheers in excitement.
EMH: “Now let’s get this Tournament started with our first two fighters. Introducing, at 180-pounds and a height of 6”10, Borisnikov!”
Borishnikov walks out into the Arena, growling.
EMKH: “And to the other corner of the ring, weighing in at negative-3-pounds and at a height of 4000-pixels, the virus-hologram, Amp!”
Amp walks out. The crowd continues cheering.
EMH: “Well, it’s organic against Hologram this round. Let’s see how things pan out.”
EMKH: “Are you ready to rumble? Perhaps we need a little incentive.”
EMH: “You’re right Emergency Medical Klingon Hologram. Is everyone ready to rumble?”
The crowd yells in a confusion of cheering.

The bells ring and Amp and Borishnikov run out into the Arena. Borisnikov leaps out a jump kick, to which Amp dodges to the side and upper-cuts. Borishnikov is punched through his jaw, falling backwards onto his back. He swipes his legs for Amp’s shins, but they just pass right through Amp, because Amp is a hologram.
EMH, commentating: “Oh! Looks like Amp is breaking out the ghosting ability. Let’s see what the Organic brings to the table.”
EMKH: “Hey, Emergency Medical Hologram, do Organics have any special power?”
EMH: “Well they can digest food and grow hair. Maybe that’ll help in this fight!”
They both chuckle.

Borishnikov dives to Amp’s side, dodging a lower jab. Then from the floor and behind Amp, he raises his legs to kick into Amp’s back. Amp is knocked forward towards the marker-line, but transports himself back into the center of the Arena where Borishnikov is.
EMKH: “That was a close one by the virus-hologram! Looks like he’s got his transferring sub-routines online.”
EMH: “Just a little history update on our friend here; Amp is a virus-program. Basically what that means is he can corrupt computer databases. He appears in holographic form, and says the Phoenix-X is so used to his viral abilities that the ship’s computers now depend on him!”
EMKH: “That is just great, Emergency Medical Hologram. What do we have on the Organic?”
EMH: “Whoa! Looks like I lost the padd on that one. We’ll just have to go back to the fight!”

Amp duplicates himself, creating five more copies that circle Borishnikov. He uses them all to attack Borishnikov, as he deflects all the incoming punches and kicks with his forearms and feet. Ducking a few jump kicks to his head, he swings his own foot around, kicking each Amp out past the marker-line. All the Amp’s except one is still in the fight. Borishnikov runs up Amp’s body and kicks down at his head from above. Amp hits the floor and Borishnikov lands on his feet.
Amp: “Ugh!”
EMH: “Oh! He should have applied transparency on that, because that must hurt the pixels!”

Meanwhile, Cell enters the Arena squeezing through the crowds. He shapeshifts his way through the small cracks until finding Omega, who is watching the fight.
Omega: “Greetings, Captain.”
Cell: “Omega! I just wanted to ask you something.”
Omega: “The recalibration of the entire ship is complete. You have maximized your taking-of-advantage-of-me.”
Cell: “No, it’s not that. I was wondering if you were up for a special fight between me and you?”
Omega: “Is that permissible? No one is to fight the Captain of the Phoenix-X.”
Cell: “It is if I allow it. Now are you in? I feel as if no one can stand a chance against us, but perhaps against each other we can be worthy opponents.”
Omega, nods: “If that is what you wish, then I will engage in battle at the appointed time.”
Cell: “Great! I’ll make the arrangements. In the meantime, you may want to lose a few pounds.”
He taps Omega’s metallic exoskeleton.
Cell: “Looks like you’ve been gaining a little weight there, buddy! Hah!”
Omega: “I do not understand.”
Cell: “Need to lay off the breakfast burritos, huh? Haha! Ah, that’s just a little friendly competitive spirit. But seriously, chunking out a bit there? You need some Taebo on that ass like fast!”
He walks away, leaving Omega to absorb the insults.

Borisnikov turns to Thai style and leaps into the air above Amp. He rams his elbow into Amp’s head as he comes down, knocking Amp to the floor. Amp struggles to get up, launching another kick for Borisnikov. But Borishnikov launches his body in rotation, under Amp’s jump-kick, slamming his own leg-side into Amp’s stomach. Amp feels major pain and falls to his knees. This also causes the lights on Deck 16 to blink defectively.
EMH: “Ohh! And there goes half the Phoenix-X’s systems. Looks like Amp is a little too interconnected with the ship.”
EMKH: “I’m starting to disappear myself!”
The EMKH suddenly loses his lower torso.
EMH: “Um, buddy. You should actually get that checked.”
EMKH: “Do not speak to me like that, or I will rip out your holographic throat!”

GoyCho sneaks down the corridors on Deck 16 when he notices the lights blinking out. Looking around in confusion, he suddenly notices that the Blegerk alien sees him.
GoyCho: Gasp!
The alien dives to the ground, pulling out his own weapon. He fires a pulse blast at GoyCho, to which GoyCho dives under, firing his own phaser beam. The beam almost hits the Blegerk, but the Blejerk alien scrambles off down another dark corridor.

GoyCho gets up and chases after. He runs down the dark hallway until slamming into a group of people clumsily.
GoyCho: “Ufff!”
Phil: “Yo homie! Why you be running into Klingon’s and stuff?”
GoyCho: “What the? You’re not Klingons! You’re Humans!”
Belm: “Yes we is. This be how Klingon’s act, fool!”
GoyCho: “No it’s not! You’ve got it totally wrong! Oh forget it. Get out of my way!”
He fires his phaser into them, knocking them down.
Phil, on the floor: “Uhhh… We be Klingons. That’s… how… we… do...”

Ensign Dan sleeps in the Captain’s Chair on the Bridge. He is the only one there, as he crawls up.
Computer: Beep, Beep! “Weapons fire on Deck 16.”
Ensign Dan, rolls over trying to sleep: “Nehhhh!”

RaeLuna goes to 10-Forward where she is the only one there, except for BOB the Ferengi bartender.
BOB: “How can I help you today?”
RaeLuna: “Oh BOB, all that fighting is so unnecessary. What’s the point?”
BOB: “To my understanding, it is to test the wits, strength and agility. There may be something about honour, but I’m not sure.”
RaeLuna: “Yeah, I know. Competition is a part of fighting, but why is the Federation so obsessed with it now? I was hoping I was entering a peaceful organization.”
BOB: “My advice, is to just give it some time. You’ll see that the Federation remains good.”
RaeLuna: “Thank you, BOB. You seem a better bartender than that other Ferengi everyone speaks of… that Quark?”
BOB: “Yes, yes. I know.”

Meanwhile, in the Arena, Amp is knocked over the laser-marker line. He slams into the wall of the Battle Arena, over the crowd.

The crowd cheers in that unexpected fight, with Borisnikov winning.
EMH: “Alright, Borishnikov will be pitted in the final rounds against the winners of these beginning rounds. Next up we’ve got Commander Seifer and Lieutenant Commander Kugo!”
EMKH, reappears: “Well I am back. That was a close one back there, but I reprogrammed my legs.”
EMH, looks at him: “Those are human, female legs.”
EMKH: “Yes, they are so silky. Anyway, back to the fight!”
EMH: “Alright, let’s drop some more background information here; These fights are chosen randomly by the computer. Opponents have no idea who they’re going up against until a minute before the fight.”
EMKH: “Well, unless the computer was rigged.”
They both chuckle.
EMH: “Good one, Emergency Medical Klingon Hologram!”

Seifer and Kugo enter the Arena. The audience yells them on.
Kugo: “Commander! You rigged the fight so that we’d be pitted against each other?”
Seifer: “Yeah. Is that a problem?”
Kugo: “No! I was just going to say ‘good going’!”
They both engage battle.

GoyCho wanders the halls of Deck 16, finding nothing. He looks around having completely lost the alien intruder.
GoyCho: “Damn! Oh well. I guess I’d better report it. Seems like a Red Alert kind of thing too.”
He turns his head upwards.
GoyCho: “Computer! Intruder Alert!”

Suddenly all the red lights on the ship blink on and off. The Red Alert siren goes off aswell. Captain Cell stops in his tracks in the middle of a hallway.
Cell: “Alright. Time to fight to death... Huh? Red Alert? Hmmm… The Red Alert puts a good touch on the fighting atmosphere. Whoever put it on is a genius! Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrhhh!”
He runs down towards the Battle Arena, pumped to fight.

Meanwhile, Ensign Dan turns over in the chair on the Bridge of the Phoenix-X.
#GoyCho: “GoyCho to the Bridge. There’s an intruder on board. Send a team down to Deck 16, immediately!”
Ensign Dan, waves his hand as he’s trying to sleep: “Nnnehhh!”

GoyCho enters Security Locker Room where Elly is putting on a vest for the Tournament.
Elly: “Hey! How’s it going?”
GoyCho: “I dunno. It seems like nobody cares there’s an intruder onboard!”
Elly: “Oh yeah. I hate when that happens. The Phoenix-X has already been invaded by Ferengi Marauders, Orion Traders, Suliban Snipers, Arkarian Assassins, the Traveller, that new Maquis group no one knows about, and that weird Fantome species. We’re like a cesspool of invasions!”
GoyCho: “But why? Don’t we have Security all over the ship?”
Elly: “We do, but right now we have that Tournament on. Everyone’s there! It’s great!”
GoyCho: “I suppose so… the Voyager Opera sounds like a pretty hot ticket.”
Elly: “Don’t worry, GoyCho. Someone will eventually run into the intruder. When we find that person’s dead body, then we’ll know that the intruder was there.”
GoyCho: “Will the intruder be captured?”
Elly: “…No. By that time he’d probably have escaped. But at least we’ll have less cargo after it’s stolen.”
GoyCho: “I guess that’s an up-lifting way to look at it… Oh well. I’d better get going to upgrade more weapons for future thieves…”
Elly watches as GoyCho leaves the Locker Room, saddened.

Meanwhile, Seifer kicks Kugo in the stomach at the exact same time she forces both her palms into his chest. The double blow knocks them both close the laser marker line, but not close enough. They both run at each other again for another attack, when they are suddenly interrupted by the entrance of Captain Cell.

The Crowd: Gasp!

On the other end of the Battle Arena, the combat android, Omega, enters through opposite doors. Everyone looks over in his direction in shock. Seifer and Kugo have stopped fighting.
Seifer: “Huh?”
EMH: “OOHH! And it looks like the top fighters have made their entrance. For fear of destruction, we have to let them fight in place of our current fighters.”
EMKH: “That’s a definite statement there, my photonic ally. Our present fighters will receive free gift baskets and a certificate to Moc’s Hairstyling & Cutting on Deck 19.”
EMH: “Not to try to say anything, but that guy on the left down there really needs one!”
Seifer: “Hey!”

Captain Cell and Omega take the center of the Arena, as Seifer and Kugo step to the side in shock.
Cell: “Are you ready to fight a master, Omega?”
Omega: “Operating systems are ready to begin. Press any key to continue.”
Cell, takes a stance: “Alright then… bring it on…”
Omega, presses a button on himself: “Start up sequence initiated!”

Cell and Omega jump up and quickly punch and block fists repeatedly, again and again. Cell then leans back and kicks multiple times, until Omega is kicked a distance away.

EMH: “And the masters have begun! Cell dives a jab to the left, as Omega blocks a knee to the stomach! Two round houses cause a dizzying world of damage to Omega, as Cell kicks him to the head with attitude!”
EMKH: “Oh and it’s attitude that’s gaining on this round. Omega has opened up a can of force-palms on Cell’s protoplasmic ass; forcing a hit to the Captain’s upper body. Cell goes flying back, but not before saving himself with a shapeshifted anchor to the floor.”
EMH: “And Cell’s now a liquid entity, trying to stay in the ring. He’s making a move towards Omega, springing out multiple fists! Can Omega block them all?”
EMKH: “Yes he can! Omega miraculously swipes his forearms around, matching each of Cell’s many incoming fists! Omega is diverting, literally, fist after fist!”
EMH: “They don’t call this attack the Fists of Fury for nothing!”

Omega opens a torpedo launcher from his forearm, as Cell takes normal shape.
Omega: “Captain Cell, your angel of death awaits…”
He fires the torpedo at Cell, to which Cell powers up a momentary force-field around him, absorbing it. Cell then leaps up over Omega, pointing his arms at him, and blasting shots of energy at the android.

Omega runs, dodging the shots which each hit the floor, except the last one, which catches up to him and hits Omega in the shoulder.

Omega leaps up with his anti-grav boots and meets Cell in the air. He loads both torpedo launcher from both of his arms and blasts’ pulses into Cell as he comes near. The Captain is knocked back, but slows his momentum down in mid-air.

Cell then speeds back, full force, a side-kick to which Omega grabs and punches Cell in the chest. Omega then spins, and kicks Cell down to the floor. The floor jolts and everyone almost falls.

The Captain slowly gets up, looking at Omega who is hovering above. The floor-spot beneath Cell is cracked and the circuitry there is exposed and broken.
Cell, raises his palm and then clenches it into a fist: “Your soul will be mine!”
He then speeds towards Omega, full force.
Cell: “AAAaahhh!”

Meanwhile, Lieutenant Elly sneaks along Deck 16, having changed her mind. She watches as the Blegerk intruder has opened up a control panel and tapped into the computer systems.
Merg: “Hehehe, yes! I’m in!”
Elly, clenches her fists: “Oh no you don’t…”
She runs out, attacking Merg.
Elly: “Hiiiyyya!”
Merg: “What did you say?”
She runs up to him, and starts punching him in the upper-body. She pulls him around, and kicks him back and away. Merg loses his balance and falls to the floor.
Merg: “Ah! Stop that!”
Elly leaps up into the air, for a drop-kick, but Merg pulls out his Weapon and fires a pulse into Elly. Elly is hit in the shoulder and falls back in mid-air. She goes spinning to the floor in pain.
Merg, gets up, aiming: “Foolish girl! You can’t protect yourself, unarmed! I mean, what were you thinking? Seriously!”
Elly holds her shoulder in pain.
Merg: “…Look, this is really important. Just tell me! How could think that would work?”
Elly: “Huh?”
Merg: “Tell me! I really want to know! Hah! Who does that? Like, for real! Am I seeing this? Am I really seeing this?”
Elly: “Umm… I guess. Are you being sarcastic?”
Merg: “Am I being sarcastic? Does this look like the face of a guy who is being sarcastic? I mean seriously! What were you thinking?”
Elly, shrugs: “I dunno. You’re making me uncomfortable…”

Meanwhile, Omega blasts Cell through the roof of the Battle Arena. They take the fight to the Deck above them, while making sure not to go past the width of the marker-lines below. The EMH and the EMKH are speechless, as they and everyone else below watches in shock.
EMH: “This is unbelievable! I literally have no words to describe what I’m seeing!”
EMKH: “Is it because they have moved to an upper Deck and we can’t actually see them anymore?”
EMH: “That just may be it!”

Cell shapeshifts around Omega, with energy-flowing protoplasm, and launches a million spikes at him. Omega quickly knocks each and every spike out of the way with his arms at incredible speeds. His arms move so fast, that the air around them begins to heat up and cause a flame.

When all the spikes are diverted, Omega then uses that scatter of fire to push it at Cell. The flames clump up and are shot at the Captain. Cell, leans back to dodge it, at the same time as he’s trying to suck all his spikes back into his body.

The flame passes over him and is about to hit the wall, but the computer opens a compartment that sucks the flames in for safety reasons.

Elsewhere on the Phoenix-X, the Blegerk alien continues freaking out in front of Elly.
Merg: “—I mean, who the hell?”
Suddenly, he’s shot in the side, sending him flying into the wall. The phaser blast comes from GoyCho’s TR-23. GoyCho steps out from the darkness.
Elly: “Lieutenant!”
GoyCho: “Are you alright?”
Elly: “I’m fine. I was able to track down the intruder. He’s the same guy who the Captain and others met earlier.”
GoyCho: “But why? I thought you had the Tournament to go to?”
Elly: “Yeah, well I thought I’d go with a change of plans… Maybe hope to prove that hand-to-hand combat is the way to go.”
GoyCho, kneels down to examine her wound: “Heh. Thanks.”
Merg: “Hey! I’m still conscious here!”
GoyCho: “We’ll deal with you soon enough!”
Merg: “Will it be soon?”
GoyCho: “Very!”
Merg: “Because I just want to know a time-frame. An estimation? I think I have a yeast infection. I just want to get it checked out before I have to go anywhere far. My species gets those, you know. It’s not pleasant for the males.”

Cell becomes flowing with omni-energy, blasting currents and pulses at Omega. On the other end, Omega becomes powered up, blasting torpedo pulses back at Cell and blocking with force-fields. They get close, clenching each other’s palm, trying to over-power the other. The walls and ceiling around them starts to rip to pieces under the pressure of their power. It emanates throughout their space.
Cell/Omega: “AAAAAAaaahhhHHHHh!”
Their combined energies suddenly knock them apart. They both hit the floor, in pain, as the energy around them begins to die down.

Cell, breathing hard: “Why don’t...we...just...call it...a…draw.”
Omega, sits up: “That would be acceptable... Android Fighting Skill—Leveled up; Level 34. HP; 6741. MP; 355.”
Cell: “Hey, Omega. I think I know what your HP is, your Health Power. But what is your MP? You don’t exactly have Magic Power.”
Omega, stands: “I will not stand for this intrusion of my privacy. I will go now.”
He walks away, down the hall in android fashion.

Cell shrugs and gets up. He leaps down the hole in the Deck back into the Arena where everyone is. There he’s confronted by a group of exchange-Klingons. They leap and jump-flip into the middle of the Arena, challenging Captain Cell. Some of them have nun-chucks, and take ninja poses.

Amos: “Hiya! We will defeat you, Captain Cell!”
Targon: “Hah! We challenge you to a battle!”
Grath/Kortos: “Hrah!” – “Heeya!” – “Ooooaa!” – “Yah!”
Cell: “What the? You guys aren’t ninjas! You’re Klingon’s!”
Amos: “We have enhanced our abilities to include several Japanese styles!”
Cell, crosses his arms: “Well I only deal in kung-fu, the other style.”
The Klingon’s look at each-other unsure for a moment.
Grath: “Well we have acquired many kung-fu styles aswell!”
Targon, takes a pose: “Targ Style!”
Kortos, takes a pose: “Excalbian Style!”
Amos, takes a pose: “Suliban Style!”
Grath, takes a pose: “Fantome Style!”
Cell nods: “Very well. Let’s see how you all compare to the Tribble Style!”
He takes a pose resembling a fuzzy-ball of fur.

All the Klingon’s break out, attacking Cell. Kortos flips over, kicking Cell in the back multiple times. Cell shapeshifts extra arms, blocking them. Amos is already in front of Cell, jabbing at his head, but Cell ducks back. As he leans back, he twists a low-jump around to counter the incoming attack from Grath. Cell blocks all of Grath’s moves and knocks him away.
EMH: “OOH! And here come the Klingons.”
EMKH: “May they die with honour!”
EMH: “What about the non-Klingons?”
EMKH: “They can go screw themselves!”

Suddenly, Doctor Lox peeks his head into the Commentator’s Booth.

Lox: “Hey, uh, guys, I kind of need a little help in Surgery…”
EMKH: “Screw you!”
Lox, backs away in fear: “Okay you’re caught up in the moment, I’ll leave you be”

Suddenly Targon flips in from above, kicking Cell in the neck. Cell goes flying back into the knee-path of Kortos, who knees Cell in the side. Cell’s direction changes as he spins to the floor. The crowd all around suddenly stop cheering, shocked by what they’re seeing.

Cell, gets up: “Ugh! Looks like Tribble Style isn’t helping… Perhaps it’s time to go to Canine Style.”
He takes a different stance.
Cell: “Let’s see if you can counter this— Archer’s Dog Porthos Attack!”

He jumps into all the Klingons at the same time they’re jumping at him. He kicks and punches in the air at all of them simultaneously, knocking them away. But as they’re each being knocked back in opposite directions, they each quickly grab one of Cell’s limbs with them.

Captain Cell is pulled in all directions until he is torn apart into four. Amos, Kortos, Targon and Grath spin in mid flight towards the marker-lines, and kick the changling liquids’ ahead of them so that the Cell liquids they tore off would pass over the marker lines first.

All four liquids splatter past the crowd and onto the walls of the Battle Arena. The Klingons all land on their feet in perfect balance, watching the Cell protoplasm inch down the walls.
EMH: “Oh my God! In the first time in Tournament history, Captain Cell has been defeated!”
EMKH: “And by Klingons no doubt! Hahahaha! We rule! We’re even better than sliced bread!”

The Captain recombines, and retakes shape.
Cell: “I can’t believe it! You guys beat me!”
Kortos: “We did? –I mean, yes! We had no doubt at any time!”
Amos: “Now that we have defeated you, we can now claim the ship as ours!”
Targon: “If that is true, then I call Captain!”
Grath: “Fool! I would be Captain!”
Amos: “No, me!”
Kortos: “Do not forget I am the aggressive one here!”
Cell: “I guess I do have to give up my Captaincy… But who gets it?
Amos / Targon / Grath / Kortos: “I do, obviously!” – “Me!” – “They are stupid, it was all my tactics!” – “Hiiiyyyaa!”
Cell: “Um… Okay… But, well done guys. I am still… at a shock.”
He leaves, confused and ultimately proud at the strength of his crew.
Kortos: “I’ll kill you!”
He attacks Amos. Targon then attacks Grath, and all is right in the universe again.

GoyCho throws Merg into the Brig and puts up the forcefield.
-Merg: “Ahh!”
GoyCho: “Ha! Let’s see you use your disappearing abilities out of that!”
-Merg: “You mean my transporter device?”
GoyCho: “Yeah.”
-Merg: “Ugh! It won’t work with this yeast infection”
Goyho: “Yuck! Just stop talking about that! Ick! Fine, I’ll just let you go free!”
He drops the forcefield.
Seifer, enters: “What is going on here? Conspiring with the enemy I see!”
He takes out his phaser.
Seifer: “You won’t get away with this, GoyCho!”
GoyCho, takes out his TR-23: “Your phaser doesn’t stand a chance against this!”
Seifer, drops his weapon: “Oh man! You’re probably right.”
Merg: “Wait, wait! I didn’t sneak on board to steal anything. I just wanted to watch the Tournament.”
Seifer: “What chu talking ‘bout, Merg?”
Merg: “Your ship is still in our space. Therefore, any fights that go on here we have to watch! It’s like a thing our species does. I know it’s weird, but so is the fact we get Yea”
GoyCho: “Uugh! Just please don’t say it!”
Seifer: “What? What was he going to say? I want to hear.”
Merg: “I said, Yeas—”
GoyCho: “No don’t! It’s so disgusting!”
Merg just shrugs his shoulders.
Seifer: “Oh well. In any case, I suppose we can allow you into the audience. The Tournament is almost over anyway.”
GoyCho: “Wait a minute. Is Lieutenant Elly fighting?”
Seifer: “Yeah! Unlike me… who got kicked out…”
He clenches his fist in anger.
Seifer: “I will have my revenge…”
GoyCho: "But nice haircut, though."
Seifer: "Thanks."
All three of them notice they have to be somewhere else at the moment and run out the Brig.

Meanwhile, Cell stands in the Briefing Room of the Phoenix-X, looking out the window to the stars. Suddenly, RaeLuna enters.
RaeLuna: “Captain.”
Cell: “Oh, RaeLuna. You missed some interesting battles.”
RaeLuna: “Although I am a fighter at heart, I was hoping for the values of the Federation to be practiced in these circumstances.”
Cell: “I see. You must hate us for all this…”
RaeLuna: “Yes! But also, no.”
Cell: “I see… Wait. No, I don’t.”
RaeLuna: “To explain, I was impressed by your decision to discontinue fighting Omega.”
Cell: “Hah! We would have torn the ship apart.”
RaeLuna: “Either way, you chose to stop fighting; and that is the first step to choosing to stop fighting.”
Cell: “Actually, that’s the only step.”
RaeLuna: “Either way, I am impressed. I was glad to see the values of the Federation shining through in you, Captain. I needed that.”
Cell, nods: “Right!”

They both leave the Briefing Room to the Bridge. There, they are confronted by Seifer and Kugo.
Kugo: “There he is!”
Seifer: “Captain! I have approached you in challenge for your position. You have dishonoured Lieutenant Commander Kugo and I when you took over the Battle Arena!”
Kugo, loads her TR-23: “We have new weapons too!”
Cell: “Oh! You’re angry, I see ….Uhhh… You can’t challenge my position because… Uhh, the Klingon’s took it! Yeah!”
He looks around.
Cell: “—And… he’s in my chair!”
The Commander approaches Ensign Dan and aims his weapon at him.
Seifer: “So you’re the new Captain, eh? Well you’ve been relieved!”
Ensign Dan, waves his hand as he’s trying to sleep: “Neeeerrhhhh!”
Seifer, pokes him with the rifle: “I said, you’re relieved!”
Ensign Dan: “Nnnnneeehh!”
Everyone just looks at them, confused.

GoyCho runs into the Battle Arena just in time to see Elly kicking Borishnikov past the marker-line. The crowd cheers in excitement.
Amp, in the Booth: “And there you have it folks! The winner of the Iron Fist Tournament!”
Lox: “And it definitely has been a tough Tournament. What luck that Elly just made the first rounds and then won in the final rounds in barely no time at all.”
Amp: “She’s just that good. Let’s open up some final fan commentaries here… And Jimmy from Engineering asks; ‘I loved the Tournament, but what ever happened to the EMH and the EMKH?’ Ha! What a bright young fellow.”
Lox: “Well, Jimmy, the EMH and EMKH had a little surgery to attend to in Sickbay. They’ve been properly relocated for the remainder of the Tournament Wrap Up.”
Amp, checks the console: “Oh! Looks like we’ve got another message coming through…. And it looks like it’s from Jimmy again!”
He reads it.
Amp: “Jimmy writes; ‘If they’re doing the surgery, why aren’t you there? You are the actual Doctor!’.”
Lox: “Who the hell does Jimmy think he...? Alright, this Wrap Up is over!”
He shuts down the Booth and stomps out.

The crowd continues cheering for Elly’s win. After making her way to the top, she has become the Iron Fist Tournament Champion. Being pulled for attention by so many people, she makes her way around meeting up with GoyCho.
GoyCho: “Well, looks like you did it. Congratulations.”
Elly: “Thanks. You weren’t so bad yourself back there.”
GoyCho: “I guess weapons and hand-to-hand each have their own venues.”
Elly: “Not to mention the Phaser Tournament coming up.”
GoyCho: “The what?”
Elly: “Captain Cell’s already cleared it. It starts next month! You’d better get practice on that aim, there.”
She smiles and continues walking out the Battle Arena with the rest of the crowd who keep trying for her attention. GoyCho remains there, stunned. He smiles and shakes his head. Turning around, he leaves for the other doors, hoping the Phoenix-X will just get back to seeking out new life and new civilizations.