Star Trek: Phoenix-X
The Prometheus-looking, Multi-Vector class, U.S.S. Phoenix-X drifts through space. Captain Cell sits in his Ready Room, staring out through his window.
Cell: sigh... "Why does my ship even exist? Having that X at the end makes no sense at all."
Seifer: "Doesn't it, sir? I think it confuses our enemies at the most crucial times. Are we the 24th Phoenix? Or are we just obsessed with the letter X? It gives our enemies hesitation before they try to fire on us!"
Cell: "Alright, you're not sitting in on my window-ponderings anymore. Get out!"
Seifer: "But, but--?"
Seifer: "Captain, at least come to the Halloween Special tonight. The crew misses you."
Cell: "Ugh! Tell those latch-clinging Austrailian drop-bears to go hug a plasma conduit."
Seifer: "Aye, sir."
The Commander leaves the Ready Room and re-enters the Bridge.
Armond: "Any luck getting him to come?"
Seifer: "No, Lieutenant Commander. He wouldn't go for it. What the heck is a Halloween Special anyway? For that matter, what the hell is Halloween in the first place??"
Armond: "I suppose you Trill never had something like it on your homeworld. On Earth, we once celebrated evil and horror. According to history, people would mutate into horrible creatures on Halloween, going door-to-door, killing those who would not service thier malnourishment."
Seifer: "But wouldn't those behind those doors also require nurishment?"
Armond: "Which is exactly why the entire holiday was a blood-bath. It would all end with the dead rising, whom the mutated-Humans would eventually feed off of. It's all in the Federation database. Though... I'm not sure how accurate it is, considering how many times the Federation database has been accidentally deleted and re-written. Puh! You can't get good computer technicians on Earth nowadays. Everyone wants to be in Starships."
Red: "That might explain why the tradition of Starship travel has been going on in the same way for four Centuries. It's even fated to go on even in the 29th Centruy, you know, thanks to Voyager's Doctor telling everyone all about those timeships and what-not."
Armond: "He really can't keep his mouth shut. Anyway, us Humans weren't the only ones with mutation problems. You Klingons had that forehead thing."
Red: "Enough! We do not speak of it to outsiders."
Armond: "Why not?"
Red: "There was some human named Captain Archet... or Archer or something who was involved. It was a time in history all would like to forget."
Seifer: "Oh him. Yeah, I guess can agree to that. But you still haven't answered my Halloween Special question?"
Armond: "The Specials were usually episodes of certain TV shows, or specially made movies that were directly devoted to the spirit of Halloween. Tonight, we will be partaking in the Charlie Brown Remake Holodeck Halloween Special. CBRHHS for short."
Seifer: "That sounds stupid."
Armond: "But sir, remakes are the best thing in the universe! They're right up there with prequels."
Seifer: "Oh yeah? Do they equate with sequels or spin-offs?"
Armond: "Well... no. But at least it isn't a parody."
Seifer: "I guess you're right. Let's go."
Later, the senior staff, excluding the Captain, meet in Holodeck 13.
GoyCho: "Why is there a Holodeck 13? We don't even have 13 Holodecks on the Phoenix-X!"
Ensign Dan: "I renamed if from being Holodeck 2 for that spooOOOooOOooky effect. Heh, heh."
GoyCho: "That's annoying. You're relieved of duty."
Ensign Dan: "What?? We're not even on duty. This is leisure time, you idiot!"
Seifer: "You heard the Lieutenant! Now go."
Ensign Dan, leaves: "GGggggghhhh. Stupid GoyCho and his stupid lack of Halloween spirit."
Kugo: "Nice one, GoyCho."
GoyCho: "Thanks. It's a Human trait. How about you and I meet in my Quarters after this where I can show you what I know about your Romulan traits? Heh, heh."
Kugo slaps GoyCho across the face in anger!
GoyCho: "Hah! That didn't hurt. Holodeck safties."
Elly: "Alright everyone. Let's get on with this. GoyCho, our weapons specialist gets to be Charlie Brown, Commander Seifer is Linus, Kugo is Lucy, Doctor Lox is PigPen, Red is Woodstock, and Armond is Snoopy."
Lox: "Why does Armond get to be Snoopy? I want to be Snoopy!"
Elly: "Hey wait. If you're here, then who's in Sickbay running things?"
Lox: "Oh I have the EMH doing all that. By the way, your Orion-slave girl physiology makes you the perfect Sally."
Elly: "Why thank you. But flattering me doesn't get you Snoopy."
Lox: "Augh! Whatever. Computer, begin program."
The scene changes to that of the Pumpkin Patch.
Seifer: "The - pumpkin - demon - is - coming - to - eat - us - all."
GoyCho: "Good grief, the human-equivilant-sentient dog, Snoopy is dressed like a Nazi."
Seifer: "Cut! I have a problem with this script. The dialogue is so horrible and old-timey!"
Armond: "That is howeth they spoketh backeth theneth."
Lox: "Maybe it's your choppy acting, Commander!"
Lox: "What now, Elly? If you're the ship's Security Guard, then you're not supposed to scream in horror."
Elly: "I'm off duty. And I'm screaming at that!"
She points to GoyCho, who is on the ground, weak and in-pain. He clenches his stomach. Everyone immediately comes to his aid.
Seifer: "Doctor! What's wrong with him!?"
Lox, checks: "It.. can't... be... One of his lungs is missing!"
Armond: "But how?? We're the only ones in here."
Seifer: "Computer end program."
#Computer: "Unable to comply."
Seifer: "Seifer to the Bridge, shut down power to the Holodeck."
#Amp: "It's not working, sir. Someone renamed the Holodeck and it's messed up the whole system!"
Seifer: "Damn! Alright everyone. This game is over. Let's go."
Kugo: "What do I do with this football then? Oh forget it. It is being added to my special-alien-encounter collection. Everyone has such a collection. It is time I started mine."
They all leave the Holodeck. Later, GoyCho is in Sickbay, where both Lox and the EMH work on saving him. Captain Cell walks over.
Cell: "Is he going to be alright?"
Lox: "Yes. We've replaced his organ with a holographic one for now."
EMH: "But didn't Voyager do that once?"
Lox: "They did? Crap! We don't want to have anything to do with them. We must replace his holographic lung with an empty bio-neural gel pack."
Cell: "You have to find out how this happened, Doctor."
Lox: "No way! I'm still on my leisure time. Let the EMH figure that out."
He walks away.
Cell: "Stupid crew! It's no wonder I set that Nausicaan assassin loose on them that one time. --Captain Cell to Seifer! Make sure you figure out how to shut that holodeck down. The crew has reported that the 'pumpkin patch' has grown out into the hallways, and now anyone who walks by can't stop making pumpkin pies out of them."
#Seifer: "It's so much better than the replicated kind, though."
Cell: "I don't care! Integrating holoprograms with real life has always turned out corny! Look at Voyager's Fairhaven, and Deep Space 9's Las Vegas Lounge! Besides, I'm a Changeling. I don't eat."
#Seifer: "Why did Starfleet let a Changeling be Captain of his own starship anyway?"
Cell: "Let's just say there was a shortage of clowns at the Admiral's childrens' parties."
#Seifer: "Uhh forget I asked."
The Commander taps his commbadge off and turns to sit at his desk in his Quarters. He's about to start eating his pumpkin pie before doing what was asked, when suddenly the lights flicker off.
Seifer: "What the!? Commander to Bridge.... Commander to anyone?? Come in!"
All of a sudden, a shadowy figure from behind knocks him out and thrusts his hands into his chest. The doorbell then rings and in walks Ensign Dan.
Ensign Dan: "Hey Commander. I've come with a pumpkin pie as a piece offering to let me back on duty. I bet you haven't had--- what the!?!?"
He sees the shadowy figure transport out of there, and that Seifer is on the ground.
Ensign Dan: "Commander! Are you okay!?"
Seifer: "Ugghh... my Trill Symbiont... gone... ugghhh..."
Ensign Dan: "We have to fill that space up with this pie before it's too late!"
Seifer: "Wait! ...My pie... on... the... table... has... already been... cut into... triangles... uggh."
Ensign Dan: "Oh man! You mean I made this pie for nothing? Dammit! Why all this horror? And on the Earth month of Ramadan too."
Seifer: "It's... Halloween... ugghh."
Ensign Dan: "Hallowhat?"
Later in Sickbay, the Doctor has both Seifer and GoyCho in biobeds.
Lox: "That's two down. What are the odds that there'll be more? I mean, it's got to be huge odds."
Cell: "The perpetrator is still on the loose!"
Lox: "So maybe he'll call it quits?"
Cell: "Uggghh. Did that assassin not kill you last time?"
Kugo: "We gave him a map that leads him to the really lower decks. He's been lost down there for months."
Cell: "Whatever! Armond, why the hell aren't scans picking this intruder up?"
Armond: "Sensors show that everyone on board is accounted for. Even that Giant Floating Head on Deck 6 is still here."
Kugo: "Should we go to him for advice?"
Armond: "Too late. I already used up our one-time advisory ticket on my marital advice. He said I should surprise my wife with flowers. But how?? From behind my back? Behind my back????"
Kugo: "Great! Now he's just a useless Floating Head."
Cell: "Enough of this! You're the crew, and should be able to figure this out yourselves! I almost am glad that this intruder is doing this to you. You all deserve it!"
He storms out of there.
Armond: "Man. He obviously woke up on the wrong side of the bucket this morning."
Kugo: "No, he sleeps in a wine glass. He says he doesn't like being compared to that Odo guy. Or, as he calls him, 'Mr. O-Emotional-Problems-do.'
Armond: "Good play-on words, I guess."
Meanwhile, on Deck 6, the Floating head is unexpectedly attacked by the shadowy figure! OOooooOOoooOooo foreshadowing...
Later, the Bridge shows an onscreen view of Sickbay, which is packed with people with missing organs. The shadow figure has already hit over half the crew of the Phoenix-X, taking different and random organs.
Red: "Holy Gre'Thor! There is obviously a killer on the lose."
Armond: "No one's been killed."
They look on screen, which then suddenly shows an Ensign Cene, dying from lack of an Abdullah Oblongata. The computer lets out a long dead beep sound.
>Lox: "Noooo! Bio-neural gel packs have become useless?? Impossible!"
They watch the viewscreen which shows Lox crying over Cene's body.
Armond: "Who the hell is doing this? They keep turning off the lights throughout the ship! Do you know how annoying it is to go through all the decks and flick on all the light-swtiches?"
Kugo: "Why don't you just tell the computer to turn on the lights?"
Armond: "Oh can we do nothing for ourselves anymore? I hate this Century!"
Red: "Fools! You fight, but you do not wisen up. It is obvious who is doing all this."
Armond: "You mean you? I knew it! You Klingon scum! This Exchange Program is a joke!"
BOB: "Hey, I'm a Ferengi on exchange here..."
Armond: "Oh no, you're cool, BOB."
Red: "Ugggh. Why would I accuse myself? I was talking about the Captain! He's been harbouring this hate for us for a long time now. He is the obvious killer!"
Kugo: "But only one person has died."
Red: "Must we constantly correct one another? That is the most annoying charactaristic in today's social gatherings!"
Kugo: "Alright, alright. I guess you do have a point, Red. But the Captain?? He's our Captain! Hence the title he was given... which was Captain!"
Ensign Dan: "And he's a Changeling! Don't forget that. You should have known from the very begginning that you couldn't trust him. He'll kill us all. Kill us all!!"
Armond: "Weren't you relieved of duty?"
Ensign Dan: "I'm a Bajoran. I don't do what anyone tells me! Well, except Cardassians."
Kugo: "We should make a note to do a Cardassian exchange program."
Armond, writing it down: "Gotcha."
All of a sudden, a Lieutenant Slekeva walks onto the Bridge, but is attacked by the shadowy figure in plain sight! The figure instead jabs his hands into Slekva's chest and pulls out Slekeva's spleen! The Lieutenant immediately dies in a spillage of blood and broken bones!
Kugo: "Oh crap!!"
They run over, but the shadowy figure has run off.
Armond: "He's resorted to killing! We should have never pointed that fact out earlier!"
Red: "None of us are safe anymore."
Armond: "Stop pointing out additional facts!"
Red: "I can't help myself. I am a Klingon."
Armond: "You're thinking of Vulcan!"
Red: "Today's Klingon is not unlike the Vulcans. Look at Worf for example. When around Martok, he is pure calm Vulcaness. They are a good character balance when together."
Armond: "Really? I never thought of it like that. Hey Lox, what do you think of Klingons being more like Vulcans nowada---"
He turns to the viewscreen which shows Sickbay, but suddenly sees that Lox is attacked by the shadowy figure.
Ensign Dan: "Man, that Shadow Figure really gets around fast. Oh my Prophet... we're all gonna die!!!!!!"
Ensign Dan: "Wait! What if this killer is a Pah'Wraith on the loose that needs a starship! That would explain everything!"
Armond: "We encountered the Pah'Wraith last week, remember? It kept killing random crew members until we saved the ship by devoting our lives and religions to the Pah'Wraith?"
Ensign Dan: "Oh yeah. Then it is the Captain!"
Cell, enters: "What's going on here?"
Ensign Dan: "Captain! We know who the killer is. It's yo---- err, I mean, we don't think it's anyone."
Cell: "Is this true? You guys think it's me?"
Kugo: "Well you did tell that crazy monkey to eat Ensign Dan's head that one time..."
Cell: "Yeah, but it's Ensign Dan! It's obvious when you get a crazy monkey that you tell it to eat Ensign Dan's head! You agreed with me! Alright fine... You guys think it's me? I now see that my crew is not only unable to handle the situation, but they are also jerks. I'll stop this killer myself. That is... if he doesn't kill who's left."
Cell then leaves the Bridge.
Kugo: "He does have a point. That is what you're supposed to do when you have a crazy monkey."
Red: "You want to side with him? Go ahead. Armond and I will create one of those Changeling-inhibiters to stop him before he strikes again."
Armond: "It'll probably take a few hours to make that thing."
Red: "Then it'll stop him after he strikes again... like eight or nine deaths later. But at least it will get created."
Armond: "What about that flesh eating virus on Deck 13? That's another death problem of ours."
Red: "We cannot fix every little thing at once, Armond."
Armond: "Good point."
They both leave the Bridge aswell.
Kugo: "Alright. It's now up to you and me to find out who this killer really is."
Ensign Dan: "You mean, you and me will work as a team? Yes! OMGKUGO!!!111@2 OMGOMGOMGOM!!!@211"
Kugo: "Umm on second thought..."
She quickly karate chops him in the shoulder, knocking him unconscious.
Kugo: "Now to get to work. I'm sure this corpse will be fine here."
She then accidently slips in Slekeva's blood, hitting the floor and knocking herself unconscious.
Gewdeque: "Hey guys, what are you doing here?"
Red and Armond sit in Engineering, putting together the device.
Armond: "We're putting a stop to the Captain before he strikes again!"
Gewdeque: "Can I help?"
Red: "We're already a Human and a Klingon working together. We can't have another Human, for that will just be unbalanced."
Gewdeque: "Fine! I'll just go over there and twidle my thumbs!"
She stomps over to a shadowed corner, making clear her location in the room from all the stomping, and stands there. All of a sudden, a bat'leth spike is stabbed through her shoulder. Blood drips onto the floor, as she falls unconcsious.
Armond: "Oh no! Gewdeque!"
Red: "Hurry, get this thing online!"
Armond: "But we just started putting it together. It's been like two minutes, when we predicted it would take a few hours! Probably five."
The shadowy figure stands there, looking at both Armond and Red.
Red: "Arrggh. You will pay for this, Captain!"
Cell: "Hey guys. I guess I was a bit hard on you earlie--- oh my Founder!"
Both Red and Armond turn around to see the Captain standing behind them. They look back to the shadow figure to confirm the truth of this revalation!
Cell: "There's the killer! Someone kill him! Or at least badly injure him so that we can later pull his mask off and find he is groundskeeper Boothby, saying, 'I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!'"
The shadowy figure pulls off a coil from the Warp core and throws it across the room at Cell. The coil electrocutes Cell, until Cell splashes all over the floor as a liquid! Red and Armond go after the shadowy figure, but the electrocution rides up the control panels and knocks the computers and lights out in Engineering.
Armond: "Red! I can't see!"
Red: "Yuck. I think I stepped in some of the Captain."
Armond: "Where the heck is your Klingon rage?? Use that to get the killer!"
Red: "Very well. But if that doesn't work, you must use your Human diplomatic skills. We all have to cater to our racial abilities, I suppose."
Red: "Now where is my bat'leth... wait. He has my bat'leth! Arrggghhh!!! I can't have any rage without it!??"
Suddenly, there's a slash sound, as they can hear that Red is stabbed with the bat'leth!
Armond: "Red! Noooooooo!!"
Lieutenant Commander Armond runs out of Engineering and out into the corridors. He finds that they are dark aswell.
Armond: "Computer! How many more people are still moving around on this ship??"
#Computer: "There are three active officer's aboard the Phoenix-X. The rest have been incapatictated."
Armond: "Just so I don't feel alone, can you be counted as a fourth officer?"
#Computer: "Negative. You are on your own, you foolish yellow-shirt."
Armond: "Dammit! Who ever said switching red-shirts to yellow-shirts in the 24th Century would make death more escapable! It must've been a blue-shirt guy! I hate them!"
He can hear the shadowy-figure behind him, with squishing sounds of compressed organs, chasing him. The bat'leth is thrown at Armond, but only cuts part of Armond's leg.
Armond: "Augh!! Now I can't run fast! That is such bad thing to happen at this point in time! Talk about luck!"
He then stumbles upon the pumpkin-patch, which has grown into 3 other Decks by now. It's unstoppable aswell!!!! Elly is also in the pumpkin-patch, having fallen into it.
Armond: "Elly! You're the other person who's still out and about??"
Elly: "I tripped on this pumpkin-patch trying to get to that Floating Head for advice."
Armond: "Oh, um... heh. Don't worry about him anymore."
Elly: "Oh crap, it's the killer!"
She points as the shadowy-figure tackles Armond and grabs down his throat to get another vital organ!
Armond: "AAauuuggghhh!! He's taking our organ's, not unlike a certain ancient Earth cartoon episode I used to watch, called---"
Armond then falls unconcsious.
Elly: "Armond, no! You still owe me five bucks!"
The shadowy-figure then places Armond's stomach against his chest, phasing it through his own body and into it. The shadowy-figure looks over at Elly, eyeing her, as she's the last one left.
Elly: "This is all cartoon's fault! I hate cartoons or anything that has to do with drawing!"
Sitting within the pumpkin-patch, she begins to throw pumpkin after pumpkin at the shadowy-figure.
Elly: "Who are you!?!?! Who are you!?!?!?!?!!?"
She turns to run, but the shadowy-figure-- covered in shadow, mind you-- leaps and grabs her leg. She struggles to get free, but can't.
Elly: "Please no!!!! Nooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Crying in tears of fear, she struggles more and more.
Elly: "Pumpkins... everywhere! Computer, deactivate holo-emitters in this hallway!"
Suddenly, the pumpkins disappear, and the shadowy-figure disappears. But all the organs flop onto the floor.
Elly: "Huh? The... the... killer wasn't real? He was a hologram?"
She gets up, rubbing her sore elbow.
Elly: "Computer, reactivate holo-emitters."
The pumpkin-patch re-appears as with the shadowy-figure.
Elly: "Please no!!!!! AAAAaaaahhhh!!!"
EMH: "Hey wait, where are my organs?"
The shadowy-figure flicks the light switch on, revealing that he is actually the EMH. He finds all the organs on the floor.
EMH: "Oh great! They're all dirty now!"
Elly: "You... you... it was you all along???"
EMH: "Well you guys kept me on the Phoenix-X, active, for so long. I'm the same model as Voyager's EMH! Of course I was going to go crazy over time, wanting everyone's organs in an effort to be more like the crew - organic. Of course I was! Voyager's EMH is probably doing the same thing right now."
Elly: "You're in big trouble, mister."
She goes over to a wall-control panel and deactivates the EMH's redundant-crazy algorhythms.
EMH: "Whoa, I just felt a rush in my head. Like a drug feeling of some sort."
Elly: "That'll be the last good feeling you're going to get. Now get these organs back into the people you took them from."
EMH: "Alright, alright. Don't get all Oriony and stuff. Oh, and I had more hair than this!"
He checks his head.
EMH: "Oh wait, nevermind."
Later, the EMH is in Sickbay, bringing everyone back to heath, including Doctor Lox, who assists in sticking organs back into people and mending them. Cell retakes shape and enters Sickbay with Elly.
Cell: "Are you alright, Commander?"
Seifer: "I believe so, Captain. So it was the EMH all this time, huh?"
Elly: "Who would have thought a hologram would go mad and try to harm the crew?"
Seifer: "Didn't Voyager once encount---"
Cell: "That's enough of the Voyager references. I've had quite enough for today."
Seifer: "You're right sir. I suppose in an effort to be nothing like Voyager, it turned out the EMH was everything like Voyager. Ah well. There's another ship I wanted to start ripping on anyway."
Elly: "What ship?"
Seifer: "An ancient Earth ship, the first starship to explore space... It was NX-something or other... maybe Akira."
Cell: "Are you planning on continuing that Halloween Special?"
Seifer: "Yeah, but I think we're going to go with one of those German takes on Nosferatu."
Cell: "Hey, count me in this time."
Seifer: "Really sir? Okay then."
Lieutenant Elly walks over to Armond and Red, who are just recovering from thier organ replacing.
Elly: "Well, I suppose now we'll all have a little more respect for our internal organs."
Armond: "I for one, will. Stomach, you're getting the hot-pepper treatment tonight."
Red: "But one thing alludes me. What about all those people that died?"
Elly: "They'll be remembered. More important is the fact that none of the main characters died. None."
Kugo, walks over: "Elly's right. Now we can continue to have adventures."
Armond: "Where did you come from? You were supposed to find out who the killer was."
Kugo: "I uhh... didn't bump my head if that's what you're thinking. You're a liar!!!! Evil! Hissssss!"
She then stops.
Kugo: "Wait. What is that mutation on your forehead, Armond?"
He feels his head, finding an extra eye there.
Armond: "What the!?!?"
Red feels his side, finding a third arm sticking out.
Elly: "Oh my gosh!"
Lox: "I'll field in an explaination. You see, the EMH went on a crazy rampage before I was able to. I intended on bringing back those Halloween mutations Armond talked about in the beginning. You know, how they were part of Earth Halloween custom back in the 21st Century? Well now that everyone has gathered in Sickbay, in need of medical attention, it has saved me the effort in going around anonymously, implementing the mutations. Don't worry, as soon as this holiday is over, they'll go away. That is, until next year... HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAH!!!!!!!!"
Elly: "I'm going to get a coffee. Anyone want one?"
Armond: "Yeah, I guess I'll get one."
Elly: "Sure thing."
Lox: "Until next year! AAAHahahahAHAHAhhAHAHAhaHhahahahahAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!"