Star Trek: Phoenix-X
The computer acknowledges the Battle Arena, igniting the marker-laser that goes around in a circle to define two opponents’ combat limits.
Amp: “Are you sure you want to do this?”
Omega: “I am an Android. Being sure is not in my programming.”
Amp: “Maybe nothing’s in your programming.”
Lieutenant Amp steps into the Arena, facing a hologram of Omega. Meanwhile, the real Omega stands off to the side, deactivated under shadows.
Amp: “Now, I know you’ve fought in this Battle Area before-- with the Captain. But that was only because he was your perfect match. Your creator made you as the ultimate Combat Android... one capable of killing a man five-hundred times before hitting the ground.”
Omega: “That is me. - On one occasion I was able to incinerate a man’s vapourized bio-residue before it hit the ground.”
Amp: “Exactly my point. So to level the playing field between you and me, I’ve manifested you as a hologram. Because, you see, I am a Hologram too.”
Omega: “I did not know that.”
Amp: “We’ve known each other for almost two years now.”
Omega: “Your name is... Amp?”
Amp: “Let’s just do this. Oh, and I don’t want any holding back.”
The Combat Android takes a stance.
Omega: “Then you won’t get any-- pathetic Hologram!!”
Amp: “Hey, no emotional attacks!”
Omega suddenly runs at him to strike. As the two start going at it, countering fist after wrist after kick after block, the Phoenix-X treks through space. Commander Seifer has the Bridge.
Seifer: “Everyone! I am possessed by an alien! Don’t move!”
The crew on the Bridge suddenly stop in shock.
Seifer: “Just kidding! Hahahahaha! You guys have fallen for that two times this week! Hahahahahaha!”
RaeLuna: “Foolish humanoid. I have vowed to kill you if you ever did that again, and now it is time.”
She steps around her Tactical Console to the lower part of the Bridge, and takes out a knife from the side of her boot. Just then, the Captain enters the Bridge.
Cell: “Hey guys. What’s going on today?”
She quickly returns to her position.
Cell: “Seifer, how’s it going? You look pale and sort of sweaty.”
Seifer: “It’s, uhh, the pressure of Commandering.”
Cell: “Well to add to that pressure, the Phoenix-X is supposed to be meeting with the Caterina here.”
Seifer: “You mean that Romulan Starship annoyance? I’m still upset at the time they destroyed Starfleet Headquarters from orbit!”
Cell: “Seifer that was in another timeline.”
Seifer: “Oh well in that case, bring on the Romulan Ale!”
Later, the Romulan Warbird Caterina rendezvous’ with the Phoenix-X. Their Captain and Commander meet with the Senoir Staff in the Phoenix-X’s Briefing Room.
Tressa: “Let me be the first to say, it’s a pleasure to be working with you.”
Cell: “Thank you, Captain. Hopefully that will be the last time you say that?”
Tressa: “Yes! Oh hell. You people are incredibly irritating!”
Seifer: “Watch it, Captain Tressa. Your people from the Tal Shiar contacted our people with Section 31 for this meeting. If we don’t please them, then who will we please? --Our respective Governments?? I don’t think so.”
Tressa: “But I dislike you guys so much!”
Amp: “Hey, us Starfleet kind aren’t so bad.”
Tressa: “I don’t mean you as an organization, I mean you the Phoenix-X personally! Remember the last time we worked together?? Your enemies stowed-away on my ship, just to get near you!”
Kugo: “The power-conversion system you gave us was pointless! We never use it anyway!”
Cell: “Ha! What my Chief Engineer meant to say, was that we never confuse it... you know, with the power-diversion system. They’re that similar.”
Tressa: “How do you like working with these Humans, Kugo? Why don’t you join your own people, the Romulans, back on my vessel?”
Kugo: “I’ll pass.”
Tressa: “Really? I mean, it would be a lot of fun. We could have cookies and stay up all night talking about boys and nails!”
Cell: “Uhh... Before this turns any scarier, let’s get down to business.”
Tressa: “Trying to ruin my fun, huh Captain? Very well then.”
She takes out a padd with data on it.
Tressa: “These are the specs you gave me on the J-3 Torpedo.”
Cell: “Yes, our weapons expert Lieutenant GoyCho has been developing it for the past seven years.”
GoyCho: “There wasn’t much else to do.”
Tressa: “The Tal’Shiar want us to test it, along with the Phoenix-X. I know of an Asteroid Field we could go.”
Cell: “You mean the Asteroid Field where we first met??”
Tressa: “Well, it’s the closest one... and the only one I know.”
Cell: “That’s two times you’ve brought up the past! If you reconnect us to previous encounters one more time, I’m going to stab a fork into the memory section of your brain!”
LOG - Amp: “Helm Officer’s Log, Stardate 59699-point-9. My attempt to provide myself with quality leisure time has neither failed nor succeeded. After the fight with Omega, I felt somewhat conflicted. He seemed to understand the battle was over, but in a way not. The look in his Android eyes seemed to communicate the evilness within him. Ever since then, I’ve felt a heavy weight on my program... like some kind of counter-virus trying to do battle with it. Oh yeah, this Log like most of mine has nothing to do with Helming. End Log.”
The Lieutenant sits at the Bridge of the Phoenix-X, flying the ship into the Asteroid Field with the Caterina.
Seifer: “Now entering Zi-Ola Fields.”
Cell: “This area had a name? I always just thought of it as the place we encountered Casio.”
Seifer: “Oh yeah. You’d be surprised at how many places in space have names.”
#Tressa: “Caterina to Phoenix-X. We’ve installed the J-3 Torpedoes you’ve provided us with.”
GoyCho: “Captain Tressa, be sure to adjust the launching frequency of the Torpedo. Don’t forget these were based on Jem’Hadar Experiment Design.”
#Tressa: “Done. You may also note, the extra sense of suspicion we Romulans added to the Torpedo.”
Cell: “That should help, I guess. It’s a good thing we got these Torpedoes off the Jem’Hadar before they could have started using it during the Dominion Wars.”
#Tressa: “Too bad the Wars are over now. If you had made them work back then, perhaps things could have turned out different. You could be dead right now!”
Cell: “Yeah, the Phoenix-X may have gotten involved a little more. Oh well. At least Risa got a good percentage of our business.”
#Tressa: “I always hated that the Federation had a vacation planet; while Romulus just had Remus. I’m going to attempt firing the Torpedo now! My anger has reached a torpedo-firing point.”
Cell: “Acknowledged. We’re sending you the co-ordinates of Asteroid 892-Beta. Fire when ready... or when your anger peaks.”
The Caterina blasts an orange and green flowing torpedo out into space. It hits an Asteroid dead on, causing its molecules to illuminate up. The whole asteroid glows under immense pressure, shining rays of light out from it. In less than a second the Asteroid explodes, shooting debris out from its source, accompanied by a small shockwave.
Seifer: “Oh crap. I missed it. Sorry guys, I was making the popcorn. Can we do it again?”
Cell: “Ugggh. It’s our turn anyway.”
#Tressa: “That looked like a complete success.”
Seifer: “Well it’s our own brand of Instant-Popcorn. You should try it.”
#Tressa: “I meant the Torpedo!”
Cell: “Now my anger has reached a torpedo-firing point. --RaeLuna! Lock on to Asteroid 846-Beta and fire a J-3 Torpedo at it.”
She locks on and presses fire. But nothing happens.
RaeLuna: “Sir, I’m getting an error message. The Torpedo Tubes seem to be de-calibrated for some reason.”
Cell: “That’s odd. Reset them and try again.”
RaeLuna: “How labouring.”
She taps at the panels.
RaeLuna: “No luck. The J-3 Torpedo isn’t aligned either.”
GoyCho: “That’s impossible! I set it up myself. I even had help from the midgets from Deck Half!”
Cell: “Damn! The Pakled’s said those midgets were useful. How long until we can fix this?”
GoyCho: “A few hours, I suppose. Two at the least... half of that with the midget’s help.”
Cell: “Get to work. --Phoenix-X to the Caterina. We’ve run into a few problems here. We’re going to need a few hours to re-align the J-3 Torpedoes.”
#Tressa: “Midgets again?”
Cell: “How’d you know?”
#Tressa: “We have encountered the Pakled’s aswell. Their deals are more dumber than their facial expressions. Caterina out.”
The screen clicks off and the crew of the Phoenix-X get to work in the Torpedo Bay. Kugo and GoyCho tap at console’s quickly to get the ammunition online.
GoyCho: “I think I’ve got it almost online.”
Kugo: “Did you see the way that bothersome Captain spoke to me? Like I’m into those little-girl things.”
GoyCho: “Are you watching the flow-regulation device?”
Kugo: “Yes. A lot better than Captain Tressa was watching her socialization skills. She needs to learn to grow up!”
#Computer: “Flow-regulation at 36-percent.”
GoyCho: “Umm. That needs to be at at least 98-percent.”
Kugo: “And the nerve of her, to think I’m better off on her ship! Just because I’m Romulan? How stupid!”
#Computer: “Flow-regulation at 2-percent. Explosion immanent. Romulan proximity may ignite torpedo sooner.”
He immediately runs over and fixes it.
#Computer: “Flow-regulation at 98-percent.”
GoyCho: “Phew. Now if only we could make the computer keep it there instead of a person pressing the button every five minutes.”
Kugo: “Are you even listening to me??”
GoyCho: “I’m sorry, but we’ve got more important things here! Like this Torpedo Frequency.”
Kugo: “Fine! We’ll do work. But when Tressa comes asking to sleep with you, don’t come complaining to me.”
GoyCho: “Are you kidding me? I sleep with almost every girl on this ship, and it has to come back to me like this?”
Kugo: “Just watch the Frequency. It has to be at 239 to work on the Phoenix-X.”
GoyCho: “It seems to be stuck at 47.”
Kugo: “Can’t you change it?”
GoyCho: “No. I don’t know why either!”
Kugo: “Maybe if you didn’t sleep around with everyone, it wouldn’t be like that!”
GoyCho: “What?? Wait a minute. Are you trying to pick me up?”
Kugo’s plan suddenly is revealed, so she runs away in a hurry.
Commander Seifer enters the Captain’s Ready Room.
Seifer: “Bad news, sir. The Torpedo isn’t coming online.”
Cell: “You came in here without ringing the door-bell just for that??”
Seifer: “I thought we were good enough friends by now not to warrant that.”
Cell: “It’s called common-courtesy.”
Seifer: “Well then I guess we just come from two different places.”
Cell: “I’ve been thinking about this Torpedo frequency thing. Maybe we should just attempt to fire it at the frequency it appears to be stuck at.”
Seifer: “Hey if you want to destroy the Phoenix-X, that’s your call. Although, I’ve made that call myself many times before.”
Just then, the Captain’s laptop beeps.
Cell: “Oh, there we go. I’ve been trying to hail Starbase 55 for the past hour to talk about this problem. Maybe with Section 31’s help, we can put an end to this senseless talking.”
He takes a seat behind his desk and looks at the screen.
>Fred: “This is Fred Volouski of Volouski's Trampoline Services.”
Cell: “What the--? I was trying to hail a Federation Starbase.”
>Fred: “Wells youse hailszed me. So you gonna buy a trampoline or not?”
Cell: “No! I don’t understand why my hail went to you. The channels are obviously different.”
>Fred: “Well keep off channel 47-Beta. Unless youse want a trampoline! Then by all means.”
The screen clicks off.
Later, the senior staff meet in the Briefing Room again. Captain Tressa has arrived to see if she can help.
Tressa: “I’m really here to get off my suspicious ship! It’s that mutiny time of the month again. I always get through it, but it only starts up again a month later. Sounds like something else female we could possibly talk about over a slumber party, huh, Kugo?”
Cell: “Look, we have to figure out what the hell is wrong with the Phoenix-X? The last time the systems were this messed up was when the Transwarp Drive lost compatibility with the rest of the ship.”
Seifer: “Don’t forget the ZL Virus that lived in the database until transforming into an omnipotent being.”
Tressa: “And wasn’t there a time when you were assimilated by the Borg?”
Cell: “There, you’ve gone ahead and did it. Reminiscing. I’m getting my fork. I’m getting my fork!”
Seifer: “Wait! I think I know what the correlation is between the failing occurrences on the Phoenix-X............... It’s the number 47.”
Seifer: “First GoyCho’s Torpedo isn’t able to change frequency from forty-seven, then your hail to the Starbase is redirected to channel forty-seven.”
Amp: “You might be right. While I was working at the Helm this morning, the Y-Axis rotation seemed to continually favour the angle 47...”
Lox: “And in Sickbay, the EMH wouldn’t stop mixing medicines with 47 elements. How am I supposed to support my illegal experiments with the same concoction everytime??”
Cell: “This is really odd. Why the number forty-seven? Why is it happening all over the ship?”
Seifer: “Especially since the answer to life, the universe, and everything is forty-two.”
Cell: “I don’t know where you got that answer, but it stops here right now.”
Tressa: “This is very disturbing. I will return to my ship and see if there are any occurrences of this phenomenon there.”
Cell: “Good idea. Kugo, I want you to run a similar search on the Phoenix-X. There may be more of these 47’s around.”
Tressa: “Well, Kugo, something else we have in common. We’re both running the same scans.”
Kugo: “Sir, permission to kill myself?”
Doctor Lox enters Sickbay where the main Biobed has been altered to contain a Genetic Resequencer. On the bed lay an enthusiastic patient.
Nathan: “Yes! I can’t wait until my body is altered to make me stronger and faster. I’ll show everyone who’s the best Battle Arena fighter. Hey, Genetic Resequencing is legal, right?”
Lox: “...Uuhhh yeah.”
He taps at the console, which promptly gets to work on Nathan’s cells. But a panel on the device begins to beep incessantly.
Lox: “..........What the?? The resequencer is altering the 47th of every genetic alteration in your genes!”
Nathan: “Ahh! Make it stop. Make it stop!”
Lox: “Wait! The resequencer is stopping at your chromosomes, because you only have forty-six.”
Lox: “Crap! It just added a forty-seventh chromosome!”
Nathan: “Aaahh! What’s happening to me!? Ahhh!”
He begins to morph and alter physically, until his skin tone is fully grey. When it’s all over, he is turned into a Cardassian.
Lox: “Whoa! That is just wrong.”
Nathan: “Ah, crap. Now I’m going to be hated by the Bajorans ...Well, better make the most of it.”
He walks out of Sickbay to push his annoying nature onto others. Screams can be heard from out in the corridor by people he tries telling stories to.
Ensign Dan relaxes in 10-Forward when he decides he wants to get a meal from the Replicator.
Ensign Dan: “That sounds like a whopping idea!”
He taps at the Replicator, expecting a traditional Veklava dish... but instead getting a plate of Gagh.
Ensign Dan: “Computer! What the hell is this?”
#Computer: “Food Compliment number-47, Klingon Gagh.”
Ensign Dan: “Well I asked for Veklava.”
#Computer: “That Food Compliment is unavailable at the moment. Please step away from the Replicator or you will be relieved of duty.”
Ensign Dan: “What??”
#Computer: “You have failed to step away from the Replicator. You are now relieved.”
Two body-guards suddenly burst into 10-Forward and drag Ensign Dan away.
Ensign Dan: “Noooooooo!”
Lieutenant Commander Kugo is in Engineering, running the search, when RaeLuna approaches her.
RaeLuna: “What is your progress?”
Kugo: “I’m reading signs of the number 47 all over the ship. People trying to run Holodeck Programs can only start at Chapter 47... the Transporter’s on each Deck are only able to dematerialize 47-percent of a person’s body... The trimmer-blades in BOB’s Barber Shop only go up to 47 now!”
RaeLuna: “This BOB... was he not once your token Ferengi Bartender?”
Kugo: “Yeah but he was eventually pushed out of business.”
RaeLuna: “In a bar that expensed free beverages?”
Kugo: “That’s how tough the market was.”
Just then the console before them starts beeping.
Kugo: “Damn! It says the Transwarp Drive calculations are being corrupted by the number 47. The power outage to the ship is starting to fluctuate!”
RaeLuna looks around to notice that all the lights begin blinking ineffectively.
Kugo: “If we don’t stop this number invasion on the Drive, we could be looking at a Breech!”
RaeLuna makes a fist and then slams it into the console. The console shatters and her fist breaks the technology inside. Just then, the power throughout the ship begins to fail at a slower rate.
Kugo: “Well that’s one way of fixing it.”
RaeLuna: “This console was aggrivating the infection due to your search. But I merely slowed down the disruption to the ship.”
Kugo: “We might be able to counter-act the 47’s with catered-equations that cancel it out. But we’d have to do it from the Bridge to re-access all the systems.”
RaeLuna: “The Transporters are ineffective, so we’ll have to get there by foot.”
Kugo: “Let’s go.”
The two turn and run out of Engineering.
Meanwhile, Captain Cell is hailed by Captain Tressa from the Caterina.
Cell: “How’s everything going over there?”
>Tressa: “Chaos! Absolute chaos! ...The cloaking device has been corrupted by the number 47, so now random areas of the ship won’t stop disappearing. Including my crew!”
>Heif: “Captain. The crew and I would like to mutiny against you right now. It is that time of month.”
>Tressa: “What crew?”
The Romulan Officer turns around to see no-one backing him.
>Heif: “Ah, crap! They all must be cloaked right now. Oh well. I guess the mutiny’s off.”
Captain Tressa turns back to the view-screen.
Tressa: “You see, Phoenix-X? Even our ship isn’t limited to this number atrocity!”
>Cell: “I wonder if these incursions may have something to do with the J-3 Torpedo you fired? I’m suggesting we both leave this Asteroid Field immediately.”
Tressa: “But we think we kno--”
>Cell: “No time for your Romulan babbling! --Amp! Take us out of here.”
>Cell: “Amp, what’s the matter?”
>Amp: “--Can’t... move... body...”
The Holographic Helmsmen falls over in a sick-state. Commander Seifer uses this opportunity to examine Amp’s program at a side-station.
Seifer: “Captain! It appears Amp’s program is being bombarded with internal-system attacks.”
Cell: “Who did this!? Are the Borg to blame yet again?”
Seifer: “No, sir!”
>Tressa: “That’s what we’ve been trying to tell you. We think your Omega Android is the cause of all these 47’s.”
Cell: “How is that possible?”
Amp, sits up: “Uuugghhh... told... Omega to... fight me... Told him to give me everything he’s got. It didn’t stop at the Battle Arena... he kept fighting me from the inside of the computer...”
>Tressa: “The conflictions in your computer by those two are instigating the number 47. Their fight must be growing to not only take part on your ship, but to include my ship aswell.”
Amp: “....Uggh.... the clashing of our programs.... is naturally an equation to the number 47--”
Cell: “Seifer! ...Find the Omega android and stop this immediately!”
Seifer: “I’m on it.”
The Commander enters the Turbolift as RaeLuna and Kugo walk out of it. He makes his way down to the Torpedo Bay, where Omega has been working on the J-3 Torpedoes.
Seifer: “Omega this has to stop!”
GoyCho: “He’s been trying for the past hour, but isn’t having any luck. Whatever’s clashing with his program isn’t letting go.”
Omega: “Infliction with Hologram... Holorgram!!! --Ugggh.”
The Android grabs his head in pain, trying to initiate a shut down procedure. He steps in front of the Bay Doors while doing this.
Seifer: “Aim that Torpedo Launcher at Omega, and fire!”
GoyCho: “This one hanging over our heads? I brought it inside to recalibrate the 47-frequency!”
Seifer: “The Android has to be taken out before the Phoenix-X is destroyed.”
GoyCho shrugs and then jumps up to grab onto the large canon. Normally sticking out the Bay Doors, he presses a bunch of buttons onto it and fire’s a J-3 Torpedo at Omega.
The torpedo blasts into the Android, taking the Android with it out the Bay Doors and into space. As the protective force-field goes up over the shattered hole, they can see Omega and the torpedo hit an Asteroid in the distance. An explosion follows suddenly after.
The Lieutenant drops back to the floor in awe of the situation. They identify the asteroid as Asteroid 47-Beta.
GoyCho: “I’m going to miss that danger-inducing Android...”
Seifer: “Maybe not... did you say the Torpedo was on a lower frequency?”
GoyCho: “Yeah. It was on frequency-47.”
Seifer: “It looks like the impact wasn’t as strong as it needed to be.”
He points at the debris, where dust separates to show Omega lying flat against an Asteroid-piece. His structure is still in tact.
GoyCho: “Oh my gosh! Commander look at this control panel... It’s showing that the J-3 Torpedo has been renamed to the J-47 Torpedo. That means all our labeling on the casings are now inaccurate!”
Seifer: “I can’t believe it... No Torpedo in history has ever changed its own name before!”
GoyCho: “Should I change it back?”
Seifer: “Yes please.”
Back on the Bridge, Kugo and RaeLuna have successfully implemented a canceling-equation. Most of the systems on the Phoenix-X return to normal.
Cell: “Excellent work you two! ...Wait a minute. Kugo, I thought you never got along with other females?”
Kugo: “RaeLuna isn’t a foolish juvenile like Tressa is!”
>Tressa: “What did you say?? Alright, Kugo, from here on out this is war... And this time, it’s personal.”
Kugo: “That was the intention.”
>Tressa: “Caterina out!!”
The screen clicks off, and the Caterina warps out of there. With the Transporters working to full efficiency again, the Omega android is beamed back onto the Bridge.
Cell: “Is he going to be alright?”
Amp, examines: “The torpedo almost fried his positronic-net. It may take us a while to get him fixed... Even his exoskeleton has weakened from the blow.”
Cell: “Get to work. I stored a great amount of mp3 files in his memory, and I don’t intend on losing them.”
He leaves the Bridge to go into his Ready Room. There, before he is hailed by Section 31, the Commander enters.
Seifer: “Well sir - Most of the systems have lost the 47-bug, but I think I’m going to miss the Gagh.”
Cell: “It’s just as well. We wanted to attack the Caterina for fun earlier, but every time we tried raising our defensive shields they would only go up to 47-percent.”
Seifer: “That sucks. At least I was able to get a distress call out to Section 31.”
Suddenly the Laptop screen clicks on, with Elena and Nelkast on it.
>Elena: “What is going on here, Phoenix-X? We have to find out through the Sections Party that you sent Section 47 a distress call??”
>Nelkast: “And it wasn’t even a good party! Section 24 kept throwing spit-balls at our table.”
Cell: “That was actually meant for you.”
>Elena: “Whatever! Now, let’s see how your J-3 Torpedo testing went... What the?? This says you changed the name to J-47 Torpedo, and your testing is inconclusive!”
>Nelkast: “Do you know how hard it was to arrange that meeting with the Tal’Shiar? Now it won’t be months before we can do it again!”
Seifer: “Crap! ...GoyCho must’ve forgot to change the name back.”
>Elena: “We examined your distress file and found some kind of 47-infliction on it. Explain yourselves!”
Cell: “No! You didn’t actually try to mess with it, did you??”
>Nelkast: “Of course! ....What the hell. This console in front of me isn’t showing Technology Number 563 anymore... It’s pulled up Technology Number 47-- the Midget Growth Technology.”
>Elena: “What the hell is going on here? I can’t access this communication anymore. It’s transferring to Channel 47!?!?”
As Seifer and Cell are watching, they begin to notice the communication breaking up.
>Elena: “Who’s F--d ---louski’s--- Trampoline--- ervices?!?!?”
Then the screen cuts out.
Cell: “Oh my gosh... Starbase 55 has been infected by the 47-incursions. It must be some kind of self-sustaining echo of Omega and Amp’s internal battle!”
The Commander checks the Laptop.
Seifer: “Actually, that Starbase is suddenly called Starbase 47 now.”
Cell: “Damn! Do you think we should help them?”
Seifer: “Hmm... You know, Elena and Nelkast has yelled at us for far too much over the years. Maybe we should give their vocals a break for now? ...Get back to them in the morning?”
Cell: “Good idea, Commander... good idea.”
They both smile evilly, before Seifer leaves the Ready Room. The vengeance of 47 lives on!!