Star Trek: Phoenix-X
(The Romulan Starship Catarina approaches a wide spread meteor cluster)
Tressa: Alright. Let’s make this fast. Begin the scan.
Heif: Yes, Captain.
(The Catarina begins scanning the lightyear-wide debris)
Tressa(shakes her head): We’re never going to find the crashed ship like this.
(Casio enters the bridge)
Tressa: General. We have reached the cluster.
Casio: Good. On screen.
(It goes on screen)
Tressa: This would be much easier if you could just tell us where to look maybe.
(Casio studies the view on the screen)
Casio: Uhhhh…. Go that way.
Tressa: What do you mean, “go that way”? Can’t you give us some co-ordinates?
Casio: No, I forgot them—I mean—it’s more fun this way… Yeah.
(Tressa nods to the pilot to head in that direction)
Mocca: Captian, a Federation vessel has entered the sector and is heading this way.
Casio(speaks to himself in monologue): Huh? …That wasn’t part of the plan…
Tressa: What plan, General?
Casio(laughs): Plan? Heh, heh. I didn’t say plan, I said—uhh, pizza.
Tressa: Oh shut up, General. You’re obviously hiding something.
Casio: Uh! You could at least pretend to be deceived. I have feelings too you know.
(Casio leaves the bridge for a second)
Tressa(shakes her head): Mocca, report on the vessel.
Mocca(reads his scan): Federation Prometheus Class, NX-00001, the USS Phoenix-X. ETA, 2 minutes.
Tressa: Hail them.
*Daniel(goes on screen): Caterina.
Tressa: Who said you could be here?
*Daniel: Keep your wrinkled forehead together, Captain. This is the Neutral Zone, we can be here if we want.
Tressa: You better explain yourself, Phoenix-X, before we take this as a hostile attack.
*Daniel(laughs): Please. Even if it were a hostile attack, not even five of your best warships could take
Tressa(laughs): Yeah right. I could disable your ship in seconds. We da bomb, man.
*Daniel: You mean your tactics would bomb. Your leadership skills probably suck even more than your ‘place-a-bowl-on-your-head’ haircut; if that’s even possible.
Tressa: Uh! That’s it. Fire at them Lieutenant!
(The screen goes out. Casio enters the bridge)
Casio: No, don’t fire! I would like to get to the ambassador’s crashed ship alive!
Tressa: We are the best ship in the fleet. We can take them on.
Casio: Yeah but I don’t want to waste any time! Enhance speed!
(The Catarina goes faster above the road of meteors)
(On the Phoenix-X)
Daniel: Where the heck are they going?
Gotens: They might have a lead on to where the crashed ship might be.
Daniel: Maybe… but what if they have a lead on to where the crashed ship might be? We have to beat them to it!
Red(at helm): Your orders, sir?
Daniel: After them!
(The Phoenix-X speeds up and rides along beside the Caterina. The Caterina swings to the left, bumping the Phoenix-X. The Phoenix-X is rudely shoved over, so it bumps them back harder)
Tressa: Hail them!
*Daniel: Nice try, Caterina. But we’re not going to let you get to that ship for yourselves.
Tressa: Arggh! I want to fire on you, but it could cause war between our people!
*Daniel: Oh don’t let formalities get in your way, Captain. Let’s keep any combat between us strictly
Tressa: Fine! Then it is a verbal agreement, Phoenix-X; any actions taken here today are our
responsibility and are not to have any conflict repercussions with either of our people!
(The screen cuts out. Daniel takes a seat at the bridge of the Phoenix-X)
Daniel: I’m going to enjoy disabling their ship.
Daniel: I know, I know. This is against Starfleet regulations and stuff.
Gotens: No, I was gonna suggest a photon torpedo blast to their navigation systems--
Daniel: Well to heck with your regulations, Commander! They think they’re better than us!
Gotens: But I didn’t say—
Daniel: Will you shut up!? Jeez, can’t you just bend the rules once in a while?
Gotens: Sure I can. That’s why I said—
Daniel: Oh my gosh! It’s like you don’t even hear a word I’m saying!
(The Phoenix-X fires towards a vital area on the Caterina, but the Caterina suddenly puts up an ionic-lightning shield, absorbing the photon torpedo. Tressa laughs)
*Daniel(goes on screen): Where the heck did you get ionic-lightning technology?
Tressa: Just a little something we picked up from the Carthaginians. Mocca, fire a Chloraphine Torpedo.
Mocca: You got it, Ma’am.
(The Caterina fires a weird purple torpedo at the Phoenix-X. It punctures the Phoenix-X’s shields and smacks onto the hull. The Phoenix-X regenerates the dent. Daniel laughs)
*Tressa(goes on screen): Where the hell did you get regeneration technology?
Daniel: Just a little something we picked up from the Borg. Armond, raise our ionic-lightning shield.
Armond: Aye, Captain.
(The Caterina fires another purple torpedo at the Phoenix-X. The Phoenix-X raises the lighting shield and absorbs the blast. The two ships continue to discharge phasers and torpedoes at each other while soaring over the bed of rocks.)
BOB: 2 point 5 seconds later…
(The Phoenix-X and the Caterina accidentally fly past a meteor as big as a moon, that’s covered with some kind of white containment sphere. The two ships stop and turn around)
Tressa: What is it?
Heif: The rock seems to have some kind of subspace gravitational pull. It’s emitting an unidentifiable subspacial atmosphere.
Tressa: In English man!
Hief: That was English.
Mocca: Scans can’t penetrate it, but if you zoom in you can see some kind of crashed ship and a person outside.
(They zoom in and everyone squints their eyes trying to try to see through the white gas)
Tressa: Ohhh yeaaahh…
Casio(nods): Yes, now I remember… I couldn’t beam through, so I took my ship in…
Casio: --Uhhh, nothing. I was just reciting Shaakespeare.
Tressa: That stupid Phoenix-X wants to capture the ambassador’s ship and study the Romulan technology!
Mocca: What makes you say that?
Tressa: Well why else would Starfleet be here? It’s not like Casio is conspiring with the Federation, and told them to come here too!
(Meanwhile on the Phoenix-X)
Daniel: Where the heck is Casio? He’s the one who told us to come here to get the ship and the ambassador!
Ensign Dan(shrugs): I dunno.
Daniel: Oh, so you’re finally raising your voice to the old Captain, eh? Well you are relieved!!
Ensign Dan(walks away): Aw, crap.
(The turbolift doors swoop open and Casio in a Federation uniform steps onto the Bridge)
Casio: Sorry, Captain. I was trying to get through the hallways but there were so many Klingons in the way taking up all the space. Don’t they have anything better to do?
Gotens: Admiral Casio, we’ve arrived at the ambassador’s crashed ship, but there seems to be Romulans here who want to get their hands on the Federation technology.
Casio: Those bastards! –Waitaminute. No one could’ve told them about this place… Unless someone on this ship is a spy! --Arrest that man!!
(He points to Lieutenant Kayl)
Kayl: I’m a girl.
Armond: Admiral, Kayl’s not a spy.
Casio: Oh, working for the enemy are ya? Arrest that man!!
Gotens: Armond can’t be a spy.
Casio: So you’re in it too, eh? Arrest that man!!
(The Bridge is quiet)
Gotens: Doesn’t anyone believe the Commander isn’t a spy?
(The guards take him away)
Gotens: No! This is a mistake! You have the wrong man!
(The turbolift doors shut behind them. Casio steps forward to the screen and examines the big rock with the white atmosphere)
Casio: Can your transporters beam through it?
Armond: No, sir. But the ship might be able to penetrate it.
Casio(nods): That sounds like a good idea.
(Meanwhile on the Caterina; Tressa argues with their Casio)
Tressa: We can’t take the ship in there! That’ll put my crew in danger!
Casio: Dammit, Captian, what’s more important, the lives of the many or the lives of the few!? That’s right, the few!
Mocca: Can’t we just send a probe through to communicate with the ambassador?
Casio: No! Take the ship in to rescue him! That’s an order!!
Tressa: First we’ll send the probe, then we’ll find another way to get the ambassador.
(Armond’s panel beeps)
Armond: The Caterina is sending a probe into the thingy with the white thingy around it.
Daniel: You mean the meteor?
Daniel: Destroy it!
(The Phoenix-X fires phasers at the probe as it descends into the atmosphere. The Caterina fires a Chloraphine torpedo at the Phoenix-X. The probe isn’t destroyed in time, so the Phoenix-X diverts its firing to the Caterina. Tressa sits in her chair)
Heif: Captian, the Phoenix-X also launched a communications probe into the meteor.
Tressa: You mean the thingy with the white thingy around it?
Tressa(stands): Activate multi-holo separation; Attack sequence Beta-Alpha-Omega.
Mocca(taps away): You’ve got it.
(Meanwhile on the Phoenix-X)
Daniel(stands): Activate multi-vector separation; Attack sequence Omega-Alpha-Beta.
Armond(taps away): Aye, sir.
(The Phoenix-X’s vectors separate the ship into three. The three vectors begin swarming around the Caterina, pumping out quantum torpedoes. The Caterina launches two small self-navigational devices out into the battle. The devices suddenly emit an exact holographic representation of the Caterina around each of them. Three Caterina’s fire on the three Phoenix-X vectors as they swarm. Tressa scratches her head)
*Daniel(goes on screen): You’re dead, Caterina!! Cool technology though.
(Gotens re-enters the bridge, dusting himself off from beating up the guards)
Daniel(taps his commbadge): Kugo, launch the Slipstream Torpedoes!!
*Kugo: Captian, I’m in my quarters right now!
Daniel: Ooo, what are you wearing?
Gotens: Hey has anyone tried communicating with the ambassador now that the probe’s on the surface?
Shane(at a communications station at the back of the bridge): I have! We’ve been having a conversation about science fiction stories based on science fiction TV shows.
(The ship shakes from a hit)
Gotens: Is the ambassador all right?
Shane: Yeah, except he’s not a Federation ambassador.
(Meanwhile on the Caterina)
Dwyane(at a communications station at the back of the bridge): This guy on the meteor isn’t a Romulan ambassador.
Tressa(turns around): Who is he?
Dwyane: He’s Casio.
(Tressa looks over at General Casio on the bridge, who is just scratching his neck trying to avoid eye contact)
(The original Casio sits at the helm of his crashed ship on the meteor and speaks to two monitors)
Casio: Hey, what’s up?
*Gotens: How can you be on the bridge of our ship and there at the same time?
*Tressa: There’s a Casio on our ship too!
Casio(scratches his neck): Oops, sorry. I only meant to create one Casio replica and send it to one starship. I guess I have to be more careful with my powers.
*Gotens: Uhh, yeah… you know how those magical powers can be…
Casio: It’s not magic. It’s a characteristic of my species to be able to create replica’s of yourself to confuse your attackers. In this case, I created a replica at the head of a large state to get your best ship to come and figure out how to get me out of here.
*BOB: Wow. These replica’s are actual beings with brains and internal organs!
(Everyone just stops and looks around wondering where that BOB guy came from)
Casio: Anyways. Can you guys get me out of here?
(Casio makes a hand motion which dissipates the Casio replica’s on each ship)
*Daniel(shoves Gotens aside): Move it, regulation boy. We’ll see what we can do, Casio.
*Tressa: No, we’ll see what we can do!
*Daniel: What? You couldn’t see what you could do if you were cutting your hair using a bowl!
*Tressa: Leave my bowl out of this!
Casio: Hold it, hold it. You can both help me! Jeez.
(They cut Casio out and look to their own monitors)
Daniel: Do you have any ideas?
*Tressa: Why don’t you send one of your stupid vectors into it?
Daniel: Why don’t you send your fat mama into it?
Kugo: It is logical to assume that sending one of our vessels into the atmosphere would only get it stuck there like Casio’s ship.
*Tressa: I could risk to send one of my multi-holo devices to the edge of the atmosphere to relay a beam out transfer, but that stupid subspacial atmosphere is blocking the way.
Armond: The Phoenix-X could activate a transwarp bubble to wedge a small hole in the atmosphere. The multi-holo device can fly in and relay that transport.
Daniel: But we’re at war with the Caterina!
*Tressa: Yeah! What you’re asking for is a partnership!
Armond(shrugs): Well we could always just leave the guy here.
Daniel(rubs his chin): Hmmm….
*Tressa: We can’t do that.
Daniel: You’re right. Do you agree to a truce?
*Tressa: Only if you agree to a truce.
Daniel: Well I’m not agreeing until you agree.
*Tressa(crosses her arms): I’m not agreeing until you agree.
(After an hour of that, the Phoenix-X’s Vector 2 is ordered near the atmosphere meteor. It engages a transwarp bubble which makes a small hole in the subspacial atmosphere. One of the Caterina replica ships disengages holo-emitters and sends its small self into the atmosphere, relaying a transport to the Caterina. Daniel and Gotens beam aboard the Caterina to meet Casio; they enter the next transporter room)
Daniel: This is your chance, Commander. I’m counting on your regulations knowledge and your diplomatic abilities to get Casio to come aboard our ship.
(Casio beams in)
Gotens: You’re coming with us, Casio!
Gotens: ‘Cause yo mama said so!
Casio(scratches his head): Mom said that?
Daniel: Good work, Commander!
(Daniel leaves the room as Mocca enters)
Mocca: You’re coming with us, Casio.
Mocca: Uhhh… ‘Cause yo mama said so!
Casio(scratches his head): It’s really itchy back here.
Gotens: He can’t go with you, he’s coming with us!
Mocca: Why would he want to go with the Federation??
Gotens: Well, why would he wanna go with the Romulation??
Mocca: It’s the Romulans.
Gotens: Oh yeah?! Well then you can just call us the Federans!! I don’t see why we have to go through the all trouble of recalling a totally unrelated name just to identify you!
(Casio accidentally drops two suitcases that he was holding. Jewelry, gold, and latinum spill out)
Gotens: So that’s why you went to the surface of that meteor! Someone left a treasure there!
Casio(desperately putting it back in his suitcases): Yeah and it’s mine! All mine! Hahahahaa!!!
Mocca: Man! What a waste of our time! We could be playing anti-gravity shuffle boards right now!
(Casio tries running past them, but they hold him back)
Casio(struggling): Hey! Any touching between my species are assumed sexual!
(They let go)
(The transporter operator winks at Casio)
Gotens: Anyways, you’re going to jail for deceiving us like this.
Mocca: Yeah, but he’s going to our jail!
Gotens: Okay, let’s stop arguing and just compromise.
Mocca: Fine! You guys get half of him and we get half of him. I’ll start the incision down his forehead.
(He aims his phaser)
Gotens: Agreed. I hope this doesn’t kill him.
Casio: Ha! Ha! Ha! Nice try, Commanders! The original Casio is safe on another planet, I’m just a replica he wanted to get the treasure!
(Casio dissolves himself out of existence)
(Daniel and Tressa walk down a hallway on the Caterina)
Daniel: So the Caterina is just an experimental ship for the Romulation Fleet?
Tressa: It’s Romulans.
Daniel: But what’s the main experiment aboard your ship?
Tressa: Do not tell anyone, but we have a highly classified Slipstream engine that creates conduits through subspace, allowing us to go 20 times faster than warp 9.
Daniel: Cool! So do we, except it’s Transwarp for us.
(They enter the transporter room)
Tressa: Yes, we have scanned your vessel and also know that it is an experimental ship.
Daniel: Well I guess we both have to agree to keep our secrets.
Tressa: Are we agreeing to keep each other’s secrets because you and I are now allies, or are we agreeing to keep each other’s secrets because you and I are blackmailing each other?
Daniel: Uhh... The second one.
Tressa: Good. I was afraid you were going to go soft on me. Well, until we meet again.
(He is beamed back to the Phoenix-X. The two ships warp out of there)