Star Trek: Phoenix-X
(Kugo enters the Klingon Practice Room, where most of the Klingons practice fighting. Inside, there are five Klingons and the Chief Security Officer of the ship)
Walace: Okay, I'm Chief Security Officer of the ship and I'm going to teach you all how to fight. Now, when you do a punch, you have to close your hand and make, what some fight theorists call, a fist.
(All the Klingons look at each other in disbelief)
Kortos: I cannot believe this.
Amos: Yes, I know; we have to be lead by a puny Human.
Kortos: No, I mean these new rubber pants I'm wearing; they're giving me a potak rash.
Kugo(walks over): I am here, and ready to practice fighting. How do you do that hand thing, a fist?
Walace: Ahh, Kugo, welcome. She is an excellent fighter, you know.
Amos: Yes, but it is not of Klingon style and she is Vulcan. This is a Klingon room!! Only Klingons are allowed in here!!
Walace: Calm down Amos! Jeez, man. I shouldn't've made you all wear rubber pants, it's making you more edgy.
Amos: Hey, am I complaining about the pants?
Kugo(protests): I can fight Klingon style! Watch me!
(She engages battle with Kortos. Kortos fights Klingon style. Kugo fights Vulcan style.)
Amos: You see!? I told you!!
Kugo(stops fighting): Shut up, Amos! Before I kick your ass and give you a patok rash!
Walace: Okay, that's all for today, class. Tomorrow, I want you to wear poly vinyl instead of rubber--and keep practicing that "fist" I taught you. Dismissed!
(The class leaves, grumbling)
(Kugo enters her quarters and slumps into her couch.)
Kugo: Stupid Amos! ...Computer, reactivate holo-movie, "The Lion King - Revised Vulcan Edition".
(The computer acknowledges, and a couple holographic characters appear on her small hologrid in the middle of the living room)
*Mufasa(in the clouds): Simba, remember who you are! You must take your place in the circle of life! --It is only logical.
*Simba: Father! I understand your logic. But it is illogical that you appear in the clouds when you are dead!
*Mufasa(pauses): Well. Allow me to explain. The ionization properties relevant in those of hydrogen in a gaseous state are equal and greater than those of "y". Those of the deceased, or "spirit folk", are equal or less than "y".....
(The movie goes on)
Kugo(wipes her tears with a tissue): This movie is so logical...
*Computer: Incoming subspace message for Lieutenant Kugo.
(She turns off the movie and walks over to her view screen)
Kugo(activates it): Yes?
*Lasha: Kugo! It's me, your sister!
*Lasha: I have been captured by the Romulans! You have to save me!
Kugo: Okay, where are you?
*Lasha: I'm at Bloody Ridges, cell block 24!
(The transmission suddenly cuts out. Kugo just stands there, shocked...)
***Star Trek: Phoenix-X***
(The Phoenix-X soars through the stars and past a few cool spacial anomalies)
*Daniel: Space... the first frontier... these are the voyages of the experimental starship, Phoenix-X. Our mission, to break the barriers of the final frontier, to seek out new lives to ruin, new civilizations to conquer... to boldly go where everyone has gone before!
(The Phoenix-X theme music plays as the ship treks past more cool stuff)
Kugo: --Uhh, sir?
(Kugo walks into the Captian's Ready Room where Daniel is listening to his theme song)
Daniel: Dededeh dededededehhh...
Daniel(turns off the music and faces Kugo): Oh, hey, I didn't see you. Do you think I should do it in rap instead?
(He makes a beat)
Daniel: Psh psheck, psh psheck-- Yo! Space be that final frontier we be trekkin', from the Phoenix-X more black sky we be checkin. To seek out new alien life and new civilizations, the Borg's be dissin us with their assimilations. Whoop! There it is!
Kugo: Captain! I have to talk to you about something!
Daniel: Oh, sure go ahead, girlfriend.
Kugo(takes a deep breath): Look, I can't be your girlfriend anymore... I have to go and do something and you can't get involved.
Daniel: Oh, so that's it? You only came in here to break my heart. Well fine! But don't expect any special favors from the Captain anytime soon!!
Kugo: Can I have my vacation time early this year?
Daniel: Yeah, sure-- Waitaminute! How dumb do you think I am? Just for that, I'm putting you on shore leave!
(She runs off)
(Tey, a Romulan, enters a building on his planet. He goes downstairs to the jail room, where Lasha is)
Tey: Hurry up! They could be here any minute!
Lasha: They're not gonna be here that soon! Calm down!
(Lasha is outside a jail cell and working on the control panel)
Tey(watching the door in case anybody comes in): I hope they don't figure out what we're doing.
Lasha(working faster on the computer panel): They won't.
(Inside the jail cell is an exact holographic representation of Lasha)
(Lieutenant GoyCho approaches the new Federation Runabout in the shuttle bay)
GoyCho: Finally! The Phoenix-X has a Runabout! I've been waiting for this baby ever since I beamed through that planetary electromagnetic field and lost a couple shoulder molecules.
Kugo(walks inside the runabout): I'm taking the Runabout, GoyCho.
(He grabs his shoulder.)
GoyCho: The pain is coming back.
(The Runabout doors close. It hovers and flies out of the shuttle bay into space)
(On the Bridge, Armond calls the Commander over to his workstation)
Armond: I picked up a subspace signal from Kugo's quarters.
(He plays the audio)
>*George: I'm wearing a thong.
>Kugo: Don't worry, baby. I'll take it easy with you.
Armond(changes it): --Oops sorry, wrong one.
>*Lasha: Kugo! It's me, your sister!
>*Lasha: I have been captured by the Romulans! You have to save me!
(Armond and Gotens glance at each other)
>Kugo: Okay, where are you?
>*Lasha: I'm at Bloody Ridges, cell block 24!
Armond: Then it cuts out.
Gotens: Kugo must be on her way to Romulus right now. Helm! Set a course!!
Red: To where?
Gotens: I said, set a course...
(The Phoenix-X cloaks and heads for Romulan space)
(Meanwhile, Kugo is already there, and walking around the a city, wearing a cloak to conceal herself)
Kugo(looks at a building in the distance): ...Heh. There's the Bloody Ridges.
(Two Police Officials approach her from behind)
Klent: Excuse me. Can you tell me if that cloak you're wearing is a Kliven Kal?
(Kugo gets startled and turns around in fighting mode)
Klent(points at her): Oh my gosh! A Vulcan!
Brock(points to a symbol on her cloak): Oh my gosh! It is a Kliven Kal!
Klent: Oh my gosh! You're right! --Those are so hard to find nowadays.
Brock: Let's get it from her!
(They attack her. Kugo tries to fight back, Klingon style.)
Brock: Ahhh!! She's stretching the leather!!
Klent: Arrest her!
(The two Police Officials capture her)
(The Phoenix-X, cloaked, gets into orbit of Romulus. Shane enters the Transporter Room.)
Shane: I have a mission. Beam me down to the surface, Scotty.
Billy: I'm Billy.
Shane: Shut up Scotty! There's no time to waste!!
(Shane is beamed to the surface. He liquefies and rides along the ground towards the Bloody Ridges building. He de-liquefies inside and finds Lasha and Kugo inside a jail cell)
Shane: Kugo and Kugo's sister! Are you alright?
Shane: Are you sure? Do you need anything?
Shane: I could get you something if you really need it, you know.
Lasha: Get us out of here!
Shane: Oh yeah, sure.
(He gets to work on the control panel to release the force field)
(Meanwhile, Klent and Brock shove Kugo into the Customs Office)
Klent: Sir, we've caught an alien intruder! A Vulcan female. Shall I execute her?
Klent: Oh, but I really want to.
Brock: Yeah, we'll do it with style.
Tey: No! Get out of here and leave her with us!
Klent: All right, all right... --Hehehe. I got her cloak.
(Brock and Klent leave. Kugo approaches the desk)
Kugo(gives the evil eye): Lasha...
Lasha(turns around in her chair): Kugo...
Lasha: Hey! Why are you saying my name?
Tey: I dunno. Why are you saying mine?
Lasha: I think it's time I told you... I'm secretly attracted to you.
Tey: Oh really? I'm secretly attracted to you, too!
Lasha: Let's make love!
Tey(jumps on the table): Give it to me baby!!
Lasha: Oh yeah, her.
(Shane taps at the control panel of the jail cell)
Shane: Almost done... Okay, you're out!
(The force fields go down)
Shane: --Heyy, waitaminute... There's a control panel behind this control panel!
(He sticks his head through the control panel and pulls it back out)
Shane: It's a holomatrix! You guys are holograms!
Lasha(puts her hand against his cheak): That shouldn't change things between us.
(Shane shuts the holomatrix off. Kugo and Lasha disappear, dropping two Mobile Holo Emitters)
Shane(dusts his hands): I saved us from bringing home the wrong people. Heh, heh. Mission complete!
*Gotens(on the comm): --Shane! Did you get them?
*Gotens: Then you failed your mission!!
Shane(bows his head in shame): Ohhhh...
(Meanwhile, on the Bridge of the Phoenix-X)
Ensign Dan: Why do they call this the Bridge? It's not a path over a stream or anything.
Daniel(walks over): ...You're relieved!
(Ensign Dan walks away, Armond and the Commander walk over)
Gotens: We've done everything and we still can't explain what's going on with Kugo!
Daniel(crosses his arms): No! I refuse to have anything to do with that particular person.
Armond: Can't you give us a little clue?
Daniel(sighs): ....Check the records for Assassinations...
(They run over to the computer)
Armond(scrolling through the murders): Let's see.... Martin Luther King.... J. F. Kennedy... Purple Teletubby... Willy Cutledge...
Armond(enters his directory and reads it): Willy T. Cutledge, Human, assassinated June 14th, three years ago.
(There's a picture of Cutledge giving a speech in front of a crowd in some earth city)
(He points to the corner of the picture where there is person on a building rooftop holding a gun.)
Armond(continues reading): Cutledge was shot during his anti-alien speech. He believed Earthlings were losing their human identity by mingling with other alien races.
Gotens(looks at the person on the roof): This is the murderer.
Armond(reads): Yeah, unfortunately no one could figure out who it was because their face is shadowed.
Gotens: Zoom in.
(He zooms in on the shadowed person)
Gotens: Look, that white spot is an earring!
(He zooms in again)
Gotens: It's a Lion earring!
Armond: It's Kugo! Kugo has Lion earrings!
Gotens: Just like her Lion thong!!
(Everyone looks at him)
Gotens: --I mean, her thong doesn't have Lion syymbols on it--
(Everyone looks at him again)
Gotens: --I mean I haven't seen her thong.
(Everyone looks at him again)
Gotens: --I mean--I never tried it on--I mean-- AAAAaaaaaahhh!!!!
(He runs away)
(Kugo slumps in a chair as someone takes off her earrings)
David: You won't be needing these any more honey.
Kugo: Hey I loved those!
David(injects her with a type of hypo spray): Sit still, honey! Now, show mama your teeth.
(Kugo opens her mouth as David examines it)
Lasha: David's our new surgery guy. He's also a hair stylist!
Kugo: He's gay.
Tey(hands Kugo a padd): Here's the information for your next target. Captain Paya, a Romulan philosopher. He believes if we make peace with the Dominion, it'll be the first step towards peace for the entire Quadrant.
David(adds ridges to her forehead): Hold still!
Tey: Try to have him killed in the next 6 or 7 months if you can. We recommend a personal relationship strategy, instead of your usual rooftop sniper shot.
Kugo(sighs): All right...
Lasha: After we read in the newspaper that he's dead, we won't bother you again.
Kugo: Yeah, yeah. That's what you said the last nine times you asked me to do this.
David: Girl, why don't you let mama come with you on this mission? After all, you can't have assassination without two asses.
(David steps back to see Kugo's face. Her skin is more pale and her hair is more straight)
David: Honey, that's pure Romulan. You go girl!
Kugo: Shut up. I don't talk to men who don't want to see my thong.
David: Oh I've got my own thong, girlfriend.
(Tey and Lasha have sex after Kugo leaves. She takes a transport to a Romulan ship, the Arch, and boards it and takes her place among the crew of the ship.)
Kugo(enters Engineering): It's not the Phoenix-X, but it'll do.
Paya(walks over): Hi, you must be the new Chief Engineer.
Paya: The Warpcore needs a little power boost before we leave for deep space.
Kugo: Where we going?
Paya: Anywhere. We're explorers!
Kugo: Cool. Maybe I'll like this life after all.
Paya: Good, because our last Chief Engineer left because he went insane from boredom.
Kugo: Oh man.
Paya: Don't worry. I put up that Lion's Plaque above the door.
Kugo: Lion's Plaque?
Paya(points to it): On Romulus, the Lion is a symbol that reminds us of who we really are and lets us not stray. If you feel you are going insane, just look up at that and remember who you really are. It is an ancient symbol.
Kugo: Ancient? Then it would be a Vulcan symbol too?
Paya(shrugs): Yeah. --Just don't try to hump it, like the last Chief Engineer.
(Paya leaves and Kugo is left alone in Engineering, looking up at the Lion's Plaque)
(Kugo walks over to the small communications computer that is beeping)
Kugo(turns it on): ....
Kugo: Red? We must terminate this communication before we get caught!!
*Red: It is secure. Why have you left the Phoenix-X?
Kugo: I can't tell you that, Red.
*Red: Are you a Hit Man?
Kugo(takes a deep breath): ...Yes.
*Red: For the Romulans?
*Red: ...Are you originally Romulan?
Kugo: Yes. But so what? I've been almost everything in the last twenty years... Klingon, Bolian, Human, Cardassian, Vulcan... The only ironic thing is now, is that I'm back to what I really am, a Romulan, my true identity.
*Red: Why are you doing this?
Kugo: After my ninth target, I decided to take a rest and live aboard the Phoenix-X. But now I have to get back to my real life, Red. This is what I do.
*Red(takes a deep breath of concern): ...I understand.
(Kugo cuts the transmission)
(Red sits back on the Captain's chair on the Bridge of the Phoenix-X. It's the night shift.)
Red: Then it is so.
Kayl: We can't let her get away that easily!
Red: She does not express any desire to stay with us. Tong, take us out of orbit and head back to Federation space.
Paya: Come in.
(Upset of her last contact with the Phoenix-X, Kugo enters Paya's quarters)
Kugo: Greetings, Captian.
Paya(reading philosophy padds): Kugo. Did you know that if we make peace with our enemies, they won't be our enemies anymore?
Kugo: It is logical.
(She shakes her head in disorientation)
Kugo(walks over and starts rubbing his shoulders): --I mean, yeah, sure. ...But what about the phrase, "Keep your friends close, and your enemies even closer?"
Paya(closes his eyes): I don't want those close to me to be my enemy...
(They make a move for the bed)
Kugo: Right now, I want to get close to you...
(They embrace and start making out. Kugo brings her leg around to his back and then pulls out a dagger from her boot.)
(Kugo raises the dagger and swings her arm down to stab Paya in his back, but drops the dagger in pain because Paya stabs her in the stomach with his own dagger)
Kugo(falls off the bed): --Ugh!!
(She leaves a trail of blood along the floor as she tries crawling towards the door.)
Paya: I knew it! Who sent you!? It was very unwise of you to try to kill me this early!!
(He taps his commbadge)
Paya: Captain to security! Intruder in my quarters!
Kugo(holding her stomach): I knew my life would end this way...ugh-- it was logical to assume so--ugh--
Paya(stands up): Puh! Logical? What are you, a Vulcan?
(She looks up at Paya's door and sees Paya's Lion's Plaque. The doors swoosh open and Romulan Officers burst into the room, holding weapons above her.)
Paya: I'm afraid you get the death penalty after this. You're life is over, Kugo.
(Kugo reaches into her pocket, takes out her old Federation Commbadge and presses it)
(On the Phoenix-X)
Kayl: We can't just leave her here!
Gotens: Sure we can.
Armond: Don't we need her for the Transwarp engines?
*Kugo(voice on the comm): ...Help--
Red: Did you hear something?
Gotens: Sorry, I had beans for lunch today.
Armond(checks sensors): It's her!
Gotens(taps his commbadge): Scotty, beam Kugo aboard!
*Billy: My name is Billy, sir.
Armond: We can't beam her aboard. They have electromagnetic shields. We'd only get part of her.
GoyCho(rubs his shoulder): Yeah. That's really bad for the shoulders.
Red(gets an idea): The Runabout could peek through their shields!
(Out of nowhere, the Runabout appears. It flies towards the Romulan Warbird, the Arch, punctures its shields and flies close to the hull of the ship)
Shane(piloting): I'm in.
*Gotens: Beam her aboard.
(Kugo is beamed inside the Runabout with Shane and Doctor Lox)
Lox(tends to injury): I've got her.
Shane: We've got her.
*Gotens: Good. Get out.
(The Runabout tries leaving the Arch, but the shields' weight is suddenly increased)
Shane(taps his commbadge): They've detected us.
(The Arch fires at the Runabout, but misses a couple times because it's so close. The Runabout hovers along the surface of the ship and cuts the Arch's hull with phasers, sending pieces flying)
Paya(on the bridge of his ship): What kind of vessel is it?
Darien(at the sensors): I can't identify them. Their signature is masked.
(Lox cleans up Kugo's blood)
Lox: Jeez. I need a mop here.
(He looks around, then reaches into his medical kit and takes out a fury blanket)
Lox: My lucky Lion's skin; never leave home without it.
(He cleans the blood)
Kugo(grabs the Doctor's shirt): Doctor, after all this, do you think you can make me Vulcan again?
Lox: I could. But as a Doctor, I must say, Lieutenant, I do not agree with your moral principles.
Kugo(leans back): ...After Paya stabbed me, I realized I don't agree with my moral principles either. I guess being Vulcan all these years changed me.
(Lox puts a cell regenerator tool over the opened gash in Kugo's stomach)
Lox: Glad to hear it.
(The Runabout shakes)
Shane: I hope you guys don't mind if I fire a photon torpedo, close range.
(He presses fire)
(The Runabout fires a torpedo, hitting the back end of the Arch. The Romulans' shields drop and re-allocate around the explosion, at the rear end, to contain it. Shane tries to fly away from the Arch, but an escape pod suddenly buds in front of the Runabout.)
Shane(stops the Runabout): Aahh!! Hey watch where you're going you stupid--@#$%^&*(>!!!
(He sticks his middle finger up at them. Shane tries not to hit anyone as a chaos of escape pods from all over the ship suddenly burst out. The Runabout rotates and accelerates away as the Warbird bulges into a kickass huge explosion. The Runabout disappears when it docks inside the cloaked Phoenix-X)
*Gotens: Good work Shane!
Shane: Thanks, sir.
*Gotens: Too bad you're not technically part of the crew, or I'd promote you.
Shane(hangs his head in shame): Ohhhh....
(Meanwhile, on the planet at a beach; Lasha and Tey toast thier expenisive drinks while they lie on thier reclining chairs.)
Lasha: That stupid Phoenix-X probably has those two holograms right now. Hahahaha!!
Tey: Kugo seemed weak. Perhaps she doesn't have what it takes to be a hit man anymore?
Lasha: Well, we'll see. If not, we're going to have to send someone for her... Hahahaha!!!
Lasha(slaps him): Only I may laugh!
Tey: That's it! I won't take this abuse from you anymore!
(Tey runs away with David)
(Daniel approaches Kugo, who is lying on a medical table in sickbay)
Kugo: Captian. Have you come to heal me with your Q powers?
Daniel: Nah, I wanna let you suffer a little.
Kugo: Thank you, sir. You don't know how much that means to me.
Daniel: I just came here to return this holomovie I accidentaly borrowed on purpose from your personal quarters. It's what I've been doing all this time.
Kugo(recieves the small chip and reads it): ..."The Lion King - Revised Vulcan Edition". --Captain, I know what I did was wrong and I am officially turning myself in for the murders of William Cutledge, Klingon Embassador Renoyl, Purple Teletubby, Cardassian Gul Jorett--
Daniel: Don't waste your breath. I can't put it on record that we went into Romulan space.
Kugo: Oh. Because it violates the Romulan-Federation Neutral Zone Treaty?
Daniel: No, the Federation won't let me cause I almost deleted it last time! ...I'll have my revenge...
(He wiggles two fingers and makes Admiral Cloud wear a tutu)
Kugo: Anyways, thanks for letting me stay on the ship. It takes a big man to put his feelings aside for the well being of others.
Daniel(makes Admiral Theseus transform into a chiwawa dog): Hahah! Take that! Where's your tacos now!?
(Kugo enters the Klingon Practice Room. Inside, there are five Klingons and the Chief Security Officer of the ship)
Walace: Okay, I'm going to check homework now. Everyone, show me your fists. Come on. Show them to me.
(Kortos punches him in the face and knocks him unconscious)
Kortos: My homeowork was complete, sir.
Kugo: Won't you guys get in trouble for that?
Kortos: No, he never remembers when he wakes up.
Amos: Kugo!! Have you come back to impress us with your Klingon fighting skills again?
Kugo: Nope. That's not who I am. I've come to challenge you, Amos. My Vulcan skills against your Klingon skills.
(Amos nods. They converge battle. Amos fights Klingon style, and Kugo fights Vulcan style. Kugo beats Amos)
Amos(gets up): Very good, Lieutenant Kugo.
Kugo: Thanks. --I better get back to Sickbay and let my wound finish healing.
(She runs off)
Walace(sits up): Oh. Glad to see you all wore poly-vinyl today! --Except for you, Amos. You're still wearing rubber.
(Amos punches him out and then fixes his pants)