Star Trek: Phoenix-X
False Management
(The Phoenix-X approaches an alien space Station, orbiting a planet. The local area is busy with traffic of many alien ships)
Daniel: Captain's log. We've recently needed to have our Transwarp Engines tuned up, so Commander Seifer told us about this far off engine Repair service that had some speciality in our type of engines. Are you getting all this, Ensign?
Ensign Dan(writing down everything he says): Can't you do your Captain's Logs on video?
(The Phoenix-X docks at the alien space Station. They're hailed)
*Hwoarang: Ah, welcome to the Sector 894 Engine Apex Centre. I hear you people need a tune up? As soon as we abandon the majority of our less profitable tune-ups, I'll have my men board your ship.
(Daniel raises his hand, signalling Armond to cut the audio)
Armond: I always feel un-loved when you do that.
Daniel(turns around): Kugo, you're in charge of Security, what does your best judgement tell us about these people? Do you think we can trust their teams to board us?
Kugo(shrugs): I dunno. Why don't you ask Kayl? She can read minds.
(Kayl's sitting at her station reading a book)
Kayl: I'm off duty.
(Daniel looks back at Kugo for an answer)
Kugo: Uhhh... Yeah, sure. Let them board. I trust them like they were my Romulan cousins.
Daniel(puts audio back on): I'm sorry; I can't let you board my ship. But I will allow you to assist my Chief Engineer over the communications channel.
*Hwoarang(nods): That is understandable. It will not be a problem. But it will cost more. I hope you are not from one of those cultures that abandoned currency many centuries ago?
(Daniel scratches the back of his neck and avoids eye contact)
Daniel: Uhh, yeah, I'll check into that for you.
(Matt quickly puts on his Federation uniform and runs from his Quarters to Main Engineering. His team is already at work)
Matt: Sorry, I'm late. I was up all night trying to write all your attendance reports.
GoyCho(walks to a console): Sir, the Computer logs everyone's location itself.
Matt: --Oh... Well, I just wanted to... uhh, expand on my leadership qualities.
*Darude(on screen): Greetings. I work under Administrator Hwoarang. I'll be assisting you with the tune-ups to your engines.
Matt: Okay. There are actually a lot of parts I need to have recalibrated.
(He turns to his team to take on his role as leader)
Matt: ...GoyCho. See if you can send them our diagnostics data. ...Tong; double-check the repair list for the engine parts. ...Gewdeque; I want you to disinfect the physical parts for anything that may cause deterioration or rust. ...Amos; you refill the water tank in case anyone gets thirsty.
Amos: Yes sir! It is an honour to be working under you, Lieutenant.
(He runs off. Matt looks over at the rest of his team)
Matt: And you people.... uhh, do funny dance.
(They all look at each other in question)
Matt: I said do a funny dance!!
(They all start bending their knees and jumping up and down)
(Seifer looks behind him before he enters his Quarters. The doors swoop open and the lights automatically turn on)
Seifer: Computer, lights off.
(The lights go off and he bangs his knee on the couch)
Seifer: Owe!! Light's on--!
(He goes over to a communication screen)
Seifer: Lights off. Computer, where is Commander Seifer located?
*Computer: Commander Seifer is in Recreational Centre 3.
(Seifer's commbadge sits on one of the tables in the ship's Dance Club. Someone from the crowd of people notices it)
Elly: Hey! Someone's commbadge...
(She reaches for it, but notices potato chip right beside it)
Elly: Hey! Salt and Vinegar; my favourite kind!
(Seifer activates the viewscreen)
Seifer: Good. Hopefully my potato chip decoy works.
*Velum(appears): This is a secret channel. Who are you?
Seifer: It's me; Seifer!
*Velum: Seifer? Oohhh yeah... You traded with me about half a year ago. What can I help you with? Don't act like we're good friends, I only met you once.
Seifer: So anyways, how are things? Did you finally marry that Klingon girl?
*Velum: What did I just say!!?! --If youse wanna browse the new items, I only got 1 this month; special import from the Silias Sector; it's a Silillan Destroyer.
*(He shows an image of a slender and spiked hand Phaser)
*Velum: They're illegal in 5 different Territories. It tears off body parts on contact.
Seifer: Awseome! I'll take one of those.
*Velum(smiles): Excellent. You can keep it under your pillow at night; you'll sleep better knowing it's there. --You know, if you don't get poked by all its spikes and stuff.
(Ensign Dan sits at the bar in the Dance Club, looking around the room at all the flashing lights and people mingling and dancing)
BOB(cleaning a glass behind the bar): Are you just gonna watch everyone?
Ensign Dan: Hey, don't dis me Quark Imitator. Don't make me mention how weird your name is.
BOB: Alright, alright. Can't a Ferengi bartender have some dignity? I just don't want anyone to notice how my name stands out.
Ensign Dan: Hey, BOB. Look at that guy over there.
(He points to a Federation Officer sitting alone at one of the tables)
BOB: Yeah, what about him? He's eating Salt and Vinegar chips. --Come to think about it... I hate Salt and Vinegar chips!!
Ensign Dan: Doesn't he look suspicious? I've never seen him on the ship before.
BOB: I try to keep the rules straightforward in my Club; no Salt and Vinegar chips!! You can have Salted chips and you can Vinegar chips, but you can't have Salt and Vinegar chips!!
(The guy gets bored and puts down the chips. He stands up and leaves the Club)
(He makes his way through the hallways, nodding friendly to anyone he passes. He turns right as the doors of Main Engineering swoop open and he enters)
Baetal(walks over): Sorry I'm late, sir.
Matt(working at a control panel): It's perfectly all right, whoever-you-are.
Baetal: I'm Ensign Baetal, sir. I just transferred to your team this morning.
Matt: Oh, sure, whatever. Just see if someone needs your help.
*Darude: Anyways, like I was saying; we have to recalibrate the thing, on the other thing.
Matt(points to a map): Near this thing?
*Darude: You must be more specific. What are you pointing at?
Matt(points): This thing here.
Tong(walks over): Sir, did you want me or Gewdeque to replace the coil replicator?
Matt(shrugs): I dunno. Can't you get a self-replicating replicator?
GoyCho(comes over): Sir, do you want me to account for the Regenerative Hull System in our rebuild? We could go either way. It wouldn't affect anything.
(Darude sends Matt more information to look over)
Matt(busy): I really don't know. Why don't you ask the Commander or something?
(GoyCho walks away and taps his commbadge)
*GoyCho: GoyCho to Commander Seifer.
(Daniel and Seifer are on the Bridge sitting at their Command chairs. Seifer is busy reading over a padd)
Seifer: --Huh? Oh--uh, Seifer here.
(Seifer scrolls down the page on his electronic padd, reading the specifications for the Silillan Destroyer)
*GoyCho: I was wondering if we should tie the Borg Systems under the Transwarp Systems. There would be no threat except for possible detection by the Borg that could trigger another invasion of Earth.
Seifer(reading): Yeah, yeah, sure, whatever.
Daniel: Wait!! Can you reformat the Borg Signature?
*GoyCho: Yeah, if the mood hits me right.
Daniel(taps his commbadge off): Do it. --Commander, what the hell are you reading?
Seifer(puts the padd down): --Uhh, crew reports. Another man got lost in the Cloaking Device Room. There are 13 men in there and we don't know where they are.
Daniel: Oh. --Hmmmm...
(Daniel looks at Seifer suspiciously)
(Ensign Dan looks at Baetal's picture suspiciously)
Ensign Dan: --Hmmmm...
BOB: Did you hear? I almost got lost in that Cloaking Device Room. There are rumours going around that I'm still there.
Ensign Dan: This Baetal person's gotta be a spy. Just look at the no expression on his face in this picture.
BOB(goes behind his Bar): No one evoked any expression on Picture Day; the Vulcan's adjusted the gravity so no one could smile or frown.
Ensign Dan: This guy must be a spy. I think I might interrogate him.
BOB: He's not a spy. Every week you think there's a spy on board! Next thing you know, you'll be accusing me of being a spy.
(Ensign Dan suddenly looks at him suspiciously and then shakes his head)
Ensign Dan: Nah.
(He gets up and leaves the Club. BOB speaks into a secret microphone under his collar)
BOB: That was a close one. He almost found us out.
*(Voice): You fool!!
(Ensign Dan makes his way through the hallways and turbolifts until he reaches Main Engineering. The place is busy with repair teams. He approaches Baetal)
Ensign Dan: Excuse me. I'm Ensign Dan from Vector 3.
Baetal: Oh yeah, I heard about you. You're the guy who got beat up by two little kids the other day.
Ensign Dan(avoids eye contact): Yeah, heh, heh... That's me. --I just wanted to welcome you to the Phoenix-X. I assume you transferred over from the Xena since they were the last ship we had contact with...?
Baetal: Yeah, they were giving me a ride. I'm initially from Earth. I was one of the people who were originally working on the Transwarp Project.
Ensign Dan: Oh okay. 'Cause I used to be from the Xena, and I would've known you.
Baetal: I'm sorry that you don't. But we could arrange to get to know each other a little more...
(He places his hand on Ensign Dan's shoulder and winks)
Ensign Dan(shivers): --Uhh, no thanks. I have a girlfriend.
Baetal(gets mad): Are you making a statement about my sexuality?
Ensign Dan: No, no, of course not-- I gotta get going now... Bye.
(Ensign Dan walks across the room to Matt)
Ensign Dan: Jeez. Have you met that Baetal guy?
Matt(busy): I don't know and I don't care.
Ensign Dan: I didn't know he was... you know... "flying his Starship upside down?"
Matt(taps at the panels): I've sent you the status of our Transwarp Field Conditioner. It's Federation made, but I was wondering if you had any suggestions to account for its over-sensitivity to matter.
*Darude: Let me check.
Ensign Dan: You know, he looked like a spy.
*Darude: Yeah, I can do something about this. I'm gonna need you to activate a thin Transwarp Field for the next couple of hours though.
Matt: Okay.
Ensign Dan: I guess I was wrong about him.
Matt(looks at him): Huh? You're not going on about another spy are you? Next thing you know, you'll be accusing BOB the Ferengi Bartender of being a spy.
(Meanwhile, Shane enters his Quarters feeling that someone is hiding in the shadows spying on him)
BOB: Heh, heh. Your day will come soon, Changeling....
(Gewdeque approaches Matt)
Gewdeque: Sir, you activated the Transwarp Field without notification.
Matt: I also did it with one hand behind my back. Wanna see me activate the clapper?
Gewdeque: But sir, you skipped several standard procedures!
Matt: I did? Oh God what have I done!??
Gewdeque: It's okay, sir. Nothing bad resulted from it.
Matt: Oh, okay.
Gewdeque: What should I do now, sir?
Matt: Uhhh ...Do funny dance.
(She looks over at Ensign Dan in question)
Matt: I said do a funny dance!!
(She starts bending her knees going up and down. Ensign Dan glances at Baetal and then pats Matt on the back)
Ensgin Dan: Well, I'm out. That Baetal guy seems to be on our side.
(Ensign Dan walks out of the room, feeling guilty)
(Seifer crawls the jeffreys tubes, feeling guilty)
Seifer: Maybe I shouldn't be conducting secret dealings behind my Captain's back...
*Velum(goes on screen): Seifer! We're just about ready. I hope you're not feeling guilty conducting secret dealings behind your Captain's back?
Seifer: No, no, of course not. There are just a few precautions I have to take before I meet with you.
*Velum: Don't even worry about it. Besides, you've already taken all the possible precautions necessary.
Seifer(nods): True. I did have to wax a security dog on Deck 12 so that he'd feel too awkward to bark at me when I have to sneak by.
*Velum: You see, everything is going to work out. We will see you in a couple hours, old friend.
Seifer: I thought we weren't old friends.
*Velum(looks down): I know, but I just get so lonely in this business...
Seifer(avoids eye contact): --Uhhh, ooh-kay. --I think I hear that dog barking...
(He runs away scared)
(The Phoenix-X sits out in front of the Sector 894 Engine Apex Station, scarcely running its Transwarp Field)
(Shane liquefies inside the empty Dance Club during closed hours. He unlocks the door and lets Lieutenant Elly inside)
Elly(holding bags of chips): That BOB guy never figures out how we always get Salt and Vinegar in here.
Shane: I dunno. I think he might be on to us.
(Suddenly BOB emerges from the shadows)
BOB: Aha! I knew it was you, Changeling!
Shane(points): It wasn't just me. It was Elly too!
(BOB looks at Elly)
Elly: Oh come on BOB, how else are we going to get the foods we want in here!?
(Ensign Dan suddenly enters, half asleep from his Quarters. He walks past them towards the Replicator on the wall)
Ensign Dan: Mine is broken for some reason; I think it's interference from the Transwarp Field. --Computer, Bajoran Trove Minimum and... maybe some chips--Salt and Vinegar.
(The food appears in a tray in the replicator machine. He picks it up and leaves. Shane glances at BOB)
Shane: If he gets something, I get something.
(Gewdeque approaches the Transwarp Field Data Screen, in Main Engineering)
Gewdeque: You know, that Darude person is running the Field on all its extreme levels and weaknesses.
Matt(working): I know. He's testing its boundaries. Why do you keep making me say things I already know?
Gewdeque: I'm sorry, sir. It's just that one of these frequencies effects replicated material.
(Suddenly the drinking water in the Water Tank turns green)
Amos(trying to refill it): Oh no! My job! --I failed you, sir!
(Amos resigns his post at the Water Tank in shame)
(An Ensign leads Commander Seifer down a hallway into Transporter Room 2. No one else is in there)
Seifer: You want to do this exchange on my ship?
*Velum(goes on a screen): Yes! Administrator Hwoarang won't let your people on the Station if you won't let his people on your ship.
Seifer: It's nothing personal. We just don't like his hair cut.
(Seifer puts a suitcase filled with latinum on a control panel)
Seifer: I got the money. Okay, Ensign, you might want to lock the door before we proceed with the Transport.
(Ensign Dan continues walking down the hallway, with his tray of food, mumbling to himself, half asleep)
Ensign Dan: Stupid Baetal not being a spy. Now no one will respect me and every interaction with the crew will be an embarrassment!
(Someone approaches him)
Samantha: Hey, Ensign Dan? I just wanted to apologize for my kids beating you up the other day.
(Two of her kids come around the corner. Ensign Dan drops his food and runs away, scared of them)
Ensign Dan: Aaahh!!!
(He stops running as Ensign Baetal exits Transporter Room 2 and starts tapping at the Locking mechanism)
Ensign Dan: What are you doing?
Baetal: I'm fixing a problem in here related to the Transwarp Field. Don't ask me how, it's too complicated to explain.
Ensign Dan: Oh, okay.
(The room doors swoop open as Baetal re-enters the Transporter Room. Ensign Dan swiftly sneaks in behind him and hides in the shadows, behind a frame of computers independent from the wall)
Seifer: Who are you anyway?
Baetal: I work with Velum as an insider to all his clients. The thrill of acting is what keeps me alive!
Seifer: Oh. Well everyone knows that actors are nothing without the writers.
Baetal(nods): That is true.
(Ensign Dan stands up and reveals himself from the shadows)
Ensign Dan: So you are a spy!! And all this time you were pretending to be gay.
Baetal: ...Pretending?
Ensign Dan: Under Federation law, I have to arrest you.
(Ensign Dan nears him and grabs for his arms)
Baetal(backs away): Whoa, whoa, hold on. At least give me a chance to escape.
(Baetal jets for the exit, but Ensign Dan tackles him to the floor)
Ensign Dan: Gotcha! --And you, Commander, I can't believe you!
Seifer: Don't look at me-- I'm undercover with the Captain to expose the black market!
Baetal(struggling): What??
(Velum and two Bodyguards beam in on the Transporter padd. He aims the Silillian Destroyer at Ensign Dan and Baetal)
Velum: Stop right there!
(Gewdeque checks the Transwarp Field Data)
Gewdeque: Sir, the Transwarp Field is destabilizing!
Matt: Why?? --Who's in charge here?
Gewdeque: You are!
Matt: Oh yeah. Contact Darude. He'll have all the answers.
*Darude(goes on screen): I have no idea!
Matt: But I didn't even ask you the question yet!
*Darude: Oh. Well, I assumed it was about the mating rituals of Fish.
Matt: No. The Field is destabilizing for no reason!!
*Darude: Oh, that may be due to Matter Transport. Maybe someone is beaming off or onto your ship?
Gewdeque: What should we do, sir?
Matt: I don't know!! I hate giving orders and commands. I wish it wasn't part of my job!
(Matt leaves Engineering)
Gewdeque(glances at Darude): --He's been working for 36 hours straight.
(Matt walks through the Decks and passes the Captain)
Daniel: Hey, Matt, have you seen Commander Seifer?
Matt: No!!
(Matt walks away)
Daniel: Jeez. A simple No would have sufficed.
(Daniel approaches Seifer's Quarters and presses the doorbell panel)
Daniel: Seifer? I think I may have an idea to get those missing people out of the Cloaking Device room. We can use that waxed dog to sniff them out!
(There's no response)
Daniel: Seifer? Oh no. --Computer, locate Commander Seifer.
*Computer: Commander Seifer is in Transporter Room 2.
(Daniel liquefies into a long strand and shoots through the floor)
Velum: Stop right there!
(Velum aims the Destroyer at Ensign Dan and Baetal who are fighting, rolling around on the floor)
Ensign Dan(stops): Ohhh. You meant us.
Velum: I have business to conduct. Let's get this over with before someone else catches us.
(The Daniel liquid enters the room and takes shape)
Daniel: Aha! I caught you!
(Velum shoots him and Daniel re-liquefies all over the floor)
Velum(opens his briefcase): Don't worry, he's only dissolved.
Baetal: Velum, don't!! Seifer is working undercover to expose you!
Velum: What!?
Seifer: It's not true!!
Velum: That's it! I'm out of here.
(Baetal grabs the latinum and activates the Transporter System. Velum, his two Bodyguards and Baetal step onto the Transporter Pad and beam out)
Seifer: That did not go as I planned.
(The Daniel liquid regains its omni-X strength and takes shape)
Daniel: Aha! I caught you!
Ensign Dan: Captain, the weapons dealers are getting away with the ship's only latinum!
Daniel: After them!
(Ensign Dan gets onto the Transporter Pad and beams out)
Daniel: I can't believe you got this far, Seifer!
(He taps his commbadge)
Daniel: Where the hell is Security!? There are four weapons Dealers on the lose!
(Meanwhile, Kugo and Matt are at the Club sitting at a table, talking)
Kugo(taps her commbadge): Right here, Captain. You know, there are more important problems out there like someone else's feelings!
(She refers to Matt)
*Daniel: Arggghhh!!!
Kugo: Come on, Matt. Let's fix this Transwarp Field problem.
Matt: Are you sure? I mean, there are four black-market Dealers on the lose.
Kugo: Yeah, someone'll eventually catch them.
(Ensign Dan beams into the Dining Area of the Station where the four Dealers are across the room. They fire phasers at him as he ducks under the tables)
Velum: Where is he!?
(Ensign Dan rolls across the floor to hit a button on the wall. All the tables suddenly start slanting by the command of the computer. The food all falls to the floor and holes in the walls start sucking in all the garbage)
Ensign Dan: Whoa. I've never been in an alien Club before.
(He makes his way behind all the tables towards the four who can't see him anywhere)
Velum: Shoot the tables!!
(They fire randomly at tables, blowing them into the air. Ensign Dan crawls out from the nearest table and trips Velum to the floor. He gets his weapon and aims it at Baetal)
Velum: Watch out! It's the Silillian Destroyer!
(Baetal fires his own phaser at Ensign Dan. Ensign Dan dodges it and suddenly fires the Silillian Destroyer at him)
Baetal: Aahh!!!--!!--!
(Velum escapes by pressing a handheld device, which beams him back to his previous location. He finds himself on the Phoenix-X)
Velum: Oops.
(He tries beaming back, but can't)
(Kugo and Matt finish off in Engineering)
Kugo: There. These changes I made cover the Transporter layers too.
*Darude: Amazing! She's better than I am.
Matt: Whoa! The Field is almost as powerful as Deflector Shields!
(Matt suddenly faints. Everyone looks at him)
*Darude: --He's been working 36 hours straight.
(Administrator Hwoarang goes on screen on the Bridge of the Phoenix-X)
*Hwoarang: I'm very glad the tune up to your Transwarp Engines was no problem.
Daniel: Thank you for your help. I'm sorry I don't have the money to pay you.
*Hwoarang: That is alright. These criminals you left me with are sufficient enough. There is a considerably high reward for their capture in many Territories around here.
Seifer: What!? We could've had the reward!
(Daniel raises his hand, signalling Armond to cut the audio)
Armond: No. Not unless you ask me straight out.
Daniel: Fine, nevermind about the audio. I'll deal with you later, Seifer.
(Ensign Dan is in 10-Forward telling everyone about his capture)
Ensign Dan: And then I tore his arm off with the Silillian Destroyer!
(Samantha's kids): Awesome!
GoyCho: Yeah right. Kayl, can you read his mind and tell us if he's telling the truth?
Kayl(trying to glue hairs back on a dog): I'm off duty.
Ensign Dan: No, it's okay, I made a Holographic recreation of it.
(He shows them a video on an electronic padd. "Ensign Dan crawls out from the nearest table and trips Velum to the floor. He gets his weapon and aims it at Baetal. Baetal fires his own phaser at Ensign Dan. Ensign Dan dodges it and suddenly fires the Silillian Destroyer at him, tearing off his left arm. The arm goes flying to the wall with blood everywhere. Baetal falls to his knees, crying")
(Samantha's kids): That's so cool!
Seifer: Oh man. I wanted to see Ensign Dan's Holo-Video demonstration of the Silillian Destroyer.
(Daniel meets with Seifer, Kugo and Matt in his Ready Room)
Daniel: Since you did a bad thing, I'm going to do your job for you today.
Seifer: Oooo, I feel so punished.
Daniel: You should. The satisfaction of just doing your job is fulfilment enough in our line of business, since we never get paid to travel space.
Seifer(lowers his head): Oh man...
Daniel(stands): Kugo, I'm putting you back in charge in Engineering, since you can't even do your job as Security.
Kugo: Who's going to take Security?
Daniel: Ensign Dan.
Seifer: Oh that's just crazy talk! Then you have to promote him to Lieutenant, or Lieutenant Commander!
Daniel: No I don't. Besides, I think Ensign is his first name.
Matt(hands over a padd): Well I'm glad to report that the Transwarp Engines are in perfect condition.
Seifer You're glad?
Matt: Not really.
(He suddenly faints. Everyone looks at him)
Kugo: --He's been up for over 36 hours.
(Red takes the Helm and undocks the Phoenix-X from the Sector 894 Engine Apex Centre)
Red: I cannot believe someone waxed my dog.
(The Phoenix-X rotates away from the station and the planet and Transwarps out of there)
THE END
