Episode 93A

Star Trek: Phoenix-X
"Celestial Dynamics, Part I"

Out in the incomprehensible breadth of empty, interstellar space, in the year 2400, the Prometheus-class U.S.S. Phoenix-X lingered indifferently and offhandedly within the confines of duty and workplace amicability. Commander Night Seifer took to the center command chair and his usual viewscreen of the stars.

"Space, the final frontier," the Trill squinted. "Our continuing mission, to point at stuff in awe and wonder. To boldly sit back and gossip about Lieutenant Commander Veker and his unapologetic idiosyncrasies."

Armond started from tactical. "Can you believe how he's always into exploration and wanting to go where no man has gone before?"

"Comrades. As a Klingon serving on a Federation vessel, I'd like to offer a non-aggressive diversion to the activity on our sub-standard 4:3 ratio viewscreen," Red suggested from the helm whilst gesturing to the Vorgon Xyfius-class, V.S.V. Yolanda dropping out into normal space, right in front of them.

Commander Seifer was momentarily taken aback. "Ahh! I mean, finally, an encounter of sorts."

"Sorry to just encounter you," came the onscreen call of a non-binary Vorgon named Ueun. "But we are from the future. Your future Starfleet and ours joined forces in a Temporal Cold War battle in the 29th century and we chased off a tangential Na'Kuhl who went mad from it and began time-travelling in chaos."

The Commander recollected. "Ohh, yeah. Also, not you guys again? Why are temporal escapades a mechanism for everything now? Where is the originality? Is trying a thing that's too hard?"

"Yes, and it's probably at the bottom of every temporal architect-writer's paper bin. The point is, our time-dilating instruments have tracked this man's next incursion to this point in history, but we are unable to narrow the incoming location."

Seifer arched a brow. "Sayjan. He will forever be the bane of my existence, occasionally, when we have to deal with him. Unfortunately, this time, I must concede predetermined defeat based on past failure. We can barely make it to our overly inflated Frontier, Federation and First Contact Days." Then, changing his demeanour, he added, "Next year, though. The Enterprise-F is decommissioning early for fireworks' sakes, despite being in the best condition of its life."

"Comparatively, Starbase 55 says the Phoenix-X won't be decommissioned for a few more centuries because our letter is so high," offered Briggs from operations.

Ueun snapped, involuntarily. "Your ship goes on way too long! But your native timelining, as well as your penchant for buffering ridiculousness is the perfect match for a time-crazed maniac, bent on temporal anarchy."

"Some Captains do call us the Jack Pack of the fleet," Seifer pondered. "I once horse-whispered the U.S.S. Crazy Horse out of an Erik Pressman dedication plaque. Talk about a wild-eyed Badmiral with Riker-controlling intensity."

The other Captain nodded. "He is a legend to cloak-enthusiasts in the future— but the really dumb ones. In the meantime, I will come aboard for strategic operations. Do starships of your time employ officers specifically for this, like Deep Space 9 did?"

"Yeah, no one has been able to replicate the pure synthesis of that crew makeup and their impeccable drama. Just look at how overdone Section 31 is now," Seifer suggested. "Anyway, I'll have our Ferengi bartender welcome you. He's very original."

---

Later, Seifer, Ueun and several staff met in the Conference room as the Ferengi BOB was entering, seemingly late.

"There you are! We submitted our food orders over an hour ago," the Commander complained. "And where is your apron and poofy chef's hat? You know we have Voyager-level standards to uphold."

BOB blinked, confused. "Sir? You’re aware that I left the ship long ago in search of the person who engineered the Beguiler Operators into a non-Ferengi twenty-six letter alphabet?"

"Ohhh, right. That was last week?" Kayl snapped her fingers.

The Ferengi double-taked. "It was eight years ago!"

"The point is, you're always leaving at different times, for various mysterious reasons. Which is the perfect first taste into the madness that Sayjan will douse upon this mashed-up crew of misfits!" Seifer declared in excitement. "But, seriously, do not venerate him."

BOB nodded. "Agreed. In fact, I've come back because my El Aurian information broker has given me troubling intelligence concerning that very same time traveller."

"Seriously, can people just stop making temporal mechanics their go-to?" Elly criticized. "Is a fresh encounter with a helpless alien species, where we are clearly the superiors, too much to ask?"

The Ferengi continued. "It's not and, to your point, he's going to disrupt the fabric of space-time in the vulnerable Tilonian system."

"Ohh! Perfect. But didn't we destroy those people's sun years ago out of a fit of incompetency?" Ensign Dan inquired.

Seifer snapped. "What!? That was the Tiloniam system and it was Dominion collateral damage. You're relieved!" As he watched the Ensign exit, the Doctor began to exposit.

"Ah, the young-but-now-old, never-promoted Ensign has a point," Lox admitted. "Long ago, the Tilonians were a splintered people, half of whom attempted to colonize another system as a solution. After we couldn't stop the Tiloniam star from its unnatural expulsion, the evacuated colony went back to their original home and reverted to their old in-fighting shenanigan ways."

Kugo added, "Five years after that, we failed to stop a different kind of incursion into that original home system and, once again, fractured what little progress they made. It was a Thursday. I had plomeek pudding."

"Ugh. I sprained my commanding arm from over-pointing that day," the Commander recalled while tapping his finger on the table. "We must not waver anew. Help the Tilonians by preventing another existential relapse or, at the very least, we send them a supportive text with three accompanying 'thumbs up' emojis."

"Ever since the Synth ban was lifted, people have been going hard with those," Hachi observed.

Seifer nodded. "Technology is finally merging with everyday life and it's important we're not afraid of it. The future is going to be amazing!"

---

Later, the Phoenix-X and the Yolanda dropped out of transwarp into the Tilonian system where the Tilonian starship Ruoven was confronting the 29th century Paladin-class, U.S.S. Atlantis-R and a small, faint temporal anomaly in space.

"Do you honestly believe you stand a chance against them?" Commander Seifer questioned to a perplexed Tilonian Captain Ihruv.

He blinked. "Well, of course not. Be we have to do something to protect our spiny lobe-fish. His presence before the Sacred Disorder is fueling conspiracy theories, and you know how gaslighting is an art now." Then, noticing, "Wait. The Phoenix-X? Ohhhh, no you don't. Shoo! Get on. Git! Skedaddle!"

"You might not realize this, but the universal translator is having a field day with your expletives," Seifer observed. "Also, please do not fret. Our intentions are to help and stop Sayjan at all costs. For realsies this time."

BOB stepped forward. "How did the Na'Kuhl acquire that Starfleet temporal starship again? Tell me said Captain got double court marshalled?"

"It was your rogue Section 31 Agent Rave who went to the 29th century and modified the temporal-fitted Atlantis-R to answer to just one crewmember through a neural link," Ueun explained. "He wanted to boost his future-version agency through streamlined combat. After he was defeated, Sayjan took over, but not before the ship was infused with a temporal surge."

Seifer examined the viewscreen. "That's what's driving him mad, isn't it? Like a giant tardigrade on a darkened Crossfield-class starship with a non-stop adrenalin-pumping crew."

"Except, we talk normal speed," suggested Science officer Veker. "And, if we can sever that link, Sayjan would lose control of his time-jumping. A modified antichroniton pulse may be the brilliant solution we were destined."

Kayl threw up her hands. "Yeah, but now you've gone and jinxed it with self-awareness. Outing your knowledge devalues it thrice over!"

"It doesn't matter what you know," came the sudden viewscreen call from Sayjan aboard the Atlantis-R. "Knowledge leads to order, and order leads to rules. Rules about time travel. Time travel should be for everyone!"

Seifer squinted. "Yeah, but what if you're really bad at it? Even those guys?"

"Especially those guys! The Na'Kuhl advocate a strong and supportive, all-inclusive non-linear learning environment where welcoming and friendship are interchangeable and twirly."

The Commander calmed. "That's actually very sweet. I'm not sure why everyone has it out for you guys?"

"And, to get there, I will ascend to a higher state and slaughter the children of your ancestors, and then those ancestors themselves, tenfold! Hahaha! Rasmussen!"

Then, realizing, "Ohhh, yeah. There it is. You see, the inclusiveness part was good, but the murdering-to-get-there is where it diverges. Also, apt choice for a swear word."

"Ugh!" BOB clutched his head in pain, to the Commander's notice.

Seifer stepped over. "BOB, are you alright? You look like a Vidiian with Terrellian plague on Boranis III. So, pretty rough."

" —Commander, the Atlantis-R is engaging a highly charged temporal beam into the space in front of it," Tong reported from tactical. "It's a what's-what cocktail of time travel particulars!"

Sayjan squeed, externally. "This, I'm super-proud of. I've blended a scientifically astute concoction of chronometrically energized chronitons, boosted by a choronometic surge to enact a space-time revulsion upon the Tilonian's precious Sacred Disorder anomaly."

"You already have control over time travel. How does an anomalous aggravation further your temporal freedoming?" Seifer queried. "Clearly, your over-entitlement needs a Kirk-boot to the Kruge."

While struggling, BOB stepped forward to keep his balance. "Commander, there's something I found during my search for the creator of the Beguiler Operators. Where I thought we were all genetically bred, alphabetically, it turns out we were also all chock-full of cybernetic implants."

"This could not be a worse time," Seifer deadpanned.

BOB shook his head. "That's just the thing. Our creator died years ago, so I had the El Aurian, Keppler, activate my implants to learn more about them. My first lesson? I can now sense Sayjan's chronitons pulling at me like Benjamin Sisko time-pulling his son in the most episodically dramatic way."

"Oh, that was a tear-jerker of a mission report," Seifer realized. "Veker, engage the antichroniton pulse I imagine you've been prepping during all this chaotic banter. It's why I doubled my senior staff."

The Kelpien tapped, frantically. "It's not working? Some kind of viral-firewall is interfering with the commands and aggravating ship main systems? Like a cascading Iconian subroutine hopped up on Badgeys!"

"Phoenix-X, I'll take responsibility for that," came the fourth split in the main viewscreen from the grey-haired Admiral Theseus, long-range daisy-chaining from Starbase 55. "You see, I could not risk that you hadn't checked your text messages ordering you to not engage with Sayjan so he could complete his task."

Seifer did a triple-take as the Phoenix-X began shaking. "What??"

" —Ah! We have, like, forty-seven unread messages. Most of which are angry emojis," Tong noticed from his console. "And some are vegetable ones?"

Theseus continued. "Ignore those! Also, don't let the red-faced smilies delude you. You've been an excellent protégé, Commander Seifer, assisting me with fleet operational placements." He paused in simple reverie. "Rerouting all those Inquiry-class starships to the Zheng-He last year was brilliant. But, alas, like the Admiralty, there are differing levels of being that must be properly satiated. I am one of those beings." 

"Dammit. That's on us not preparing for your annual betrayal." Seifer pinched the bridge of his nose. "Ueun, is there anything your 27th century starship can do?"

The Vorgon shook their head while checking their wrist-PADD. "Against a 29th century Federation vessel? We don't have regulated antichronitons, but we are attempting an inverse tachyon pulse." Then, "Admittedly, an inventive Starfleet crew from two centuries earlier was calculated to be more of an advantage over us pink fish-looking fishy-fish guys. Yeah, we know."

"Hmm. Yes, yes. That actually is sound logic," Seifer agreed before tapping his commbadge. "Bridge to Engineering. Deploy the Amp/Mayhem Anti-viral Package." He turned to the others to explain. "We've had a few Virus Holographic crew members before and we reverse-engineered the random holographic grooming stuff from their bathrooms. You know, combs, toothbrushes and so on." 

Gewdeque replied from Engineering. "Releasing nasal spray subroutines, now!"

"So minty. Command lockout is breathing freely now. Engaging pent-up pulse," Veker announced to an agreeable Seifer before the Phoenix-X joined the Yolanda in a deflector-beam push into the highly energized Atlantis-R and its own feed into the anomaly. 

But it wasn't enough and both the Atlantis-R and BOB slowly lit up in a flash and then disappeared from the temporal plane. Theseus, on screen, in his office, checked his long-range sensors to confirm. "Infecting the Phoenix-X was the only way to ensure those pulses timed with the end of his chroniton cocktail feed, so as to not explode him for future-use."

"We have soooo much evidence of your treasonous tampering and a hazy clue as to your motives," Seifer countered before Kugo checked status and shook her head, grimly.

Theseus smirked. "You have no evidence, and don't bother inquiring on my intentions or looking for the Atlantis. You could say, such things are... out of time?"

"They time travelled. We get it. That's the thing they do," Seifer deadpanned as the screen cut back to a two-way split between the Tilonian officer and the now-brighter anomaly.

Captain Ihruv clasped his hands. "Ooh! The Sacred Disorder is now shinier. We could use that to our political advantage. I'll say we aligned the solar system's celestial gravitational mental health. We're a psychiatric-based society if you hadn't noticed." His communique cut out and the Ruoven turned back toward Tilonus IV.

"So, BOB is gone," Seifer realized before putting two-and-two together. "He's back in the past, helping us with our first Sayjan encounter and creating this anomaly, isn't he? Ugh. Predictable time stuff."

---

Back in the deep past, the Ferengi named BOB flashed in aboard the Prometheus-class U.S.S. Phoenix-X, into one of its corridors. There, he found rogue officer RaeLuna and Klingon exchange officer Targon about to kiss.

"RaeLuna. What's today's date? The date!" BOB demanded.

Exchanging hesitating looks, RaeLuna replied, "Stardate 56845. It's the year 2379. What's wrong? Are you moving back and forth through time?" Then, explaining, "It's the base question everyone asks when they're time travelling. Don't be surprised. Actually, you get to replicate an honorary Picard-inspired time robe. Ohhh. So comfy! I'm jealous."