Remake 3A

Star Trek: Phoenix-X
Flortarios III Remake

The Prometheus-class U.S.S. Phoenix-X barreled through the sickly, vacuous emptiness of ice, hard space. Daniel sat patiently behind the desk of his Ready Room that was connected to the Bridge.

"Captain," came the comm-call over the air from Ensign Dan. "Receiving a communication from Starfleet Command."

Daniel rolled his eyes. "Ugh. That one trick pony organization again? It's always something with them."

"Are you berating us? You know that's illegal!" interrupted Admiral Cloud from the desktop viewscreen. "Anyway, I'm just here at Earth for a conference about starbases. Odd that we would even need one of those, but you know Starfleet. We love our conferences."

The Captain nodded, translating meaning. "Starfleet are imbeciles, sir!"

"At ease, Captain," Cloud calmed. "I just wanted to open a deeper conversation about what's to come with one important question: Have you ever heard of Flortarios III?"

Just then, the sudden musical sting 'dun, dun, dun!' flanked them from all around.

"That's just a thing I had programmed into any starships under my command. It's random and frequent, so I hope you like it."

---

Meanwhile, Commander Gotens and the Ferengi BOB found themselves in the Messhall, having lunch at one of the standard issue tables. BOB's sights were set upon another Starfleet officer taking a seat on another table at the other end of the dining area.

"See that Humaaan, over there?" BOB began. "That's Damon Smith, a scientist the U.S.S. Xena picked up from Flortarios III to help study the anomaly."

Gotens tried to stick a fork in his Andorian krill-beast steak. "First of all, I approve all crew transfers, so not knowing this means I was sleep-Commanding again. Second, how do you know so much about everything? That's clearly a Quark rip-off attribute."

"True, but my methods of information gathering are based on surveys I spam everyone with," BOB confirmed. "Survey?"

The Commander took a PADD from BOB. "Oh! I love doing these."

"Daniel to Gotens and BOB," came the call over air. "The security cameras have you sitting with each other. Can you please report to my Ready Room?"

Gotens tapped his commbadge. "Yes, Captain. But can we remove those things from our living quarters?"

"You know our camera coverage needs to rival that of the Enterprise-refit! Now get here, fast, and ensure you keep your best angles!"

---

Later, upon the Bridge of the Phoenix-X, Doctor Damon Smith, a human in a Starfleet uniform, tapped furiously at a console in the back, reading data from a nearby white spatial anomaly. The rest of the crew were present.

"Well, this splurge of white, flowing cosmic energy isn't as interesting as I thought," he deadpanned. "Literally, there are 1936 Ford trucks adrift that are worth more of our attention."

Daniel turned his command chair in his direction. "A lot of them come from Sigma Iotia II which launches them into space as a form of Mafia-style payment to us."

"Anyway. You know these anomalies. Always anomalying," Damon catch-phrased.

BOB tilted his head. "That doesn't sound very scientific, or catch-phrasey? But, then again, what would myself, a Ferengi with an all-caps name, know?"

"Exactly! Also," Ensign Dan turned from his console. "Receiving a communication from Starfleet Command!"

Daniel awoke, suddenly, from his 60 second slumber. "YOU'RE RELIEVED!" Then snapping back to reality, "Damn. I was having that dream where I was surrounded by Ensigns again. I mean, on screen."

"Captain," came the hail from Admiral Cloud. "In addition to my earlier contact, I must report that recent Intel indicates you have a spy onboard coordinating a trade with the Dominion."

Daniel sat up. "Oh, snap! That's like a Garak, but for the enemy for real this time."

"Agreed," Cloud added. "We have identified the spy. He is the Ferengi to your right."

The Captain stood. "I knew it! Security, escort BOB to the Brig!"

"Wait. What? The only illegal thing I've done so far is ship tube grubs in discarded uniform versions," BOB said as he was dragged away on heals by security officers Elly and Jergen. "You change uniforms way too much!"

Cloud nodded as he watched the turbolift doors close in on the nuisance. "He's not wrong. Anyway, your new mission is to go to Flortarios III, the capital trade planet I mentioned, and intercept that Dominion trade. They say it's tulaberry wine, but our sources confirmed it to be stolen Starfleet weapons. The two have near-identical registration codes, so they're easy to mix up."

"Of course," Daniel realized. "BOB must be a code name! The all-caps should've been my first clue."

The Admiral continued. "Appears obvious now. There is also a chip that specific Dominion trade crew has. I want you to get it. You'll recognize it by its early-stage-Ibudan-clone-blob cover icon. Turns out they really like to immortalize clones as chip logos."

"On it," Captain Daniel confirmed. "And is Flortarios just a mash-up of Florida and Ontario? Were the colonizers an American and a Canadian? Seems they could've done better?"

---

In no time, the Phoenix-X found itself in orbit of Flortarios III, with the pretense of trading surplus Tranwarp coils for real krill beast steaks.

"Alright, I'll beam down first and signal for you guys," Captain Daniel planned.

Gotens nodded. "Okay, but can we get actual steaks after this? I mean, I know it's a cover, but it can also be legit. We don't have to fake stuff all the time just to be cool."

"Captain! I'm detecting an unauthorized transport off the Phoenix-X," reported Lieutenant Armond over comms. "They tried to mask it with layers of Harry Kim's clarinet practices, but I listen to nails on chalkboard in my spare time!"

Daniel pondered. "Hmm. Cross-check the crew's daily 'here' list-on-lined-loose-leaf-papers. In the meantime, I'll continue on with the expectation that the mysteries intersect. They always intersect."

---

Later, in a dark cargo bay within a maintenance building upon Flortarios III's largest cities, Jem'Hadar Third Tunn'Kort entered to find his First and Second talking to each other.

"Did our spy contact you?" First Ruk'Tenon queried the Second.

Second Cag'Vit nodded. "He has escaped the Phoenix-X and reports they will soon intercept us. You remember what he looks like, right?"

"I recall that he is extremely ugly, like borderline Tellarite-Pakled-hybrid ugly," Ruk'Tenon shuddered before noticing Tunn'Kort. "Ah, Third! You know ugliness, right? You were trying to create that Jem'Hadar female that one time."

Third Tunn'Kort shook his head in what appeared as horrid-reminiscence. "That was a terrible cloning mistake. She kept asking for equal rights? Like, what even is that? If I knew, I probably would have given it to her. But I didn't even know what she was talking about?"

"It's okay, Third," Ruk'Tenon calmed. "She's making cars on Sigma Iotia II now. In the meantime, I want you and your team to secure the area and prepare to capture the Phoenix-X crew and the Ferengi traders."

Tunn'Kort nodded. "Yes, First. But is it true Starfleet females are employed on their own freewill? Like, what even is freewill?"

"Stop it, Third, before you activate your greater-thinking alert chip and implode your brain!"

---

Later that night, two Ferengi with plasma pistols stood near-aimlessly at the doors of a large transport hangar, after-hours. They were then approached by BOB in flashy spy clothing.

"I am your contact from the Phoenix-X, here to lead the trade," BOB announced.

Wenk did a double-take. "The spy was another Ferengi? Perhaps it makes sense. I just hadn't realized how redundant we were being."

"If you're really one of us," Kehmeh started, "Then what starship viewscreen trait did the Grand Nagus implement on all vessels in the early 2360s?"

BOB shrugged. "That all hails should be on a white backdrop and extremely close-up to advertise Ferengi skin-pore technology?"

"He's one of us, alright," Wenk said, glancing at his partner before allowing BOB inside. "Ah, that feels good," he added as he felt his own cheek bones.

---

On a nearby street, Third Tunn'Kort and his team secluded themselves around corners and rooftops, as they watched a hover transport with a large crate stop in an alleyway to unload five Ferengi black-market traders and BOB.

"They'll be here," assured Kehmeh. "We stole these weapons from Starbase 55. They just left their cargo bay doors open, thinking they were in a trusting neighborhood. Hah! Learn to lock your doors, Federation."

BOB turned from his Ferengi cohort to see five Jem'Hadar approaching. When their eyes met, he asked, "Do you have the chip?"

"Yes," replied First Ruk'Tenon, as he held up a small computer unit and turned to his subordinate. "Second, check the crate, and don't doddle like many Jem'Hadar are known for!"

But, while Second Cag'Vit was confirming their bounty, Gotens and six Away Team members stepped from out the shadows with phaser rifles aimed. "Drop your weapons or prepare for unbelievable pain! Yeah! Woo!" Then, after a beat, "Though, you will get a moment to weigh the pros and cons, because Starfleet is fair, and who likes choosing things so immediately? Suuucccch an annoying sales tactic."

"Now it's eleven against seven," Wenk interjected, aiming at the Commander. "Also, that choosy sales thing got me through some tough financial targets. It's rude, but it fed my family."

BOB then turned to aim his pistol at Kehmeh. "Ten against eight! I once sold a boat-load of kemocite that way but ended up losing all my money to a no-time-to-think Japanese game show."

"Traitor!" Wenk declared in over-the-top realization of BOB's defiance. "And we just met too! You said you were going to my game show taping!"

Ruk'Tenon sized BOB up in confusion. "Betrayal does not necessarily negate the attendance of game show tapings. They can be separate. As separate as one who was supposed to meet the spy from the Phoenix-X. Not just crew?"

"Here I am," came the voice of Damon Smith as he stepped from out of another section of shadows. "Luckily, I reserved that vacant shadowy-spot, as it seems they were filling up fast around here."

Cag'Vit recoiled at the sight of the human. "Ugh! The face! Just like we said!"

"Wow. So, Damon was the spy all along? And BOB was the red herring? Totally didn't see that coming," Gotens observed, completely ensconced in the reveal.

BOB shrugged. "Did you have fun, though? That's the important thing."

"Stop talking about me when I'm in earshot!" argued Damon. "Yeah, I could hear you in the Messhall every time, and I don't have a sister you can ask out!" He then pulled up his own hand phaser on them. "We are going through with this transfer, all gentlemen-like, you hear? You see, Flortarios III is known for all kinds of trades, including cover-of-night commerce. By the partaking of this deal, I've begun this planet's right-of-passage."

Gotens touched his chin in deep thought. "So, the lesson here is 'doing stuff'? I like it. Simple. Easy to convey."

"How about we convey the dropping of their weapons?" Third Tunn'Kort suggested, stepping out of the shadows and aiming a polaron rifle at a surprised Damon, his Ferengi contingent and the other Jem'Hadar. 

Tunn'Kort's body then liquefied and transformed into Captain Daniel, to First Ruk'Tenon's surprise: "A Founder!"

"Shoot everyone except the god!" ordered Second Cag'Vit as he fired a polaron bolt for Gotens, prompting Gotens to duck and phaser him back.

The other Jem'Hadar and Gotens' Away Team opened a chaotic firestorm of energy weapon madness upon each other as the excess Ferengi troop fed themselves back into the hover transport. "Could we have shot the god?" Wenk asked his partner in genuine curiosity of the rules.

"Probably! This planet is weird. They had slaves trading other slaves without the self-aware irony," Kehmeh corroborated as he made the transport hover its way toward the alley exit, but not before Gotens increased his rifle setting and phasered the back of the vehicle into an explosion!

---

Back on the Phoenix-X, the crew detected the situation on the ground with the utmost consternation. The Klingon Exchange Officer, named Red, turned from an alert on his console.

"I'm detecting a fulmination at the site," he reported.

Armond sat up in the center chair. "The boomy-boom, boom kind?" Then he tapped his commbadge. "Bridge to Transporter Room 3. Beam up the Away Team. In their complete bodies this time."

---

On the night-time surface, the energy from the hover explosion was found to interfere with the transport and every Phoenix-X crewmember was beamed out except Gotens, Daniel and BOB who were then surrounded by polaron rifle-aiming Jem'Hadar.

"Woooo, I am your God," Daniel broke, wiggling his fingers like a magician, after an awkward pause. "You mussstt obeyyyy!"

---

A flip-screen-transition later and the three found themselves in a makeshift force-field-bound holding cell on the cargo bay floor of the after-hours maintenance building. The remaining two Ferengi dealers stood next to the three. 

"Honestly, I'm kind of impressed at them," Daniel observed of the Jem'Hadar.

Wenk consolation-prized, "Well, at least we're alive." 

"That's not one of the Rules of Acquisition!" Kehmeh snapped. "And don't 'at-least' the situation. It cheapens the whole thing."

BOB turned to his Federation comrades. "So, did Damon Smith orchestrate this entire thing for trade culture?"

"Sounds like it," Daniel observed. "Exposing him to confirm our Starfleet ability to weed out and recognize spies seems to have unwittingly elevated his status."

Gotens blinked. "The who was the what now?" 

"The what is that you guys messed up this illegal commerce!" Kehmeh continued. "The Flortarians have an habitual moral pass for all types of exchange, and actually encourages unscrupulous transaction."

Daniel facepalmed. "There is so much wrong with that premise that instead of correcting you, I just want to stab you with a giant ear swab." 

He then turned to Jem'Hadar Second Cag'Vit, who was standing guard on the other side of the forcefield. 

"The large-eared, bumpy-topped, whine-fest is correct," the Second confirmed. "We are to hand you over to the locals for some kind of reconditioning, or death in response to your sacrilege. Despite that, they maintain they are great at parties."

Daniel's eyes went wide. "And you're complying for what, moral obligation? Let us out now, or I'll boost your cognitive dissonance with species-based status proclamations and assertive tones!"

Cag'Vit quickly stood at attention. "Jem'Hadar are imbeciles, sir!"

"Fascinating," Gotens observed as Cag'Vit dropped the forcefield. "Oh, not the compliance. The way those Flortarians are running toward us."

Daniel then turned himself into 21st century action star Jackie Chan and multi-punched, dodged and kicked down each attacking opponent until he snatched a Flortarios PADD out of mid-drop. 

"He was so delightful. Anyway, what is up with these people being the opposite of that?" the Captain questioned, reverting to normal as he read a thumbs up icon next to a burglar icon.

Gotens accessed a nearby console, before getting to work on it. "What's up is the erecting of a dampening field to block transporters from the Phoenix-X. My ex-wife did the same thing."

The Captain's attention shifted from Gotens to the large, steel entry being unlocked from the outside. "It's their building and they're willing to engage us in it over a classic deal-gone-south trope? Seems excessive?" Daniel picked up a Federation phaser rifle off a nearby table and fired a sealing beam into the large, closed split. 

"Wife did that too," the Commander added before loud banging from the Flortarians was belted onto the outside of the cargo entrance.

Daniel indicated to the Ferengi to pick up rifles as well. BOB complied whilst taking notice of the situation. "Perhaps they really do relinquish ethical quandary," BOB began. "Enough so, those doors will not hold off much longer, per traded barricade quality versus store-bought. Oh, and the Commander is having trouble."

"Reverse the polarity. Reverse the polarity!" Daniel ordered.

Gotens shook his head as he worked. "That's not just a thing Starfleet officers can do to resolve any situa—" But, after actually doing it mid-sentence, the dampening field was dropped, crescendoed with an overwhelming crowd of chaotic Flortarians bursting through the doors and opening fire. "Huh! Well, that was a silly assumption of mine."

"Daniel to Phoenix-X. Beam us up. Now!" the Captain tapped his commbadge before the group was dematerialized.

---

Meanwhile, Damon Smith was escorted to the Brig by Lieutenant Elly, and then shoved into a holding cell.

"Get in there!" she ordered, sternly.

Damon was thrown to the floor. "Owe! Well, it was all worth it to engage in a thorough trade-run on this planet. Now I am an elite to them."

"But you failed? For that to be true, the collapse of a transaction would have to be just as respected?" she questioned.

The other man clasped his hands. "Hell, yeah it is! I've come to learn it's an unspoken right-of-passage! A broken-down illegal exchange is bragging rights here. Finally, I'm a somebody!" Then he wondered, "By the way, in terms of lawyers, do you guys have Holographic Matlock?"

---

Daniel entered the Bridge to find Tactical officer Armond flirting with Chief Engineer Kugo. 

"Stop that! You know your departments are not allowed to mix!" the Captain snapped. He then turned BOB and Gotens. "As for a more relevant two, congratulations, gentlemen, on a job well done."

BOB shrugged. "So, the Flortarians have trade obsession as a hyper-form of cultural diffusion, brought about by an obsession with old-world commerce?" 

"Pretty obviously that, if you ask me. Also, got this," Daniel mentioned while holding up the microprocessor. "It's a Soong-type emotion chip for Androids. Ever since Data started using one, they've been readily available on the market and are worth a lot."

Gotens watched as it was tossed into a basket of other mission-acquired emotion chips. "We still don't know why we have a Changeling Starfleet Captain and an all-caps civilian Ferengi doing away missions?"

"Welp! That's all the time we have for today," Daniel clasped his hands, dismissing whatever the other guy said. "I say we just leave the mess on the planet for the Enterprise-E to fix." Then, pointing to the view screen, he declared, "Helm. Take us out of here, with attitude!"

Red took a seat at the helm, excitedly, "Yes, sir!" and jumped the ship into warp.