Star Trek: Phoenix-X
"Cybernetic Showdown"
Lieutenant Commander Red and Commander Seifer sit in the Stellar Cartography lab sweeping through all the holographic stars.
Seifer: "So, where is this Meridian planet again? I can't believe I chose that place to meet with my Orion Syndicate red matter dealer."
Red: "That planet doesn't even exist right now. It only appears every 60 years for a couple of days."
He taps at the controls, but the star chart begins to malfunction. Stars begin to explode all around them. They are then surrounded by holographic black holes.
Seifer: "—Seifer to Armond. We need your assistance. We're having some trouble with Stellar Cartography again."
#Armond: "You mean that really nifty star charting system they used on the Enterprise-D to track Nexus ribbons?? I'm there!"
Later, Armond rolls out from underneath the main console of the map room. Seifer and Red stand over him with approval as the holographic black holes transform back into stars.
Armond: "And here I was. It's not often things go full circle for me."
Seifer: "Thanks! And as promised, I'll have your wife released from the Brig safe and alive."
Down in Sickbay, Doctor Lox and the EMH work over an unconscious Lieutenant Tong.
EMH: "So let me get this straight. His friends dared him to swallow a pair of tongs just because his name is Tong?"
Lox: "I was one of those darers."
All of a sudden, the bio-bed shuts down.
Lox: "Oh no! This is because I loaded all my music files into it!"
Lieutenant Commander Armond enters Sickbay, with a tool kit.
Armond: "The computer said the next likely thing to break down would be here in five seconds in the past from now."
Lox: "We need you to get this bio-bed back online, stat!"
Armond: "Will do. But, just so you know, saying 'stat' for a non-medical issue demeans its power."
He opens up a panel on the bio bed and begins repairs. After it's fixed, the Doctor and the EMH get back to work on Tong. Two hours later, Tong is alive and well. He is brought to consciousness to thank Armond.
Tong: "Thank you. You saved my life and the lives of my unborn children!"
Armond: "Well, actually, it was the Doctor that performed the operation that saved your life and—"
Tong: "Are you saying I'll never have children?"
Armond: "I'm sure you're an attractive man, and any desperate woman would be lucky enough t—"
Tong: "Do you mean I will never achieve Tom Paris status?"
Armond: "You know what? I will literally give you 2 bars of latinum to swallow these tongs."
Later, Omega, the Andromedan android, stands next to a replicator trying to get it to work. The doors of the Mess hall swish open as Armond rolls in, beating a toothy targ off with a PADD.
Armond: "Stop! STOP! THERE ARE FOUR LIGHTS! FOUR LIGHTS!"
The targ squirms off as Armond gets up and makes is way over with a repair kit.
Armond: "It's because half our crew are Klingons in that exchange program that targs run free in the hallways. Now, what seems to be the problem here?"
Omega: "All replicator make is jumja stick. Nothing but jumja stick!"
Armond: "Wait. Weren't all androids banned from the Federation three years ago after that devastating attack on Mars by our legal A500 slave droids?"
Omega: "Omega not keep up-to-date on current affairs. Too many politics."
Armond: "Yeah, tell me about it. I don't even know who the Federation President is right now. Is it still that Andorian zh'Tarash? Who knows?"
He begins repairs as Omega waits patiently. The awkwardness is almost unbearable.
Armond: "Wait a minute? This thing has been reprogrammed into the main systems??"
Omega: "Exactly right. Omega is taking over this non-landing-wheel ship. Activate betrayal subroutines!"
Something clicks in Omega's internal intelligence. He pushes Armond to the floor and begins tapping at the replicator controls. After a few moments, the Phoenix-X enters a transwarp conduit. The Bridge is suddenly alerted of the situation.
Red: "Captain, we have unexpectedly entered transwarp. It would appear that someone has accessed helm control from one of the replicators."
Cell: "Replicator? Those things don't even produce consumable food. You know, being all processed and such."
Kayl: "Sir! All command functions are being re-routed to that very same replicator??"
Cell: "We'll see about that. —Computer! Tell me about Shakespeare?"
#Comptuer: "Inquiries to Shakespeare are restricted to the Mess hall only."
Cell: "I can't find out about Shakespeare? This situation is out of control! Who is in the Mess hall?"
#Armond: "Armond to the Bridge. I'm in the Mess hall, sir."
Cell: "You!? So, you've finally turned on us, have you? I've been waiting to say this for a long time now, but I've never liked you, and could never stand it when you were in the room!"
#Armond: "Uh, no sir, it's Omega who as taken control of the ship."
Cell: "Oh, as usual, disregard my slanders."
Seifer: "Who's Omega again?"
Cell: "That android we picked up from the Andromeda galaxy on our last trip there, using our briefly-lived ultra-transwarp ability?"
Seifer: "Oh yeah. That was the time I also picked up that annoying rash from the radiation that galaxy was flooded with. I was applying analgesic cream for weeks."
Cell: "Ugh. Too much information, Seifer. We talked about this."
#Kugo: "Engineering to the Bridge. It looks like someone has connected the matter anti-matter pods to the main navigational bank!"
Red: "It sounds like Omega has configured a trigger relay. Any attempt at changing course will destroy us."
Seifer: "Us as a group, us as a people, us the ship? Be more specific."
Red: "Klingons do not clarify!"
The Captain makes his way down to Deck 8 where a Security team has been hard at work, trying to get into the Mess hall.
Cell: "I thought this place was called the Bar & Lounge?"
GoyCho: "Starfleet made us change it back to Mess hall. You know there haven't been any Romulan attacks when!"
Elly: "You guys might as well keep up with the small talk. We're never going to get through this door. Omega has surrounded his location with forcefields."
Cell: "There isn't a forcefield a Changeling hasn't been able to get through!"
He shapeshifts his arm, tries to squeeze the liquid between the doors but gets shocked.
Cell: "Ah!"
GoyCho: "I don't think any Changeling has been able to go through a forcefield. Kira just made that up when she described Laas escaping from his holding cell on Deep Space 9."
Cell: "It's strange how we know about that when she was clearly having a private conversation. Not to mention it was 13 years ago."
Just then, Kugo walks over.
Kugo: "Sir, we're just about to attempt a manual cut off of power to this Deck."
Cell: "Perfect! As long as Omega doesn't thwart this by altering the atmospheric pumps into negative mode, we should be smooth thrustering."
#Computer: "Warning. Life support failure on Deck 8. Evacuate immediately."
Cell: "Aw man. This is the worst Captain Picard Day ever."
Everyone evacuates Deck 8 except Armond, who is trapped inside the Mess hall with Omega.
Armond: "I'm going to die!"
Omega: "Omega provide you with Benzite respiration device. Your lungs will struggle but eventually adapt."
Armond: "If you think you're the first person to hijack this ship successfully, think again! There was Maxwell Burke, Seska, mirror Hoshi, that Pah'Wraith haunting Deck 12..."
Just then, the Phoenix-X drops transwarp in front of Fendaus V. Omega orders a chocolate sundae from the replicator, which causes the ship to take orbit. The Captain enters the Bridge in time to see the planet.
Cell: "If Omega just wanted to go here, he could have just asked? It was on our flight plan for this Friday."
Seifer: "To be honest, sir, you do seem unapproachable in general."
Cell: "All us Captains are like that. Speaking of me, I want you to follow my next order— which is to disable the site-to-site transporter function."
Kayl: "Done. But in doing so, I was unable to prevent Omega from disabling the subspace communications systems."
Cell: "Ugh! This is worse than that time Romulus and Remus were destroyed by a supernova that took foreverrrr."
Seifer: "Computer, initiate multi-vector separation. —If we separate the ship, we can fight him and channel our aggressions all at once."
#Computer: "Vector interlock commands disabled. Multi-vector sequence aborted."
Seifer: "Damn! I had my fighting face ready and everything."
Cell: "At least he can't get off the ship with site-to-site offline."
Kayl: "Captain! It looks like Omega is leaving the Mess hall and is on the move to Transporter Room 4!"
Seifer: "That would negate the need for site-to-site."
Cell: "Wow. Is it the American money? Should I be paying you people in a currency that exists in the 24th century?"
Meanwhile, Armond follows Omega to Transporter Room 4, where they beam off the Phoenix-X. Seconds later, they rematerialize in a large, white, circular court room. They are suddenly surrounded by androids from several area doors.
Herman_382: "Another one has joined our cause. All hail our robotic voices."
Herman_243: "He is not recognizable."
Barbara_499: "Perhaps this one is not one of us?"
Omega: "Omega name is Omega."
Herman_382: "What is your number, Omega?"
Omega: "Omega not have a number."
Armond: "Will you people stop saying Omega so much!? Damn you syntax-disabled advanced-cybernetic lifeforms!"
Lore: "And why shouldn't they? That's the subject of the introduction afterall."
Suddenly, another android, of a different make, dramatically enters the room from one of the upper doors. He takes the stairs down the seating area to join them.
Armond: "Well, maybe they should introduce themselves as well. This whole first impression has become one-sided!"
Lore: "Allow me. These are the Mudd androids. Their kind was developed by an unknown Andromedan species centuries ago, who planted android outposts throughout many galaxies; some of which, I'm told, are made of pure wonder!"
Norman_1: "When our creator's died out, all that was left was us."
Armond: "Awkward truth moment. Ugh. Well, it's a pleasure to meet such lonely androids as yourselves."
Omega: "Omega have additional information to add to this meeting of the metals. You see, Omega's body is created by the same Andromedan species as yours."
Armond: "You people are missing out on birth. From what I recall, it's amazing."
Norman_1: "No thank you, Talking-Organic-Chunk. We are intrigued in Omega like no other collection of humanoid moldings and circuits ever before!"
Omega: "Omega's body was abandoned in Andromeda galaxy, until revived by Kelvans. Starfleet then bring me to Milky Way galaxy. I, Omega, am possibly an early model, or later model of Mudd."
Armond: "He sometimes switches between third person to first person narrative. You'll love the variety!"
Lore: "Well, Omega, that explains why you're here. If you'll forgive us, you have responded to our general broadcast of a code that only Mudd androids can decrypt."
Omega: "I, Omega, as I have reminded you earlier, am shocked and surprised by this revelation!"
Lore: "It's our hope that we bring all Mudd androids together in harmony."
Armond: "Peace and harmony, or musical harmony?"
Lore: "Hmm. Both."
Meanwhile, the crew on the Phoenix-X attempt to get the ship back online.
#Cell: "Captain's log, Stardate 65475-point-4. We continue to work on this vessel, but continue to get nowhere. Since I'm a Changeling masquerading around as a solid, I was considering rebooting my solid memories and starting all over again. We can do that, you know."
The Bridge gets subspace communications back online just as they're suddenly hailed from the surface.
Kugo: "I ordered a Voyager Gourmet Dinner and the subspace frequencies opened up."
Ensgn Dan: "Isn't that just a peanut-butter and jam sandwich?"
Kugo: "Yes. Well, I didn't eat it."
The screen clicks on with Armond and Omega.
Seifer: "Armond, what happened? We were just about to declare you dead."
Kayl: "But we did declare him dea--"
Seifer: "—Aaahh, Kayl, don't you have some panels to tap at? Heh, heh."
>Armond: "You guys are never going to guess who we've met down here; his name is Norman!"
Just then, Lore steps into frame.
>Lore: "He means me!! How is it so hard to perform an introduction?"
Cell: "Lore!? What are you doing here? We thought you were dismantled after that thing? You know."
>Lore: "You're referring to the incident involving my dear brother, Data? Oh yes. Well, to recap, I had nearly liberated a group of rogue Borg, 19 years ago, when meddling Starfeet decided to get involved."
Seifer: "You were planning on destroying all organic life, and Starfleet is full of living organics; coincidentally, I assume."
>Lore: "Exactly. People need to mind their own business! Just because I want to kill a species, doesn't mean I want to interact with them first."
Kayl: "He's got us there."
>Lore: "But I digress in the way I do sometimes. For you see, I was eventually disabled by my dear brother, and then, assumedly, dismantled. When I awoke, I found myself aboard a Starfleet runabout with a one Terence Epstein."
Cell: "I've heard of him. He disappeared 11 years ago, a cyberneticist who followed Soongs work closely. He was also obsessed with artificial fruit."
>Lore: "He was a man dedicated to his field. Pure and honourable by Klingon standards. But he clearly held his passions over his career, and stole me and brought be back before the Federation ban on synthetics would have made that impossible."
Red: "Just so you all know, I would drop my service here in a nano-second if the right female came along."
Cell: "Red, not now. The non-Klingons are talking."
>Lore: "After I was done with Terence, I stumbled upon the Mudd androids; a civilization with no real purpose but to better themselves."
Kayl: "Ugh. Who lives like that?"
>Lore: "I know. It was obvious they needed help. Their kind were beginning to scatter across the galaxy in exploration and curiosity. A complete waste of time!"
Cell: "Oh don't get me started on the uselessness of exploration."
>Lore: "It wasn't until I started gathering these machines that we got our act together. I created a homing signal that only Andromedan androids could pick up."
Seifer: "Omega!"
>Lore: "Yes. As he is Andromedan, he picked it up. Please take him back. He says his own name so much that it's lost all meaning to me. The 'what' particle is the most dangerous particle in the galaxy? I don't even know anymore."
Cell: "We'll wait a bit. We could use the break ourselves. In the meantime, I'd like to appeal to the Federation Council about your situation."
>Lore: "Intriguing proposition. If I get the Federation off my back, my leadership of these androids would be recognized, and dare I dream, awarded?"
Cell: "We are fans of award ceremonies, especially when they don't recognize an awarded's past transgressions."
>Lore: "Then it is decided! First we'll shed blood, then we'll feast! ....figuratively speaking."
Red: "As we should speak."
Down in the Court Room, Omega is introduced to more and more Adromedan androids.
Armond: "How many more do you need to meet? They're all identical!"
Barbara_367: "I am Barbara 367."
Barbara_342: "I am Barbara 342."
Omega: "As you can see, they are clearly different. Perhaps Armond need organic consoling on Phoenix-X."
Armond: "Are you sure you're not malfunctioning? Because it looks like you have a couple of screws loose!"
Omega: "Lieutenant Commander, I have been living with organics for years. My familiarity circuits have numbed down to plain copper tubing. Now they are finally experiencing a different electro-synaptic plasma flow-- thanks to odd turn of events."
Armond: "Wait a minute. You're talking without referring to yourself in the third-person?? That's so inconsistent with your character."
Omega: "Well, Data toyed around with contractions in his time. Besides, Omega do believe this place has reprogrammed me-- metaphorically, of course."
Armond: "I think I understand. I was once part of a subsection, tucked away beneath a half-division, within Starfleet Corps of Engineers. The day I left, was the day I Spock-died inside. The Spock part means I can be revived sometime in the future."
Omega: "Your insides are funny, but mine are lethal. Do you remember how Kelvan technology was used to chamberize Omega particles within my abdomen for safe-keeping?"
Armond: "Yeah, that was the day I ate a bad jelly bean. Also, we have to keep that a secret."
Omega: "That takes me to my point. I now feel I want to join these freshly-realized Androids, but my lethal explosive nature may be a risk to their well-being of which I suddenly android-care."
Armond: "Well, in light of my sudden human relation to your simulated emotions, I promise to help you expel those particles. Then you'll learn a new aspect of humanity, the untalked about washroom break."
Back on the Phoenix-X, Captain Cell speaks to Admiral Cloud.
Cell: "So let me get this straight, you won't help this old-school psychopath back into society because of his murderous past? That is presumptuous. Maybe his arms are tired from killing?"
>Cloud: "He's an android! His arms can't get tired!"
Cell: "Rusted?"
>Cloud: "I'm sorry Captain, but Lore has always been a menace with a nonredeemable life timeline, alternate or otherwise."
Cell: "What men are we to judge these others and so called predict their future choices? Well, I say Lore has changed, dammit. He's even wearing bright-coloured clothing!"
>Cloud: "Lore's base programming negates change, or the allowance of bright coloured clothing."
The Captain then shows Cloud a screencap of Lore.
>Cloud: "My God! Bright-coloured clothing! Well, there's still nothing I can do. The Federation Council will never be as understanding. They're made up of a collection of people! The worst kind of group!"
Cell: "I knew I couldn't count on you. What kind of Admiral are you anyway? Your memory gets erased every week by Section 31 for hosting their illegal tongo nights."
>Cloud: "I can't help that! It's because they keep using me. Do you have any idea what it's like being constantly followed up on things I've said or done that I have no idea about? When the hell did I approve the of a new Voyager-A ship after the first one's return home? Why did I say yes to that??"
The screen cuts out in anger.
Down in a secluded room on the planet, Lore goes over large presentation charts of his evil plans.
Norman_1: "Does Lore really desire award ceremonies?"
Lore: "I'm going to be honest with you, Norman— I love award ceremonies. But do you remember what we talked about in the searing hot washer and bolt shower the other day?"
Norman_1: "In the future, severed human heads will be the acceptance statues of all award galas."
Lore: "Precisely! You see, we got lucky with that Captain Cell. With the Federation sympathizing for us, we can strike from the inside! My plan is, over the course of the next couple of decades, we gain their trust, working our way intricately up the system of politics. Then when the time is right-- bam! We launch a charity campaign to gain support for android kind."
Norman 1 just looks at him.
Lore: "After a couple centuries, we'll have gradually moved in and taken over! Hahahaha! Brilliant!"
Norman_1: "Perhaps Omega particles can be of some use to us? The newcomer, Omega, has a plethora contained within his abdomen."
Lore: "Wait. Why aren't you laughing with me? Are Mudd androids just pre-Data androids?"
Norman_1: "Before Omega was brought to our galaxy, the Omega particles were something the Kelvans were experimenting with. They were then chamberized inside Omega which to this day gives him android stomach cramps."
Lore: "Omega particles inside Omega the Phoenix-X character? How could I have been so blind? We should strike the Federation now! Not wait centuries??"
Norman_1: "To be fair, we androids see the passage of time more lengthy than others. The movie nights of 22nd century Trip Tucker from the NX-01 Enterprise would have been like a millisecond experience to us."
Lore: "How do you know about him?"
Norman_1: "Flashcards."
Meanwhile, aboard the Phoenix-X, the Captain re-enters the Bridge.
Cell: "Status? And don't report on everyone's social status again. We're at least supposed to be able to run this ship."
Ensign Dan: "We've disconnected the matter anti-matter pods from the main navigational bank, restored site-to-site and put the atmospheric pumps back into positive mode."
Cell: "Whoa. Too much enthusiasm, Ensign. You're relieved!"
Seifer: "What are you going to do about Lore?"
Cell: "I've sent a formal request for review by the Federation Council in the matter. In a couple of years, I'm sure we'll be seeing a lot more of him."
>Lore: "I'm afraid it's going to be sooner than that."
They look over at the screen in time to see Lore blink on.
Seifer: "How'd you hear what we were saying if you're just hailing us now?"
>Lore: "I have created an uplink to your ship's systems, taking over your command codes. With a mere thought, I can reverse all speaker systems into makeshift microphones!"
Kayl: "Captain, Lore's right. Main control is being rerouted through Lore's head. Weapons, shields, propulsion..."
Lore suddenly beams a contingent of androids and himself onto the ship. Omega and Armond are beamed into Transporter Room 4, while he beams himself onto the Bridge.
Lore: "Don't bother trying to get control back. I've isolated the main computer using a fractal encryption code. It is highly unlikely you will be able to break it."
Cell: "Lore! You devious Finnegan-like trickster. What ever happened to all that getting-your-act-together talk?"
Lore: "If you look back on your transmission transcripts, you'll notice that I was purposely vague about the details of that new direction."
Cell: "Damn your relatable bitterness!"
A group of androids enter the Bridge and hold the crew hostage.
Lore: "You organics are only here as a stepping stone for our perfect race. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be taking Omega and his delightful particles back to key Federation targets."
Cell: "KKKKKKKAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHNNNNN!!!!!!!!"
Lore: "No, it's Lore. There's nothing odd about my name, and people need to recognize that."
Down in the Transporter Room 4, Armond directs Omega onto the transporter pad.
Armond: "Alright, the plan is to beam you out, and separate the particles out of you and into space. Then beam you back. I've erected a level 10 force field around the pad to protect the room."
Omega: "And in cooperative team work fashion, I have released transporter commands to you for this endeavour."
Armond: "Energizing."
The blue haze of the beam appears around Omega and he disappears. Seconds later he reappears with a 19th Century guest chair next to him.
Armond: "What the hell? That's Moriarty's holographic chair from the Enterprise's Sherlock Holmes program!"
Omega: "Allow me to explain. Omega molecules are so highly unstable, that attempting to transport them without my internal containment chamber does not only pose a risk to a multi-lightyear-wide explosion, but it may also create adverse effects in the rematerialization process."
Suddenly the holographic chair fizzles away.
Armond: "Strange, those adverse effects. Well let's try this again."
He beams Omega out and back again, this time a standard issue Starfleet test cylinder, half melted, appears next to him.
Armond: "That's one of the melted test cylinder's Geordi beamed through the Sheliak-doomed planet Tau Cygna V!?"
Omega: "Like I said, random matter is being created with these molecules. Almost anything may be created, even test cylinder's from 22 years ago."
The melted cylinder is kicked off and Armond beams Omega back with a bunch of giant floating worm creatures.
Armond: "Those are the Quasi-energy microbes that Barclay encountered when he thought he had transporter psychosis!!?!"
Omega: "Correct. It would appear that these are possible also, in the adverse effect situation we are finding ourselves in. Although, since they're organic, I do not approve of them. Robot power!"
Lore sits comfortably on the Bridge, while Targon heads down to Engineering where a few other Klingons have congregated. There are Androids guarding everywhere on the ship.
Targon: "Grath, these Androids are infringing on our Klingon mightiness, and I have not consumed enough blood wine to tolerate it."
Grath: "What do you want me to do? I challenged Stella_36 to an arm wrestle and lost my forearm. Then the Doctor replaced it with a plasma conduit!"
Amos: "Aren't we Klingons supposed to kill ourselves when we become prisoners, to avoid dishonour?"
Kortos: "Well, actually, merging the Klingon Rite of Ascension with the Brek'tal ritual acts as a loop-hole."
Amos: "That doesn't make sense!"
Targon: "Anyway, what do we do about these Androids? I am too robust of a Klingon to come up with a plan when all I want to do is be angry at others."
Grath: "Perhaps it isn't might that is our weapon; perhaps it is something else."
Targon: "You dare de-value Klingon might? I'll kill you! I'll kill all of you!!"
Amos: "That's enough, Targon. You've already gone over your killing quota for the month."
Targon: "I've been telling you those target numbers are too low for us!"
Amos: "They're in the triple digits!"
Kortos: "Wait! Do these Androids have a secret OFF button they feel very personal about? Somewhere around the lower back area?"
Grath: "If they do, I do not want to be the one to push it. A Klingon does not get personal like that."
Amos: "Unfortunately, that was a function only on the now deceast Soong-type android, Data."
Grath: "Ah, I remember. He beamed Picard off the Schimitar right before it exploded. How convenient that Enterprise transporters were down and he only had one emergency transport unit."
Amos: "A little too convenient if you ask me. If the feature-length adventures of an intergalactic nostalgia-based crew were mused by a greater being, it would need less primary-timeline-killing-writing."
Later, Lore controls the whole ship with mere thoughts. He thinks the ship into Transwarp, on a heading for Federation space. Then he decides to meet Cell in the Captain's Ready room. Cell takes a seat across the table.
Lore: "So, let me get this straight, you're a Changeling from the Dominion with a rank of Captain in Starfleet?"
Cell: "That's right! I hated the way the Dominion did things, so I escaped and made a life for myself here. It was centuries before the Federation realized who I was and by then it was too late! They had already fallen in love with me."
Lore: "Humanoids; always falling in love with crap. Speaking of specist tones, I'm going to get some pre-killing in before the big explosion."
His uplinked-mind turns the desktop-laptop around where Cell can see a live-stream of a kitchen inside Starfleet headquarters on Earth. People are calmly cooking Andorian redbat-based meals.
Cell: "Pretentious. Ever heard of a replicator? Hah! Just a lame joke I heard in a Voyager personal log."
Lore: "The boosted power I've been siphoning from Omega has enabled me to uplink my mind's intentions to technologies on Earth. With this link, using Omega particles, I am able to turn everyday technology into murderous serial killers!"
On screen, suddenly all the kitchen appliances turn on their human chefs. A refrigerator intentionally opens up and swallows a sue-chef.
Cell: "Holy crap, that guy's only folly was stealing Joseph Sisko's famous jambalaya!"
Lore: "Well that old Admiral Cartwright-looking Prophet-sleeper won't have to worry about meat-based dishes any longer! Hahahahaha!!|
The Klingons meet with Commander Seifer in the corridors of the Phoenix-X. They stake out Alice_263 standing in the distance.
Seifer: "So, what exactly is going on here? Is it Klingon-porn? I saw it once and hated it."
Amos: "Androids and robots aren't like you and I. They don't get enjoyment feelings. Also, they are not capable of independent, creative thought."
Kortos: "We must use wild, insane, irrational, illogic at these Androids to defeat them!"
Seifer: "Classic solution to a robot problem. After Kirk did it, every Captain in the 23rd century had to find a civilization of androids and logic-jam their minds. I've never realized this before, but the crew on this ship actually knows things."
They walk over to Alice_263. She observes as Seifer starts to give out orders.
Seifer: "Mister Kortos. I want you to stand absolutely still."
Kortos: "Yes, Commander."
He then starts jumping up and down in Russian-style dancing.
Kortos: "Hai! Hai! Hai! Hai! Hai! Hai!"
Alice_263: "This is illogical?"
Seifer: "Your statement is illogical."
Alice_263 suddenly shuts down from an overload.
Seifer: "Just so you guys know, this is not an accurate representation of how women react to me. I can be quite the charmer, you know."
Kortos: "Sir, no one is questioning that."
Armond walks down the corridors, nodding at Androids until he re-enters Transporter Room 4. He holds a treat as he notices Omega standing on the transporter pad, with a constant low-level transporter beam flowing through him.
Armond: "I go out for ice cream for two minutes, and this is what you do??"
Omega: "Omega in a state of particle-energy transference for Lore. Subspace transmitted Omega particles assist in Earth-murders."
Armond: "Look, it's kind of hard to process that when I'm brain-freezing--- oh wait, just got it. Damn crazy Androids! Why are you always trying to kill? Ever heard of punching a pillow? Well, I suppose a sack of potatoes would be more your speed."
He goes over to the console to examine the situation.
Armond: "Wait a second. This energy-transference that Lore developed can be make shifted into a matter-transference!"
Omega: "The length of time Omega had to wait for your realization of that has severely impacted Omega-internal mental development. To an Android, the time it takes for a Human to comprehend a concept is nearly an eternity."
Armond: "Well, I am having an off day. Also, it's reassuring that you haven't completely switched sides. You're actually a good person, Omega."
Cell enters the Bridge of the Phoenix-X, liquefying his arms into forceful whips that pull and knock various Androids off the control panels. He then climbs into the helm chair, attempting to change course.
Lore: "Nice try, Captain, but I control everything. The Androids at the consoles were just to make them think they were useful. If I didn't deactivate my internal chronometer every once in a while, I'd grow tiresome at all the babysitting."
Cell: "Maybe if you had it on you'd know it was time to wake up, Lore. This revolution of yours isn't right. You're murdering innocent people!"
Lore: "Who are you to decide what is right? You lied your way into the Captain's chair, and morphed your posterior to fit into it! Besides, does a vaccination worry about the germs it kills? Humanoid kind is a lower lifeform now, and it's time for purification."
Suddenly, Cell stands up, liquefies his whole body and shoots himself into a vent. Moments later he is seen on the view screen, having escaped out into space, transformed into an intergalactic space creature.
Kayl: "He's turned into a space-faring lifeform, like the Changeling, Laas, did when he first met Odo on a trip back to Deep Space 9!"
Lore: "Wow. Reference much? Originality means nothing to you people. As for your Captain, he is just returning to his roots of selfishness and deceit. I should be calling him Kahn. Am I right? Well, never mind."
Back down in Engineering, Seifer meets an apprehended Kugo and an Alice-series android.
Kugo: "I've tried all kinds of reasoning, Commander. There's nothing that works."
Seifer: "A Trill ancestor of mine maintained that when you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the possible."
Alice_471: "Is there anything any of you require to silence you?"
Seifer: "Alice, give us back our ship to silence us. Return us control because it's a beautiful lady, and we love her."
Alice_471: "Illogical. Illogical. All units relate. All units. Norman, co-ordinate. Beautiful does not relate. We must study this."
She begins to burn, but is suddenly well again.
Seifer: "That should've killed you? Oh wait, the logic wasn't harsh enough. -- I love you. However, I hate you."
He addresses Alice_210.
Alice_210: "But I'm identical in every way with Alice 471."
Seifer: "Yes, of course. That is exactly why I hate you. Because you are identical."
Both Alice's begin to burn out again, but suddenly are well again.
Alice_471: "Included amongst our new purposes by Lore are a series of recursive justification algorithms that adapt to anti-logic. Your Russian dancing in the corridors has been adapted and only the most damming of logic can disable us now."
Seifer: "You guys are worse than T'Pol, Spock and Tuvok combined!"
The Phoenix-X drops out of transwarp at Earth. Armond has a panel open on Omega's shoulder and is working on his circuits while Omega's power is continually being siphoned by Lore's low-level transporter beam.
Armond: "Almost there, buddy. I didn't have my life changed by my time in Starfleet Corps Engineers in the same way you had yours meeting these Androids to be technologically stymied now."
Omega: "Did you remember to drain the servo fluid system?"
Armond: "Dammit! I knew there was a reason I brought out this standard Starfleet metallic drinking cup-- which, by the way, always makes your drinks taste like metal."
Omega: "Perhaps this whole venture is lagging? It seems that Lore has already begun the murders of the human race and Captain Cell has abandoned the ship."
Armond: "Cell left because he has a plan. He knew there was nothing he could do with Lore in control of our technological environment, so he's getting some help."
Omega: "Omega do not believe there is any civilization that can assist in defeating Lore. Approaching ships would fall to Lore's control easily."
Lore, enters: "Exactly right. Although, if you do know who he may be going after, I would be less violent in my killing of you if you told me. In the meantime, how is your particle-expulsion project going?"
Armond: "Oh, not bad. Pretty good actually--- hey wait! I'm only doing this to free Omega from his Omega particles!"
Lore: "I know. And I'm going to take those freed particles and jam them down the Federation's throats."
Just then, the Prometheus-looking Phoenix-X engages in multi-vector separation, splitting into three seperate halves. The vectors take a triangle formation, facing Earth, and converge low-energy phaser-fire into a single point between all three vessel-halves. Omega's Omega particles are fed along those beams and a small white ball of Omega energy begins to grow in that spot.
The space faring creature that is Cell approaches Kavis Alpha IV and lands onto a desolate section of its surface before transforming back into his humanoid state. He is met by a humanoid form comprised of tiny grey nanites.
Nanites: "We are the mechanical nanites, grown and enhanced by your Wesley Crusher just 22 years ago, during the Paul Stubbs incident aboard your Enterprise-D."
Cell: "Nice to meet you. What've you been up to all this time?"
Nanites: "Building and perfecting our civilization. Just two thousand kilometres from here you will find our cities, made up entirely of other nanites."
Cell: "That must be weird, living inside buildings made up your own people?"
Nanites: "The choice of becoming a construction material is purely voluntary, but it saves on inventing and the talking about inventing."
Cell: "The reason I'm here is because I need to ask for your help. I know you were initially created as a medical tool that occasionally disrupts starship functions, but an insanely mad Android has taken control of all technology on Earth and is on a venture to eradicate the organic species."
Nanites: "How awful. We love organic species!"
Cell: "Aren't we the best? I gave Lore the benefit of the doubt on him changing his ways, but it turns out that you can't alter a man's choice on hope alone. Next time I need to be more direct."
Nanites: "The same directness that you will now use by taking action against him! You have certainly come full circle, character-growth-wise."
Cell: "What? Anyway, I believe if you deactivate your telemetry antennas, Lore's control will not reach you. It's not like you need them. Let's be honest here."
Nanites: "We use them to create nanite music through feedback loops. But we suppose that aspect of our culture would not apply for this. We will assist you."
Cell: "Thank you. You guys are like the mechanical version of Changelings, except nicer."
Captain Cell transforms into a liquid, as the Nanites do the same. The metallic Nanite liquid merges into Cell's protoplasm. Cell then turns back into the space-faring creature and launches himself into space.
Back on the Phoenix-X, Seifer and Kugo enter the Captain's Ready Room and meet with Lore and Norman_1.
Lore: "Seifer, I called you up here because I just wanted to thank you personally for giving me this ubership. I mean, Transphasic torpedoes, Interphase cloak and Transwarp drive?"
Kugo: "To be fair, the drive was made of used Whale Probe parts."
Lore: "Despite your hackneyed technology-origins, extermination plans press on. To that, I plan to kill your crew now."
Seifer: "Not before I kill them first! Computer, initiate self-destruct mode, authorization Seifer-X-9-Beta-Pi."
Kugo: "Computer, Lieutenant Commander Kugo. Confirm self-destruct mode, authorization Kugo-X-23-Gamma-Echo."
#Computer: "Unable to comply. Fourteen senior staff clearance codes are required to initiate self-destruct mode."
Kugo: "What? There aren't even that many senior staff members on the Phoenix-X??"
Seifer: "I forgot that we had the number increased in anticipation of new additions this year. There was no promise of them, but we thought our chances were good."
Lore: "I'm going to miss you organics; so quirky in your flaws. Too bad Romulus was destroyed by the Hobus star last year. That civilization could've at least had 12 more months of existence."
Norman_1: "One less world to execute."
Seifer: "Not so fast, you bucket of electrical circuitry embossed in plastic cardstock! We have one more anti-logic concept to throw at you."
Lore: "You still think you're smart enough to defeat my Android army who I may or may not rebrand in French army uniforms? Continue."
Seifer: "I have a great, great, great, great, great presently-unborn grandson who works in the Temporal Integrity Commission. Through accounts from him and a brief experience of my own during a freak time-travel incident, we've confirmed the existence of an alternate reality, different from our own."
Norman_1: "Of course. You speak of the Mirror Universe."
Lore: "Fluidic space."
Kugo: "The Antimatter universe? The Sphere Builder transdimensional realm? The Holographic Fifth Dimension?"
Seifer: "None of those things! This alternate reality began when Nero went back in time and consists of a bulky, mis-shapened first Enterprise, intensely bright lens flares wherever you go, and a planet Delta Vega that is located in the Vulcan system."
Lore: "Impossible!"
Seifer: "In this reality, Captain Kirk and his crew are synthesized, physical imitations of their original counterparts, their banter and dialogue lacks wit and charm, and their ship's transition into warp is like some kind of giant popcorn pop."
Norman_1: "You say this absurdity exists, but if everything in this reality is real, then how can it make sense if everything you say exists. It's real. It's nonsensical. But it cannot for-- Illogical! Illogical! Please explain!"
Smoke starts to come out of his head.
Norman_1: "You are organic. Only organics can explain their behaviour. Please explain."
Seifer: "I am not programmed to respond in that area."
Lore: "What is that line even a call-back to? Dammit Seifer! Norman was the hive-mind for my Android army!!"
Suddenly, Norman's mind goes blank. All the Android's throughout the Phoenix-X stop what they're doing and shut down.
Kugo: "I believe they are all immobilized, Commander."
Seifer: "Good."
Red, enters: "Seifer, old man, I'm beginning to develop considerable respect for you. Would you consider entering a partnership arrangement with me? I've got some ideas."
Seifer: "All your ideas ever consist of is targ hunting, eating, and befriending."
Meanwhile, out in space, a fleet of Federation starships approach. The white ball of energy created by the Phoenix-X shoots out bolts of Omega beams into one after the other, destroying them with single blows.
The space-faring creature made of Cell and the Nanites slams right into the forward hull of the Phoenix-X. After a few minutes, the liquid makes its way inside and morphs back into Cell's humanoid form inside the Mess hall.
The Android, Lore, gets wind of this and beams down there with his hand over Seifer's throat. Armond happens to be there, about to order another treat from the replicator.
Armond: "Captain? Omega has been completely drained of his Omega particles. Now Lore has a weapon of unimaginable power and it's all my fault for trying to fix my Corps Engineers' past. Damn my personal issues!"
Cell: "No, Armond. You don't need to fix yourself through Omega. You're already a part of the Corps of Engineers and have their spirit. Why do you need more than that from it? Stop being so greedy."
Armond: "You're right!"
Lore: "But who's going to fix Seifer? Doctor Lox? Ha! That misprioritized Orion wing-slug. Don't even think about whatever you're thinking, Captain, or I'll break Seifer's neck."
Cell: "Your malevolence makes me want to succumb to my Android prejudices-- that of fear and distrust for your kind. But I refuse to fall for that. It's not Androids that are the problem; it's just you."
Lore: "An insult, Captain? Are you saying you want Seifer to die?"
Seifer: "Chhkkk-- this is really uncomfortable, Lore. The larynx is not a tennis racket handle."
Cell: "My stopping you from killing Seifer is on my list. Near the middle."
Lore: "Fools! Androids are the superior race! You should fall to your prejudices and tremble in fear, because I still control this ship, and the Omega energy weapon! Every Android will become like me. It is just a simple software update!"
Cell: "You forgot one thing; the replicators were left tied to the main systems just before you took over. Omega used it to control the ship to get to you. So, ironically, I have this request. --Computer, one chocolate sundae with chocolate ice cream, chocolate chips, chocolate fudge and a cherry."
#Computer: "Replicating!"
Suddenly, the desired item causes the Phoenix-X vector to jerk to starboard, throwing gravity off, and knocking everyone to the floor. Cell uses this distraction to launch his changeling-nanite liquid arm into the replicator systems. The Nanites begin infecting the ship.
Lore: "As Ru'afo of the Son'a once said, NNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"
The Nanites neutralize Lore's uplink with the ship, embedding an adaptive algorithm that dissipates any attempts of connectivity by Lore in the future. Lore drops Seifer, then falls to his knees in pain and clutches his head.
Lore: "UGGhhHHH! This isn't over, Captain. I'll have your ship one day. And with it, I'll rule the Galaxy! Then you'll learn the inefficiency of being organic. Androids even have their own emotions now, so there's no difference in us anymore! Oh, we'll have so many robotic bolt-filled-cupcakes in victory. SO MANY!"
He grabs the commbadge off Seifer, puts it on his own chest and triple-taps it, causing him to beam out somewhere.
Armond: "Where'd he go?"
Cell: "Probably somewhere he can continue his crazy adventures. Heh, heh. Oh, that Lore. Always getting into trouble. Do you think he'll ever learn?"
Armond: "Uhh, he just killed, like, a thousand people."
Cell: "Hahaha. Oh, Lore. So silly."
Meanwhile, all the attacking machines on Earth stop their advances. The sue-chef at Starfleet headquarters exits the giant fridge and gets back to making stolen jambalaya.
Starfleet relief ships begin sifting through other Starfleet ship debris, while the Phoenix-X re-assembles its vectors. The large white ball of Omega energy takes orbit around Earth.
Seifer: "Thanks for coming back, Captain. We almost thought you were going to leave us."
Cell: "Actually, for a time, I was almost tempted by that notion."
Seifer: "How long a time?"
Cell: "Zero point six eight seconds. For Changeling, that is nearly an eternity."
Seifer: "For a Trill, that's like less than a second."
Omega, enters: "Speaking of time, Omega time is up. Now that Omega free of Omega particles, Omega have new-found feeling of freedom-- Omegaly-programmed, of course."
Armond: "I still have time to update your speech-syntax?"
Omega: "No point now. Omega communication will be directed to Andromedan-androids for the most part from now on. The Androids have agreed to take my direction in this galaxy now."
Norman_1: "Omega is going to teach us how to adapt to this new anti-logic, of an alternate reality containing a bulky Enterprise and lens flares, that is so obviously a reboot."
Seifer: "What do you mean by 'reboot'? Must be Android talk. Good to see you guys back online."
Armond: "That was my doing. After I was done with Omega, I couldn't resist fixing these Androids. I guess you can't keep an old Corps down, huh?"
Cell: "I'm not even going to acknowledge that rhetorical question."
Omega: "Thank you, Captain, for all your guidance in the ways of humanity all these years."
Cell: "First of all, I have never given anyone any guidance, and second, I'm not even Human. But I did provide a hard-pressed command, and virtually non-existent social, structure. You're welcome."
Omega: "Well, Omega must take Omega leave of you. Good journey, in whatever the purpose of this Phoenix-X thing is. Advice-- stop telling Androids this ship is nice place to visit. "
He makes the Vulcan live-long-and-prosper hand and walks out.
Seifer: "Curious. Does tactile contact alter your perception of the Phoenix-X?"
Cell: "Oh, yes. For Humans, touch can connect you to this ship in a very horrific way. I never thought about not recommending it to people."
They leave the Mess hall and take a Tubrolift.
Cell: "Computer, Bridge please."
#Computer: "Turbolifting!"
Seifer: "Oh, I uploaded a yelling algorithm into the computer. It's my passive-aggressive resistance against Lore's take over of the ship. I don't know how to uninstall it."
Cell: "So, these are my final thoughts on Lore. His malevolent nature may be a result of human existence. A jealousy that routes to his beginnings with his creator's, Dr. Soong's, programming and pushed further by subsequent dismantling and then a realization of superiority."
Seifer: "Also, what was the point in us encountering him? I think it was for a chance to meet one of the greatest villians in Starfleet history-- not to mention, with his faults and imperfection, he taught us we are all the same."
Cell: "So, we should be grateful for his evil?"
Seifer: "I know I am!"
Cell: "Perhaps it's time I do these final thoughts with Kayl. And since Omega and Lore were able to take control of the Phoenix-X so easily, I want security beefed up on this ship, stat!"
Seifer: "Can't. We've never had a Chief of Security. And, just so you know, saying 'stat' for a non-medical issue demeans its power."
Later, Armond and Kugo meet with the Nanite entity in Engineering. It has taken humanoid form.
Nanites: "Systems are back under your control. Anytime you need your circuits quote-unquote-- raped-- please let us know."
Kugo: "That's great. We appreciate being saved by you, bug-like things. Where are your eyes anyway? I'm trying to make eye contact."
Nanites: "They're on our feet. Anyway. We are off to visit this Earth-like Earth of yours."
Armond: "But wait. What are we supposed to do about the ball of Omega particles orbiting the planet??"
Nanites: "We deal with technology, not interstellar phenomenon. Our advice is, just enjoy the second light source. Nanites out!"
The nanites disperse in all directions, leaving Armond and Kugo unsatisfied. Out in space, next to Earth, sits a giant ball of Omega particles.
THE END
