Star Trek: Phoenix-X
Triple Tribble Sunday
Commander Seifer sits in the Mess hall, having a meal of strange bugs and insects. Lieutenant Kayl sits next to him, watching in complete and utter horror.
Seifer: "Ugh! This food is disgusting... even with the pre-chewing. Oh well. It is Ferengi Food Friday."
Kayl: "What are you saying? It's Saturday."
The Commander quickly spits out the food.
Seifer: "Dammit! This is even worse than the time I tried to conceive a kuvah'magh during the month of nay'Poq, when it was clearly the forty-third day of Maktag!"
Kayl: "Nobody's perfect, sir. Good thing we have these new Starfleet uniforms to brighten our day!"
Seifer: "Is it just me, or do they seem like a variant of the old late 2360's uniforms?"
Kayl: "Ever since Starfleet has been going to Garak for dress design advice, nothing has made sense."
Seifer: "I think mine is a bit constricting. What was Garak's subspace frequency again---? AAGGGHH!"
The Commander suddenly cripples in stomach pain! He falls off his chair to the floor.
Kayl: "Commander! Are you okay?!"
Seifer: "Uggh-- Promise me--- you won't let anything happen to my stolen Bajoran Vedek hat!! Argghh!"
Half an hour later, Seifer wakes up groggy on a biobed in Sickbay. Kayl and Doctor Lox are standing over him.
Seifer: "I'm... I'm alive? The last thing I remember is being in that Talaxian Great Forest with Neelix's sister. She said some eeeevvvvil things to me."
Kayl: "You were just hallucinating, sir."
Seifer: "Oh, right. So, Doctor, what happened to my perfectly healthy body?"
Lox: "This wasn't the result of the new Starfleet uniforms, but rather a large invisible device sticking out of your stomach. It's genetically manipulating your Trill symbiont."
Seifer: "What?? I hate invisible things!"
Lieutenant Kayl pulls out an interphasic scanner and reads Seifer's stomach.
Kayl: "This looks like Srivani technology. I can only conclude that they've infiltrated the ship again!"
Seifer: "That's the second time this decade! Voyager now has one up on us... and they never have one up on anyone!"
Meanwhile, Captain Cell paces the Bridge of the Phoenix-X as the ship patrols the Delta Quadrant. Red is at the helm, while Armond is at tactical.
Ensign Dan: "What are we doing in this Quadrant again? If we get trapped here like Voyager did, we'll be stuck with these new uniforms forever not knowing about any future changes to them!"
Cell: "Ever since Starfleet gave up on the Borg last year, Section 31 has wanted us to patrol various Sectors here every one month just to make sure there aren't any threats."
Red: "Puh! ...Starfleet is like some kind of Ferengi in a gorilla suit."
Armond: "Sensors are reading nothing once again. I believe it is safe to say that everything is going to be alright for us. --Oh, except that we have been infiltrated by medical experimenting Srivani."
Cell: "What!? Computer! Interphase-cloak the ship!"
Suddenly, all the lights dim and Srivani scientists appear everywhere. Cell recognizes one of them as someone he had met once before under the same circumstances.
Cell: "Dammit, Kaulani! You were never supposed to do this again!"
Kaulani: "Well what did you expect to happen when you came to the Delta Quadrant? Besides, it's in our nature to experiment on the unaware. It's like asking a Kazon to not put cement in his hair!"
Cell: "I want your crew off the Phoenix-X, but you to stay to reverse what you did to my crew the last time you were here. Specifically, the multi-infarct dementia you gave to Lieutenant Tong that causes him to experience alternate realities!"
Tong: "Whoa! I'm so inside a giant Alvinian melon right now! Amazing!"
Kaulani: "You call that progress? You're supposed to think you're living in a mental hospital!"
Cell: "If you don't fix my crew, I'm going to be forced to take a more ordering-fire stance to dealing with you and your people."
Kaulani: "Oh, fine. If it will end whining! But just so you know, we have not done any recent experiments to Ensign Dan - thus we cannot explain his lack of social ability."
Ensign Dan: "I don't have to sit here and listen to this. I relieve myself from duty!"
He leaves the Bridge as the remaining Srivani beam off the Phoenix-X and onto their own starship. Kaulani stays behind and glares at the crew.
Kaulani: "By the way, you're all infected with Ankaran flu."
The Captain rolls his eyes and then leaves for his Ready Room. He takes a seat when suddenly Agent Wallace enters.
Wallace: "Sir, I knew you never let people in, so I broke your lock."
Cell: "What do you want? Can't you see that I have Changeling stuff to do? This bucket isn't just for relieving oneself."
Wallace: "Being an ambassador for Section 31, I just wanted to pass along our next mission. We are to return to the Alpha Quadrant and inspect the planet Armus IX... for tribble."
Cell: "For what?? I'm not wasting ship resources for that! I'd waste them for Cardassian vole hunting, but not this!"
Wallace: "It is the wish of Section 31! These are good and kind people and the least you could do is respect their goals... Well, that's how they want me to portray them. We all know they're evil and selfish jerks with nicely tailored uniforms."
Cell: "Their uniforms are fabricated by the computer as is our own!"
Down in Sickbay, Seifer begins to get weaker and weaker.
Seifer: "I'm slowly losing... consciousness... Revenge my death with a serving of cold Alfarian hair pasta... Extra hair."
Kayl: "Commander, no!"
He goes to sleep when all of a sudden his stomach begins to bulge and his symbiont comes to life and bursts out.
The Srivani scientist, Kaulani, enters Sickbay just in time to see her experiment complete.
Kaulani: "Perfect! This was the only project on this ship that I was really looking forward to. You see, I genetically altered Seifer's Trill symbiont into a sentient creature."
Lox: "To be honest, you aren't the first to do that."
Kaulani: "Silence! With my genetic alterations, this symbiont will become self sufficient and independent beyond possibility!"
The symbiont then sprouts small tentacle arms, eyes and a mouth. It looks at everyone who is looking back at him.
Seif: "So I'm naked. So what?? By the way, you can call me Seif, for short. It may not be obvious to you, but I don't like syllables!!!"
Kayl: "How could you have done this?? Experimenting on plants and food is one thing, but on people is a violation of our privacy-- not to mention a direct cause of trouble in our lives!?"
Kaulani: "Oh, it helps not to care. You should try it sometime."
The Seifer symbiont jumps out of his host body and onto the floor. He begins walking toward the door with his stubby lower appendages, while trailing a slippery gue.
Seif: "I'm off to do evil things! Don't wait up!"
The Phoenix-X speeds through a transwarp conduit on its way back home. By Sunday, it drops back out into normal space in the Alpha Quadrant. There, it comes to approach planet Armus IX. Cell enters the Bridge.
Red: "We have reached our destination, sir."
Cell: "Begin scans. And someone get me one of those baseball things. I want to know what Sisko was so fascinated about."
Armond: "I'm reading feathers... lot's of feathers... and also tribble!"
Cell: "Hah! Nicely done, sensor system of the Phoenix-X. I do believe our mission is complete. Wait. Let me double check my mission padd. Aw man. It says we have to destroy those little cute creatures??"
Armond: "You're right! How could we do that? It is so utterly wrong and---"
He glances over to find that Cell has already been pressing the fire button on his console, blasting phasers onto the planet below. Screams from dying tribble are heard from space!
Cell: "Oh, I'm sorry. We were supposed to discuss this, weren't we?"
Armond: "Firing is my job, Captain!"
Cell: "I can't help it sometimes. It looks like so much fun."
Red: "All those tribble... dead. I never thought I'd see such malevolence from a Starfleet crew? Though, I admit we Klingons are an assuming race."
Cell: "It was our orders. As a crew working for the secret Section 31, we are accustomed to unspeakable acts. Plus, don't you know how annoying those creatures are? Man! I was doing this galaxy a favour."
Armond: "Unfortunately, sensors indicate not all tribble were destroyed. There are a few more, but I don't think our wide-range weapons got them all."
Cell: "Then we'll beam down and strike with precision! That'll teach these tribble not to infringe on the cuteness of human pets... like gerbils, and hamsters, and baby kittens playing with yarn."
The Captain then quickly takes an Away Team down to the planet which include Lieutenants Elly and Targon, and Doctor Lox. They begin hunting for tribble, one of which Lox accidentally steps on.
Lox: "Oh, hello little buddy! You are quite the fuzzy creature of cute, aren't you?"
Targon, walking by: "Less adoring, and more aborting... of life that is!"
Lox, aims phaser: "As a Doctor, I find myself conflicted; should I cause immediate death or something along the lines of slow suffering?"
*Kaulani: "Phoenix-X to Lox. When you're done with your scalpels and leeches, would you mind unlocking your office? I left a de-evolutionary acceleration device in there that turns Betazoids into fish-like creatures... A range of mad scientistry you'll never achieve!"
Lox: "You stay out of my Sickbay! I have cultivated a sample of Diomedian scarlet moss that can sing a high pitched version of The Minstrel Boy that mustn't be disturbed!"
*Kaulani: "Hah! My point made effortlessly. Let me know if you ever find a non-Warp 10 way of inducing amphibian mutation. Perhaps then you'd have taken the first step at redeeming yourself. Hahahaha! Phoenix-X out!"
Meanwhile, in Main Engineering, the small symbiont begins ordering people around.
Seif: "You there! Tap faster! Walk more hastily! Re-pressurize that intermix chamber!"
Amos: "But we'll all die??"
Seif: "Just do it!"
Amos: "Yes, Commander."
He walks over to a control panel and begins work. Just then, Lieutenant Kayl enters and finds the symbiont.
Kayl: "Uhh, sir? There have been reports of you telling people to dance Ferengi style, wear last decade's Starfleet uniform, and even put Evora beads on other people's heads!"
Seif: "It's all a part of a day at the office."
Kayl: "You need a host body! You're leaving a weird slime all over the floors, which I almost slipped over and broke my neck from!"
Seif: "Hmm. Now that I think of it, perhaps someone else would benefit from my amazing multi-life experience, excluding my last host who was so incompetent that he didn't rise in rank in 14 years."
Kayl: "Seifer has just been having a rough one and a half decade. Give him another half and he'll command his own ship in no time!"
Seif: "I deserve better than that male version-Ezri Dax wannabe! Why can't I have someone like Jadzia, or fun-Odo when he became Curzon?"
After shooting down several defenseless tribble just laying around the land, Cell stops to think.
Elly: "Sir? You have released firing pressure from your bulky and over-sized phaser rifle."
Cell: "This rifle is too huge. Who designed this thing? Also, the killing of all these pregnant tribble has brought me to a moral dilemma, much like the one Archer went through every time he locked someone up in his Brig."
Targon: "Indeed. What was up with that man? It seemed like he was stressed all the time too."
#Armond: "Phoenix-X to Captain Cell. Amos is messing with the intermix chamber and is about to blow up the ship!"
Cell: "Typical of him. Beam that Klingon out into space... But be sure to beam an EV suit around his body so he doesn't die. There's been enough death today."
#Armond: "Are you saying you are tired of killing tribble?"
Cell: "For now. Murder has left me a sick after-taste in my morphogenic mouth of doom."
Targon: "Which reminds me-- One day, I would delight in enjoyment if you'd shapeshift into an Anthropoid ape and spar with some of us. It's the same beast-likeness Christopher Pike encountered 132 years ago on Talos IV... the Pike of our universe, that is, not that alternate reality where everything is bombarded with blindingly flashy lens flares."
Cell: "Just for that analogy, consider it done."
Lieutenant Commander Red enters Sickbay with a bleeding cut in his forehead. He finds that Doctor Lox is busy in the background with something. The EMH approaches him.
Red: "I got angry at an unreachable itch on my back and threw a tantrum in my quarters, when-- Wait, are you still being run? This is not an emergency!"
EMH: "I haven't been de-activated in 12 years because the Doctor likes that I take care of the sick while he is able to work on his immoral experiments."
The two walk over to see that Lox has a tribble sitting under a modified Genitronic replicator. After a jolt of energy from the replicator into the tribble, the tribble is suddenly given enhanced awareness. Eyes develop under its fur, a mouth, and stubby ends for legs and arms emerge.
Lox: "I have done it! I've created the ultimate foe for Kaulani's creation... A sentient Tribble!! Hahahahahaha!!!!"
Red: "Doctor, what have you done?? This life form is no more what nature intended it to be!"
Lox: "This is about science, Commander; mad-science! Isn't that right, little Tribble?"
Tribi: "O hai! .............I'z kill klingons dead now k."
The cute little Tribble jumps off the platform, onto the nearby medical tool tray. He activates a laser scalpel and whips it into Red's forehead wound.
Red, falls to the floor: "AAUUGGGHH!!!!"
Tribi: "Chow ya?"
The Tribble jumps to the floor and suddenly gives birth to eight more Tribble. It then runs out of Sickbay leading the little fluffballs to follow as they prepare to reap havoc throughout the ship. The EMH just glances over at Lox.
EMH: "Doctor, you've created an adorable monster. I applaud you."
Agent Wallace and Captain Cell sit in the Conference room of the Phoenix-X, staring at each other.
Wallace: "Let me get this straight. You murder defenseless tribble for hours and then you decide to grow a conscience?"
Cell: "As a Changeling, several aspects of my humanity are in a constant state of shapeshifting flux."
Wallace: "That explains a lot."
Cell: "Now tell me why Section 31 sent us on this mission! There's no way they hate tribble. Agent's Elena and Nelkast had us deliver one to them for secularized Christmas. I believe they named it Tribey."
Wallace: "I can't discuss it, sir. They make us wear dermaplastic garments as punishment for breaking orders!"
Cell: "Listen to me, Agent. I command this ship, and here I outrank you despite your deep-seeded connections that circumvent Starfleet. I require this information in order to complete this mission!"
Wallace: "Believe it or not, Captain, but Section 31 isn't the only entity with jurisdiction on the Phoenix-X. A Klingon General by the name of Verticon requires the extinction of the tribble species."
Cell: "Verticon? Klingons hate tribble, yes. But why should we do this for Verticon? We have our own missions to do."
Wallace: "No kidding. Next week, the Phoenix-X has to go to Farpoint station on Deneb IV and accidentally discover that it is a jellyfish-like entity."
Cell: "That's the break-the-ice mission every freshly-launched starship goes on! Why are we being jerked around like this??"
Wallace: "What I've told you about Verticon is as much as I know, since my memory has been tampered and experimented with three times this week by Doctor Lox."
Meanwhile, Amos floats around space, peaking into window after window on the Phoenix-X.
Amos: "Hehehe! I'm bound to see someone undressing, and then BAM-- they're most personal hidings exposed for me to see!"
He creeps over to another window suddenly finding a group of aware Tribble, speaking to each other, carrying knives and sharpened pieces of conduit. They turn to see Amos when one of them beams him into the room.
Tibbi: "U can hash dead k i love u."
Inside, the Tribble each whip their weapons into Amos, with the impact knocking him back and onto the floor.
Amos: "Blood wine would have made me immune to this!!! AAAUUGGGHH!!"
Kugo leaves Engineering to find out what's going on with Amos. Two Klingon Engineers left in charge suddenly find a malfunction within ship's systems.
Eigern: "What do you think?"
Poul: "That the entire environmental system's gone crazy. It's not just Engineering... it's the entire deck. Maybe it's a problem with the EPS conduits."
He enters a Jefferies tube and starts crawling when he suddenly hears a scuffle up ahead.
Poul: "Hello? ...Hey!"
#Eigern: "Are you talking to me?"
Poul: "Is there anyone else working maintenance in this section?"
#Eigern: "Not that I know of."
The Bekk ranked Klingon hears the confusing scream.
Eigern: "Poul? ...Poul, are you okay in there?"
She then decides to enter the Jefferies tube in search for him, but is attacked by Tribble!
Omega and Lieutenant Kortos sit in the Mess hall peacefully playing three-dimensional chess.
Kortos: "You win again, android! It's a wonder why I even bother? Oh right. To get out of work."
Omega: "Curious. Do life forms such as yourself escape work often?"
Kortos: "Oh all the time! You can find me in the holodeck most days in a Three Musketeers simulation with holographic representations of Captain Picard, Data, and Geordi La Forge."
Just then, three armed Tribble burst into the Mess hall through the vents and land on the table in front of them.
Kortos: "What is this? I thought the Klingon Empire eradicated your kind one-tenth of a milennia ago??"
Teerb: "Murdah timez lolz ya!"
Tribb: "As u can sees, we'z enraged wiz anker and vizons of dedth. Perps u bester to allowed us to kill u?"
Kortos: "What? Your species are merely a small and annoying pest to be cleaned away. So creepy and icky... We wiped you out in the 23rd century!"
Trople: "U r poopy poops k!"
One of the Tribble fires a Klingon disrupter into Kortos, knocking him back off his chair and into the wall. Omega immediately gets up in response, but the Tribble disperse and run away.
The Captain walks onto the Bridge in confusion as Red Alert is activated. Before the report is given, Lieutenant Commander Red enters with a large bandage on his forehead where his last two injuries were.
Red: "There are Tribble all over the Phoenix-X, killing Klingons; and they can talk."
Cell: "First the Srivani and now the Tribble? My ship is not a place of......... being!!"
Kugo: "It's obvious who's responsible for this. Kaulani. There's no way it could've been Lox. This is way too advanced for him."
Lox, enters: "Of course it is! I once re-created an extinct civilization. I even turned Crewman Nathan from Human to Cardassian!"
Armond: "Yeah, but the Tribble, Doctor; the Tribble."
Lox: "That's not even a substantial counter-argument!"
Red: "Allow me to confirm. It really was Lox who created these abominations. He used a modified form of the Lovidian flu, the Klingon augment virus, through his Genitronic replicator in order to supplement these changes."
Ensign Dan: "That's the virus that caused early 22nd century Klingons to loose their forehead ridges!"
Cell: "Really? I always thought it was some sort of inbreeding thing?"
Lox: "Perhaps at one point it was. But I used a different method to engineer these Tribble masterpieces!"
Kugo: "This explains why the Tribble on this ship are so inherently hateful toward Klingons. Although it doesn't explain why other cultures are."
Red: "Fools! The Tribble have always been enemies of the Klingons. It is a product of nature, and I will be more than happy to slaughter them with bat'leths and broken pieces of glass!"
Cell: "No! We will not kill the Tribble. Do you want to be cleaning up chunks of fur for weeks? It's even worse if you get the fur in your mouth. Ugh! Dismissed!"
Meanwhile, Kayl follows a line-up of Starfleet and Klingon officers into the Battle Arena, where the little Trill symbiont has been sitting on a chair and interviewing people for the role of host.
Gewdeque: "So, I was the top of my Engineering class, I'm a great dancer, and I know how to make Andorian ale... without the Andorian."
Seif: "Hmm. A valuable skill indeed. I will consider you once I acquire your financial records. --Next!"
Gewdeque walks away, while the next person approaches.
Borishnikov: "I am passionate about gagh and nothing else!"
Seif: "Yuck... You're a definite No. Don't you know that even live gagh can sometimes get stuck in your teeth for days? --NEXT!!"
Lieutenant Kayl then buds in line and confronts him.
Kayl: "Commander, you have to stop this! You were meant to be joined to the Night host and, besides, you can only be joined for a short period of time to non-Trills."
Seif: "That's why I plan on 16-hour join intervals between Crewmen Phinly and whomever I choose next."
Phinly, steps out: "Hello! I was chosen on my excellent Orion slave girl routines! ...Of course, I'm aware that I'm human and a male of practically no effeminate leanings, but I always stress to others that it is all out of appreciation and reverence for the art."
Just then, about thirty Tribble burst into the Battle Arena from various vents and doors surrounding the circular room, holding knives and aiming disrupters at everyone.
Trople: "Sry! Wez goin 2 fite u tallies k!"
Phinly: "Oh no, don't hurt me! I just had a Son'a face stretch procedure and my skin is still very breakable right now!"
Lieutenant Commander Red waits in a turbolift as it takes him to his next destination on the ship. It suddenly stops at Deck 18 where a single Tribble enters, holding a mek'leth blade.
Troob: "Omg u weel dei klinkon. Wez mad grr!"
Red: "The feeling is mutual, Tribble scum! Unfortunately, I have orders to take you alive. So my motives will not be consistent with my usual murderous behaviour."
Troob: "Ai love u!"
Red: "How dare you? Perhaps I will forego my Captain's orders and kill you after all!!"
The Tribble jumps up and swings for Red's head. Red dodges back and grabs the Tribble in mid-air. While holding the Tribble with one hand, Red starts punching it in its body with his other fist.
Troob: "Wai o wai my hed hurtz??"
The weakened Tribble, still holding the mek'leth, whips it into Red's forehead, through the bandage, in the same spot he was injured before. Blood splatters out as he falls back into the floor and wall in dizzying-pain.
Red: "AAAGGGH!!!! ....You fight well, little fuzzy clump of purring fur."
Troob: "Klinkons fite weet onurr."
A group of Klingons meet in the Conference room. More and more start entering, angry and blood thirsty.
Kortos: "The Captain may have given us orders, but our violent hatred for the Tribble out-weighs the many."
Amos: "I thought you were killed?"
Kortos: "That EMH in Sickbay repaired the disrupter damage to my chest. He also gave me straight teeth. Take a look; no more cavities. I am simply amazed."
Amos: "By the hand of Kah'less. That is great teeth! ...Well, I was unimpaled of all those sharp weapons by the KMH - the Klingon Medical Hologram."
They look to their right and see the mad hologram standing next to them.
KMH: "You will tell me your medical emergency, or I will rip out your throat!!!"
Targon: "Perfect! We are all angry and ready to initiate killing procedures!"
Grath: "Except for me. I have had laryngitis all week from an accidental consumption of cyalodin."
Targon: "Are you kidding me? This is a pivotal moment. For years we have worked on this Federation ship nearly losing our Klingon identities. Now it is time to redeem them!"
Grath: "I promise to do my best. A Tribble once killed my brother."
Targon: "Very well. ARE WE KLINGONS READY?? YYEEEAAAHHHHHHRRGGGHH!!!!!!!!!"
The doors open as the room is flooded with an invasion of Tribble. The Klingons charge to attack as more and more Tribble break in and join the fight.
Down in Engineering, the Tribble have taken over. Both Kayl and the symbiont are brought to the centre of the room where the Tribble leader is sitting in a chair sipping a glass of blue drink.
Tribb: "Hai! Huv u eated Cardsasan fish juice b4? Wen utz chilled, utz tayst like Zeendi-Aquatzix."
Kayl: "Let us go, Tribble! This is a Federation starship and you're out of your jurisdiction! Also, why is it that you speak like that?"
Tribb: "Dat augment virezs eez poopy!"
Troeb: "O rly?"
Trabe, enters: "Wez attack Conferunce rhoom k thx."
Tribb: "Getz menny klinkog sevred heds!!"
Seif: "You don't even know what you're doing! If you want to take down the Klingons, you have to guard your safe zones and focus attacks on where the Klingons are gathered together drunkenly."
Trabe: "Eet mai killy jabber!"
The Tribble quickly brakes a nearby bottle of Kanar and points its sharpened edges at the symbiont.
Tribb: "Woh stop. I liek symbontz now!"
Seif: "I've been mulling over Klingon strategies ever since I learned of this war. Now step aside and take a look at these plans I drafted while sitting through all those boring interviews."
The symbiont accesses a console and displays the plans.
Kayl: "Commander, no!"
The senior staff are standing around the Bridge when muffled sounds of the battle in the Conference room are heard in the background.
Cell: "What the heck is that noise?"
Armond: "Captain, there have been fights all throughout the ship for the last fifteen minutes and all we have been doing here is nothing."
Cell: "I was mentally regenerating! It's a Changeling thing, you wouldn't understand."
He walks over to the back of the Bridge and walks through the door to the Conference room. Inside he witnesses all kinds of bloody chaos - with Klingons being stabbed through their torso and Tribble being vapourized to nothingness.
Zarkoth: "Klingon's are the bbbbeeeeeesssssstttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He runs and fires disrupter pulses at Tribble after Tribble, until another Tribble runs up his body and whips a bat'leth through his neck. Zarkoth is decapitated, with his head rolling over to Cell's feet. A Tribble runs over put its stubby paws onto it.
Triba: "O i gotz wun! Somezbedy get da hed sak!"
The Captain immediately shapeshifts a hundred tentacle arms and pins Tribble after Tribble against the bulkheads. A large blanket of Changeling protoplasm collects all the Klingons in the room and pins them to the walls aswell.
Cell: "Does ANYONE here know if Captain Boday likes hats? It's his birthday soon, and I'd like to get him something to cover that transparent skull of his."
The Klingons just look at each other, confused. Seconds later the door swishes open with the Bridge crew entering. They each take seats around the table, despite Cell's half-morphed state and the frozen battle all around them.
Armond: "Captain, I hope you don't mind, but we have scheduled this time. You have stressed the importance of adherence to meeting times in this room on several occasions yourself."
Kugo: "Hey, holographic Intelligence officer, how did the tribble even get to Armus IX in the first place?"
Mayhem: "The tribble have been traded and bred throughout the Quadrant for the last 13 years. In 2373, the U.S.S. Defiant was sent back to 2268 via the Orb of Time during Arne Darvin's failed attempt to kill Captain Kirk for a second time; Upon return, Sisko and his crew re-introduced tribble from the 23rd Century to the 24th Century."
Cell: "Any chance we can wrap this meeting up soon? My shapeshifted extensions are getting tired."
Wallace: "I just want to make this point, Captain. You see, we've seen tribble before! Earth had a few during that huge search for Spock, and the Enterprise-D had some for the children as pets."
Mayhem: "You are correct. Except the reason for that is the tribble have been a rare, endangered species ever since the Klingons wiped out their homeworld. They were not completely gone, but rather sparsely survived off-world."
Omega: "Now they are at war with the Klingons. This time able to fight back."
Cell: "Great meeting! Now let's all go out drinkin' Chateau Picard!"
Kugo: "Wait, sir. I have one more point, which is - their conflict is not our conflict. We serve Starfleet, and sometimes the Bajorans too!"
>Elena: "You'll serve who we say you'll serve!"
The screen suddenly clicks on, showing two Section 31 agents in a dim-lit room.
Lox: "Elena and Nelkast??"
>Nelkast: "That's right, Doctor! Your recent advancements have disgusted the genetic engineering community. The goal is to create stronger and faster super-humans. What is all this tribble trifle?"
Lox: "Genius comes in all sizes, Agent."
>Elena: "Yes, but not 'type-1 phaser'-size, Doctor."
>Nelkast: "Although your Captain can expect a 'Compression phaser rifle'-sized reprimand from Section 31-- a reprimand of the fist!!!!"
>Elena: "Due to your Captain's refusal to eliminate the tribble species."
Cell: "They're purring moth balls! What's the big deal???"
Wallace: "Not to mention General Verticon is using Starfleet resources for Klingon Empire goals. Our next mission is supposed to be finding the real Kahless. How is that even possible?"
>Nelkast: "The point is, Cell has ruined relations with Verticon! He is an important Klingon to be connected to, and if we lose him, we lose the Empire."
Cell: "I think we're forgetting that the Empire has been acting crazy lately; taking back Khitomer last year, and a Gorn planet this year. They're ruining their own relations with us!"
>Elena: "Have you learned nothing from Section 31? We care not for matters of state, but rather back room dealings and such!"
Nelkast: "Front-end politics is so passe! Ugh!"
The screen clicks off in upset. Cell releases all the Tribble and Klingons in the room, who are left to confusion.
Tiibe: "O noes! Timez to regroop."
Kortos: "Well, I think I'm going to go soak in a tub of blood-oils for a while."
The battle participants walk out to the corridors, while the senior staff step out onto the Bridge. On the Bridge, there are even more Tribble everywhere, controlling consoles and sitting in the Captain's chair. They have clearly taken over. The Seifer symbiont stands with them, staring out onto the view-screen.
Tribb: "Ie lub chairz. Yey me!"
Armond: "What the hell is going on here, Seifer's symbiont?"
All the Tribble suddenly aim phasers and disrupters at the senior staff.
Seif: "As you can see, we have taken over the Phoenix-X, like so many before! Only this time, you can't stop us. As we speak, a group of Tribble are giving simultaneous birth on Deck 14. Soon the whole of Vector 3 will be under control!!!"
Wallace: "You don't even care about the Tribble. You're just doing this to fulfill your ego!"
Seif: "Kirk got to have a big ego, so why not me?"
Trebi: "We'z in deppt of Symbontz for hez helph! Mai momma sedz so!"
Cell: "You mean, 'it'! And since you're in 'its' debt, why not hand the ship back over?"
Tribb: "Timez to send Phenexxs-Xs-z to klinkons hommewurld for eccstermenashun! Ai likez illegal torpedoz!! Wer's ma pantz?"
Cell: "It's time I shapeshifted out of this situation like Odo never did!"
Mayhem: "You have weapons trained on you, Captain. You are still a biological organism, am I right? No; we must face the embarrassing fact that we have been hijacked by Tribble."
Cell: "There must be thousands of them by now?"
Kugo: "Hundreds of thousands!"
Omega: "More like, one million, seven hundred seventy-one thousand, five hundred sixty-one. That is if you are starting with one Tribble with an average litter of ten every twelve hours over a period of three days averaging--"
Suddenly, the turbolift doors open and out walk Kayl, helping an injured Red.
Kayl: "Everybody, stop! I escaped the Tribble's grasp and brought someone who would like to say a few words."
Treeb: "O hai."
Red: "Yes, I know the Tribble are my enemy. But I believe that peace should be given a chance. The Tribble I fought in the elevator taught me that. Then I ate him."
Omega: "Omega is getting mixed signals."
Tribb: "Tribblez keel all klinkonks ded! lolz."
Everyone looks up at the screen as they notice the Phoenix-X has been at transwarp. The ship suddenly drops back into normal space and begins slamming torpedo after torpedo into two stray Klingon starships - one of them being the IKS B'Chnah.
Menchez: "What is that noise?? It is giving me a Klingon headache... and our headaches are not fun as you can see by our foreheads!!!"
The B'Chnah is then ripped through with a Transphasic torpedo, blowing half of the ship to pieces. The Vor'cha class starship is seen burning in space.
Meanwhile, the IKS Korinar's shields are penetrated and a team of Tribble beam quickly aboard, alerting the Bridge.
Kh'og: "I have challenged you to a fight, Captain. What is your response?"
Dargh: "My response is to inform you we have no time for this. We are being boarded!!"
Kh'og: "The Captain is wise. Perhaps you sleeping with my par'Mach'kai wasn't so bad after all?"
Dargh: "Oh, it was bad all right."
Kh'og: "I'll kill you!!!"
Just then, the doors the Bridge are blasted apart by a group of Tribble holding disrupters.
Teeb: "A klinkin told me dat 2dae iz a goot dae 2die. Den ai keeled hem ded! lolz!"
Elsewhere, a group of Klingons stand around a bunch of cargo containers in Cargo Bay 3.
Kaulani: "Reptiles. This is what you need to defeat the Tribble."
Targon: "You dare call a meeting of the sacred Klingons to this place during prayer hour? We should cut your head off, have Doctor Lox re-attach it, and then cut it off again!!"
Kaulani: "That would just get repetitious."
Amos: "Targon, I would tire of that easily."
Grath: "Then explain your cold open, Delta Quadrant creature. Before we serve several dishes of cold revenge!"
Kaulani: "Before the Tribble took over the Phoenix-X, like so many have before, your symbiont First in Command placed an order to the planet Iota Geminorum IV for twelve containers of assorted live reptiles."
Amos: "That symbiont of ours; always pulling unexpected scams!"
Kaulani: "I intercepted his order transmission of them while attempting to place an order myself for experiments of evil and madness. A shipment arrived this morning."
Targon: "Of course! The fast breeding Tribble population was always kept under control by these reptile creatures. After we Klingons wiped that planet in the 23rd century, we took it over and re-bred these reptiles for zoos."
Kaulani: "The very idea of observing a species without experimenting on them sickens me. That is why I couldn't use these."
Amos: "It looks like the Seifer symbiont was prepared to take out the Tribble if his first plan of joining them was not successful."
Targon: "By the Sword of Kahless... He is a better Commander in Trill symbiont form than he ever was in full Trill form!"
Kaulani: "Despite that, I recommend you Klingons use these reptiles to solve the issues you have with your... 'friends'. Yes, that's right; I said, 'friends' when they clearly are not."
Grath: "I refuse to accept that the Iota reptiles will do the job of a Klingon. It is not honourable!"
Amos: "We should ask the KMH for advice?"
KMH: "The Tribble are an intelligent species, now to be destroyed by our own hands. They are no longer just pests."
Grath: "You see!?"
Targon: "You will stand down, Grath, or I will make you stand down!"
Grath: "This has been a long time coming ever since our fencing game disaster, Targon. You want to go? Well, let's go!"
Targon: "You pierced my Klingon private place in a manner most unbefitting!"
The two tackle each other and begin a bloody fight all over the floor.
Minutes later, Targon wins so they open the doors to Cargo Bay 3, allowing a wide selection of slobbering, hungry Iota Geminorum IV reptiles scamper out into the corridors. The reptiles begin pouncing and eating Tribble left and right.
Back aboard the B'Chnah, the crew struggle to survive as the ship burns in space.
Derok: "Captain, we must evacuate the B'Chnah!"
Menchez: "No! No! I will not sacrifice the B'Chnah. We've made too many compromises already. Not again! The line must be drawn here! This far, no further! And I will make them pay for what they've done!"
Derok: "But your living quarters were blown out into space??"
Menchez: "That means I lost my horga'hn statue from Risa? I was going to seek jamaharon!"
Derok: "It's too late for that now! You're 68 years old!"
Up on the Bridge of the Phoenix-X, the Tribble manage to train all their weapons back onto the crew, stopping their attempted insurrection.
Armond: "How do they keep doing that!?"
Omega: "Omega do not want to harm cute fuzzy creatures. AAaawwwww!"
Just then, the trubolift doors open and more reptiles scatter out onto the Bridge. All the Tribble turn thier disrupters to the new enemy in shock.
Troba: "We iz got pwnd!!!!"
But the reptiles flow into the Bridge and bite into Tribble after Tribble. Blood and screams are heard throughout the Bridge.
Cell: "That is just... sick."
Kugo: "So let me get this straight; we couldn't take down the Tribble, but a bunch of reptiles could?"
Cell: "That seems to be accurate. I would've gone all shapeshifty-Changeling on them, but you know, crazy space radiation and stuff."
Kugo: "What? No there isn't?"
Cell: "Oh yah. It's like all over the place. Over there, and some over there. Crazy."
All of a sudden, Seifer's symbiont climbs up Kugo and sits on her head.
Seif: "AAAHHH! Save me from the reptiles! This is worse than the time we found those two Warp 10 reptiles in the Delta Quadrant."
Armond: "In their defense, they were in love."
Seif: "Were they? I think they were just victims of circumstance!"
Cell: "Enough of your bickering, symbiont. We'll save you, but you have to promise to return to your host body! The Doctor has informed me your host body's pressure-made open stomach hatch is still open and has been leaving a horrible smell in Sickbay."
Ensign Dan: "I just wanted to go in there and refill my prescription tricordrazine!"
Seif: "Ugh. That Trill body is so clumsy and huge. Its brain slows me down, and makes me read Todd Matthews' Hotel Royale over and over again!"
Cell: "You wanted to be a part of us people, well, being a person means accepting your responsibility. That body needs you to live."
Seif: "But everyone keeps saying I am a better Commander than he ever was!?"
Cell: "It pains me to say this, but that is a risk I'm willing to take."
Everyone suddenly notices around the Bridge that most of the Tribble have been slaughtered, except for a select few.
Tribb: "Doo not want! Xcape 2 klinkonks ship k thnx bai!"
It leaps onto the tactical console and transports all the remaining live Tribble from the Phoenix-X, and onto the Korinar. There, the Captain has been stabbed and beaten close to the brink of death.
Dargh: "....I never... got to see what you Tribble looked like shaved..."
He then passes out cold. The lead Tribble enters the Bridge, where every station has been taken over by a Tribble.
Tribb: "Repurt pls? Mah babiez ded."
Tebby: "Kornerr completszly tekan ovr & klinkns gone yay 4 me!"
Trilb: "Ai miss mai babiez 2. Tnx."
Tribb: "We muv fwd imeshiedly! Owr civilshun will bcome mr pwrful then evr! Ya!"
Til: "Noh repstilez!"
Taai: "Then I iz gonga has lolz!"
Tebby: "All shistemz rdy 4 axshun. Mah mommy iz u!"
Tribb: "Vry well mah ppl. Wurp nieyan & engadge!"
Meanwhile, the crew of the Phoenix-X watch as the Bird of Prey turns in space and jumps to warp.
Red: "We have to go after them!"
Armond: "According to Engineering, there are reptiles in the intermix chamber."
Kugo: "Again? I thought we got rid of all those baby Gorns?"
Armond: "No, these are much faster moving creatures. No dresses either."
Cell: "Lox, take this symbiont to Sickbay. Can't you see that his outer surface is beginning to dry and crust?"
Lox: "He looks worse than a Corvallen!"
The Doctor grabs the symbiont and leaves.
Wallace: "What about the B'Chnah? How many people survived?"
Armond: "The Phoenix-X has begun rescue operations, and according to sensors there are a total of 17 survivors... out of 150."
Kayl: "I can't believe the Tribble were able to do that much damage? Where were they during the Dominion War? Or the Tzenkethi war? Or even the Sheliak conflict? Fighting dark gue is not easy."
Cell: "They couldn't have done it without the Phoenix-X. What I don't get is, why they destroyed a tactically better Vor'cha class ship, but kept the Bird of Prey intact?"
Wallace: "They are small creatures, so they think in small terms. It's the sheer volume of them which is their greatest weapon."
Kayl: "They remind me of popcorn, but with fur."
Red: "All those Klingon warriors, dead. This has been a harsh thrust into the soul of the Klingon Empire."
Kayl: "I thought you liked Tribble now?"
Red: "After this, I am a sworn enemy to the Tribble. If I so much as see anything that resembles one of those creatures, I will kill it."
Lieutenant Elly walks by with her long hair tied up in bun, which Red immediately responds to by firing his disrupter at it.
Elly: "AAHH!!? What the hell?? I was just trying out the early Janeway look."
Red: "Do not ever wear that hairstyle again."
Elly: "Fine then. I didn't even like it anyway. I had to douse it with too much starch."
Throughout the decks, Security officers push shovels through the left over Tribble bodies, as the reptiles are vapourized one after the other all around.
GoyCho, phasering: "All this death reminds me of the time we set that crate full of Denobulan lemurs loose on the ship and hunted them and all their kidney's for sport."
Belm, sweeping: "Oh we ate good that night."
Meanwhile, Armond enters the Captain's Ready Room, interrupting a meeting with Cell and Menchez.
Armond: "Sir! The Srivani, Kaulani, has stolen a Shuttle and escaped to warp!"
Cell: "What? I would've returned her to the Delta Quadrant. Way to jump to conclusions, Delty."
Armond: "I think she's moved on, finally proving her creation of a sentient symbiont was a better match than Lox's Tribble. But the question is, was it?"
Cell: "Lieutenant, I approve of this line of questioning. It's too bad Lox wasn't here to wrap things up. But you did good in his place. Dismissed."
He leaves, as Menchez turns to Cell.
Menchez: "With most of my men gone, and the Starfleet exchange officer's that served with them, it is best you bring me to the nearest Klingon Outpost."
Cell: "This loss will take some time. I suggest a spiritual journey of the native American Indian kind. --On a side note, does the loss of your ship mean our exchange program is over?"
Menchez: "My Klingon warriors serving under you have all benefitted from this arrangement. Yes, some have begun shaving in almost all areas of their bodies, but for the most part their lives are rooted here."
Cell: "Well, could you take Stagohn back? He doesn't shower, and sleeps in the corridors sometimes."
Menchez: "Very well. As long as there is some kind of alliance between our people, this program will remain."
Cell: "Thank you. And I will continue to teach the Klingons, under my command, new ways to kill."
Menchez: "Would you be willing to part any of those teachings to me?"
Cell: "I'm already 2 days in to the class. You're just going to have to wait until my next cycle."
#Seifer: "Commander Seifer's log, Stardate 63896-point-2. My symbiont has been returned to my body, and has merged with me successfully. The EMH was kind enough to keep my body alive with a barrel full of Aldebaran sand leeches. They're all dead now. Speaking of death; what do I do with all the dead Tribble? As a once leader of them, I am thinking funeral service torpedo tube launches for each. It may take months, and cause a severe drain on ship resources, leaving us vulnerable to attack, but it is the right thing to do. End log."