Star Trek: Phoenix-X
The Cash Flow
(Captain Cell shows RaeLuna to the Battle Arena)
Cell: ...And this is where some of us practice fighting.
RaeLuna: What about them?
(She points at the centre floor where Maxy and Keno are trying to have sex)
Cell: Uhh... That's capoeira style.
(Seifer is in the Communications Room in subspace contact with a Ferengi dealer)
[Narf]: I have a deal for you, and what a deal it is. How about sixteen crates of Larvekken manure! It's highly edible.
Seifer: Not a chance, Ferengi. What do you want from us? Leave us alone!
[Narf]: But you are the one who contacted me.
Seifer: --Oh yeah. Sorry. Go on, what were you saying?
[Narf]: I have for you, the 3rd Moon of Keldore Prime, just 600 bars of gold-pressed Latinum!
Seifer: Nah.
[Narf]: Ah well, I see you may be interested in something more larger...? This is a rare estate; the Chord Star System, located in Sector 882.
Seifer: A whole Star System is for sale?
[Narf]: Yes! Just 10 000 bars of gold-pressed Latinum! But for you, let's make it 9500...
Seifer: I don't think so. Buying a whole Star System, that's going a little too far.
[Narf]: That is what many people come to conclude. But if you buy now, I'll throw in two crates of Larvekken manure...
Seifer: You've got a deal Ferengi!
(The Phoenix-X changes course towards the 800 Sector's. Captain Cell enters the Bridge)
Cell: What is the meaning of all this?
Amp: Commander Seifer ordered the change in course.
Cell: We're supposed to be heading for the Lobster Species home planet to test out our new boiling-water technology!
Seifer(enters the Bridge): Put your giant kitchen pot away, because we're on to something even better.
Cell: What chu talking bout, Seifer?
Seifer: I just bought an entire Star System!
RaeLuna: You bought a whole Star System? With planets and other such mysterious nebulae?
Seifer: Yeah. It was only 9500 bars of gold-pressed Latinum!
Cell: You idiot! That's our whole Latinum storage!
Seifer: So who cares? We own space outside the Federation! It's empty space, but we can put stuff in it.
Cell: The Federation gives us a certain amount of Latinum to use only for important things that help our missions. How am I supposed to buy a giant stirring spoon for our trip to the Lobster planet now?
Trunks: The buying and selling of space is against Mother Nature. She must be spinning in her grave.
Cell: That money is not to be spent frivolously. Commander, I want you to cancel this deal right now!
Seifer: I can't. I already traded. Didn't you notice that Ferengi Ship we were rendezvoused with?
Cell: No. I was regenerating!
Seifer: Hey I can't help it if your body is made out of liquid.
(The Phoenix-X drops out of Transwarp in Sector 882. The ship approaches the Ferengi Ship)
[Cell]: This is what we're gonna do. We're going to talk to the Ferengi and ask for the return of our money.
(Seifer nods. Narf comes out of the washroom and enters his Bridge to meet Cell on-screen)
Narf: Heh. Let's see the Larvekkens make use of that.
[Cell]: Listen to me Feregni. You better give us our money back, or my Ship is going to have a little problem with your Ship, and there won't be any finger-snapping girlfriend!
Narf: Is there something wrong with the purchase? I thought anybody would be happy to own their own Star System.
[Cell]: You tricked us into buying it! Besides, the Federation isn't interested in such objectives... Well, they are in a way... But... --Never mind! Just give us our Latinum supply back.
Narf: Rule of Acquisition 245; Star systems are not refundable.
[Cell]: Oh yeah? Rule of ass-kicking 178; we're going to kick your ass!
Narf: That's not a rule! Anyway, my Latinum isn't on my Ship. I keep it in a safe place, far away from here.
[Seifer]: That's smart. You didn't accidentally get my padd-list of black-market-contacts in that shipment? I can't find it anywhere.
[Cell]: Commander! I'm trying to negotiate here.
Narf: Your negotiation skills are useless! Now, if you want, I have this lovely Negotiators for Dummies program. It's 40 Bars of Latinum, but for you, I'll make it 30.
[Seifer]: Make it 20 and you have a deal.
Narf: Sold!
(After a short transaction, the Ferengi Ship rotates around and Warps out of there. The senior staff meets in the Briefing Room)
Cell: This meeting is being held to officially relieve Commander Seifer of his pull on this ship---
Seifer: Hey!
(A Silillian multi-tactical Battle Cruiser suddenly approaches the Phoenix-X and hails them. The Superintendent of the Battle Cruiser goes on-screen in the Briefing Room)
RaeLuna: The Silillians... Our ship doesn't stand a chance against them.
Cell(stands): I fear no one.
[Welth]: Silillian Crusier 7326 recognizes the Federation Starship Phoenix-X in Transfer Contract File 8-4a. I hereby welcome you to Silillian Territory.
Cell: Oh yeah? Well we're ready to defend ourselves against that!
Seifer: Wait a minute. This is Silillian Territory? We own this System.
[Welth]: Yes, it is known. The Ferengi transferred his rights over to your name. You now own the Chord System, which is in my Sector.
Trunks(shakes his head): ...Spinning in her grave.
Cell: Oh okay then. Well it was nice meeting you, Mr. Silillian. You're peoples reputation doesn't precede you at all. Whatever your reputation is.
[Welth]: Contrary to that, in accordance to your contract, you are expected to adhere to a monthly Latinum tax to me.
Seifer: Latinum tax! How much?
[Welth]: 200 Bricks. It's a lot, but I have Latinum tied up alien stocks and bonds throughout the Quadrant. Money must be circulated efficiently.
Cell: Sorconit! ...Uh, we'll get back to you on that.
(He clicks the screen off. The Silillian Cruiser turns around and Transwarps out of there. The senior staff is put back on duty, and Cell and Seifer walk out to the back of the Bridge)
Lox: There's no problem. We can pay this month's rent with the 500 Bricks we have in storage.
Seifer: Oh, I uhh, kind of spent that on some celebrity used clothing. I now have Jim Carrey's Hawaiian flower shirt he died in! I'm gonna try it on later.
Cell: You idiot! Now I have to get more Latinum!
Lox: If we're working for money now, I want to get paid.
Trunks: But Doctor, shouldn't helping the sick and needy be its own reward?
Lox: Hell no.
Cell: RaeLuna, see if you can route a transmission to Starfleet through the Micro-Wormhole Array.
RaeLuna(taps at the floating panels): Got it.
(The small screen at the back of the Bridge clicks on)
[Nelkast]: Phoenix-X. It is good to hear from you. Hurry; say something so that my previous statement becomes true.
Cell: Nelkast, we need an emergency Latinum refill.
[Nelkast]: Understood. I'll patch you in to the most available Starship.
(The screen clicks off and the on again to someone else)
[McCary]: This is the Tsunami. What's up?
Cell: You have to come to Sector 882 with 200 Bricks of gold-pressed Latinum. We're in the Chord System.
[McCary]: It'll take us forever to get to that Sector! Some of us don't have the luxury of Transwarp you know.
Cell: Whatever! Just come! ...And don't doddle!
[McCary(grumbles)]: ...Don't be telling me not to doddle~ stupid walking jello man.
(The Phoenix-X treks through the Chord System. They pass a few Planets, and the Chord Sun is viewable in the distance)
Amp: So is there any life in our Territory?
RaeLuna(scans): Actually yeah. I'm picking up a humanoid civilization on the third planet from the Sun.
Amp: Humanoid? I'm sick of running into Humanoids! Why can't we meet a Fishanoid or Horseanoid species for once?
RaeLuna: Oh my God, they're hailing us.
(The main screen clicks on, on the Bridge. A humanoid with a fish-like mouth and horse-like neck greets them)
[Zeret]: Greetings from the planet Chords.
RaeLuna: This is the Federation Starship Phoenix-X. Your body wouldn't happen to be that of a giant chicken would it?
(The Phoenix-X takes orbit of the planet Chords. Four Chord ambassadors beam aboard, meeting Cell and Seifer in the Transporter Room)
Cell: Welcome aboard gentlemen.
Zeret: So, you people are the new leasers of the System, eh?
Seifer: Yup.
(All four Chord ambassadors suddenly get down on their knees and praise Cell and Seifer)
Zeret: We worship you, oh masters of the System!
(Seifer and Cell just glance at each other in confusion)
Cell: Huh?
Litret: You are the new owners of the Chord System, so now we worship you.
Zeret(praises): Praise be to you, lords of the Chords!
(Lox sits in Sickbay trying to get a modified Replicator to work)
Trunks: What is that supposed to do?
Lox: I want this Replicator to make biological organs. That way when someone gets sick, I can replace one of their organs.
Trunks: What if their sickness does not require an organ transplant?
Lox: I don't care. I created this organ Replicator for something and it is going to get used whether they like it or not!
(The Phoenix-X moves around the System, scanning each of the 8 Planets)
RaeLuna: Fascinating.
Amp: I know, they're all so planety.
RaeLuna: No! I mean, I'm picking up a strange elkon mineral in the sands of each of these Planets that has never been discovered before.
Amp: We should beam aboard some samples.
RaeLuna: Agreed.
Amp: We should also beam aboard some normal rocks just for fun.
RaeLuna: I do not agree with that.
(Matt and Kugo are in the Research Lab tricorder-scanning a grain of elkon sand suspended in mid-air behind a force field)
Matt: It doesn't seem harmful, or have any radiation.
Kugo: Sure that's what you say now, but wait 'till you start growing a third butt cheek, then you'll be complaining.
Matt: Aahh!
(Matt runs out of there, scared)
Yeltso: Okay, Doctor. I'm ready for some medical attention.
(Lox kicks his Replicator in anger trying to get it to work. He gets an idea and takes a handful of elkon sand. He pours it into his Replicator's reserves chamber and taps at the controls)
Lox: Maybe this stuff will make it work. Do not worry Ensign, I will make you a new liver.
Yeltso: But I only have a flesh wound, and it's on my elbow.
(The Replicator materializes a liver, except for the fact that it is golden)
Lox: What the--?
(He picks it up finding it heavy. Yeltso scans it)
Yeltso: It's Latinum. It's real Latinum.
(Lox puts it down and makes the Replicator make a bar of Latinum)
Lox: ...Oh my God. We can replicate Latinum!
Yeltso: Cool.
Lox(grabs Yeltso's arm): Don't you see!? We can make our own money!
Yeltso: I said, Cool... --Owe! My flesh wound!
(The Phoenix-X treks near the 8th Planet's orbital boundary)
Seifer: Wow... I can't believe this entire Star System is ours... It should be cherished and preserved with great care.
(He stands at the Bridge, admiring the view on-screen)
Seifer: This is starting to get boring. I wish we had more planets... Hey, I know!
(He gets the Phoenix-X to pull left towards a bunch of enormous awkwardly shaped Asteroids that are just entering the System with momentum. The Phoenix-X tractor beam redirects them one by one, placing them on top and around each other, forming them into a new Planet)
*McCary*: Captain's Log, Stardate 56162-point-6. The Tsunami is en-route to the 800 Sectors; a place where only one or two Federation Starships have been. So, I can't really say it is where no man has gone before. But on the up side, my crew is very excited to be going there.
(The Tsunami speeds through space at Warp. Two people sit in the Briefing Room, playing their fourth game of 3d chess)
Ralph: This journey is taking forever.
Morris: I know; tell me about it. I don't even care what our mission is anymore.
Ralph: The boredom is so unbearable!
Morris: Hey I have an idea! Wanna take turns smacking our heads against the wall and regenerating the injuries with the medical kit?
Ralph: Okay!
(The Phoenix-X passes near the 3rd Chords Planet. Delegates and other representatives from the Chords Planet beam aboard and flood jewelry, coins and other such riches at the Captain's feet)
Lernet: Please accept these gifts from your humble children. Praise you! Praise you and your little dog too!
Seifer: You guys don't have to do this.
Cell: Yeah.
Wormek: Nonsense! We insist.
(He takes out a statue of Captain Cell sitting cross legged with four arms, and bows before it)
*Kugo*: Kugo to Cell; please report to Sickbay.
(Cell liquefies his way to Sickbay, and Seifer takes a turbolift. Once he enters, he notices the Captain accidentally shape shifted with an extra pair of arms)
Cell: Oops. Hey, that's where they got that idea!
(One of the east indian hindu crewmembers walks by)
Kugo: Captain, you'll never believe what we can do!
Seifer: Wear your left shoe on your right foot?
Kugo: No. We can replicate Latinum! We have unlimited money!
Cell: Really?
Lox: Yeah. I used some of the sand samples RaeLuna beamed aboard as reserves for my modified Organ Replicator. I can make a heart of gold! Of course, it'd probably kill you.
Trunks: The sand minerals must have some molecular similarities to Latinum and Gold.
(Captain Cell walks over to the Replicator and places his hand on it)
Cell: Normally I'd be against such outrageous atrocities... but unlimited money? That's pretty shway.
(The Phoenix-X Transwarps to another Sector. They rendezvous with a Valecron TechShip)
Seifer: Hi, I'd like your most lethal Torpedo.
[Exnor]: That'd be the K-17 Graviton Trans-Phasic. It's extremely destructive and can destroy Planets with one shot.
Seifer: I'll take ten of those, and three How to Commit Mass Murder for Dummies programs.
(A Ferengi Fleet of Starships catches up to the Phoenix-X in Sector 896)
[Oroh]: We were wondering if you'd be interested in trading for a few crates of Signature Klingon Blood Wine?
Meghk: Yes, of course!
Grath: Definitely! ...But there better not be any pulp in it.
(The Phoenix-X docks at the Sector 894 Engine Apex Centre)
[Hwoarang]: ...Yeah, I've got a couple interesting faster-then-Warp engines and parts lying around. But I don't think I could just sell them.
Kugo: Would this change your mind?
(She steps to the side, revealing a pyramid stacking of Latinum bricks)
[Hwoarang]: Would it ever! Okay, then! I'll even throw in the parts that'll make the engines actually work and not break down like they were supposed to.
(BOB enters a tall room on the Phoenix-X, filled with coins. Ensign Dan stands at the top of the money-bin and then dives into the money)
Ensign Dan: Wohoo! Yeah! I feel like Scrooge McDuck!
BOB: Those coins have been handled by many filthy and possibly diseased alien hands. You have no idea where they've been!
(Ensign Dan starts getting a skin allergic reaction)
Ensign Dan(scratching): Oh my God! Aaahh!!!
(Out the side of the Phoenix-X, at the window of RaeLuna's Quarters, an outdoor balcony is constructed by many alien Construction Workers)
RaeLuna: Do you really think this is necessary?
Trunks(looking over the blueprints): The crew said to indulge ourselves.
(Her entire Quarters are remade, including marble floors, a chandelier, elegant tables, velvet curtains, and mini-waterfalls with palm trees)
[Ieka]: The transfer is complete.
(The Phoenix-X is rendezvoused with a Larvekken Freighter. Doctor Lox makes his own purchase from Sickbay)
Lox(holding a data-card): Yes! My own Doctor's license!
(A couple Descenite Shuttles pass by, as the Phoenix-X re-enters the Chords System)
Seifer: Hey! Get out of Phoenix-X Territory before I blast you out of the stars!
[Genzin]: Aaah!
(The Descenite Shuttles speed out of there. Seifer admires the view of the Chords Planets and Sun on screen)
Amp: ...And they say you can't tell other people what to do.
(The Phoenix-X approaches a small uninhabited Planet)
Seifer: I'm bored... I know! I'll blow up this Planet just for fun.
Amp: Commander! Are you sure that is wise?
Seifer: Yeah.
(The Phoenix-X loads a Graviton Trans-Phasic Torpedo and launches it at the Planet. The Torpedo passes through the surface and ignites at the core of the Planet, rupturing the internal rock and blowing large and tiny pieces out into space)
Seifer: Hahahaha! Sometimes you just have to blow up a Planet just to get a few laughs.
(The Ferengi Ship courses through space)
Wun: I am picking up a Federation Starship... and it has Latinum! Not many Federation Starships carry Latinum.
Narf: Yes but the Feregni fleet has depleted all our Ships' stock for some reason. They say someone is going around buying everything.
Wun: Should we just leave it then?
Narf: Hmm... Rule of Acquisition 126; When you're out of goods to trade, point at something far away and then take their money. Then refer to Rule 127.
Wun: What's Rule 127?
Narf: Rule of Acquisition 127; Run!
Wun: Narf. Do you ever get the feeling that much of our ways are dishonest?
Narf: You're forgetting that our value system differs from others. We even encourage grave-robbing.
(Three tractor beam Devies are launched from the Ferengi Ship; they zoom over and surround the Tsunami as its flying through space. The Devices lock tractor beams onto the Tsunami, and enforce radiation pulses onto their shields)
Ralph: Captain, shields are weakening!
(The Tsunami is rotated to an angle by the tractor beam Devices. Five Ferengi beam into the Tsunami's cargo bay, who place pattern enhancers around the Latinum pyramid and beam it out)
Narf: Hahahahaha! This reminds me of my grave-robbing years.
(The Ferengi Ship breaks off and jumps to Warp. The Tsunami fires phasers exploding the tractor beam Devices and breaks off course as well, jumping to Warp after them)
McCary(checks status): We have hull damage. Seal off decks 14 and 13!
(The Tsunami gains on the Feregni Ship, firing photon torpedoes onto their backs. Both ship's are knocked out of Warp. The Tsunami and the Feregni Ship go spinning into a Descenite Space City)
Wun: Aahh! What's the rule that helps us get away??
(The Feregni Ship crashes into a Descenite Service Station and gets stuck against it. People escape on transport pods. The Tsunami slows itself down and approaches the crash site. They beam the Latinum back, including some extra Latinum, and then Warp out of there)
Qinna: Greetings. We are a lost people who are looking for a Planet to live on. There is only 4000 of us. It's not a lot if you don't think about the number.
(A small Renokian Ship orbits the 3rd Chords Planet with the Phoenix-X. Their head of state meets with Captain Cell in the Conference Room)
Cell: I can have my people examine the Planets here for a place that can be habitable---
Litret: We praise you! The owners of the System!
(A couple Chord worshippers are right beside them, kneeling and bowing at them)
Qinna: Uhh, anyways. Like I was saying; our people have technology that enables us to do stuff---
Litret: We praise you! You hold the deed to our System!
(He throws a sacrificial lamb with five legs on the table)
RaeLuna: I've had one of those before. They're good.
Qinna: --Argh!! Do they have to keep doing that!? It's so annoying!
Litret: We're not praising you; we're praising them!
(He goes back to praising Cell and RaeLuna)
Litret: Praise you!! Please accept our offerings as a sign of killing ability.
(The small Renokian Ship detaches orbit and Warps back to its own space. The Phoenix-X also detaches orbit, as Cell enters the Bridge)
Cell: We'd better help the Renokains. It's the decent thing to do.
Seifer: The who? Oh well it's probably not important.
(RaeLuna starts scanning the Chord System for any other habitable planets but suddenly notices a school of space Creatures flocking around. Each creature fades in and out of layers of space at their own leisure)
Cell: What are those things?
Seifer: Oh them? They're these creatures called Zeches; they're a sub-species of the Trump, only with not as much bio-electric energy. They're like pets.
Cell: That's nice. What the hell are they doing here!?
Seifer(smiles): I bought them! Don't you think they make a great wildlife addition to the System?
Cell: Argghh...
Seifer: I'll take that as a yes.
(The Phoenix-X leaves the Chords System on Kugo's request. Kugo enters Engineering)
Kugo: Isn't this great having all this money? Now I get to test out these new engines!
Matt: I know! I bought a new thought-wave-enhancer module. Now I can make my brain think of anything I want with a push of a button!
(Kugo shrugs her shoulders and activates the new Hyper-Space Drive)
Kugo: Come on, we have to make this thing work. Now, when the power output looks as if it's going to overload, I want you to hit the engine with a particle-wrench.
Matt: Right.
(The Phoenix-X powers up. It accelerates, stretching into a long strand of matter that swirls around in space. It doesn't really go anywhere, but it does make swirling movements)
Froka: What the heck is that?
(A Valecron Ship sits in space, watching the Phoenix-X rematerializing. They hail them)
Froka: Valecron Ship to Federation Ship. We have rendezvoused with you upon request.
[Cell]: Yes. I'll redirect you in to Grath and Meghk.
(The screen clicks to another Deck on the Phoenix-X)
Froka: I have for you the Blood Pietas you ordered.
[Grath]: Yes, thank you. We like all our foods and drinks to have an element of blood in it.
[Meghk]: Hey guess what. We have so much money! Hahahaha!
Froka: Oh.
[He watches on-screen as Grath and Meghk toast their newly bought blood-wine and drink huge gulps]
[Grath(spits it out)]: Yeaggghh!! There is pulp in this!!
[Meghk(spits his out too)]: That is just straight up disgusting!
(Yeltso enters Engineering where the Hyper-Space Drive shuts down, having made everyone nauseous)
Matt: I think I'm going to be sick!
(He runs out Engineering, meanwhile Kugo kicks the Hyper-Space Drive)
Kugo: Stupid engine! It didn't even take us anywhere. If anything, it brought us a couple feet backwards!
(Her kick knocks an aluminum piece off the Hyper-Space core that falls and ricochets off of Yeltso's head)
Yelsto: Owe!!
(Yeltso leaves and goes to Sickbay. Lox tries replicating an organ in the normal replicators)
Lox: It's not working. Maybe I should buy a new replicator. That's a great idea! I love being able to make my own money.
Yeltso: That's nice Doctor, but what about this gushing wound on the side of my forehead?
Lox: No problem, Yeltso. I am a Doctor, you know.
(He shows off his Doctor's License with pride)
Yeltso: I know that.
(The License card suddenly breaks in the Doctor's hands from pinching a weak spot in its structure. It falls to pieces to the floor)
Lox: Dammit!! They told me this was quality card technology!
(He leaves Sickbay in irritation)
Yeltso: Ggrrggh!
(The Phoenix-X makes another trip to a Larvekken Freightor for trading. Yeltso enters her Quarters where her boyfriend, Ensign Dan, is contacting a Larvekken on-screen)
Ensign Dan: Right. I'll take four merkin locknoshes, a rethnokomeg, two tergs of klegnertras sonkrods filperents, and a crate of yak cheese.
[Ieka]: Was that the rethnokoneg or the nethrokomek?
(Yeltso holds a bandage around her head, not being noticed by Ensign Dan who continues to make deals with the Larvekken)
Yeltso: Argh! All you care about is spending your precious money! You don't have time for me anymore! ...That's it. You're relieved of duty!
Ensign Dan: Huh? But you can't---
Yeltso: I said, you're relieved!
(The Phoenix-X makes a couple more trips around other merchants, until finally returning to the Chords System)
Cell: We're certainly spending our money.
Seifer: I bought a DVD Player! It's some of the ancient earth technology that I want to collect.
[They notice the Zeches space creatures on-screen, fighting each other, back-flipping and charging at their counter parts]
Cell: That's not right. Weren't you supposed to feed them and take care of them?
RaeLuna(scans): They're reacting to our absence. They haven't learnt any discipline!
(A Zeche, about half the size of the Phoenix-X, swims over and smacks its tail against the Phoenix-X's hull in anger)
Cell: Hey!
(Another Zeche speeds over to the 3rd Chords Planet and spits out small amounts of energy at the surface)
Cell: Seifer, load phasers.
Seifer: With pleasure! --I mean, my poor space creatures! How could we?
(The Phoenix-X archs around and fires phasers at the Zeche attacking the planet. The Zeche flys away scared, as the Phoenix-X turns to face the other Zeche. That Zeche swims away, knowing it was about to be fired at)
Amp: When space-animals attack...
(A couple Renokian Ships return to the Chords System. Seifer and RaeLuna beam over to their lead-ship)
Qinna: Thank you for seeing us. I know you have been having trouble with those Zeches. So what about a habitable planet?
RaeLuna(turns on a diagram): Well, as far as we can tell, the most habitable planet was destroyed the other day. Jee... I wonder who could've done that.
(She looks at Seifer, making him feel guilty)
Seifer: Oops. Well it was in our way, and we were trying to go in a straight line!
RaeLuna(scrolls the diagram): Strangely enough, there is another habitable planet, if you adapt proper environmental generators to it... Although, it looks like it was pieced together.
(Qinna and RaeLuna squint their eyes looking at all the cracks and plate displacement of the surface, on-screen)
Seifer: Oh, uhh--- yeah, that's a quality Planet. You don't get better planets than that.
(The group of Renokian Ships depart the Phoenix-X's company and head off to the pieced-Planet, to make their new home. Meanwhile, Sectors away, the Federation Starship Tsunami continues on, on course at Warp 6)
Deborah: Captain, we have to replace most of the plasma couplings. Damages to Decks 14 and 13 are unrepairable unless we dock at a starbase.
McCary: Curses! I hate those pesky Ferengi! --Pesky!
(The crew works on fixing the ship up. Ralph enters the Bridge)
Ralph: At least we were able to get more Latinum from them.
McCary: ...That's true. Hahaha! We're the best. --Pesky!
(Lieutenant Morris is in the Cargo Bay, trying to steal some Latinum for himself)
Morris: Heh, heh, heh, it's all mine!
(He puts a brick of Latinum down his pants)
Morris: Owe!! Forget it. I don't want any of this!
(He turns to the pile of Larvekken manure)
Morris: Heh, heh, heh, it's all mine!
(The Renokian people finally settle on their new Planet in the Chords System. Environmental generators regulate the atmosphere and plant life. The head of state activates a screen in her Office)
Qinna: We hope to keep an open communication with you. We are forever in your debt.
[Cell]: It was our pleasure.
[On a screen in the background, the voices of the Chords people are heard]
[*Zeret*]: Praise to the Phoenix-X! We love it! Even lustfully!
Qinna: Aarrgghh! Those people are so annoying.
(The screen clicks off. She walks out her office to admire the city that's being built by her people. He turns around to admire the military equipment already built)
Gerone: Head of State. We have constant subspace noise on speakers. It's the Chords Worshippers. They won't stop worshipping the Federation Starship.
Qinna: I hate those people!
Gerone: I know, tell me about it. Let's wage war with them.
Qinna: Alright.
(The pieced-Renokian Planet has its interstellar missile launchers, fire a Photon Missile into space. The Phoenix-X notices the missile flying past them and hitting the 3rd Chords Planet)
Cell: What the--?
(More missiles are fired. The Chords contact the Phoenix-X again, having destroyed land and villages flaming in the background)
[Wormek]: Phoenix-X! How could you let this happen to us? We praised you! We loved you, even lustfully!
Cell(shrugs): I dunno.
(One of the missiles soars through space, hitting a Zeche. The Zeche gets angry and starts spitting energy spurts at oncoming Missiles)
{Zeche}: Rrrrrrrrrrhhh!!
(The other Zeches come around spitting energy spurts everywhere, and at other Zeches. They flock to the Phoenix-X and fire spurts at it relentlessly)
Cell: Hey!
(The Phoenix-X backs off, as the Zeches follow. Amp gets the Phoenix-X to twirl away, and speed out of the System. The Zeches follow, until the Phoenix-X makes a hard right, misleading the Zeches to continue on through space without the Phoenix-X)
Amp: Got rid of 'em.
Cell: Good work!
Amp: Since we're out here, we might as well head to the Hekacos Social for more trading. I want to buy holographic stuff.
Cell: Are you pressing your luck with me?
Amp: Yes.
Cell: Okay.
(The Phoenix-X returns to the Chords System after having visited Hekacos Social. Lox enters the Surgery Ward)
Lox: Hey, I got a new Doctor's Lisence! This time it's laminated.
EMH: That's nice. While you were gone, I was forced to perform three surgeries!
(Commander Seifer enters the Captain's Ready Room)
Seifer: You requested to see me?
Cell: Yes. I've been contacted by the Renokian Head of State. They have a complaint---
Seifer: Hey guess what! I bought us a shway new thing for the Star System!
Cell(stands): It better be better than those stupid Zeches that kept running a muck.
Seifer: What a coincidence. That's exactly what I--- wait a second...
(He pauses in thought. Captain Cell turns around and looks out the window, seeing a totally new flock of Zeches, fading in and out of space at their own leisure)
Cell: You idiot! You bought exactly the same thing as last time!
Seifer: Oops.
(The Phoenix-X heads over to the pieced-Planet, which seems to be undergoing evacuation. The group of Renokian Ships emerge from the Planet's surface and pass by)
Trunks: What's going on? I thought they liked that Planet.
[Qinna]: You fools! Not only did you give us a planet that was pieced together, but you gave us a planet that was pieced together from our old destroyed planet!!!
Seifer: Whoa, that's weird.
Cell: Please, we greatly apologize---
[Qinna]: This is way past apologies! Not to mention we keep falling through the cracks!! ...We are so insulted. Never trust the Federation!!
Ensign Dan: I don't.
Trunks: If we may inquire; what happened to your old planet?
[Qinna]: It was destroyed by Zeches!
(The group of Renokian Ships Warp out of there)
Deborah: Captain, approaching co-ordinates.
(The Tsunami speeds through Warp, finally dropping out to normal space. They slowly enter the Chords System)
McCary: Well we finally made it. Now my crew can stop smacking their heads against the walls and healing the injuries.
[Cell]: Greetings Captain. You'll never believe what's been going on here. It's crazy.
McCary: We've brought the Latinum as needed. It was a tough journey but we did it. You may even find more Latinum than you asked for, if my crew didn't steal it.
[Cell]: Oh, thanks, but we don't need that Latinum anymore. We have an abundant source. We can make our ow---
McCary: Wait a second. Heh, heh... You don't need the Latinum anymore? Am I hearing this right? ...We go through hell to get here, and for what, nothing!?
[Cell]: No, but---
McCary: Forget it! I don't even care what's been going on here! We're leaving! ...I don't even like birds! A phoenix is a bird!!
(A subspace message echoed throughout the Sector, as the Tsunami turns around and Warps out of there to get back to Federation Space)
Cell(shakes his head): He'll eventually stop being mad at us.
Seifer: What makes you say that? We ignored him five years ago when we were in command of the fleet, and about a year and a half ago we ran his Ship into the ground of the Ceaven homeworld.
Cell: Yeah but it was all in good fun.
RaeLuna: Captain, we're being hailed.
[Zeret]: Greetings Phoenix-X.
Cell: Hey, Chords people. Aren't you going to praise us?
Seifer: Yeah, I'm in the need for some worship.
[Zeret]: No!! That message was from the Silillians. They're raising their Latinum tax because of those Renokians, and we know you'll never be able to afford it! ...We'll be waiting for our new leasers of the System.
(The screen clicks off)
Cell: What an idiot. We have unlimited money.
Seifer: Yeah! Hahahha.
(The rest of the crew on the Bridge laughs too)
Cell: Hahaha. Uh oh, we'd better sell. Hahahaha!
(The rest of the crew laughs more)
Kugo: You'd better take a look at this.
(Lieutenant Commander Kugo carries the Enhanced Replicator into the Research Lab where Trunks and Lox are)
Lox: You can't make us do anything!
Kugo: No! Watch what happens when I replicate a slip of latinum.
(She places the Replicator on the table and replicates a slip of latinum, which she picks up. The latinum suddenly starts to disintegrate into nothing)
Trunks: What is going on?
Kugo: That latinum we replicate doesn't last! The molecular configuration of the elkon sand won't let it.
Lox: What exactly are you trying to say, pointy-eared woman?
Kugo: The larger the latinum, the slower the process of disintegration. All the latinum we've been replicating has been disintegrating without us even noticing it!
(Lox and Trunks just glance at each other in awareness)
Trunks: ...As an android, I feel a great surge of electromagnetic energy where surprised emotion-- or gas, could have been.
(A Valecron TechShip suddenly approaches the Phoenix-X. They lock Graviton Trans-Phasic torpedoes onto the Phoenix-X)
[Exnor]: Your money was fake!! You better return those Torpedoes you bought from us or else I'll blow you out of the stars!!
Seifer: Huh? What are you talking abou---
[Exnor]: My finger's hanging above the fire button...!
Seifer: Okay okay! Jeez. I'll return all seven Torpedoes.
[Exnor]: Argh! ...Wasn't there ten...?
Seifer: Uhh, no. We agreed on seven after I found out you were going out with my ex-girlfriend.
[Exnor]: Oh yeah.
(The torpedoes are tractor beamed over. The Phoenix-X suddenly Transwarps out of there)
Exnor: Wait a minute... I'm gay!
(Amp is contacted over subspace in his Quarters)
[Hagoth]: You bought various holographic items from me. I want them back!!
Amp: But your currency is different. I didn't even pay you in latinum.
[Hagoth]: I know. But knowing that you traded that money dishonestly with fake latinum makes me so mad! So, I want that holographic stuff back! Remember, it's holographic!
(RaeLuna enters her Quarters where alien Construction Workers are repossessing and dismantling the balcony, elegant tables, and velvet curtains)
RaeLuna: Hey! You can't do this to me!
(They take out the waterfalls that have been frozen)
RaeLuna: Fine! No one else could enter my Quarters anyway because that stupid balcony was open to cold space. That's right! I can breathe in space too!
(The Phoenix-X is forced to stop off at a few more places to return more of the things they bought. They're approached by the Silillian multi-tactical Battle Cruiser)
Welth: Tax Alteration Contract File 7-2c. I hereby have raised the tax 40 percent. Where's my money?
[Cell]: Uhh. It's, um, right here... Yeah...
[He glances over at a pyramid pile of fake latinum behind him]
Welth: Good. Beam it over right now.
(The Phoenix-X beams it over, and suddenly Transwarps out of there as fast as possible)
Grath: Now we have nothing! We have dishonoured our ancestors.
(The Phoenix-X enters the Chords System, with all their stuff having been returned)
Meghk: No we haven't.
Grath: You're right! Let's get back to ship operations!
(They leave the Bridge. Seifer takes command)
Seifer: I'm bored... I know! I'll blow up some Planets just for fun.
Amp: Commander! Are you sure that is wise?
Seifer: Yeah.
(The Phoenix-X loads one of the remaining Graviton Trans-Phasic Torpedos and approaches a planet. The torpedo is launched at the planet, exploding it. The pieces fly past as the Phoenix-X turns around for the next planet)
Seifer: This is shway!
Amp: What's with the sudden use of this word, 'shway'?
Seifer: Don't bad mouth the word!
(The Phoenix-X fires another torpedo at another planet. The planet explodes)
Seifer: This is our last Graviton Trans-Phasic Torpedo...
Amp: Don't you think we should have saved them for future alien attacks?
Seifer: Nah. Besides, what are the odds we'll ever be attacked by aliens ever again?
(The Phoenix-X approaches a crystalline planet, firing the torpedo into it. A hidden energy within the planet reacts to the explosion, causing the planet to explode more exotically. This affects the entire System, offsetting all the Planets to a different orbit around the Chord sun)
Seifer: Oops.
(The 3rd Chord Planet is thrown off orbit completely, forcing all the inhabitants to evacuate on Chord Starships. The group of Chord Starships each Warp out of there in search of a new place to live)
Seifer: Oops again.
Amp: I hope they're more successful than the Renokians.
Seifer: Who knows; perhaps they will be forced to live together on the same planet... Thus proving my scientific theory that irony does exist.
Amp: They better not. I hate irony!
(The Phoenix-X is suddenly approached by the Silillian multi-tactical Battle Cruiser. It zooms over head, firing at the Phoenix-X)
Cell: Battle-stations!
(The Phoenix-X aims its tri-focal array onto the Battle Cruiser, draining its forward shields. They then fire a quantum torpedo, exploding a part of the Crusier)
Welth: You gave me faulty latinum!
(The Battle Cruiser regenerates its shields and swings underneath the Phoenix-X, planting pulsonic mines. The mines hover underneath the Phoenix-X as its about to get away, but explode in time. The Phoenix-X is badly damaged and is flipped around)
[Welth]: Falsifying latinum is punishable by destruction!
(The Phoenix-X picks up speed and comes around, firing enhanced quantum pulses. The hits trail along the back of Battle Cruiser)
[Cell]: It was an accident!
(The Battle Cruiser rotates around and stops its rapid fire of silencer torpedoes. The Phoenix-X notices and also comes to a halt)
[Welth]: An accident!? Oh, okay then.
Cell: ...That's right-- huh?
[Welth]: This System has become useless now anyway. There are now only 4 Planets! One of which looks like it was put together.
Cell: So what are you saying?
[Welth]: I'm saying I don't need no latinum tax! I just won big on the intergalactic stocks and bonds. Plus, there is the fact I don't completely understand the organization you come from. So, whatever.
(The Silillian multi-tactical Battle Cruiser turns and Transwarps out of there. The Phoenix-X sits in space, as RaeLuna is cleaning up her Quarters. The doorbell rings)
RaeLuna: Come in.
(Captain Cell passes through a forcefield to enter. He is holding the Enhanced Replicator)
Cell: I hated that balcony you had. It made the ship look so stupid.
RaeLuna: Well it's gone now. All that's left is this hole in the wall.
Cell(nods): I also hate this piece of crap.
(He throws the Replicator out the hole and into space. The Replicator just floats away)
RaeLuna: Nice throw, sir.
(A badly damaged Feregni Ship approaches the border of the Chord System. They scan the area)
Narf: Hey! I'm picking signs of a Replicator. It has latinum molecules on its service pad.
Wun: A Replicator that can make latinum? The Federation hates money. That Federation Ship must've tossed it out!
Narf: Hahaha! Those fools!
(The Phoenix-X approaches the Feregni Ship at the border of the System)
Seifer: Halt! No one enters our Territory.
[Narf]: But I am your friend. I sold you this Territory!
Seifer: You tricked me! What happened to your ship? There is Descenite debris on it.
[Narf]: None of your business! We, heh, heh, we want that Replicator that's floating around over there.
Cell(walks over): Sorry. It's in our Territory... No entrée esta Chord Systeeha.
Seifer: Rule of ass-kicking 245; when your black-market dealer won't refund you, kick his ass.
[Narf]: Uhh... We'll, uhh, pay you for it!
Cell: Nope.
[Narf]: Argh!
Cell: But you know; we are looking to rent out a certain large estate...
[Narf]: We'll pay anything!
Cell: How about 500 bricks of gold pressed latinum every month for the next two years, with a down payment of 600 bricks...?
[Narf]: Yes! Anything!
Cell: Oh and it has to be real latinum, none of that fake stuff that has been going around.
[Narf]: We agree! We agree!
Cell: Very well gentlemen. You have just bought yourself rental space in the Chord System.
[Narf]: Great!
(The Feregni Ship crosses the border past the Phoenix-X and heads for the floating replicator)
[Cell]: ...You now rent out a fraction of Chord space, which is in my System.
Narf: Yeah, yeah, yeah; Mother Nature must be spinning in her grave; let's just get the business aspect of this over with!
(After a quick transaction, the Feregni Ship picks up the Replicator. The Phoenix-X turns around and recalibrates its transwarp field emitters)
Seifer: I guess they're in for a surprise.
Cell: Yes... yes they are...
Seifer: What is that supposed to mean?
Cell: Nothing. Never mind! Let's get out of this place. I'm in the mood for some Lobster Species...
Lox: I've got the giant stirring spoon!
(The Phoenix-X increases speed and then Transwarps out there)
THE END
