26.5.07

Episode 78

Star Trek: Phoenix-X
These Aren't the Voyages...

A high energy pulse blast cranes across the cold vacuum and hits onto the shields of the Phoenix-X. Before them is the spaceborne creature known as Junior, wearing what looks to be a vest-like weapons armament around its body. Junior turns in space and fires another pulse blast at his enemy.

Cell: "Report!"
Armond: "Scans indicate that the creature's technology is that of Romulan origin. The bird stamps all over each torpedo launcher is a big giveaway as well."
Seifer: "Damn those Romulans! It's like every week they come up with a devious plot to destroy the Federation."
Red: "What was it last week; that clone of Tom Paris? He didn't even get passed security."
Cell: "Well whatever the case - it is no match for us; Starfleet."
Armond: "Wait a sec. I recognize this from my attempts at database memorizations. He is the spaceborne creature the Enterprise-D encountered 16 years ago! They helped its mother give birth by performing an incision to her underbelly when she was dieing."
Cell: "You mean this creature has encountered our kind before? Our... Starfleet kind?"
Armond: "Yeah. It mistook the Enterprise as its mother; draining their power - so they had to, in a sense, sour the milk."
Seifer: "Brilliant!"
Cell: "What the... Then this thing must be back for revenge. It all makes sense; the over-the-top aggression, the well prepared starship maneuvers. The Enterprise hurts the creature as it's young - then 16 years later, in its adolescence, it returns for retribution! Happens all the time with teenagers."
Red: "It looks angry enough. Some would say, this creature has the anger of a Klingon! Not me though. I am turning a new leaf and avoiding such one-dimensional observations."

Junior flies around and pumps another pulse into the Phoenix-X's aft-shields. Armond cloaks the Phoenix-X and then uncloaks in an unsuspecting position, firing phasers into the creature's backside. Junior is hurt badly and scurries off, whimpering.

Seifer: "Hah! That'll teach you to be born! Jerk."
Cell: "Damage report."
Armond: "Aft shields down, Decks 14 and 15 on minimal power, and cloak offline. In fact, the cloak is completely destroyed beyond repair."
Kayl: "Engineering reports that the last attack caused a surge in the tetryon compositing component, resulting in an implosion to the entire cloaking matrix. SOMEONE should have been cleaning the circuitry of the spider webs all these years."
She eyes Ensign Gewdeque.
Gewdeque: "It's that damn holodeck. You think you can just walk away from it, but it calls you back! It calls you back!! ...beckoning for one last go! Noooooooooooo!!!!!"
Two councilors carry her off the Bridge.
Cell: "Crap. Well this is going to require some forgetting. If anyone needs me, I'll be in my Ready Room."

Two hours later, Commander Seifer is in the Briefing Room, speaking to Section 31 over subspace.

Seifer: "So you think I should ask Elly out? You think she'd go for it?"
>Nelkast: "Defintely. In fact you CAN order her to date you. Since you are her commanding officer."
Seifer: "Wait a second. You may just be on to something there. I can probably order some other things from her as well..."
He takes out a large card labeled 'Next Borg Attack Betting Pool'.
Seifer: "If I get more than 15 participants, Starfleet sends me a regulation corset."
>Elena: "Uggghh I've had enough of this. You said you had a damage report to give us. Well? Where is it?"
Seifer: "Oh right. Here you go."
He taps a few buttons on the table.
Seifer: "As you can see, our Klingon cloaking device has been completely destroyed."
>Nelkast: "Interesting. But may I ask, why are you volunteering this information to us?"
>Elena: "Not that you shouldn't be to begin with."
Seifer: "Breaking into alien black-markets isn't an easy task for someone such as myself. In fact, getting in anywhere illegal is virtually impossible. If I can at least get in good with Section 31, I should do right in avoiding that raven dream I keep having."
>Nelkast: "Man, don't get me started on the raven dreams!"
>Elena: "Actually, this folly couldn't have come at a better time. Section 31 would like to order you to the Mutara sector."
Seifer: "The Mutara sector? What are we supposed to do there?"
>Nelkast: "We'll tell you when you get there. Mission details aren't to be discussed over long-range communications."
>Elena: "That, and we like to keep you in suspense. Section 31 out!"

The Phoenix-X enters Transwarp, and later drops it back into normal space. The ship then approaches Regula I, orbiting a planetoid. Captain Cell enters the Bridge.

Seifer, shudders: "Oh man... That old Regula place gives me the creeps."
Armond: "The station was abandoned almost a century ago. That is, if you don't count the science teams, salvage teams, and historical preservation teams that worked there since then."
Kayl: "Why would Section 31 send us here?"
All of a sudden, the screen clicks on.
>Stanley: "Hi there. I assume you're wondering why Section 31 sent you here?"
Kayl: "No we're not."
>Stanley: "Oh. It's just that..."
Kayl: "Well we're not!"
>Stanley: "For those of you that are, you're here to have a cloaking device installed. More specifically, a device called the interphase cloak."
Cell, slams fists into chair: "Dammit! When are we going to have an ACTUAL mission?"
Seifer: "I think these technology installations are important. They're AS important as our killing missions of killing."
Cell: "Hmm. Seifer, I order someone to die during this installation."
Seifer: "Consider it done."
>Stanley: "Erm-- yes, anyway, this cloak will be a completely new device. For as you know, the last cloak we created fell to the Romulans when the Enterprise-D retrieved it from the Pegasus."
Everyone looks to Armond for confirmation. Armond just nods.
>Stanley: "That cloak was destroyed none other than by a young Mackenzie Calhoun, working for Intelligence, through an unknown extension of Section 31."
Cell: "Calhoun? That Captain-Picard-suckup!"
Seifer: "Hey, he's earned his place in the history books... The art-history books!"
Cell and Seifer high-five. The other's just look at them confused.
Seifer: "Because his profile pic looks like a drawing."
>Stanley: "Sufficed to say, we had to construct another one. This one more invisible than the last! Normally we wouldn't be able to put this onto a Federation starship, but since the Phoenix-X is configured to mask its unbridled technologies, our installing abilities may be practised to no end!"
Cell: "What about the end of having installed the impetuous technology?"
>Stanley: "Oh. Yeah, there's that. Anyway, you'll have to bring the Phoenix-X into the starship bay. Your crew will have free rein on Regula. Just don't go into the Project Lab. Ugh, bad memories."
The screen clicks off.

Omega runs into Kayl in the Turbolift.
Kayl: "I've been meaning to meet you."
Omega: "I am an android."
Kayl: "Yes... yes, thanks for that."
Omega: "What is the fascination with being invisible? I, at least, understand its tactical advantages."
Kayl: "Well sometimes people have bad days, or find themselves in embarrassing situations. At times like that, it isn't uncommon for one to wish they were invisible. It's a juvenile desire that goes back to one's childhood."
Omega: "I suppose at one point or another, I have seeked out solitude. Perhaps that is equatible to such a desire?"
Kayl: "Maybe. It's not like I'm your guide to humanity."
Omega: "I noticed an air of hesitation on the Bridge, when the crew were to accept the interphase cloak."
Kayl: "That's because, although we have taken missions from Section 31, we're still Starfleet officers. The Treaty of Algeron epitomizes our values of wanted peace with the Romulan Empire... you know, excluding that attack earlier. Heh."
Omega: "Treaty of Algeron? Hm. This is very interesting. I'd like to learn more of this treaty."
Kayl: "Well you can read about it at your local library. Remember, reading is fun for the whole family!"
Omega: "What?"

On Regula I, Amp and Lox find themselves just standing in the deteriorating, badly lit corridors.
Amp: "With the Phoenix-X temporarily out of commission, we have to find something to do."
Lox: "I thought coming here, I would find a plethora of secret immoral scientific experiments! But all I found were advances in curing the Telurian plague."
Amp: "If we don't do something soon, our boredom will consume us until we become mad with rage! It's how I always react to new technology installations... especially if I'm the project leader."
Lox: "Fine. I suggest we go to the holodeck. I had Gewdeque incapacitated using impedrezene and arithrazine."
They walk over to the station's only holodeck.
Amp: "What the heck? According to the computer, this is a prototype from when holodecks weren't commonplace in the Federation."
They check the computer.
Lox: "There's only one program in the database."
Amp: "Don't worry. I'm sure it'll be the most hilariously, well written program ever."

Captain Cell enters Main Engineering, on the Phoenix-X, where Kugo is setting up the computers.
Cell: "How goes the workload, pointy-eared-woman?"
Kugo: "Just fine, since the Corps of Engineer teams from the station will be doing all the work."
Cell: "Are these the same people who installed and uninstalled the Temporal Drive?"
Kugo: "Yes. Although most of these engineers played a minor role at the time. Their breakthrough came in when they had lead the Phoenix-X's refit at Deep Space 7."
Old Man Jaro: "ARR!!! Took two men to hold the mizzen, and four to set royals and stunsuls!! I lost mi best friend that day, I dids. Arr."
Cell: "Please go away. Kugo, how do you think the interphase cloak will integrate into the Phoenix-X systems?"
Kugo: "Well, on the Pegasus, the interphase cloak had lead to a spike in the warp plasma intercoolers. Since the Phoenix-X is a Transwarp integrated ship, the intercoolers will have virtually no disruptions."
Cell: "Let's hope that they don't. Speaking of the Pegasus; I hear that it is still rock-merged in the Devolin system."

Commander Seifer enters the Operations center of Regula I. All around are destroyed consoles and debris, covered in dark, flickering lighting.
Seifer: "What the heck?"
Agent Nelkast suddenly emerges from the shadows.
Nelkast: "I suppose you're wondering what the mess is all about."
Seifer: "Meh. I just figured that's how they left it a century ago."
Nelkast: "Actually, this was done recently. You see, we wanted someone with experience to help us on this cloaking device... so we cloned and had Erik Pressman replaced from his incarceration."
Seifer: "That seems to be the best way to go about it."
Nelkast: "He was working for us, 25 years ago, on the previous interphase cloak - although he had a great deal more hair. So we were lucky enough to get him this time around."
Seifer: "Let me guess. There was an explosion?"
Nelkast: "The interphase cloak backfired and sent a surge up into his console. The surge was so powerful that it vapourized him."
Seifer: "Hmm. That may have been your conclusion, but it is not mine!"
He strokes his chin and talks like a nasaled Sherlock Holmes, ala Data's old impression.
Seifer: "Mr. Nelkast, I'd like for you to scan the station with a high yield chroniton field. It is my belief that Erik Pressman is no more than phased!"
Nelkast: "An interesting theory. But since I'm in control, I'm going to ask you to do it."
Seifer: "Fine."

Meanwhile, aboard a holographic Enterprise, the crew decide to chat blissfully while on duty on the Bridge.
Reed: "How's it going, sir?"
Archer: "Whatever I write, it sounds like I'm trying to take credit for this."
T'Pol: "Captain. Admiral Douglas is asking you to approve the decommission protocols."
Archer: "One thing at a time... after the charter is signed, we'll do whatever he needs to put Enterprise in mothballs."
#Baird: "All senior staff, report to the Bridge."
Lox: "Computer, freeze program. This is that NX-01 simulation where they anticipate the dawning of the Federation."
Amp: "Hey man, I was watching that!"
Lox: "Sorry, I just wanted to clarify. Are you sure you want to go through all this? Some say all the characters look six years younger than they should look."
Amp: "Of course I do! This was a time in history that the Federation wasn't able to keep an accurate account of historical events."

The android, Omega, taps a control panel in a corridor on Regula I.
Omega: "Computer, show me all information regarding the Treaty of Algeron."
#Computer: "Unable to comply. Information from that era has not yet been updated in this station's historical database."
Omega: "Oh. What is the latest known year for historical data on this starbase?"
#Computer: "2283."
Someone walks by.
Omega: "Excuse me. But I'm trying to find out about the Treaty of Algeron. Perhaps you could enlighten me?"
Jerald: "Uh, I'd love to, but I'm kind of busy at the moment. In fact, I don't even like androids... so if you could, you know, not talk to me ever again; that would be great."
Omega watches Jerald walk away back to work.

The small group from Starfleet Corps of Engineers work on an open panel in the Phoenix-X's Engineering.
Gundah: "It seems like we're almost finished here."
Havvin: "About time. I lost my wedding ring in the plasma stream."
Gundah: "Don't worry, just design and engineer are more efficient one."
Havvin: "Great idea! Man, ever since we installed the Transphasic torpedoes on this ship, you've been hitting pure superbness."
O'Vera: "Well, it was his breakthrough point. It's a good thing we don't question our ethics when working on these illegal technologies."
Gundah: "Wait a minute. Why haven't we?"
O'Vera: "You know, I really don't know..."
Nelkast, enters: "Alright everyone. It's time for your memory displacement and ethical suppressant procedure."
Havvin: "Memory displacement!?"
Nelkast: "--And ethical suppressant procedure. Yeah, how else are we able to get you to work on this stuff?"
O'Vera: "I guess he's got a point."
Nelkast: "Let's go already. I don't have all day. Well, I do. But you get what I'm trying to say."

Meanwhile, on the Enterprise NX-01, the Adorian, Shran, hails Archer.
Archer: "That's impossible. Shran's been dead, for what, three years?"
The screen clicks on.
>Shran: "I'm sorry, pink-skin. But it was essential certain people believed I had met my demise. I know it's been a while, but as I recall, you still owe me a favour."
Archer: "I remember... but this isn't a good time, Shran. I assume you know where we're heading? We're on our way to Earth to sign the charter."
>Shran: "The ceremony isn't for three days. If my plan works, you'll be home in plenty of time. My child's been abducted. Kidnapped..."
Archer: "You never told me you had a child."
Lox: "Computer freeze program."
Amp: "Why'd you do that?"
Lox: "Maybe because we should be taking part, instead of just watching."
Amp: "Fine. But let's advance ahead. Archer's pacing is making me dizzy."

The environment re-materializes to that of the Galley. Amp is preparing the food, while Lox works as a subordinate chef in the background, minding his own business.

Amp: "Phlox is giving me his largest Edosian sucker-fish. It looks like a catfish. Catfish have been known to swim in water. Water is sometimes used for washing hands. Hands are a useful tool in Engineering. Engineering is a room on a starship. Starships fly through space. Commander Tucker likes space. You ever miss him?"
T'Pol: "I spent the morning with him, recalibrating the plasma array. But if you're referring to our intimate relationship - that's been over for six years."
Amp: "Sorry, I forgot. He doesn't strike me as someone who follows orders blindly."
T'Pol: "He's not. Before I joined this crew I never would have imagined anything more important than following orders. Human's believe that sometimes, you have to follow your instincts... A very illogical approach, but one I've come to embrace."
Kayl, enters: "Computer freeze program."
Amp leans in to kiss T'Pol but is interrupted by Kayl.
Kayl: "What do you think you're doing?"
Amp: "Kissing T'Pol. She said she was free!"
Kayl: "That person is not free. She's obviously just in denial of her feelings toward another crewmember."
Amp: "You mind explaining why T'Pol sounded really old in that last sentence?"
Kayl: "That's another female thing that you wouldn't understand. Why were you directing the conversation toward 'order-following'?"
Amp: "I believe the question should be - why weren't YOU directing the conversation toward 'order-following'?"

Captain Cell enters the half-destroyed Operations centre on Regula I, where Seifer is at a working console and Nelkast is supervising.
Cell: "What's going on?"
Seifer: "I'm scanning for Erik Pressman. We believe he is unphased with normal matter."
Cell: "I'm sure if that were true, he'd have already fallen through the floor and then out into space. Also, if he was unphased, then how would air pass through his lungs? Or how would his eyes process light?"
Seifer: "Duh. The gravity-nets in the floor stop even a phased individual from falling through; and when you're phased, you're not COMPLETELY phased that you can't breathe the air or see light."
Cell: "But you're phased enough that an energy weapon can pass through you?"
Seifer: "Exactly! It all can be explained by a well stretched web of--- well, you get the idea. By the way, you seem very nitpicky today."
Cell: "That's because my ship is about to be run by a bunch of corpses."
Nelkast: "No, that's Corps of Engineers. They only walk like the living-dead because their brains are just freshly minced."
Cell: "Let's get one thing straight, Shadow-puppet - I've been commanding starships since your mother was in diapers. My crew and I should be the ones running this cloaking test!"
Nelkast: "Fine. Just remember to jiggle the key a little-bit. The Phoenix-X has a startup problem now... oh, and it starts by key now."
All of a sudden, as Seifer intensifies his scan, Benjamin Maxwell appears.
Maxwell: "Finally! I was wondering when you would save me from that horrible, horrible existence!"
Seifer: "What the?? I thought you said Pressman was the person you cloned and enlisted?"
Nelkast: "I never said he was the ONLY one. Maxwell also was in trouble with the law, so we helped him out too. The same went for two killers we found in the cells next to him. It was our hope that they would join Section 31. But alas, they joined Orion Syndicate instead."
Agent Nelkast grabs Maxwell and leaves the Operations centre.

Back on the Enterprise NX-01, Amp, Lox and Kayl pose as engineer's in Engineering - where Reed and Tucker have a chat.
Reed: "If you recall, Rigel ten is filled with a very unsavoury element... and I rather doubt Shran's scheme would be quite as simple as he claims."
Trip: "I can't imagine the Cap'n would put us in jeopardy this close to signing the charter. Are the duterium filters clear?"
Fincke: "We've done all but three."
Trip: "Make it quick. Been a hell of a run, Malcom. I never thought it would come to an end."
Reed: "All good things... The Captain thinks there'll be another Enterprise before too long. Won't be the same."
They both leave Engineering, walking passed Kayl and Amp.
Kayl: "It's sad. Commander Tucker had no idea he wouldn't make it back."
Amp: "What are you talking about?"
Kayl: "Oh nothing."
Amp: "No really. Tell me."
Kayl: "Don't worry about it."
Amp: "He dies, doesn't he? He dies? I can't believe he dies!!?"
Kayl: "Err, at least in the program he does. I never said he ACTUALLY died."
Amp: "I can't believe it! I just can-not believe it!"
Kayl: "Maybe we just need to calm dow---"
Amp: "NO! Tucker is my favourite character. There's no way I'm taking part in his re-deathening! This is absurd! This is audacious! This is incongruous!"
Lox: "Whoa, whoa. Let's not go too far now."

Agent Nelkast enters the Bridge of the Phoenix-X.
Nelkast: "So this is the illustrious starship."
Seifer: "Yep. It's got cup holders."
Nelkast: "Speaking of talking, what have you got so far in terms of the search for Erik Pressman. It wouldn't happenen to be Erik Pressman would it?"
Seifer: "No... actually, the results turned up two crazy monkey's and a Humanoid bird. But unfortunately, no Erik."
Nelkast: "Then I suppose he is indeed dead."
Omega, walks over: "Would his death free up conversational time to discuss the aspects of the Treaty of Algeron?"
Nelkast: "Not really, since the time must put to talking about his death."
Cell: "Why do you want to know so badly, Omega? If you're seeking education, I should tell you that education is not the key to enlightenment."
Omega: "What is?"
Cell: "Meditation."
Omega: "I see."
Cell: "Now go forth with this knowledge I have given you, and savour your new wisdom!"

Lieutenant Commander Kugo approaches Ensign Dan at a console at the back of the Bridge.

Kugo: "What are you doing?"
Ensign Dan: "Researching the Genesis Experiment."
Kugo: "That was here??"
Ensign Dan: "Yes. I plan to correlate the data with scans of the planetoid's, Regula's, ore composition. More specifically, the data involving the protomatter."
Kugo: "Hey, I was going to do that."
Ensign Dan: "Well I obviously beat you to it."
Kugo: "You're relieved!"
Ensign Dan: "What?"
Kugo: "You are no longer on duty!"
Ensign Dan: "GGggh. This isn't over, Kugo."
He attempts to leave the Bridge, but finds that Nelkast is already in the turbolift, leaving as well.
Nelkast: "Take the next one!"

Meanwhile, the Phoenix-X prepares to undock the station Regula I.
Cell: "Finally. Now it's time to do this our way."
Seifer: "I wasn't aware we had a 'way'."
Cell: "Well, we do. And it involves me commanding the ship. --Red, take us out."
Red: "Aye sir."
The Phoenix-X heads out of the station and into space.
Cell: "Now, cloak the ship."

Suddenly the Phoenix-X disappears. The operators on the station get wind of this.
Havvin: "Oh no! They've vanished!"
Gundah: "They're supposed to. It's the cloaking device test."
Havvin: "Yeah but I never actually expected it to work."

Commander Seifer walks around the Bridge.
Seifer: "It all feels so magical!"
Cell: "These are the times I wish I could feel things."
Seifer: "You're thinking of androids."
Armond: "Shall we test it by phasing through an object?"
Cell: "Seem reasonable. Perhaps the station? Some destroyed ship debris? A dead body?"
Seifer: "Nah. Go for something bigger. Oh! How about the planetoid! It's all big and stuff."
Cell: "Very well, Red, set a course for the planetoid."
Red: "Won't the gravimetric stress pull the ship apart?"
Seifer: "No way. We're phased."
Red: "But you said the gravity plating prevented phased people from---"
Seifer: "I SAID WE'RE PHASED..."
Red: "Yes sir. Abandoning all logic."

The invisible and phased Phoenix-X heads through the rocky planetoid. They find themselves inside the rock itself, unhurt.

Cell: "Well, we're not dead, so I think it's good. But I do agree that it is odd that the ship would not be affected by gravity when phased people wouldn't pass through deck plating."
Seifer: "Fine! I'll explain. The engineer's simply tied the hull polarization fields into the phased cloaking device, thus neutralizing a planet's gravity affect."
Cell: "This cloak is great!"
All of a sudden there's a jolt to the ship. The tactical console is suddenly shortened out.
Armond: "Sensor's offline."
Cell: "This cloak is not great."
Seifer: "The computer reports there was a surge in the cloaking device!"
Cell: "Can we get sensor's back online?"
Armond: "It will take a day or so."
Cell: "Bah. Just set a course for anywhere, Red. This planetoid is round, thus we will exit no matter which direction we go."
Kugo: "That may not necessarily be true, Captain."
Cell: "What do you mean, pointy-eared-woman?"
Kugo: "According to my scans, the Regula planetoid's ore has been adversely affected by protomatter. The same protomatter from the Genesis experiment's."
Seifer: "Damn experimentation!"
Kugo: "If we accidentally pass through the ore in the rock, our matter will destabilize and we will cease to exist."
Cell: "What!? We need those sensors online! Phew. Good thing it'll be done in a day."
Seifer: "Uhh. The thing about that is... The cloak won't last for that long. The primary power converter hasn't been installed, and the specific component is still on the station."
Armond: "How long before the cloak goes offline?"
Seifer: "I'd say about a few hours, give or take a general number of minutes."
Ensign Dan: "We're all gonna die!!!"

In the holodeck, Shran and T'Pol meet with the shady thieves on Rigel X, carrying a case with the Teneebian amethyst gem inside. T'Pol places down the case.
Wungki: "One step and this little blue beauty won't have a father to come home to."
Talla is set free to her father.
Shran: "I want you to go with T'Pol. You'll be safe with her. She'll find you something to eat. Obey your father."
Talla leaves with T'Pol.
Wungki: "Now step back."
He begins exmaining at the gem. Shran places his hand over his eye.
Wungki: "What are you doing?"
Shran continues to shield his eye.
Wungki: "Seriously, stop that. Stop doing that. Why do you keep doing that?"
Shran looks around, confused, and wondering when Archer's attack will begin. Instead, Amp, comes out, holding two MACO rifle's; one trained on each of the two aliens with disrupters.
Amp: "Drop your weapons! This is a hostage situation."
Lox and Kayl step out, also in MACO uniforms.
Kayl: "What are YOU doing?"
Amp: "I'm taking over this simulation. You see, I plan to avoid Trip's death any way possible."
Kayl: "That's crazy! You're trying to alter historic events. Don't you care about continuity? It's all supposed to be a very complex, properly woven tapestry."
Amp: "Are you going to stand there and complain, or are you going to pick up a weapon and take a hostage?"

Kayl shrugs and then picks up one of the alien disrupters. After careful affliction, Archer, Trip, Reed and the rest of the MACO crew are persuaded to head back to Enterprise with Amp, Lox and Kayl. There, they lock out the computer systems using 24th century algorhythms, and confine all the crew to quarters.

The three stand around a tied up Malcom Reed, to a chair, in Sickbay.
Reed: "He was anything but tactful... what his countrymen might refer to as a 'hick'. For the life of me, I couldn't understand what Captain Archer saw in him."
Lieutenant Amp fits his black glove to his hand and then backhands Reed across the face!
Amp: "Tell me more about Trip!"
Reed: "Ugh! I'm telling you, that's about it. I used to think that first impressions meant something, but I guess that's not always true... To be honest, I didn't think he was gonna last a month - old friend of the Captain's or not - and now I can't imagine what these last ten years would've been like without him... you bastard!"
Kayl: "Uhh... Amp, are you sure your fantasies about interrogating humans aren't borderline Councillor-session-worthy?"
Amp: "Not at all. It's all in good fun... and intensely channeled rage!! Send the next one in."
Lox takes Reed out and brings in Hoshi, tying her hands behind the chair as well. Amp grabs her throat.
Amp: "Now tell me... did you ever find yourself attracted to Trip?"
Hoshi: "Uh! Maybe a little... I never really thought he was my type... Didn't even graduate college - he learned about engineering working on engine boats, I think. He never cared much about languages; he could barely speak english. But he did find his moments. I still find him kind of cute... keep that to yourself, jerk!"
Amp: "I decide what I keep to myself! Next!"
Lox takes her out.

Meanwhile, the Phoenix-X continues to sit, cloaked, inside the planetoid.
Seifer: "Well great. I left my deck of cards on the station."
Armond, pondering: "Deck of cards? A starship has decks... People are on board starship's. Feet are a thing that people own. Shoes go on feet! Closets contain shoes! Shuttle's contain closets! Wait. Our shuttles are the answer!"
Ensign Dan: "Brilliant!"
Cell: "If we can scan using the shuttles, we should be able to detect the ore in the rock enough to avoid it."
Seifer: "Oh, so now we're too good for the ore, are we?"
Cell: "Be quiet."
Kugo: "Just one thing, Captain. The shuttles' range is considerably shorter under the interphase cloak."
Cell: "We have to try anyway. Seifer! Go to the Shuttle Bay and turn on a shuttle. Just remember to jiggle the key a little bit."
Seifer: "Yes sir!"

The Commander makes it to the Shuttle Bay, activating its sensors. Lieutenant Commander Red links up his console and begins moving the Phoenix-X through the rock, being careful to avoid large clustered areas of protomatter-distrubed-ore.

Cell: "Left... Right... Left... Right... Right... Up... Left... Right... Diagonal."
Red: "Forget it. I would rather kill myself!"
He pushes the Phoenix-X forward without regard for life. All of a sudden, on the view screen, the solid rock passes away into a bright cavern oasis. Everyone's eyes adjust to view all around plant life and grass. A waterfall in the distance pours fresh water into a stream that weaves throughout the cavern.
Cell: "Red, you should try to kill us more often."
Red: "Yes Captain."
Ensign Dan: "Where is that water coming from?"
Armond: "And the light?"
Cell: "Forget all that. This is amazing! It's like some kind of manipulated terrain! I've never seen anything like this before!"
Red: "What about all the Starfleet Terraforming projects?"
Cell: "Oh. I guess I have seen things like this before."
Armond: "This cave was created by Doctor Carol Marcus, a century ago, using the Genesis device."
Cell: "It's like we're in the presence of history. Armond, de-cloak. Red, hover the ship over there."
He points. The Phoenix-X then hover's over some ficus plants, blowing them out of thier roots, thus destroying them.

Back in the holodeck, Maywhether is put into the interrogation chair.
Amp: "So... you're the helmsmen are you? How long has the Captain known Trip?"
Maywhether: "Close to 20 years. He taught the Captain how to scubadive, somewhere off the coast of Florida."
Amp is about to get violent when Lox suddenly holds his arm back.
Lox: "No! You've been hitting all the crew too hard; just go a slow, steady movement."
Amp: "Oh, sorry."
Lox: "No need to apologize."
Amp: "Kirk ever take a swing at Picard?"
Lox: "I think he wanted to when they were trapped in the Nexus together."
Suddenly, Omega enters the program.
Amp: "Oh hey, Omega. We're just running the program about the dawning of the Federation. It's a few days before the document signing."
Omega: "I am also interested in document signings. May I join in?"
Amp: "Alright. You can take over this interrogation."
Omega stands before Maywhether, clenching his fists.
Maywhether: "I'm going to the Mess Hall for lunch."
Omega: "Very well then."
Maywhether unties himself and leaves.
Lox: "Umm. I don't think you've done this before."

As the Phoenix-X undergoes repairs to the sensors array, Commander Seifer and Ensign Dan walk the grassy fields of the oasis below.
Seifer: "Now remember. Our job is to find fresh food for our journey home. There's no telling how long it'll be after our replicator rations run out."
Ensign Dan: "Your obsession with finding food is not unlike Neelix."
Seifer: "Yeah but except I don't have Irish beards."
Ensign Dan: "Speaking of things that have nothing to do with the Irish... What that!?"
He points to a small jungle cluster of trees where a man swinging through them is momentarily seen. The two run over and into the jungle area to find a man in a loincloth climbing a vine.
Seifer: "It looks like... no, it can't be - Erik Pressman??"
Erik makes a run for it, by climbing further away when he notices the two of them.
Ensign Dan: "We have to stop him!"
Seifer: "Here; give me your tri-corder."
He takes the device and throws at Erik in the trees above. Erik catches it, expertly, during his attempt at escape - causing him to stop and look at the device in wonder. He then lets himself to the ground, staring mysteriously at the tri-corder.
Erik: "I... I... remember these..."
Both officers run over and approach.
Seifer: "Yes that's right; Starfleet technology. Remember, the organization you used to be a part of? We're the epitome of civilization and the right way to live... Everyone will be assimilated into our lifestyle."
Erik: "It's all coming back to me."
Ensign Dan: "How long have you been down here?"
Erik: "Three days."
They look at his filthy state, obviously unable to take care of himself.
Erik: "I faked my death on Regula to escape Section 31. You see, I've had enough for working for them. I wanted to be free of their controlling grasp! Don't you see? They even pick your life mate for you! They wanted me to marry that Humanoid bird!"
Seifer: "Wait a minute. Are you saying you created that explosion?"
Erik: "That's right. I had to sabatoge the cloaking device, by causing a surge to my control panel!"
Seifer: "That surge wouldn't have happened to be re-routed through external sensors?"
Erik: "Yes, it had to be. That's the only system I know how to use. I'm a Captain for God's sakes!"
Ensign Dan: "You fool! We installed that cloak on our ship and it destroyed our external sensors system too!"
Seifer: "Hey I wanted to make that conclusion. Go pick berries!"
Ensign Dan turns away to start his new task.
Seifer: "Oh and no more discovering missing Captains!"
Ensign Dan, points: "But I see Captain Rachel Garrett in that shrubbery over there!"
Seifer: "You heard what I said!"

On the NX-01 Enterprise, Omega is hitting Doctor Phlox repeatedly.
Lox: "No, no, no. If you want to get information, you have to hit harder! Here, try it on the next one."
Phlox is let out and Tucker is let in. He takes a seat.
Tucker: "Can you spare one of those carrots?"
Everyone notices Kayl placing a bowl of carrots on the table.
Kayl: "What? I was getting hungry."
Omega: "They're not peeled yet! ARRGGGHH!!"
The android strangles Tucker to death in a fit of simulated rage.
Amp: "What have you done? Noooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Omega: "Omega has accidentally killed hologram. To androids, holograms are real."
A tear falls out from his eye, short circuting some of his systems.
Kayl: "There, there, Amp. I guess it was inevitable for Tucker to die. You know, fate?"
Amp: "Ugh... Yeah. I guess you're right. Who am I to tamper with a written program."
Kayl: "Well you ARE a computer virus."
Amp: "Oh, right."

The four of them fast-forward the program to the Charter signing.

Lox: "There, are you satisfied Omega? We finally get to see the signing of the Federation. Let's just hope their touch-sensitive-signature-screen isn't defective like all technology in this timeframe."
Omega: "I am not satisfied - for I was looking for the Treaty of Algeron."
All around is a huge crowd, sitting in seats around a very large arena. A red carpet leads to the middle of the arena where the signing will take place.
Kayl: "You wish you could tell them all that this alliance would give birth to the Federation."
Lox: "I think I'm ready to talk to Captain Picard. I should've done it a long time ago."
Kayl: "About what?"
Lox: "About transferring to his ship. They don't have an annoying android - anymore at least."
Amp: "Wait, what did you mean when you said this alliance would give BIRTH to the Federation?"
Kayl: "Oh, I wasn't sure if this signing was the actual signing of the Federation or the Coalition of Planets. I was a huge slacker in my Academy History class."
Amp: "What do you mean you're not sure? That's it! Holodeck off."
In the distance, Archer approaches the stand, about to make his legendary speech; but the holodeck turns off instead, showing the gridded room all around them.
Kayl: "Hey, he was going to give his speech! I waited a whole hour for that moment. What a freakin' jip, man."
Lox: "Ah you're not missing much. He mostly thanks his dog, Porthos; and that bat he once chased in Sickbay."
Kayl shrugs and the four of them leave.

Back in the cavern, the Phoenix-X continues to hover above the destroyed ficus plants. Erik Pressman enters the Bridge in nothing but a loin cloth.
Seifer: "Another day down there and he would've been dead from accidental branch puncture."
Cell: "How'd you get there anyway?"
Erik: "A shuttle through a small passageway. I closed it on my way in so that I would have no visitors."
Seifer: "Looks like you didn't anticipate the awesome power of the Phoenix-X!"
Erik: "Apparently not. Had I known I was going to be stepping onto the ultimate fanboy ship, I would've brought my dry-wet pants."
Ensign Dan: "Or any pants for that matter."
Cell: "You sabatoged the cloaking device and caused us to lose our external sensors!"
Erik: "Technically, since you were phased, then wouldn't have internal sensors worked just as well?"
Cell: "Don't get coy with me you wilderness survival wannabe!"
Erik: "Let's get one thing straight Captain - I'm a true man of the wild and I can outlast any one of you if we were put into a circumstance where we were disconnected from civilization!"
He then composes himself by adjusting his loin cloth.
Erik: "I just hadn't realized it until I got down there."
Cell: "Alright, alright. Fine. Will you at least reverse the sabotage to the cloak so that we can get out of here?"
Erik: "Only if you say please."
Cell: ".........Please."
Erik: "Please what?"
Cell: "...............Please, Admiral?"
Ensign Dan: "Discharged Admiral, to be correct."
Erik: "Very well then. But I refuse to take the proper measures to avoid a spike in the warp plasma intercoolers. That's not my job; never has been."
He leaves the Bridge.

On Regula I station, the Corps of Engineers sit in the Operations center.
Havvin: "If I could be invisible, I would do so much. Heh, heh, heh."
O'Vera: "You pervert! That's exactly why cloaking is outlawed."
Havvin: "I was talking about Engineering. Do you know how many multi-layered circut boards we could create using the phased ability? Multiple!"
Gundah: "Yeah, and cloaking was outlawed because the Romulans were about to go to war with us back in 2311."
Havvin: "Someone sure has their mind in the gutter, with inaccurate historical information."
O'Vera: "That's it, I'm going to the Holodeck! At least Hoshi gets me. We both share a bonding through exaggerated insecurity. The same goes for T'Pol and Malcom Reed."
She leaves. Moments later the Phoenix-X decloaks on the view-screen, before them.
>Cell: "We're back. It's been a hell of a ride!"
Jerald: "You were supposed to cloak and then decloak over eight hours ago for a test run if sixty seconds."
>Cell: "Well on OUR ship, we like to have adventures. If you guys can't appreciate that, you can go suck a lemon!"
Havvin: "That's actually very healthy."
>Cell: "Are you saying my insults are health advice?"
Havvin: "Yup."
>Cell: "Be quiet you horse-face!"
Havvin: "Yeah, I guess I am due for some cosmetic surgery. Thanks!"

Later, the entire crew is returned to the ship. The Phoenix-X leaves the Mutara sector and heads into deep space with their new interphase cloaking device.

Seifer: "I can't believe we just left Erik Pressman down in that cavern."
Armond: "That's what he wanted."
Lox: "Well, while you guys were doing that - WE filled the missing hole of the signing of the Federation charter."
Amp: "Just like how Picard filled the first encounter with the Vulcans - only we didn't need timetravel."
Kayl: "It's just too bad Commander Tucker had to die..."
Seifer: "Actually he never died. His death was faked by Section 31 so that he could infiltrate the Romulans who were suspected of achieving a faster warp factor. Some say he's still alive today..."
There's a mysterious silence.
Seifer: "Just yet another plot against the Romulans. It would've been a weekly thing, but you know, we never committed."
Amp: "Really? That's great!"
Seifer: "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to report your experiences to the Captain and claim them as my own. Taking credit is how command works, get used to it!"

He leaves the Bridge and enters the Captain's Ready Room where Kugo and Cell are.

Seifer: "Captain, I--"
Cell: "Silence! Kugo and I are having a moment of silence for the loss of the brave men and women at war right now."
Seifer: "Which war? There are like five going on right now with the Federation... six if you count that black-guey species that can't even move."
Cell: "Uhh, all of them."
Kugo: "Just another thing Discharged Admiral Pressman gets to avoid while in his personal exile."
Seifer: "And now he's on that planet Regula... that planet Regula ruined by protomatter! Curse him!"
Cell: "That wasn't him. That was the Klingons and Admiral Kirk."
Kugo: "Heh. They said the protomatter was that cause of Genesis' destabilization. Who would have thought that it would haunt us again a century later."
Seifer: "Dammit. Protomatter is matter from hell itself! No good can come from it."
#Armond: "Bridge to Captain Cell. We're getting a distress message from the Algoloan government. They say thier sun just died!"
Seifer: "That can be easily re-activated with protomatter."
Cell: "Very well. Set a course!"

The Phoenix-X jumps off into Transwarp to save the day! Heroic musical lyrics are as follows: "Hurray! It's time to save the day! There's no time for play! They must save the day! Get out of thier way! Watch out Klingon Bird of Prey! Load the torpedo bay! They'll never say 'nay!' For they'll save the dayyyyy!!!"

THE END