Episode 15

Star Trek: Phoenix-X
Guinea Pigs

(The Phoenix-X docks at Starbase 55. Admiral Theseus looks out his office window to see the ship)
Theseus: Ahhhh yes. My guinea pigs. Heh, heh, heh. Hahaha! AAaahahahahaha!!--
Cid(sitting at the table): --Uhhh, I don't get it.
Theseus: Shut up, you!

(Armond approaches the Commander on the Bridge of the Phoenix-X)
Armond: Commander, we've successfully docked with the Starbase. What is the Starbase's shield configuration so that we may match it?
Gotens(playing the new Star Wars Pod Racer game on the control panel): Huh? The what?
Armond: The configuration!
Gotens(thinks about it): Hmm... I don't think I remember.
Armond: But you're the only person who is authorized to that information!!
Gotens: Oh, I'm sure I'll recall if I keep playing this game for another couple hours. I'll get back to you.
Armond: Arrggh.

(The Doctor holds a device above Ensign Billy's forehead and heals a wound)
Ensign Billy: Uhhh... you're a real Doctor, right?
Lox: Oh yeah. Definitely.
(Ensign Billy starts growing a third eye on his forehead)
Lox(holds a mirror up to his face): There, all better.
Ensign Billy: Ahh, ahhh, ahhhhhh!!!!!!!
(He runs away)
EMH(appears): You are such a failure as a Doctor.
Lox: I am not! That is a work of art.

(Theseus and Daniel enter the Phoenix-X's Captain's Ready Room. They take a seat)
Theseus: Captian, you may know that the Federation doesn't entirely trust you and your judgement.
Daniel: Who, me? Admiral, you shock and appall me.
Theseus: You constantly go behind our back and do your own thing!
Daniel: Hey, it's a free country.
Theseus: We're in space!!
Daniel: Oh, right.
Theseus: Just last week you let an entire subspace alien race colonize in your shuttle bay!!
Daniel: Oh come on. We had the space, they were invisible, we were horny, they ate Klingon cheese; those were just the times.
Theseus: And the week before that, you told the Klingon Empire that Deep Space 4 was under attack by Romulan-Klingon-vestites!
Daniel: I was just demonstrating to my crew that we were faster than the Klingon ships any day. It took them 4 days and us only 2 hours to get there!
Theseus: Then explain why, the week before that, you joined a space ship parade in the other Quadrant.
Daniel(shrugs): We got 3rd place for the most naked people on a ship. Are you here to Court Marshal me?
Theseus: No. I'm here to let you redeem yourself. You will once and for all win the trust of the Federation.
Daniel(laughs): And how am I gonna do that? I've already tried flirting with Admiral Coocheka; it turned out that she was really a man.
Theseus: I'm here to give you an important and dangerous mission.
Daniel: Oooo, those are my favorite.
Theseus(leans in): You are to invade Corollas 6 and retrieve a Trill prototype for a multi-spacial shield genorator.
Daniel: But Corollas 6 is located deep within Breen space. The Breen are walking dinosaurs!!
Theseus: Do not worry. I have downloaded all 34 Jurassic Park movies into your computer for you to study.
Daniel(turns on his computer): Heh. That Spielberg just went too far.

Gotens(walks over to Armond): Hey, did you ever find out what those shield configurations were?
Armond: No. Do you know?
Gotens: No. I was just trying to make conversation. So how's that wife of yours?
Armond: I don't have a wife.
Gotens: You don't? Phew, thank God; then I guess I'm really not having an affair.
Armond: But I do have a fiancé!!
Gotens: Oops.

(The Phoenix-X undocks the Starbase and heads out into deep space. The Captian takes a stroll around the ship.)
Daniel: My feet are getting tired.
(He shapeshifts his feet into wheels. He enters the Cloaking Device room)
Gewdeque: Captian! I had no idea you were going to be here! Let me just fix my hair.
Daniel: No, no. At ease, Ensign. I was just seeing how things are going in here.
Gewdeque(accidentally knocks over her coffee): Oops.
GoyCho(walks over): Here, let me get that for you--
(They both bend down and hit each other's heads)
Gewdeque/GoyCho: Owe!!
(Daniel just watches in disappointment. GoyCho loses his balance and falls backward onto the Cloaking Device. GoyCho suddenly goes invisible)
GoyCho: Aaahh!!! Where am I!?
Gewdeque(picks up the coffee mug): Ahhh!!! Where'd you go!?
Daniel(shakes his head): I can't have my crew with me on this mission. They'll just goof everything up!
Gewdeque(groping around to try to find GoyCho): No we won't.
(Gewdeque accidentally hits the invisible GoyCho in the face with the mug)

(The Commander takes a seat in the Captain's chair. Kayl enters the Bridge with a new haircut)
Gotens(playing with a finger trap): Hey, Kayl, that's a really nice haircut.
Kayl: Oh thank you, Commander.
Gotens: Except for its split ends.
Kayl(cries): What!?
(The Captian steps off the turbolift. Kayl runs away to the turbolift, crying.)
Daniel: What's wrong with her? Commander, are we there yet?
Gotens: Yes, sir! Here we are at Sector 259, the Disney Planet.
Daniel: I said Sector 952!!
Gotens: Oh. But are you sure you don't wanna stay here for a while? They're showing the new version of Bambi. Bambi's verses the Lion King.
Daniel: No! I have an important mission. Helm, take us to Sector 952. Commander, evacuate Vector 3 and prepare it for deep space travel. Armond, bring my bucket to Deck 25.
Armond: Yes sir!
Gotens: Why do you want me to evacuate Vector 3?
Daniel: Are you questioning my actions!?
Gotens: Yes.
Daniel: Argh. Well, I can't cloak the ship and bring it into Breen space because when we're cloaked the transwarp drive leaves a certain quantum trail that only the Breen can detect. Since Vector 2 has the Transwarp drive and Vector 3 has the Cloaking Device, I can bring just Vector 3 and I won't be detected. Hence forth and forth hense I will, alone, bring Vector 3 with me on this important and dangerous mission to Breen space.
Gotens(playing with the finger trap): Huh? Oh I'm sorry, did you say something?
Daniel(snatches the toy away from him): I said I'm going alone into Breen space!!
Gotens: But, sir, the Breen are dangerous; you will be killed! I order you not go on this mission.
Daniel: Listen, I am Captain and you are Commander.
Gotens: Come again?
Daniel: You can't order me around!!!
Gotens: Well then take me along.
Daniel: No! You'll just play with the finger trap!!
Gotens: Yeah, but I'll help too.
Daniel(gives the finger trap back): Arrghhh...
(Daniel leaves the Bridge)
Gotens: Was it something I said?

(The Phoenix-X re-enters normal space at the Breen space border. Vector 3 detaches and cloaks. The rest of the Phoenix-X turns around and parks at a safe distance from Breen space. Captain Daniel stands, alone, on the battle bridge of Vector 3 as it heads deep into Breen space.)
Daniel(talking to himself): Must have a successful mission. Must have a successful mission. Must not talk self. Must not tak to self--
(The invisible Vector finally approaches the planet and two Breen warships that are guarding it.)
Daniel(paraniod): Ahh!! I better make sure that the cloak is working at peek effiencency.
(He liquifies and pours through the floor)

(The Commander and Doctor sit on top of the cloaking device, invisible)
*Lox(nervous): Are you sure that this is a good idea?
*Gotens: Heh, heh. Of course. The Captain practically asked me to sneak aboard.
*Lox: But what do you need me for?
*Gotens: I needed you to seduce the security guard, remember?
*Lox: Oh yeah... That was fun.
(Daniel pours through the ventilation and takes shape on the floor. He walks over to a control panel)
*Gotens: Shh!! Be quiet, here he comes.
*Lox: Well get your elbow off my hip!
*Gotens: Then get your finger out of my nose!!
(Daniel reaches over the cloaking device and pulls the two off it. They become visible)
Gotens: Oh... hi.
Daniel: What are you two doing here!?
Gotens: We're here to help, Captain. We'll do anything you want--except sexual content-- Well, maybe. I'd have to think about it.
Daniel: I thought I ordered you not to--
*Computer: --Warning, now entering planetary atmosphere.
Daniel: Oh no. What am I gonna do??
Lox: Do you need a third eye?

(Daniel liquifies and goes through the ventilation. Fire engulfs Vector 3 as it goes through the thermosphere. The Breen ship detects them, fires torpedoes at them and misses. Vector 3 uncloaks, raises shields, and heads down to the surface. The Vector soars downward through a couple clouds in the sky and then flies a low 10 feet above the ground. Two Breen ships come down, and follow closely behind Vector 3.)
Daniel: On screen.
(The two ships, chasing them, goes on screen.)
Daniel: They're ten times bigger than us, do you think you can out run them?
Gotens(sitting at the helm): Yeah, it's just like that game I was playing. But if I don't, you can have my finger trap collection.
(One Breen ship speeds ahead of Vector 3.)
Lox: We're surrounded!
(Daniel gets behind the weapon control panel, fires two torpedos and the Breen ship at the back takes minimal damage. The Breen at the back fires back, misses Vector 3, and accidentally hits the Breen at the front. Electrical bands engulf the Breen ship and the ship explodes; the two remaining ships fly through it. Speed increases as the Breen chases Vector 3 towards the mountains in the distance.)
Gotens: Lox, divert as much power as you can to the shields.
Lox: Aye, sir; diverting power away from shields.
(The Breen fire again and miss. Vector 3 slows down, rises, and hovers above the Breen ship. The mountains are seconds away. Vector 3 attaches a tractor beam to the Breen ship and pushes it downward. The Breen ship scrapes along rocky surface of the planet and begins to tear apart. Vector 3 gets behind the Breen and pushes them faster. The Breen ship smashes into the mountain wall and Vector 3 flies right through the explosion.)
Daniel: Alirght!
(Vector 3 loses control and heads downward towards the mountains. Daniel impulsively fires a hole in the mountain and the Vector flies through it, crashing inside the mountian. Everyone falls down.)
Gotens/Lox/Daniel: AAAAaaaaaahhh!!!

(The smoke and chaos go away)
Gotens(gets up with bruises all over him): We're alive!! I really thought we were gonna die there.
Daniel(gets up): Yeah, but that wouldn't be consistent with these episodes.
Gotens: ...
Daniel: I'm glad you guys came... Except for Lox. You're the nutty professor.
(The viewscreen suddenly goes on)
Gotens: Hey, Lox. Did you do that?
Lox: No, but I'll take credit for it.

(They look at the screen. There's a huge cavern full of technical equipment. A man lies on a bed in the middle of the room; tubes and wires are connected to him. The Captian, Commander and Doctor beam into the room and begin tri-quarter readings)
Lox(approaches the man): This guy is dead.
Gotens: Oh my gosh!!
Lox: What!?
Gotens: I just remembered the shield configurations for Starbase 55!
Lox: Wow, great. That'll really help us.
Gotens: Oh my gosh!!
Lox: What!?
Gotens(notices the spots on the man's neck): This guy's a Trill.
Lox(continues more tri-quarter readings): Yeah, just like you. These devices seem to be connected to his cerebral cortex and other such parts of the brain that I have no names for.
Daniel(on the other side of the room): Yes!! I found the multi-spacial shield generator!! Respect, here I come.
(He tries pulling the generator out)
Daniel: Ugh! It's--stuck--
Lox: Captian, the Symbiont in this man's system is still alive. But it will die in a couple hours unless I can find a suitable host for it.
Daniel(still trying to pull the generator out): Argghh-- huh? Well, don't look at me.
Gotens: I'll do it.
Daniel: Oh, thanks. I'm having a H. E. double hockey sticks of a time, trying to get this stupid thing out.
Gotens: No! I'll be the host.
Daniel: What do you think this is, a dinner party with Regis and Cathilee? You're already hosting a Symbiont.
Gotens: Yeah, but I'll take my Symbiont out, and put this guy's Symbiont in me.
Daniel: This isn't lego. What are you gonna do with yours!?
Gotens: Keep it in a glass case; and when we get home, there'll be another Trill waiting and then we can make the switch again!
Lox: Brilliant. But who's gonna do the surgery?
Gotens: You will.
Daniel: No he won't! He's Doctor Kevorkian!!
Lox: Hey, you know my High School nickname!
(They leave the cave)

*Daniel: Captian's log, Stardate 527789213485603218653--well, you get the point. It's been 4 hours and the untrustworthy Doctor Lox has been in surgery switching the Gotens host for the Xen host. Commander Night Gotens will now be known as Commander Night Xen.... Hmm... waitaminute, according to Starfleet regulations, he's not a Federation officer anymore. Wohoo!!

(Daniel sits in his ready room, contacting the Federation)
Daniel: I found the prototype.
*Theseus(on screen): Good. But the real reason I sent you down there was to retrieve the Xen Symbiont.
Daniel: What!? You lied!?
*Theseus: Yeah, pretty much. Captain, you haven't heard of the Xen Symbiont? Legend says that it's lived for more than fifteen centuries, it's the oldest Symbiont to live ever; and it is said that it has achieved complete wisdom and knowledge of the entire universe!! This is our key to the universe!!
Daniel(cuts the transmission): Fruitcake.

(Daniel enters sickbay)
Daniel: Report.
Lox: I am just about done. I finally did something right.
(The Doctor steps away from the medical bed. Night Xen sits up.)
Xen: Oh heaven of heavens. I have achieved ultimate wisdom and knowledge; The universe's equation is so simple that I have the power to create heaven and earth!!! I am the new messiah!!!!!
Daniel: ...Sooooo... how do you feel?
Xen(shrugs): Pretty much the same. Is it dinner time yet?

(They go to the Bridge)
Daniel: So, supposedly, you know everything?
Xen: Yup.
Daniel: Okay... then tell me the square root of 61045281.
Xen: It's 4.769558125 to the 11th power.
Daniel: Ha! Any dimwit knows that. What's the secret ingredient to Papa Louigie's secret sauce?
Xen: Dog hairs.
Lox: Eeeuu. What's the missing chromosome factor in the gene therapy of a flea?
Xen: The chromosome, dextorious, can be easily found if you reconvert a piece of cheese's anti-matter flux field to 0.
Daniel: Wow, Commander, I never thought you'd have so much knowledge.
Lox: Who's the first President of the United States?
Xen: Washington.
Daniel: Hold it. We have to ask questions that count. Night, how far does space go?
Xen: Space comes to an end at about 5 billion hyper time-inches from here.
Lox: Well... what shape is space?
Xen: Almost like a circle, but it's shape always changes; like a sun.
Lox: What's beyond space?
Xen: God's bedroom. We're his science experiment, you know.
Lox: Oh really? What did he get?
Xen: His teacher gave him a C minus.
Lox: Damn.
Xen: Hate in the universe is overcoming caring. He gave up. Some night's when he's bored, he'll work on the universe; but other than that, he's out playing basketball with his friends.
Daniel: This is bull %$@*.
Lox: This is not bull percent-dollar-at-star sign.
Daniel: The Xen Symbiont isn't wise, he's crazy!
Xen: Captian, you should not fear the truth. You must accept that of what you can't help and or understand.
Daniel(steps up): Oh man, I can't wait until the Gotens Symbiont is back in you.
Xen: But I do not want the Gotens Symbiont anymore. I choose to stay like this. This is what I planned.
Daniel: Planned? You're more crazy than Doctor Lox!
Xen: You do not understand, do you? Haha! Do you really think that getting here is all coincidence? Think about it. Your eagerness to please the Federation; Commader Gotens's stowing away with the Doctor; your landing in these mountians!!! I even had to turn off the multi-spacial shielding so you could come to the room. I set all these events in motion so that you could come to me, so that I could have a host!! Hahaha!! All I had to do is stimulate certain chemicals in your brains!!
Daniel: But I'm a Changeling, I don't have any brains.
Xen: Captian, you should know by now that there is no such thing a luck. Beings like me control the universe!! Hahahahahahahahahaaa!!! --Although, in my calculations, I made the Doctor wear a tutu.
Lox: Yeah, an' I took it off!
Xen: Let's go.
Daniel: No, we're not going until you give up the Xen Symbiont.
(The ship suddenly shakes)
Daniel: Oh my gosh, did you do that with the power of thought?
Xen: No.
Lox(checks sensors): There are twenty Breen soldiers coming this way!!
Daniel: Through the caves? They must've beamed off their ship before it blew up.
Xen: Wow, you're a smart one.
Daniel: The Breen have a weapon that disables our systems and destroys the ship; there's no way we'll be able to escape the solar system. We have to beam the multi-spacial shielding onto the Vector.
Xen(runs over to a control panel): I'll get on that.
(Daniel and Lox glance at each other)
Lox: Well, at least he's helpful.
(Two Breen soldiers beam onto the Bridge)
Daniel: Watch out!!
Breen1(swings at Lox): Arrghh!!
Lox(ducks it): Ahh!!
Breen1: Aaaaaarrgghh!!!!
Lox: Aaaaaaaaahhhh!!!!
Breen1: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!
Lox: Ahh!
(The Breen fires phasers at Daniel. Daniel creates a hole in his stomach so the phaser goes right through. Daniel liquefies, and then wraps around the Breen guy, squeezing him. Daniel's head forms in front of the Breen's face. Sharp knives shoots out of the Daniel liquid into the Breen, killing it. Daniel moves onto the next Breen)
Lox: Well done, sir. I might be a coward, but at least I'm a coward on your side.
Xen(paraniod): There's no time for the multi-spacial shield. We have to get out of here before someone kills me!!
Lox: Jeez, you'd think having all that wisdom would make you a little nicer.

(Vector 3 rises and hits the ceiling of the cave. The Breen soldiers fire phasers at it. Daniel approaches the last Breen guy. The Breen speaks; Daniel and Xen are the only people who's universal translator work.)
Breen: Dfjire g[wprv,dmwi gor fcmskar.
Lox: What did he say?
Breen: Captian, you cannot let the Xen Symbiont live.
Daniel(stops): Explain.
Xen: Captian, don't listen to him! He's just telling you what you want to hear!!
(Vector 3 backs out through the hole of the mountain and goes outside.)
Breen: The Xen Symbiont is dangerous. Many decades ago, he shared knowledge with one of our leaders; and that leader used unimaginable power to control our people.
Daniel: Dinosaur people.
Breen: It took years to drive Xen away and assassinate the leader. Xen finally hid in these mountians and we have not been able to break through his multi-spacial shielding until you came.
Xen(crying on a control panel): Oh my God!! Why does he have to tell the whole story!! Aaaahhhh!! Why!? Why!?
Breen: My men have mutinied against their greedy Captain because they know how much of a threat the Xen is.
Daniel(glances at Night Xen): I see....
Lox: You see what? Do I gotta bugger in my nose?
Xen: Do not believe him, it is a trick! Do not forget that the Breen are at war with the Federation!!
Daniel: You're right, Xen.
Xen: I am? I mean, I am.
Daniel: There's only one way to kill this dinosaur Breen scum.
Breen: Hey, that's my feelings your hurting.
Daniel: Computer, depleet 95 percent of the oxygen in this room. Authorization, Daniel-Alpha-3-4.
(The computer complys. Xen and Lox faint from lack of oxygen. The Breen doesn't faint because he is wearing an environmental suit. Daniel doesn't faint because he's a changeling and changeling's don't need to breathe.)
Daniel: Haha. That's two birds with one stone.
Breen: You believe me?
Daniel: Yup. Now, let's take these two to sickbay.
Breen(nods): Very well. Just do not make fun of me anymore.

*Daniel: Captian's log, supplemental. Xen's equipment room was destroyed in all the chaos, so we lost the multi-spacial shielding; it is not such a big loss if getting it is just to impress the Federation. Doctor Lox successfully put the Gotens Symbiont back into the Night host. After shaking hands with our so called enemy, the Breen, the dinosaur people, they have taken the Xen Symbiont with them in exchange for safe passage home. Vector 3 has returned to the Phoenix-X.

(Daniel sits in the Ready Room. The doorbell beeps)
Daniel: Shane, I told you before, I am not doing the funky chicken with you!!
Gotens(walks in): It's me.
Daniel: Oh, you. Kayl got your apology, she's swinging by your quarters later on to slap you.
Gotens: Great, right after Armond's fiancé slaps me when I break up with her. I wanted to let you know that I don't know everything anymore.
Daniel(looks out his window): That's a relief. Do you really think that there are beings out there that know everything and have the power to control us?
Gotens: You mean use us like guinea pigs? Nah.

(Admiral Theseus looks out his office window at the rest of Starbase 55)
Theseus: Heh, heh, heh, heh. Hahahaha! AAaaaaahahahahahaha!!--
Cid(sitting at the table): --Uhhh, I don't get it.
Theseus: Shut up, you!