Star Trek: Phoenix-X
The Invisible Enemy
Kayl: (hey.)
Rico: (hey.)
Kayl: (a/s/l?)
Rico: (28/M/The Morcas Planet. You?)
Kayl: (23/f/federation starship phoenix-x. where's the morcas planet? i never heard of it before.)
Rico: (It's in the alpha quadrant. Our people prefer not to have that many visitors.)
Kayl: (you prefer not to have visitors and you still chat over the telepathic universe?)
Rico: (I don't usually chat online. Most of the time, I'm just surfing the telepathic web.)
Kayl: (cool. i don't usually chat either. can you tell me how to surf the telepathic web?)
Rico: (Sure no problem. Do you have a telepathic web browser?)
Kayl: (no. what's that?)
Rico: (Here. I'll give you a hyperlink to download one into your cerebral cortex... BRB)
Kayl: (okay.)
Rico: (Hold on, I gotta find it first.)
Kayl: (lol.)
(Admiral Cloud goes on screen in the Conference Room of the Phoenix-X)
*Cloud: Phoenix-X, I have a mission for you.
(No one is in the room)
*Cloud: Hello?? Anyone there???
(Commander Seifer enters the room)
Seifer: Oh yeah, I forgot about you.
*Cloud: Where is everyone? I scheduled this meeting two days ago!
Seifer: Well the crew kind of skipped out this time. It might be because last time you scheduled a meeting with us, you were giving a long and boring speech on baggy pants.
*Cloud: Uh! Because no other crew would listen to me! Don't these uniforms give you wedgies?!
Seifer(picks his wedgie): Yes.
*Cloud: Good! Anyways, I need you guys to inspect a mysterious planet. It's called the Morcas Planet. We're not sure how dangerous they are, so we're sending you guys to explore it.
Seifer(wines): Explore?? Don't you have people who do that for you?
*Cloud: Yeah, you. We're also sending you a package of 25 Cloaking Suits for you to use on your Away Mission. They're left over from that Son'a encounter with the Enterprise.
Seifer: Son'a encounter?
*Cloud: Yeah. You know, the one that that Riker guy made a movie after? I think it was called "Insurrection".
Seifer: Oh yeeahhh. His movies always suck.
*Cloud(nods): I know. I'll see what I can do to give him laxative in his breakfast tomorrow.
Seifer(nods): Agreed.
(They both laugh evilly)
Seifer/*Cloud: Hahahahaha!!!
(Kayl enters her Quarters and sits down on her bed to meditate. She uses her telepathic abilities to log online.)
Kayl: (hey you.)
*Rico: (Good morning! What's up?)
Kayl: (i surfed the telepathic web after you left last night. it's pretty cool, except I kept finding telepathic porno sites when i entered "phoenix-x" in the search engine.)
*Rico: (Yeah, that's probably cause of the too many X's. Besides, I don't think there are any websites on "Phoenix-X".)
Kayl: (oh you'd be surprised how many people there are with no lives that make websites.)
*Rico: (I would've stayed on longer with you last night but my brain was about to crash from so many people trying to Instant Message me. I really just wanted to chat with you.)
Kayl: (awww. that's sweet. do you think there's anyway i can meet you?)
*Rico: (Sure. I'd love that. Just don't scream if I turn out to be hideously ugly to your species.)
Kayl: (okay, i'll try. my ship's on its way to the lorkas sector.)
Red: The Lorkas Sector. There have been many Klingon stories about an invisible species called the Morcas who dwell here...
(The lights dim on him)
Red: ...Plotting something...
(The Phoenix-X descends transwarp in the Lorkas System. Daniel takes a seat on the Bridge)
Daniel: Then we must be dealing with an ancient species...
Red: Not really. The stories just started a couple weeks ago.
Daniel: What do you know about the Morcas?
Red: Not much. It's just a rumour that they exist.
(The lights dim on him again)
Red: ...An evil rumour...
Daniel: Will you please stop that?
Armond(checks his computer): Captain. If these are the correct co-ordinates the Admiral gave us, then there is no planet here.
Daniel: What? That's impossible! Screen on, Kayl.
(There's a silence)
Daniel: ...Lieutenant Kayl?
Red: She is late for work again.
(The lights dim on him)
Red: ...Very late...
Daniel: Quit it!! Just hail Starbase 55, Armond.
(The Admiral goes on screen)
Daniel: Admiral. Are sure this is where the Morcas Planet is?
*Cloud: As sure as my fat ass is white.
Daniel: Well it's not here.
*Cloud(checks his butt): Well... it still is white. Maybe there's something wrong with our computers. Keep your position while I have my people do a Level 4 Diagnostics Check on our database. Cloud out.
(The screen clicks off)
Kayl(enters the Bridge): Sorry I'm late. I was... uhh, surfing the Internet...
Armond: The Internet is obsolete in the future.
Kayl: I mean I was... attending the Canadian Achievement Awards!
Armond: I find it very hard to believe that anyone would attend those.
Daniel: Agreed. Kayl, you're confined to Quarters until I can find a proper punishment for you. Perhaps we will make you listen to Country music.
Kayl(leaves): Damn!
(Doctor Lox meets up with Kayl in the hallways)
Lox: Kayl!! Remember when you asked me if it was safe for you to log onto the telepathic universe 'cause you were afraid your brain's memory cells would be affected?
Kayl(thinks about it): Now that you mention it... no.
Lox: Well for a human to be connecting to the telepathic universe is really bad!!
Kayl: Oh no! Has my brain already started to deteriorate??
Lox: No, medically it's okay. I'm just saying that humans are really gullible and talking to strangers over the telepathic universe could lead to your own deception. Remember, you cannot see these people.
Kayl: Oh really, Doctor; can anyone really see anyone? --Anyways, you're Human; did you know that they took the word "gullible" out of the dictionary?
Lox: Did they really? I'll have to check that.
(He runs off in excitement. Kayl enters her Quarters, noticing some kind of invisible distortion in the middle of her room)
Kayl(taps her commbadge): Kayl to Security, there's an invisible intruder in my quarters.
*Kugo: Invisible? Yeah right. If it's invisible then there's no way you can prove it to us.
Kayl(shrugs): Well... I guess not.
*Kugo: Which means you'll just be wasting our time! See? Logic does come in handy.
(The comm signal cuts out)
Kayl: Vulcan's are so frustrating.
(The distortion de-cloaks itself. It's an alien person)
Rico: It's me, Rico!
Kayl(surprised): Oh, Rico! Hey, what's up? It's so nice to finally meet you.
(She hugs him)
Rico: Yes, yes, I know it is.
Kayl(looks at his suit): Where'd you get cloaking technology?
Rico: Oh, just some Son'a race. You know, I heard someone made a movie about them. I think it was called, "Insurrection."
Kayl: Yeah. I heard it wasn't as good as "Generations" and "First Contact", though.
(Meanwhile, Commander Riker sits down to have breakfast with Councillor Troy, on the Enterprise)
Riker: So what were you saying about this telepathic universe? I may make a movie about it.
(Riker eats some of his food and feels his stomach ache)
Riker: ...Ugh...
Troy: What's wrong?
Riker: Someone put laxatives in my food!
(He runs off to the washroom)
<<Plop>>
(Seifer enters Main Engineering of the Phoenix-X)
Seifer: Heh, heh, heh... Riker.
(A computer beeps)
Matt(taps his commbadge): Matt to Bridge, the Transwarp Hull Containment Field is weakening on Vector 1. I think there might be something sticking to the side of our ship!!!
(Armond responds)
*Armond: We're not picking anything up, up here. It may be cloaked!!!!
Matt: Aaahhhh!!!
*Armond: Aaaaahhh!!!!
Seifer(walks over): What if you can send an energy pulse through the Transwarp Field Buffer to force it off?
(They think about it)
*Armond: Oh I dunno. We need clearance from either the Captain or the Commander about that.
Matt: Yeah, you don't just send electric pulses up your keister everyday there, Mister.
Seifer: I am the Commander!!
*Armond: Oh yeah.
Matt: Yeah, I forgot.
(Runs of electric pulses ride up the side of the ship, shocking the cloaked alien vessel sticking to the hull)
*Armond: It's still there.
Matt: I'm attempting to try a stronger pulse.
(The vessel is shocked even more, but stays there)
Seifer: What's the status of our keister?
Matt: Anymore pulses and the keister might blow.
(Kayl and Rico have a seat)
Rico: There's a little custom my people have when with a loved one.
Kayl: Is it sex?
Rico: No.
Kayl: Then what the heck could it be?
Rico: I telepathically connect with your mind to read all your inner thoughts and emotions.
Kayl: Are sure it's not sex?
(Rico leans over and places his hand on her forehead)
Rico: Just sit still.
(Kayl backs away)
Kayl: No! I don't want nobody reading my most inner thoughts and emotions.
(Rico moves closer again)
Rico: Yes you do, you just don't know it.
Kayl: Excuse me; I just don't know it? Oh no, you did not go there.
Rico: It's only telepathy!
Kayl: You need to get your telepathetic ass out my Quarters before I bust a plasma cell all up in your face.
(She reaches for her phaser)
Rico: I'm afraid I'm going to have to insist.
(Rico forcedly places his hand on Kayl's forehead, putting her subconscious into a state of shock. He begins to telepathically exploit her most inner thoughts and emotions for himself)
(Kugo is out in the hallway and she hears a scream from Kayl's Quarters)
*<<AAAaaaaaahhh!!!>>
Kugo: That sounded like Kayl for a second.
Elly: I think it was.
(Kugo busts into Kayl's Quarters finding the furniture in the room a mess from a struggle and Kayl on the floor hugging her knees and shivering)
Kugo: Are you alright?
Kayl: He..... he..... he's cloaked......
Kugo(taps her commbadge): Kugo to security; be on the lookout for an invisible man. Remember; he's invisible, so look for that. Kugo out.
(Rico runs really fast getting into his Morcas ship and disengages its lock from the Phoenix-X. The Morcas ship speeds away but is suddenly snatched by a tractor beam. The Phoenix-X pulls it back towards them)
Armond(pressing the tractor beam button): You're not going anywhere...
(A circle of a whole bunch of large Morca Robot Ships suddenly de-cloak in front of them. They threaten to destroy the Phoenix-X.)
Armond(lets go of the tractor beam button): Okay, you can get off with a warning.
(Rico's vessel speeds off, but not too far because a huge ass planet suddenly de-cloaks in front of everyone. Daniel enters the Bridge)
Daniel(in Picard's voice): Follow it in Mista' Armond.
Armond: Yes, Captain Picard.
(The Phoenix-X follows Rico's vessel right through the circle formation of the Morca Robot Ships towards the planet. The ships fire but miss)
Armond: Captain! We can't follow him into the planet!
Daniel: Why the H-E-double hockey sticks not, Mista' Armond?
Armond: There's a Planetary Shielding that the Phoenix-X is too big to pass through.
Daniel: Can we beam an Away Team through it, Mista' Armond?
Armond: Yes, Captain Picard.
Daniel: Make it so.
(An away team beams down to Morcas, wearing the new Cloaking Suits)
Seifer: Okay. This is the Morcas Planet that Admiral Cloud, wanted us to investigate. Since planets are really big and we're really small, we're just going to look in that building over there.
(He points)
Seifer: Is everyone accounted for?
Shane: Yes.
Ensign Dan: Yes.
Yeltso: Yes.
GoyCho: Yeah.
Red: Affirmative.
(Kayl suddenly beams down also wearing a suit)
Kayl: Sorry I'm late. I was.... uhhh, attending the American Achievement Awards!
Seifer: Oh please, Kayl; I probably would've believed you if you said the Canadian Achievement Awards.
(Rico parks his ship at the front doors and the Away Team chases him inside. Inside there are rows of hundreds of people sleeping in pods with computer tubes connected to their bodies. Rico jumps into one and hooks himself up to it)
Kayl: What the--? It's some kind of perverted linkup!! These people go out and experience other telepathic species' minds' to share with each other!
Shane: Are you sure? Maybe it's The Matrix!
(Rico suddenly jolts in his pod, sending out a telepathic shockwave to everyone else connected to a pod. They all experience what Rico experienced. The place echoes with sighs of relief from the Morca)
Shane: Eeeuu. She's right.
Seifer: Take out their systems.
(Red fires at a computer console, blowing it up. The Morca start waking up)
Seifer: Okay, now let's get out of here before they start coming on to us.
(They jet out of the building and find a huge mechanical Generator across the open field)
Red(takes tri-quarter readings): This is the Cloaking Device and the Planetary Shield Generator all in one. It also makes fries.
(A crowd of Morca carrying phasers, walk out the building heading for the Away Team. They activate their personal cloaking devices and start going invisible one by one. They start firing at the Away Team)
Kayl: Oh man... They can go invisible!!!
(She looks over to the rest of the Away Team as they activate their own cloaking suits)
Kayl: Oh yeah, we can go invisible too.
(She activates her cloaking suit, making her invisible. Everyone starts firing at each other, but since they're all invisible, it just looks like phasers firing out of thin air)
(Meanwhile, the Phoenix-X swarms around the planet, dodging more and more Morca Robot Ships that are just de-cloaking)
Armond: Captain. They're firing on us.
Daniel: Oh. Well. Like I didn't see that coming! Like I didn't expect them to start firing on us!! Why don't I just give you a medal of honour for being so helpful in figuring out that they're firing on us!?!?!
Armond: Are you being sarcastic, sir?
Daniel(gives him a medal): Absolutely not. Why does everyone always think I'm being sarcastic when I talk like that?
(Armond tactically cloaks the Phoenix-X. The Robot ships are confused as to whom to fire at. They get frustrated, so they blow up the moon. The Robot ships laugh at it.)
Daniel: Hail Starbase 55.
(The screen clicks on)
*Cloud: Captain! You're lucky I have a contract with the Federation to be here 24-7, or I'd be out picking up girls.
Daniel: Yeah right. We need re-enforcements. More and more Robot ships keep de-cloaking and I don't wanna waste all my torpedoes.
*Cloud: Only if you can get me date with that delightful Kugo.
Daniel: Consider it done. I'll even throw in Shane as a kinky bonus.
*Cloud: Uhhh, no thanks. Just forget I said anything.
(On the planet.... It's a beautiful day. A cute little bird flutters by chirping a sweet song. A phaser beam comes out of nowhere torching the little bird)
Red: It's battle time! Yeah!
(Red is suddenly shot down)
Red: Auh!! Tell my mother I wanted to kill her!
(He goes unconscious)
Ensign Dan: Oh no! They can see us somehow! Is this the end of the Ensign Dan Saga??
(Ensign Dan is taken out. The invisible enemy are using their telepathic awareness to locate the members of the Away Team)
GoyCho: I hope I can say something funny to add to this episode before I'm hit.
(GoyCho is suddenly taken out. Kayl gets fed up with this and pulls off her cloak. She becomes visible in an area full of phaser fire)
Kayl: Be prepared, your awareness is coming to an end...
(She uses her telepathic awareness to locate the invisible enemy and shoot each down one by one. She finally finds Rico and shoots him down. She walks over pulling off his cloak. His unconscious face becomes visible)
Kayl: Rico...You son of a bitch.
Rico(slowly opens his eyes): You? I thought I was done with you... Jeez. Way to be haunted.
(Kayl phasers him again. Shane runs around dodging phaser fire)
Shane: Kayl, take out the Force Field Generator!
Kayl: You're not my boss!
(She just stands there with no other ideas)
Kayl: Oh what the hell.
(She blows up the Field Generator. Large chunks are blown past her.)
Kayl: Man! I got girl power goin' on today!
(Anyways, enemy phaser fire continues and Kayl's suddenly hit)
(Federation re-enforcements arrive. The Robot Ships get scared and speed off to find more moons to blow up. The Phoenix-X de-cloaks and beams everyone back)
(The Enterprise hail's the Bridge of the Phoenix-X)
Seifer: Is there something we can help you with?
*Riker: Yeah. How about us returning 28 milligrams of laxative that was signed out in your name?
Seifer(under his breath): Cloud!
(He adds Cloud to his revenge list)
Seifer: Armond, raise the shields and arm the torpedoes!
(The screen cuts out. The Phoenix-X and the Enterprise fire back and forth at each other a couple times and then retreat when they get bored)
Red: So did anyone know that Kayl had telepathic capabilities?
Armond: No.
Shane: Nope.
Ensign Dan: No.
Seifer: Oh I did! She got them from our encounter with the Gordarion species; the species named after King Gordan.
BOB: Yeah, I remember that long episode.
(Everyone looks around wondering where that BOB guy came from)
Ensign Dan: Anyways. The important thing is, the Federation issued these new baggy pants-uniforms that make travelling through space even more comfortable.
(They all stand there modelling their new uniforms)
(Everyone): Yeeaahhh....
(Kayl meets the Captain in 10-Forward)
Kayl: So is everyone all right?
Daniel: Yes. We have the enemy under control. Shane was able take them all down by shape shifting into a big cowboy rope, lassoing everyone.
Kayl: Yeah. That's what I would've done.
(She walks over to the window. Outside is the Morcas Planet)
Kayl(shakes her head): I shouldn't have ever trusted him. I didn't even know him.
Daniel: Who?
Kayl: Rico! What he did to me was like rape. And then he shared it with all of his friends!
Daniel: What can I say, but these things happen. There are some pretty sick people out there. You should've been more cautious with the telepathic web. All in all, it wasn't your fault.
Kayl(leans against the window): I don't know what to do anymore...
Daniel(walks over): Help us. Use your powers for good. We could use your insights on our away missions.
Kayl(nods): I think I will. And I will find more people like Rico and put a stop to them.
Daniel: Very well. I'll be on the Bridge.
(He leaves. The Phoenix-X begins departure of the area. Kayl glances back out the window as a scatter of Federation Starships race past the Phoenix-X to commence the invasion of the Morcas Planet)
THE END
