Star Trek: Phoenix-X
"Broken Pieces"
The Talarian warship Socom treks through space. Its Captain watches his son, intently, as his son stands focused at the center of the Bridge.
Morchn: "Son, this is ludicrous. You're liable to cause yourself a vein burst!"
Rein: "Gghhgg... I've almost achieved it, father... I've almost achieved omnipotent status."
Darken: "Captain, we must stop this at once. Such a status brings fear to my shivered-me-timbers!"
Morchn: "Quiet, first officer! Don't you see the power Rein has? He was turned into an omni'X years ago!"
Darken: "I digested a rotten tomato three years ago, but you don't see me bragging about that."
Morchn: "Don't you see? Rein has been able to travel through time!"
Sarva: "Yeah, that was scary. He appeared to me when I was child, and gave me a pat on the head. I never forgot that pat and have lived in fear of them ever since then."
Zark: "Good one, tactical officer. Don't forget, Rein also can create objects out of thin air. He made me this delightful necklace of tomato skins!"
Morchn: "Uh, about that. Can you please stop wearing it? You're supposed to be a respectable helmsman."
Zark: "But it's so rockin! That's a new word I came up with, after having listened to our Talarian music for over eight hours straight."
Rein: "Aarrgghhh. Can't everyone shut up? I'm trying to concentrate here! Errrrgg! All stop!"
The ship suddenly stops.
Darken: "This is absurd. I want to mutiny!"
Morchn: "Not now, Darken. Were you not informed of my son's latest achievement?"
Darken: "Negative. I was racing dune-buggies on Kolarus III at the time."
Sarva: "Well, Rein learned a new ability. He brought back Lartoga from the dead!"
Darken: "What the? But Lartoga was vapourized by Romulans, six months ago??"
Lartoga, enters: "Greetings, Darken."
Darken: "AHH! Lartoga? You still owe me two bars of latinum!"
Lartoga: "I knew I should've stayed dead."
Zark: "Wait a second?? I didn't know Rein brought someone back from the dead??"
Morchn: "It's all part of his growing omni abilities. That, and no one wants to tell you anything, tomato-necklace boy!"
Zark: "That was kind of mean."
The young Talarian steps forward, clutching his head in strain.
Rein: "AArrrggh!! ..........I can feel them. A whole crew.... killed..... they were here!"
Darken: "What is he talking about?"
Sarva: "It's his last step to using his omni-power. If he can achieve this next move, he'll become more powerful than ever before..."
Morchn: "He'll achieve omnipotent status!"
Darken: "Uhh, are you sure you want that? He's pretty reckless you know."
Morchn: "Wait a second, you're right. He's no where near a responsible young adult! He barely passed his Age of Decision!"
Sarva: "But when he did, he decided to go all out with his omni-ness."
Rein: "AAAAAGGGGG!!!! Ship........ destroyed.......... eight years ago......."
He begins to glow ominously, as energy pulsates from him.
Darken: "But how does he bring people from the dead, back to life?"
Zark: "You can't explain omni-power."
Morchn: "My son somehow pulls a person from the point before their death... through time. Then brings them back to the present!"
Zark: "So you can explain omni-power."
Lartoga: "The last thing I remember is sleeping with that Romulan female, and her ex-husband breaking into the room with a disrupter. Then poof! I appeared six months later in the same bed with the same intensity I had during my encounter with Kassandre."
Zark: "Eeuu."
All of a sudden the entire ship starts shaking.
Morchn: "What's going on?"
Sarva: "The ship is under gravimetric stress. It's coming from Rein!"
Rein: "Whole crew......... killed in this spot............. KILLED!!!!!!"
Then, in a flash, another crew of people appear all throughout the Talarian ship! Humans and Klingons appear one after the other on several different decks. They are confused and lost.
Darken: "What the?? Intruder alert!"
Morchn, stands: "Wait! This must be my son's doing!"
Rein: "YYYAAARRRRgggggh........... AAAAAAARRRRRRRR!!!!"
Just then, Rein's body brightens and dissolves into the air. He suddenly becomes non-corporeal.
Morchn: "Rein!"
Sarva: "He's become an X... a full omnipotent!"
The Rein energy flies out through the ship and into space. It suddenly flashes away, as if by a snap of the fingers.
Morchn: "Rein??"
Sarva: "Captain, he's evolved. The miracle he just pulled, must have sent him onto the next level of his omni'X status... to that of a full X."
Morchn: "Will I ever see him again?"
Sarva: "There's no way to know. I mean, would you want to see your parents after evolving to an omnipotent being?"
Morchn, shrugs: "Well maybe to brag."
The Talarian crew quickly pull up their weapons at the dumbfounded crew of Terrans.
Kayl: "What's going on here?"
Morchn: "Greetings, I am Captain Morchn of the Talarian warship, Socom. You and your entire crew were on the brink of destruction, were you not?"
Red: "The last thing I recall was torpedoes heading straight for us."
Morchn: "Well my son, an omnipotent, tracked your essence down to this very spot and brought you back through time... more specifically, the instant before your ship and you were destroyed."
GoyCho: "What about our ship? Why couldn't he bring back that??"
Morchn: "I don't know. Perhaps it was because you all are organic beings. Now tell me, who is the leader of your crew?"
A Changeling walks around a few people and approaches Morchn.
Daniel: "I am."
Half an hour later, the senior staff of both crews meet in the Socom's Conference Room.
Darken: "So let me get this straight. Rein brought back this other crew so that he could ascend to the cosmos?"
Sarva: "Yes."
Darken: "Why would he leave us with his problems?? He is so inconsiderate!"
Morchn: "Hmm. No more talking for you. That's an order."
Daniel: "It's a pleasure to meet your crew, but what the hell is going on?"
Morchn: "You should be thanking us. We saved your lives. If you'll notice, the present year is 2383."
Kugo: "That's impossible! The year is 2375!"
Zark: "Wrong. Man, you guys are so lost."
Morchn: "Captain Daniel. Please describe to us your experience before you were about to be destroyed."
Daniel: "We were just about to destroy our enemy, when they decided to jump to warp and fire at us unexpectedly."
Red: "We would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for that meddling crew!"
Daniel: "Sufficed to say, we almost had them. Considering all the work we put into our new ship."
Red: "That cursed Phoenix-X did this to us!"
Morchn: "Whoa, whoa. You don't have to get all emotional and everything on us. Perhaps my crew and I should give you guys some room. In the meantime, we're heading off to a desolate planet to drop you off. There wasn't any time to check if it was habitable, but you can always hope."
The Socom's crew get up and leave the Conference Room. Daniel quickly looks at his own crew with intensity.
Daniel: "This is crazy! Are we supposed to believe their story??"
Kugo: "Whether we believe it or not, we are here."
Daniel: "What? How dare you defy me! I'll kill you!"
He looks for his phaser.
Daniel: "Oh right, not here."
Kayl: "At least Morchn's son brought us all back with our clothes on. Strange how that works out."
Daniel: "Screw this other crew! We have to look out for ourselves. When that insipid other Captain of the Phoenix-X fired at us, I was pitted with rage!"
Red: "I recall you about to say a swear word. What was it again?"
Daniel: "Swear? I'll kill you for that accusation!"
Kayl: "You know, we would have never gotten into this situation if we had all not agreed to join that second ship that Smiley had built in secret."
Daniel: "It was about time we got the upper hand. The Terrans have been enslaved by the Alliance far enough. Things were looking up since Smiley had just captured Regent Worf and his immensely powerful Klingon ship."
Kugo: "Aren't you a Changeling? Couldn't you just have killed all the Alliance soldiers with your shape-shifting powers?"
Daniel: "Hey! There are some things I just hadn't gotten around to yet!"
GoyCho: "Let's not forget the Klingon crew who defected from the Alliance and joined our Phoenix-X."
Daniel: "Why'd you guys defect again?"
Red: "The Empire exiled us when we accidentally fired at Regent Worf's ship. What?? Sometimes we Klingons like to express our anger to each other by slamming our fists on the table. It's just that one time, the table happened to be the weapons console."
Kayl: "Well, whatever the reason, we created doubles of us and were destroyed by our doubles."
Kugo: "Actually, I have a theory. I don't think we did create doubles of us... I think we slipped into a parallel, or mirror, if you will, universe!"
Daniel: "Lies!"
Kugo: "It's true, Captain. I thought I recognized the attributes of that star that shocked us and changed our quantum states. Our molecular patterns, along with the ship, were brought to the other universe."
Daniel: "You might be on to something... Smiley did say he got the schematics of our ship from a parallel universe, along with the Defiant's... This mirrored universe may just exist."
Red: "So does that mean we are in this other universe as we speak? That there is no Terran enslavement here, or Alliance power?"
Kugo: "Affirmative. Instead, there is something called the Federation - an alliance of planets, working toward a common goodness."
Daniel: "How sickening."
Kugo: "Well, after being enslaved for years, it sounds really great."
Daniel: "I say what sounds great around here, and I say taking over this ship would be great!"
Kayl: "That's nice and everything. But shouldn't we be thankful for what the Talarians have done for us?"
Daniel: "I don't understand, Kayl. I do feel thankful. Now, on to taking over the ship."
Five minutes later, Captain Daniel and his senior staff enter the Bridge, where the Talarian crew has already been taken over.
Amos: "Ah, Captain Daniel. Welcome to the Bridge."
He holds one of the Talarian weapons to Zark's head.
Daniel: "Did you just take over the ship before I could even order it?"
Amos: "Pretty much."
Daniel: "I've never been so conflicted. You did something I wanted, but then again you did it before I could order it-- thus making me look foolish."
The Captain grabs a Talarian rifle and shoots Amos. After Amos is shot, Amos remains standing and unhurt.
Daniel: "What the hell?"
Amos: "It would appear that their technology is weak."
Zark: "But you shot Darkon!?"
Amos: "It would appear that your technology is weak to everyone else, but hurtful to you."
Zark: "It's something I just didn't want to believe... We're pathetic!"
Daniel: "It's times like these I wish I could hurt myself."
Lartoga: "Hey now. We've got strength. Why do you think we all carry around our rifles wherever we go?"
Amos: "Because you lack actual strength and must compensate?"
Lartoga: "Well... uhh... hey! We had a war with the Federation! Hah! Take that!"
Daniel: "Some war that must've been. Who won?"
Zark: "It was really sort of a grey-confusion area by the end of the war. We were so uncertain, that we signed a peace treaty."
Lartoga: "Hey! Stop tarnishing the name of our people!"
He turns to their captors.
Lartoga: "We must fight back! For Cardassia!!!!! I mean... for Talaria!!!!!! Yeah. That's what I meant."
Red just punches him out.
Daniel: "Thanks, Red."
Red: "It is what I do."
Meanwhile, on the lower decks, two Klingons meet in a secluded and dark room.
Targon: "So it appears that we have returned to life, like the petaQ's that we are!"
Grath: "What the gre'thor? You're insulting yourself now."
Targon: "I can't help it. I am filled with so much Klingon energy!"
Grath: "Let's just focus on our next move. Yes, we are back miraculously, but how can we stain that good fortune with unholy wretchedness?"
Targon: "Obviously we must complete the mission we started before we joined with this incessant Captain!"
Grath: "That mission was for us Klingons to take over that Terran ship, Phoenix-X. Now that it's gone, what are we to do??"
Targon: "Before now, I was going to suggest a bikini contest. But I realized I had not shaved my Klingon bikini zones!"
Grath: "You make me sick, Targon. You really do."
Targon: "Then, umm, now we must take over this pitiful vessel!"
Grath: "Agreed. And while we're at it, destroy that Changeling Captain."
Nathan, steps out from the shadows: "I don't think you'll be doing any of that."
Targon: "Gah! I hate Terrans. What do you plan to do with that disrupter in your hands?"
Nathan: "Kill you, obviously. You've given defecting a bad name!"
All of a sudden a bat'leth blade stabs out from his chest. Kortos, who was secretly behind Nathan, then pushes the blade in further.
Nathan: "AGh!!! That was completely unnecessary!"
Kortos: "We're Klingons and from the mirror universe! Our killing practice is double what it is in this universe."
Nathan: "Well that's just great! Now look at me! I have to think of some last words now."
Targon: "Then hurry up about it. We don't have all day."
Nathan: "Umm. Let's see... Oh! I got it. How about-- Life was like a box of chocolates. I never knew what I was going to get... until now."
Grath: "No thank you."
Nathan: "Oh! How about-- And all these woes shall serve for sweet discourses in our time to come. Dry sorrow drinks our blood!”
Grath: "Too dramatic."
Nathan: "Let a smile be your umbrella?"
Grath: "Finish the killing already!"
Kortos nods and slices the blade through Nathan's left side. He then collapses to the floor, with blood and guts spilled everywhere.
Targon: "It's a good thing that our bat'leth's were returned with our bodies."
Grath: "It must've been some sort of mass-displacement thing."
The Captain and Commander Red go through scans of distant regions of space on the tactical station's view-screen.
Daniel: "Nothing good is showing itself just yet... Ah! Here's a ship we can take over."
Red: "A Klaestron starship? It looks pathetic... especially that giant anti-itch cream tube connected to their hull."
Kayl: "They must have some obsession with skin treatment."
Daniel: "Oookayy. How about this one?"
He shifts the scans over to another sector.
Red: "That appears to be a Scathosian vessel. Their armed with something called baby-killer torpedoes."
Kayl: "They must have some obsession with birth-control."
Daniel: "What the hell is wrong with this universe? Fine! The next thing we scan, we're taking over! I've had it up to here with this weak ship."
He points at Darken.
Daniel: "He keeps growling at me with useless male-dominant aggression! Like that does anything?"
The scans suddenly stop upon a Federation starship.
Daniel: "Finally!"
Red: "It appears to be a Norway class vessel. Its armaments are average for their kind, at best."
Kayl: "Yes, but pretty good compared to our standards. A ship like that would still make a difference for the Terran Rebellion, and would be easy to take over for us."
Daniel: "But it's so ugly."
Red: "You said the next ship we come across---!!!"
Daniel: "Alright alright! Keep your Klingon ridges together. In the meantime, I'm off to regenerate. No one kill me or anything! Heh, heh. Boy would that make my face red."
As the Socom jumps to warp, GoyCho meets with Kugo in her Quarters.
GoyCho: "So you've finally given into the primal urges, have you?"
Kugo: "You fool. Vulcan's only mate once every seven years!"
GoyCho: "Well we have been gone for eight years... I'd say you're about overdue."
The Vulcan stops to think.
Kugo: "Wait a moment... you're right!"
She goes over to a control panel and taps it.
Kugo: "Lieutenant Commander Kugo to Ensign Belm. You will meet me in my quarters for sex in about ten minutes."
#Belm: "Aye, Commander. Belm out."
GoyCho: "Ensign Belm?? Why him?"
Kugo: "I'm sorry. But were you expecting yourself?"
GoyCho: "Well-- err-- yeah-- uh---"
Kugo: "Now you are coming off as desperate."
GoyCho: "Oh forget it. I'll contact you again in seven years. By the way, why did you call me to your Quarters?"
Kugo: "To talk about Commander Red. I have reason to believe that he and the rest of the Klingon crew are planning a mutiny against us."
GoyCho: "What reason is that?"
Kugo: "He constantly is shifting his eyes from left to right, mischievously!"
GoyCho: "Holy crap! Well what do you think we should do about it?"
She walks over to a closet and opens it. Amos, with blood dripping from his mouth, falls to the floor. He is almost dead, as there is a knife stuck in his chest.
Kugo: "Well, I've already taken out one Klingon... that just leaves... half the crew more."
Amos: "Uhhhh...."
GoyCho: "Oh my gosh! Amos!"
Kugo: "No, GoyCho; traitor Amos."
Amos: "Ugghh... the Alliance will always prevail... ugghh..."
He pauses.
Amos: "Could someone open my eyes and call me to Stovokor when I die?"
GoyCho: "Yeah, sure."
Amos nods and then dies.
GoyCho: "Isn't that going to put a damper on the primal mood?"
Kugo: "Actually, it is quite a mood starter."
GoyCho, points: "You're sick Kugo!"
The Talarian starship Socom drops warp and approaches the U.S.S. Fusion. The Captain stands from his chair in shock.
Henry: "What the?? A ship approaching us! That's impossible."
Judy: "Yeah. Usually no one wants anything to do with us... You know, considering the look of our ship and all... Heh."
Henry: "Exactly, Commander. Maybe now we'll have something interesting to deal with. I hate that Starfleet completely forgot about us and didn't give us any missions!"
Seriv: "They're hailing."
>Daniel: "Greetings. I'm from the mirror universe."
Henry: "Whoa! That is so fascinating! You can beam over right away!"
Moments later, Daniel is beamed aboard. He then begins using his Changeling shape-shifting abilities to move throughout the ship quickly, killing people with sharpened tentacles.
The Bridge then gets wind of this.
Seriv: "Eighty-three... eighty-four... eighty-five people killed so far."
The console beeps.
Seriv: "Oop; that was a four-fer. We're now up to eighty-nine."
Henry: "Ugh! Why did I let him beam aboard? Why??"
Judy: "Don't worry, Captain. At least we'll all have the time we docked at Starbase 32 as a memory."
Henry: "That was a dream you had!"
Judy looks sad, suddenly realizing this. Just then, Daniel enters the Bridge and kills everyone. He goes over to the tactical station and beams his crew on board, group by group.
Kayl, enters: "Nice one, Captain. But did you have to kill everyone? That isn't exactly the Terran way."
Daniel: "Only I say what the Terran way is!!!"
GoyCho: "Actually, it was the Terran way at one point in history... But we shouldn't get into that, as it would be hours of intellectual societal discussion."
Kugo: "Now that we've got this ship, will we just let the Talarians go?"
Daniel: "Ah crap. I totally forgot about those guys. Is someone able to go over there and kill them?"
GoyCho: "Considering that these Federation weapons actually will kill, yeah I think that can be done. But who should go? I vote Targon."
Targon: "Ugh. That is too much work. Can't someone else do it?"
Red: "You're a Klingon!"
Targon: "Yes, but not a machine."
Daniel: "Alright, alright! I'll do it. I mean, I do enjoy it and everything."
He turns back to the console when suddenly Kayl pulls a phaser on him.
Kayl: "Don't move! This thing is set to 'kill'."
Daniel: "Kayl? But why would you turn against me, your lovingly innocent Captain!?"
Kayl: "It's that blatant disregard for life! We never agreed to join with a murderer!"
GoyCho: "I did."
Daniel: "You Terran Rebels need me! Without me, your rebellion is nothing!"
Red: "How can we even be sure of that anymore? It's been eight years. Maybe there've been some changes in our universe!"
Daniel: "Right! So what are we fighting for? We should all be friends!"
Red: "Uhh, aren't you a mirror universe Changeling?"
Daniel: "Oh yeah. I mean, I'll kill you all for disobeying me, petaQs!!"
Kayl: "What are you going to do, shape-shift a spike for an arm and stab it through one of us? Hah!"
Daniel immediately shape-shifts a spike-arm and stabs it toward Kayl. But Kayl turns to the side, dodging it as it, instead, stabs through Ensign Belm.
Belm: "Aggg!!!"
Daniel: "My bad, Belm. Want me to pull it out?"
Belm: "No, no. Wait, wait. I just want to say my farewell to Kugo."
Kugo: "Ugh. Last night wasn't that great, Belm. Seven years for less than a minute? I think Vulcans have to start introducing the concept of do-over's."
Belm: "Well that's just great! Now I'm going to die a shamed man!"
Daniel: "I'll just pull this out now."
He retracts his spike, allowing Belm to fall to his knees.
Belm: "So long, cruel universe! I but knew thee for a short time."
He falls over, dead.
Meanwhile, Captain Morchn paces in his locked Quarters impatiently.
Q, flashes in: "Watch it. You may wear the carpet out."
Morchn: "Ahh! Who are you?"
Q: "My name is Q, and I'm here to see your son."
Morchn: "Well, he's not here."
Suddenly, Rein flashes in.
Morchn: "Well, now he is."
Rein: "Hi."
Q: "You pitiful excuse for an omnipotent!"
Rein: "Hey now. Let's not get nasty."
Q: "Oh I'll get any way I want; because you have no business creating a new Continuum!"
Rein: "For the record, your Q's started it. I'm just carrying on the torch."
Q: "Well do you realize that you caused all these Humans and Klingons to exist in their wrong universe?"
Rein: "I knew there was something weird about them! But really, shouldn't you be more concerned that I brought an evilness back to life?"
Q: "What I'm concerned with, is finding fault in your abilities in order to discredit you!"
Rein: "Good luck with that. Hah!"
He snaps his fingers, sending the Federation starship and its crew into the Mirror Universe. After a moment, Q just continues staring at him.
Rein: "What? Oh! Oh right..."
He snaps his fingers again, sending the Lissepian giant, on Cestus III, back to his original size. Pike City is nearly destroyed from all the attacks.
Q: "I'm not even sure that helps at all. You hurt my feelings you know!"
Rein: "Jeez. I'm sorry. Next time I'll ascend into the Q-Continuum."
Q: "Well... it's not much of an apology... but I guess I can accept it. Have you created a Continuum Avatar and Signature yet?"
Rein: "No."
Q, sighs: "Alright, I'll show you."
He snaps his fingers and they both flash out of there.
Meanwhile, on the Norway-class starship, Daniel continues to be held up by Kayl.
Daniel: "Hahahaha! I'm not worried, for I am the Captain. Crew! Come to my aid! Jump into action!"
Everyone just stands there.
Daniel: "Yep. Anytime now."
He turns to his crew.
Daniel: "YOU FOOLS!!! You dare hesitate on my life!?!?"
Kugo: "It's not so much hesitation than it is siding... Besides, Kayl has a point. Killing you could prove to be very interesting."
Red: "I am also interested in seeing how a Changeling is slain."
Daniel: "BETRAYERS!!!!! Besides, you can't kill me. I'm unbelievably indestructible."
Kayl: "That's just an old Changeling rumour."
Daniel: "What are you talking about? You guys never knew about Changelings until you met me."
GoyCho: "Actually, I met one. His name was Odo, and would always make people process ore for some reason."
Kugo: "That's because he used to run the ore processing centre."
GoyCho: "Didn't he ever have anything better to do? Like take over the Alliance?"
Everyone then glances at the Captain.
Daniel: "What? I was planning on taking over the Alliance too. I just hadn't gotten around to it!"
Red: "Perhaps we shouldn't kill the Captain?"
Lieutenant Kayl glances over to Red, having already been firing her phaser at Daniel.
Kayl: "Well you should have said something earlier!"
Everyone watches as the kill setting of the beam causes Daniel's cells to fluctuate, and his protoplasm to partially liquefy. Kayl stops firing.
GoyCho: "Phew! He's still alive. Now, we can get on with re-instating the Captain as our Captain."
Suddenly, a nearby Bridge-Engineering station accidentally explodes and sends a freak feedback current that connects to Daniel.
Daniel: "UGGH!!"
The Captain fluctuates under the pressure, causing half of him to melt to the floor. The energy current then fades away.
Kugo: "Oh no, not again! Is he...?"
Red: "I think he's okay. That was a close one. Now we know not to attempt to vapourize a potentially good Changeling out of nowhere."
Daniel tries to crawl in his half liquefied state, until a bulkhead piece from above detaches and splatters onto him. The Captain splashes into a full liquid state, under the bulkhead.
GoyCho: "Ahh! It's all happening like before! Will he be...?"
The Captain forms a partial upper-body, squeezing and crawling out from the door.
Kayl: "It looks like he's going to survive! Man, that was too close. For the future, killing is wrong... unless it's a family member you don't like."
Just then, a plasma conduit falls out of the opening above and connects to Daniel - sending a shockwave of energy through him.
Kugo: "Alright. This is just getting old."
GoyCho: "Yet, mildly amusing."
The shockwave dies as Doctor Lox and the EMH enter the Bridge. Everyone falls silent as the Doctor begins scanning the Changeling goo.
Lox: "The Captain is still alive... barely. I would like to take him back to Sickbay for some... tests."
Kayl: "Lox? The same Lox that was beaten, humiliated, and ignored for his medical genius eight years ago?"
Lox: "Yes."
Red: "The same Lox that experiments on small animals, Human sacrifices, and genetically altered tomatoes for no reason whatsoever?"
Lox: "Uhh, yes."
Kugo: "That similar Lox who the entire crew is alienated from due to awkwardness, fear, and just thinking that he's a weirdo?"
Lox: "What?"
EMH: "You will obey the Lox!!!!"
Lox: "Err ............Yes, fine; THAT same Lox. I assure you, my medical goals are sufficiently justified. Science and medicine are a special medium, that require a highly sophisticated mind."
Kayl: "By the way, is my half-merged cat-dog experiment ready yet?"
Lox: "That will be finished for you this afternoon."
Kayl: "Yes!"
Lox: "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to tend to the morgue."
EMH: "The Lox!!!!!!"
Lieutenant Commander's Red and Kugo meet in the Briefing Room.
Red: "It would appear that we have returned to our own universe."
Kugo: "Hmm. Yes, indeed. Some of the crew are calling it, the crap-hole-verse."
Red: "Kugo, I would like to suggest that both our sides-- the Terran side and the Klingon side-- remain working together in peace and harmony."
Kugo: "Of course. After being brought back by such an amazing omnipotent being, I feel nothing but a new life-energy and productive outlook towards the future. I dream of white doves at night."
Red: "Excellent. This is exactly what I was hoping for... well, this, without the dead body lying on the table."
Kugo: "Want me to get the aerosol?"
Red: "Hmm..... nah."
Kugo: "I knew it! You enjoy the scent of dead Terrans! You're in on the mutiny!!!"
Red: "What? What are you talking about?"
Kugo: "Don't play coy with me. I see how you shift your eyes left and right. They move faster than an albino Bolian applying blue-dye!"
Red: "What are you talking about? That is a medical defect thanks to the Doctor's experimentations - and I'll thank you not to point it out next time."
Kugo: "Hah! Then explain the blood on your knife. Kill any good humans lately!?"
Red: "This is a theme-park gift-shop knife. The blood pours out from inside the knife for visual effect. It's just ketchup!"
Kugo: "Oh. Uhhh... the skull and cross-bones necklace hanging around your neck?"
Red: "A warning for others not to touch me - remember that incident that led me to be pumped full of ultridium? I couldn't walk straight for a week!!!"
Kugo: "Huh... I see. Well, I guess you're not a bad guy then."
Red: "And neither are Klingons in general."
Kugo: "Um, the Klingons created an Alliance that enslaved the Human and Vulcan race."
Red: "Touché."
They both leave the room and begin filtering through the ship, in search for Alliance sympathizers. Meanwhile, two Klingons enter Stellar Cartography and activate the view screen. General Verticon is contacted on a secret channel.
>Verticon: "What the?? - Targon...? Kortos...? You and the rest of your contingent went missing eight years ago??"
Kortos: "And now we're back."
>Verticon: "Don't try to be coy with me! Where is the Phoenix-X? I want that ship!"
Targon: "We missed your angry yelling sprees."
>Verticon: "Puh. You guys knew how to take it. The Warriors under me all cower in fear when I speak to them. I'm telling you, it makes me feel awkward."
Suddenly, Red enters in on the meeting.
>Verticon: "Red! Where have you been?"
Red: "Deceiving Kugo into a false pretense."
>Verticon: "I thought she only did that once every seven years!?!?"
Red: "That is not what I meant."
>Verticon: "Oh a wise guy, eh? Bring me the Phoenix-X right away, or I'll have your hide!"
The screen then cuts out. Suddenly, the screen cuts back on.
>Verticon: "And by 'hide', I mean I'll kill you!"
The screen cuts back out.
Meanwhile, down in Engineering, GoyCho is fighting the Klingon, Grath, sci-fi-martial-arts style.
GoyCho: "Heya! Yah! Ha!"
Kugo, enters: "Lieutenant, how goes the Klingon murdering?"
GoyCho, while fighting: "Not bad. I have yet to jump off the wall for an amazing flip."
Kugo takes out a phaser and disintegrates Grath into nothingness.
GoyCho: "Hey! Now I'll never have ample reason to do that jump."
Kugo: "We're running out of time. I'm starting to get cravings for Klingon gagh!! You wouldn't happen to have any, would you? Never-mind. ...How many Klingons have you killed so far?"
GoyCho: "Counting this one... zero."
Kugo: "Hmm. Perhaps we should simply beam them all out into space?"
GoyCho: "Hah! Like we'd be able to think of something so easy as that?"
Kugo: "We just did think of it."
GoyCho: "Oh."
They go over to the computer to begin transport, but are interrupted by a beeping of the console.
GoyCho: "What the...? Someone is changing the ship's name to.... Phoenix-X? There's a Klingon on the hull, repainting the inscription!"
Kugo: "Damn! So Klingons can exist in space!"
Lieutenant Commander Red and two other Klingons enter Engineering with weapons pointed at Kugo and GoyCho.
Red: "No, but I'm willing to see if you can..."
Kugo: "RED!"
Targon: "The Klingons have taken over the ship. All you Terrans will be re-integrated into the Alliance's slavery program!"
GoyCho: "Do I need to fill out a change-in-address form?"
Targon: "Yes."
GoyCho: "Crap!"
Kugo: "Wait a minute. You mean this whole time... you're whole 'defecting' story... has all been a lie?"
Red: "Oh we were expressing our anger like most Klingons... the console just happened to be the communications console - which led to the talking of our conspiracy."
GoyCho: "...To infiltrate the Terran's secret ship."
Red: "He knows too much. Shoot him!"
Kortos fires his phaser and hits GoyCho's shoulder. His shoulder begins to disintegrate extremely slowly.
GoyCho: "Ahh!"
Kortos, checks his weapon: "My power cell is expired from never being used! What next, the warp engines are filled with prune juice??"
As GoyCho's shoulder slowly begins to disappear - soon, his arm is gone and his chest is next.
GoyCho: "AAaaaaaahhhh!!!!!!! Now I'll never do that amazing wall jump."
Kugo: "GoyCho, no Terran in this universe or the other could ever do that. You're all just too fat and lazy!"
GoyCho: "I guess you're right. Well, at least I have clarity before I die."
He smiles as his body is eaten away into nothingness.
GoyCho: "Crap - I was going to have sex with you in seven years. Noooooooooooooooo!!!!!!"
After he disappears, Red walks over and activates the Warp engines.
Red: "Now it is time to deliver the ship to Verticon. As far as he knows, this Starfleet ship is the 'Phoenix-X'!"
Kugo: "You fibber!"
Red: "Exactly! We Klingons are a lying race. One day you will learn that."
Kugo: "Like today?"
Red: "Uhh yeah. Now I must go! The General is waiting."
Later, the newly designated I.S.S. Phoenix-X drops warp in Alliance space. The Klingon Bird of Prey, Kleckogunam, is approached by them. Red enters the Bridge.
Red: "Open a channel to General Verticon."
Targon: "Channel open."
Red: "This is the starship Phoenix-X. If you don't surrender immediately, we'll begin targeting your cities. Respond."
>Verticon: "What are you talking about? What cities?"
Red, leans back against the helm: "You're speaking with Emperor Red. Prepare to receive instructions."
>Verticon: "What instructions? You're not going to be Emperor!"
Red: "Huh? Oh, sorry. I just thought that’s what all newly acquirers of the other universe's Starfleet ships are supposed to say."
>Verticon: "Well it's not!!!"
Red: "Very well then. It is good to be back. So, how are things? Did we strike back at the Terrans yet? Do they still make blood wine with pulp in it? Is killing still legal? No matter. We have returned. And I must say, it is good to be back."
THE END
