Star Trek: Phoenix-X
The Return of the Borg cut scenes
1
(3 Years Ago... Shane enters the messhall, of the Hou-Ling, with two of his Klingon friends)
Derok: Ha! Ha! And did you see that Jackson guy!? Ha! Ha! He's doing surgury to become a Klingon!
Shane: Ha! Ha! Ha! Did you see the bell bottoms the Captian was wearing!? He was trying to dance to Klingon Disco!
(The three sit down)
Loytic: I do not think we should mock the Captian. He is an honourable man.
Shane: Yeah, I know, Loytic. I'm just joking around. Jeez. ...You with the guilt an' all...
Loytic: Were you joking when you mated with Vokara!? I bet that is what started the Captian's midlife crisis!
Shane: What's your problem, Loytic? Can't a Changeling have a little sex? And I can't believe you're the one who ratted me out! --Oh, and that reminds me; Vokara has a piece of me flowing in her system. I hope it held its shape as a sper--
Loytic: Oh shut up!! --Yeah, I guess I am a little edgy today. Do not challenge me to a fight. I am just worried about father.
Shane: It's okay, Loytic. I wouldn't challenge you; we're brothers.
(The ship suddenly shakes and a voice goes on the intercom)
*(Voice): We are the Borg. Lower your shields and prepare to be boarded. Resistance is futile. This is a recording. For more information on the Borg, contact your local Borg Travel Agent. Call now and get a two for one assimilation kit.
(Shane and Loytic run to the Bridge)
Loytic: What's going on!?
Sergio: I tore my bell bottoms!! Damn, there goes Saturday night!!
Shane: Who are the Bor--
(A drone beams onto the Bridge and grabs Shane. It shoots its tubes into Shanes neck)
Shane: What the f-word is this?
(Shane pushes the tubes out, internally. He shoves the drone away and spits out the implants. The drone looks confused.)
Shane: He's trying to have robot sex with me!!
2
(Back to present time...)
Shane: So I gave her half the volume of my Changeling Protoplasm to leave the crew alone--well, that, and we rocked the casba.
Daniel: You sacraficed half of yourself for the entire crew?
BorgQueen: Precisely.
Daniel: Jeez. Not even I'd do that for my crew --of course, I'd expect them to do something like that for me--But that's a whole 'nother episode.
Shane: Listen, Captian, you're responsible for more than 1000 lives.
Daniel: ...Heh, yeah, kinda makes you think....
Shane: So I'm giving the Borg the rest of my Changeling Protoplasm to let the Phoenix-X go.
Daniel: The rest of your Changeling Protoplasm...? But that's all you are. You'll be giving yourself!
(A violin begins to play)
Shane: Go, Daniel. Go and save the rest of your crew! Do it for Old Yeller. Turn around and don't look back! It's for the best.
Daniel: But--
Shane: Just go!!
Daniel(turns around): Aiight, ya ain't gotta tell me twice... Pisshh. Wit' the violin an' all...
(Daniel beams back onto the Bridge of the Phoenix-X. The Phoenix-X turns around and heads back into Federation space. Daniel sits at the Captians chair)
Daniel: Stupid Borg and thier stupid great link. I'm glad I'm not part of an inner stellar species that links as one mind. And I can't believe they tricked us!! What do they think I am, a solid? Oooo, little nudy ship in distress. Ooo, we gotta save it! No wonder she hailed us, she wanted to laugh in our faces and make sure that it was Shane. She tricked us twice!!
Gotens: Uhh, maybe you should regenerate. Ensign Dan scrubbed all the molasses off your bucket.
Daniel: Shane risked himself for the crew of the Hou-Ling. Well, I say it's about time I sacraficed my own crew!! Are you with me!!?!?!
(Pause)
Ensign Dan: No way. He kept pretending to be my underwear.
Kayl: He would always play the bongo's on my boobs.
Gotens: He kept telling Spike to pee on my shoes.
Armond: He pretended to be my hair gel. All day, my hair would change shape!
Red: He always cleaned my nose during Bridge duty!
Tong: He always called me names.... like, Incest Boy!!
(Everyone looks at Tong)
Armond: Shane was a trickster. Like Leprechauns. Little Leprechauns. Little spider-sized Leprechauns. I hate spiders.
Daniel: Well, granted, Shane liked to pull your yankys. But we have to put all that behind us. Are you with me?
Armond: Uhh...
Daniel: I'll give you all an extra month of shore leave...
Gotens: Well....
Daniel: I'll give you this month's issue of Playalienboy Magazine...
Ensign Dan: Alright, I'm in.
3
Borg Queen: Shoon, link with Shane so that he may be assimilated too. These are also self replicating implants. Heh, heh, soon we'll assimiliate your entire race.
Shane(steps back): Whoa. I am not linking with that thing for all the Playalienboys in the universe.
(The cloaked Phoenix-X arrives back at the Borg Cube.)
Daniel(shapeshifts an army suit): Alright. I'm going in. If I'm not back in two hours, you can avenge my death out on the Federation.
Gotens: Why do you get to go? We're all trained in situations like this, too, you know.
Daniel(pauses): Do you wanna come?
Gotens(steps back): No way.
Daniel: Okay, you're coming.
(Daniel, Gotens, and Armond beam into one of the Borg hallways. Armond places three pattern enhancers around the group)
Daniel: Okay. You two stay here and guard the transporting co-ordinates.
Armond(accesses a Borg control panel): Aye-yi, sir; leave here and play around.
(Daniel liquifies into the floor. Gotens and Armond mess around with the Borg computers)
Armond: Hey, I found Solitare.
Gotens: Look at this, Armond. The Borg have the same encoded Transwarp algorythms as the Phoenix-X...
(He taps at the panel)
Gotens: ...And the same configurations and frequiencies..
Armond: They must've assimilated thier Transwarp technology and Solitare from the same species that we got the blueprints for our Transwarp technology and Solitare!
Gotens: Armond, Solitare is a recommended Federation program on every Starfleet ship.
(Daniel deliquifies out of the floor of the central Borg chamber. Shoon is still chasing Shane around the room)
Shane: Aaahh!!!
Shoon: Come back here!
Shane(stops): Well okay. As long as you don't assimilate me.
Shoon: I can't make any promises.
(Daniel signals to Shane. Shane nods and liquifies.)
Borg Queen: Stop him!!!
(Daniel and Shane take shape in one of the hallways. Behind them, are a whole bunch of Borg drones running towards them.)
Daniel: We'll never be able to out run them.
Shane: Should we change into the Roadrunner?
Daniel: No!
(Daniel and Shane liquify. The drones chase the two liquids down the hallway.)
Gotens(tapping the panel): I think I can hack through thier syst--
Armond: Tidal wave!!
(They turn around and see two liquids splashing through the hallway, towards them)
Gotens: That's not a tidal wave, it's more of a surfers wave.
(Daniel and Shane take shape with Gotens and Armond. The Borg are seconds away)
Daniel(taps his commbadge): Phoenix-X, four to beam up.
*Kayl: My name is Kayl, sir; not Phoenix-X.
Daniel: Yeah, yeah. Just do it!!
(The Borg are miliseconds away)
*Kayl: Well, okay, sir. But I hope you don't forget that my name is Kayl.
Daniel: Alirght!!!!
(The Borg are nanoseconds away)
*Kayl: So I guess I'll just beam you up now.
Daniel: OKAY!!!
(The four of them dematerialize as the Borg get there)
(The four of them beam onto the Bridge of the Phoenix-X.)
Daniel: Helm, take us out of here.
Red: Aye, sir. But my name is Red, not Helm.
Daniel: Arghh...
Red: Are you making fun of the Klingon language by saying "aarghh"?
(Everyone resume thier battle stations)
Gotens(takes a seat): Finally, it's over.
Shane: Thanks for coming for me.
Daniel: Don't mention it, Shane. We all never gave it second thought or hesitated.
Ensign Dan: And how. I'm just glad you guys are back.
Kayl: Yeah, now we can get back to our normal lives.
Shane: But the Borg are probably going to assimilate the Changeling homeplanet.
Ensign Dan: Oh, don't you worry. We'll be happy to help you stop them.
Daniel: Something's wrong here. Why isn't the episode finsihed yet?
Gotens: Why is Ensign Dan acting so wierd?
Armond: Captian, I accidentally typed in the wrong password for my panel, and it worked. I have access to Solitare. I do not remember having this game.
Gotens: Oh my gosh! We're losing our memory!!
Daniel(aims a phaser at Ensign Dan): No we're not.
(Daniel fire the phaser at Ensign Dan and Ensign Dan disappears)
Shane: You just killed Ensign Dan!!
Daniel: Yeah, and it was fun. ...We're not aboard the Phoenix-X, we're on a holodeck!!
(The Bridge disappears and the four of them find themselves in a huge Borg holodeck. The Borg Queen walks in)
Daniel: You tricked us again!! That's--
(He counts four of his fingers)
Daniel: --three times already!!
Gotens: Where's the crew?
Borg Queen: Your crew are each in thier own holochambers, like this one, playing out thier fantasies. They still think they are on duty.
Daniel: You beamed 1000 people into holodecks aboard your Cube!?
Borg Queen: We can easily detect your cloaked vessel. My drones have already boarded it and are upgrading your systems.
(Pause)
Daniel: Oh. Thanks. You're a lot nicer than I thought.
(A viewscreen goes on; and an image of a planet goes on screen)
Borg Queen: You see, the Borg are feared everywhere we go. Other species run away once they see us. If we keep the ships that we come accross, we can use them to go back to thier homeplanet in them and assimilate thier species. Like camouflauge.
Gotens: Whoa. That's a really good idea. You guys are really innovative.
Borg Queen: Thanks.
Daniel(elbows Gotens): Stop supporting the Borg!
Gotens: Sorry.
Borg Queen(points to the screen): This is Species 54178. A Federation planet.
Gotens: The Thrunkolians.
Daniel: What!? The tree species!?
Borg Queen: Yes. The Phoenix-X is on its way there, now. Claiming that they are just visiting. The tree species won't know what hit them. Heh, heh.
Armond: Oh man, one of my best friends is a tree.
Borg Queen(recieves an incranieal messege): It would seem that a couple more people of your crew have figured out that they are in holochambers. I'm going to have to put all 1000 of you in holding cells.
Gotens: Aren't you going to assimilate us?
Daniel(elbows Gotens): Stop giving the Borg ideas!!
Borg Queen: I suppose we could. But I'm willing to let them go at a nearby planet if the Captian links with Shoon.
Shane: What!? I thought I was gonna link with Shoon!?
Borg Queen: Yeah, but you're boring; and we just found out that Daniel is a Changeling. Besides, I've already slept with you.
Daniel: Eeuu.
(The Phoenix-X approaches Trunkolia)
Daniel(takes a seat at the Captians chair): Hey, what's up? We're just visiting. We brought cow manuer.
(A talking tree goes on screen)
*Fern: Oh goody.
(The screen goes off. The Daniel hologram disappears and six drones enter the Bridge)
(A drone): Prepare for mass assimilation.
(Another drone): Aahh!! We're gonna be assimilated!?
(A drone): No, you idiot, we're already assimilated.
4
(There's a massive beam out. Every single person on the ship, except the Borg, are suddenly beamed out)
(There's a wide field of grass in the valley, with a couple trees scattered around; the sky is blue and clear of clouds. All the thousand of people of the Phoenix-X beam onto the field. Everyone is confused and disorientated)
Gotens: I'm a little confused and disorientated.
Daniel: If you were confused then you wouldn't be sure that you were confused and disorientated; and if you were disorientated then you wouldn't be able to form a proper sentence, saying that you were confused and disorientated.
Gotens: Oh. Well I'm a lot better than I thought. I'm going for a jog along the countryside, wanna join me?
Tong(takes tri-quarter readings): I'm detecting a high amount of omichron particles, photons, and force fields. We must be in some kind of alternate universe that has omichron particles as air, photons as grass, and force fields as trees.
Daniel(grabs the tri-quarter): No, you icestuous chinese redneck, we're on a holodeck!!
Gotens: We're on the Borg Cube. What do they want with us? How can other species just push other species around like this? Where's the sanity!? Oh God, the sanity!!!
(The Doctor injects a hypo-spray into Gotens's neck.)
Daniel: Thank you, Doctor.
(A Borg drone escorts Shane towards the crew. Shane approaches the Captian)
Daniel: Shane, what did I tell you about bringing home pets?
Shane: Captian, there's nothing to worry about.
Daniel(worried): Worry, do I look worried? What's happening to my gosh darn ship!? Gosh darn, gosh it!!!
Shane: I made a deal with the Borg. They're going to let you guys go at the next planet we reach.
Daniel: And what's the catch?
Shane: I stay here with the Borg...
(Star Trek: Phoenix-X will return after these messages)
Narrator: Tired of picking your nose for the sake of having a clear breathing hole? Well come to us! We'll pierce more holes into your head for extra breathing functions!! ...Offer not valid in Cleaveland.
(We now return to Star Trek: Phoenix-X)
Gotens: Captian, are you moping?
Daniel: No! ...Oh, it's all my fault!!!
Ensign Dan: Well, finally that Shane guy is gone. He kept pretending to be my underwear.
Gotens: He kept telling Spike to pee on my shoes.
Armond: He pretended to be my hair gel. All day, my hair would change shape!
Red: He always cleaned my nose!
Tong: He always called me names.... like incest boy!
(Everyone looks at Tong)
Armond: Shane was a trickster. Like Leprechauns. Little Leprechauns. Little spider-sized Leprechauns. I hate spiders.
Daniel: Yeah... he was great, wasn't he? But the Borg tricked us. No wonder we were hailed, the Borg Queen just wanted to see if it was really Shane. We were tricked twice!!
Gotens: The Borg are like Carni's. Don't trust your pants to them.
Daniel(stands up): Shane sacraficed himself for his old crew. Well, now I'm going to sacrafice my crew for him!!! I say we go back!!! Are you with me!!?!?
(Pause)
Gotens: No.
Ensign Dan: No way.
Armond: Notta chance.
Daniel: What? You're not with me?
Gotens: Well, okay fine. We'll go with you. But I'm gonna need another month's issue of Playalienboy Magazine. I hear the Bolian women are boom'n this month.
