Star Trek: Phoenix-X
"In a Window, Darkly"
The Prometheus-class U.S.S. Phoenix-X treks through space. Cell and Seifer are in the Conference room.
Cell: "So, there was the Nausicaan, angry for me exposing him as a dom-jot cheater, when he stabs me through the back. The knife came out through my chest! I laughed."
Seifer: "Wait. What? You're a Changeling, and plus, that was Picard's story."
Cell: "Yeah, I know. I was there, 63 years ago, and decided to antagonize the Nausicaans in the exact same way the very next week. I was really into copycatting back then."
Suddenly, the screen beeps and Section 31 blinks on.
>Elena: "We have another mission for you, Phoenix-X."
>Nelkast: "And it's not to operate that fake Bolian hairdresser to lure Orion Syndicate dealers into revealing their juicy, personal secrets. We gave that mission to new-Data, on the Enterprise-E."
Seifer: "What!? I signed up for two stylist courses!"
Cell: "You better follow through with that. I will not have quitters on my ship."
>Elena: "The real mission we have for you is to investigate a Gorn outpost, near Federation space. It was mysteriously attacked, and trust us, it wasn't Maxwell, or a Maxwell-look a like."
Seifer, singing: " 'The minstrel boy to the war is gone; and the ranks of death you'll find him--' "
>Nelkast: "Do not sing that song at any point during this mission!"
The screen clicks out.
Cell: "Do you know Gilbert and Sullivan?"
Seifer: "Yeah, they're in Science department; potty mouths, those two; they will not stop swearing."
Later, the Phoenix-X approaches a half-destroyed building on an asteroid. They hail.
Cell: "This is Captain Cell of the Federation starship Phoenix-X."
>Deloss: "Your pitiful Federation will not interfere in Gorn affairs. Why must you be so goody-two-shoes all the time? It's so pretentious!"
Cell: "Wow. We come to your aid, and this is the attitude we get."
>Deloss: "This is traditional Gorn demeanour! Any observation to the otherwise is a specist insult!"
Ensign Dan: "He's got you there, Captain."
Cell: "You're relieved!"
>Deloss: "But, since you're here, if you really want to know what happened, you must tell me something first."
Seifer: "The answer is yes. We did genetically modify Tribble into a gremlin-like frenzy that one time. We're adapting it into a holo-novel, if anyone is wondering."
>Deloss: "No; how many Phoenix-ships were there? That X is surely a high letter."
Cell: "Dammit. Every time. --If you must know, there was a transwarp testing phase over a two year period where 24 Phoenix-ships were destroyed."
>Deloss: "You're kidding!? What a complete waste of resources. Completely unrealistic. I hope someone got fired for that. Anyway, back to us-- we had recently acquired a Klingon vessel during one of our skirmishes with the awkwardly fore-headed breed. Flash-forward to yesterday, a man named Ziphen comes along and steals it from us. He did this to our base with added laughter."
Seifer: "By the way. Are you guys spying on us?"
>Deloss: "No! Our interest lies with fighting the Klingons. This border is like the very back of Gorn space, where we can work on our stolen properties."
Seifer: "The galactic map makes no sense. And why is everyone's different?"
Later, the Phoenix-X speeds through transwarp. A bunch of Klingons meet in the Mess hall.
Kortos: "We must do something about these foolish Gorn!"
Targon: "Just because we're with the Klingon Defense Force, in this exchange program, on a Federation ship, doesn't mean we have to act irrationally all the time."
Amos: "It means that even more! I think? I don't know, I'm just shouting. Also, aren't our relations with Starfleet deteriorating?"
Grath: "My understanding is that we are the last hope. We must vow to smooth things over between our peoples, until our very last breath!"
Kortos: "So, a battle of civility is what you are suggesting?"
Grath: "We shall thrust the bat'leth of amiableness into the hearts of our allies until they bleed with gratitude!!"
Targon: "You need to lay off the blood-margaritas."
#Cell: "Captain's log, Stardate 67832-point-5. We continue to fulfill missions by Section 31-- the sneaky shadow organization that works outside the rules and allows me, a Changeling, to be a Starfleet Captain, and our ship, the Phoenix-X, to be transwarp capable, without issue. I believe they blocked Admiral Nechayev from my friend list, which I find inconvenient, because I wanted to ask her about how to be more ruthless. Is flogging allowed? It's probably allowed."
The ship drops transwarp in front of a Vor'cha class ship and locks a tractor beam. They are hailed.
>Ziphen: "Son of a bitch. Deloss told you about me, didn't he??? I knew I shouldn't have called him a 'Warp 10 reptile'."
Armond: "Captain, I'm detecting transphasic torpedo technology on that ship!"
>Ziphen: "Yes, that's right-- Don't you see? I plan on using these Borg-killing weapons to become the next greatest threat out of Romulan space! It's time for me to set a course for Earth-- and destroy everything!"
Cell: "Since when do Reman's have their own ships? Not that I support segregation and slavery. But still."
Seifer: "Captain, you wanted me to notify you when your sentences began to fail at perceived benevolence?"
>Ziphen: "The Reman's are miners, and we have to space-travel to mine other places, no thanks to the destruction of Romulus and Remus three years ago."
>Miteel: "Yeah, a supernova shockwave at warp speed? Why isn't anyone investigating that?"
Seifer: "And miss our Tarlac spa appointments? If we don't face-stretch every two weeks, we get very shriveled!"
Red: "Captain, I recognize that vessel. It is the I.K.S. B'Chnah; the ship the Klingons on this vessel were detached from. Captain Menchez did say he was in combat with some Gorn, last year, before losing his ship."
Cell: "Then it wasn't destroyed, but in fact, taken! But where did he get transphasic torpedo technology?"
>Menchez: "I'll field that question."
They turn to find he is on a nearby screen.
Cell: "Ahh!"
Kayl: "I hailed Menchez on Qo'noS while you were talking. You guys have no idea how bored I get, do you?"
>Menchez: "As I was fielding; remember that time you had transphasic torpedoes yourselves, in an episodic-fashion? You know, that thing where you have seemingly weekly adventures."
Lox: "That was the day I ate a bad jelly bean."
>Menchez: "Well, General Verticon ordered your KDF officers to relay those schematics to us, so we could have them ourselves. We quite like having things. Just so you know, I was against it-- but the barrels of gagh he gave us were just too alluring to ignore."
He thinks.
>Menchez: "Wait. That gagh must still be on that ship?"
>Ziphen: "We Reman's have put up with much worse than this smell! Did you know Shinzon had certain bodily 'problems'?"
Cell: "Of course. This is all about Shinzon and Nero. You're trying to be as vicious as them!"
>Ziphen: "Very observant, Captain. Where those two failed, as Romulan territory-threats, I will succeed!"
Seifer: "Well, I don't know. There have been rumours within the time travel community that Nero accomplished a whole new level of treachery, on a canon-violating-alternate-reality kind of way."
>Ziphen: "No! Lair!! Nothing that disastrous and lens-flare-y could ever happen!!"
The B'Chnah fires a transphasic torpedo, but the Phoenix-X fires a phaser into it, detonating it in front of the ship. The explosion knocks the Phoenix-X back with damage.
Armond: "Forward shields down! Hull integrity down to 30%!"
Seifer, sad: "Aw, hull, no. Why you down?"
Cell: "Ziphen, listen to me-- If you think you can top those two hackneyed evil guys, then what's your horrible backstory? Shinzon was abandoned, and Nero lost his family. Tomalak, I think, was just a little gassey."
>Ziphen: "I don't have a horrifying backstory. My parents were kind to me, and my life has been great. I have many friends and get invited to lots of parties. Don't you see? My lack of backstory is my backstory!"
He fires again, and the Phoenix-X phasers it quicker, knocking the B'Chnah back.
Miteel: "Forward shields down and hull at 60%! Gagh particles must have seeped into the bulkheads and helped reinforce us. It's science."
>Cell: "If you won't back down, Ziphen, then I will. You got to have everything your way, your entire life. And this time, I am going to help perpetuate that."
Ziphen: "What? No! You must deny me my murders!"
>Cell: "Not this time, Reman-scum. --Armond, send the Remans the Federation's defense plans for Minos Korva."
Armond: "Should I send him the amount of lights there are as well?"
>Cell: "He can decide the number of those. I'm good with any amount."
Ziphen, falls to his knees: "No! Nooooooo!! Kahhhhnnnnn!!!!"
Miteel: "Aw, damn. He's going to be like this for hours."
Suddenly, a Gorn ship approaches.
>Deloss: "We finally got our outpost back online. We demand our ship back."
>Menchez: "That ship belongs to the Klingon Empire!"
>Deloss: "Since your Federation lap dogs are here, I will concede to that; but what of the Remans? What... of.... the Remans?"
>Menchez: "Kill them! --Not being specist, though."
>Deloss: "Um. Maybe you are; a little bit. In light of that, we will take Ziphen to our Gorn councilors. They will rehabilitate him and feed him the Gorn equivalent of chocolates."
>Cell: "That doesn't sound very Gorn?"
>Deloss: "Part of the counseling session happens in a swamp."
>Cell: "Ah, there you go."
Later, the Phoenix-X treks through space. Cell and Seifer talk to Section 31 on screen in the Conference room.
>Elena: "You fools! The torpedoes were depleted, the ship was given back to the Klingons and you lost the Reman!?"
Cell: "If you knew about all this before sending us, why didn't you tell us your expectations?"
>Nelkast: "We quite enjoy being mysterious. Our behaviour is not for you to judge! Though, many people do, and frankly, it hurts."
>Elena: "Oh well. We hope to have transphasics a norm in the Federation by the 25th century. --Wait. I know! Transwarp conduits!"
>Nelkast: "I see where you're going. But to implement those, would take years? Not to mention a lot of latinum would be required."
Cell: "What? But you gave the Phoenix-X transwarp in secrecy to help you?? That's what made us unique."
>Elena: "You should have thought about that before you defied us with your Reman-relinquishing failures! Section 31 out!"
The screen clicks off.
Seifer: "We certainly have a lot of trans-things to look forward to."
Cell: "And, like Deloss articulated, what of the Remans?"
Seifer: "Well, if Ziphen didn't have a store of psychologically-inducing failure before, he does now; the failure of not having failure."
Cell: "Or maybe just being a bad guy with a backstory isn't enough anymore. You need non-forced character as well."
Seifer: "Non-forced? That's a toughie in today's formulaic, artificial society. Anyway, I'm off to that Tarlac spa. If you don't get there on time, they only stretch half your face."